Townspeople: What?
Kemp: Following in his grandfadder's footschtaps. Footschtaps, footschtaps!
Townspeople: Oh, footsteps!
Kemp: I tink vat is in order is for me to pay a little visit on ze good doctor unt to have a nice, qviet chat.
Mel Brooks' and Gene Wilder's comic masterpiece, Young Frankenstein, has been renowned for its excellent send-up of Hollywood horror films of the '30s, '40s, and '50s. There's one character, though, that has always stood out for me.
Kenneth Mars plays the redoubtable Inspector Kemp, the town constable who investigates allegations that Dr. Frederick Frankenstein (Gene Wilder), newly arrived in Transylvania, is carrying on the work of his grandfather, Dr. Victor Frankenstein. Kemp's idiosyncracies are his thick, exaggerated German accent (which Mars originated in 1968's The Producers, perfected here, and continues to use on Malcolm in the Middle) and his oft-malfunctioning wooden arm, which he uses as a battering ram at the end of the film. (Written into the script but not filmed is an explanation for Kemp's wooden arm: he lost it to the previous monster, the one from the original Frankenstein.)
Kemp is a major-minor character (he's only in five or six scenes), but the scenes he's in are worth watching just for his outrageous accent and the sound effects made by his wooden arm.
I was extremely disappointed to discover that there were hardly any Kemp sound-clips on the Internet, and the ones that do exist are of poor quality. As such, I took it upon myself to get a program that records audio directly from the DVD, to obtain the following excellent-quality Inspector Kemp sound-clips (MP3 format). I have also included some screenshots, to give you an idea of how ridiculous he looks (note the monocle over the eye with the patch).
Update
Thanks to fans who apparently clamored for an Inspector Kemp tribute, this page is now the number one Google search result for "Inspector Kemp." Woo! Many thanks to the people who visited this page and have linked to it (if they so have).
Screen Captures
"A riot is an ugly sink ..." | "To ze lumberyard!"
Audio Clips
|
Kemp: A riot is an ugly sink. Unt, vonce you get vone schtarted, zere is little chance of schtoppink it, short of blootshet. I sink before ve go around killing people, ve had better make damn sure of our evidence, unt ve had better confirm de fact dat young Frankenschtein is indeed following in his grandfadder's footschtaps! Townspeople: What? Kemp: Following in his grandfadder's footschtaps. Footschtaps, footschtaps! Townspeople: Oh, footsteps! Kemp: I tink vat is in order is for me to pay a little visit on ze good doctor unt to have a nice, qviet chat. |
Darts:
Frankenstein: Ha! Monsters!
[Frankenstein throws several darts in the center of the board.]
Kemp: Excellent shot.
Frankenstein: This is the twentieth century, Kemp. Monsters are passe, like ghosts and goblins.
Kemp: Not to ze good people of zis village, Herr Doctor. To zem, it is a very real sink. Especially ven zere is a Frankenschtein residing in zis house.
[When Frankenstein turns his back, Kemp sticks all the darts in the center of the board and makes dart-throwing noises. Frankenstein turns around, sees all the darts in the center, and does a spit-take.]
Frankenstein: Nice grouping.
Kemp: Sank you.
Frankenstein: I didn't think an intelligent fellow like you would fall for all this superstitious rot.
Kemp: It is not superstition zat vorries me, Herr Doctor, but genes unt chromosomes!
[Frankenstein, about to throw a dart, is startled by this emphasis and his dart hits the wall below the dartboard.]
Frankenstein: Rubbish!
Kemp: Vell, you might say, but zis is Transylvania!
[Frankenstein throws another dart, which goes through a window.]
Kemp: Unt you are a Frankenschtein!
[Frankenstein throws another dart, which goes through another window.]
Kemp: You seem unusually upset by zis discussion.
Frankenstein: Not in the least.
[Frankenstein throws another dart and a cat screeches off-screen.]
Frankenstein: I find it extremely amusing, that's all.
[He throws his final dart backward to the sound of breaking glass.]
Frankenstein: Well, this was fun. And now, if you don't mind, inspector, I'm a little bit tired.
Kemp: Vell! I may give ze villagers your complete assurance dat you have nooo interest vatsoever in carrying on your grandfadder's vork?
[The monster groans from downstairs.]
Kemp: May I take dat for a yes?
Frankenstein: Mmmm.
Kemp: Very vell.
Frankenstein: I think you can find the way out by yourself, can't you?
Kemp: Of course. Until ve meet again, Herr Baron.
Frankenstein: Yes, drop by anytime. We're always open.
A riot is an ugly thing:
Kemp: Halt! (Up.) A riot is an ugly sink, unt, I think that it is just about time dat ve had vone!
[Crowd cheers.]
Kemp: Vith heaven as my vitness (up), ve vill curse de day dat dere vas born a Frankenschtein!
Crowd: What?
Kemp: I said ve vill curse de day dat dere vas born a Frankenschtein!
[Crowd cheers again.]
 |
Monster: I said put that man down! |
Friendship:
Kemp: This is, of course, an entirely different situation. As ze leader of zis community, may I be de first to offer you my hant in friendship.
[Kemp shakes the monster's hand; the crowd cheers.]
Monster: Thank you.
Kemp: You are entirely velcome. Unt now, let us all go to my house for a little spongecake unt a little vine, unt--
[As Kemp turns to leave, his wooden arm -- still grasping the monster's hand -- pops out.]
Kemp: --unt shit!
[He takes the arm and looks at it ponderingly.]
Kemp: To ze lumberyard!
[Crowd cheers and follows him out.]