Let's not mince words: I think Howard Stern is very crude (not that Opie and Anthony are any less crude, but they're funnier at the same time). Nevertheless, there are folks out there who like to listen to his radio show. What's the problem with that?

Plenty, says the FCC. On Thursday, the FCC proposed an unprecedented $495,000 fine for Clear Channel for "indecent comments" made by Stern on six of its radio stations. Rather than pay the fine, Clear Channel dropped Stern from those six radio stations. Stern remains on the air, since his contract is with the other humongously big radio behemoth, Infinity Broadcasting (a subsidiary of Viacom). Want to hear the most outrageous statement of this story? It was made by Clear Channel CEO John Hogan: "The Congress and [regulators] are even beginning to look at revoking station licenses. That's a risk we're just not willing to take."

At exactly what point did we stray into the Massachusetts Bay Colony? The FCC is not a regulatory board. Ever since they were formed, they have never regulated content. Thanks to the Bush Administration and the FCC's uppity and Puritanical commissioners (do they think they're on some religious crusade to rid the world of "indecent" content?), the radio waves are now being regulated at an unprecedented rate.

And guess why. If you said "the Janet Jackson controversy," you are correct. Who knew that a breast could cause so much outrage? Was there outrage when Britney Spears had a major case of THO on the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards? (Put a shirt on, for God's sake!) But when Janet Jackson's obscured breast appears for a split-second -- the cameras did cut away -- John Ashcroft, George Bush, and the other folks down at the Star Chamber got their dander up. Since America's moral values are going down the toilet, it is obviously evangelical Christian values that must be instilled by . . . nope, not the parents, anymore. That's right: it's the state's job to instill morals!

If you don't believe me, then believe John Ashcroft. In the midst of a War on Terror, a War in Iraq, and a Failing Economy at Home, the White House spin doctors dreamed up a brand new divisive issue to obfuscate our foreign policy. Gay marriage proved to be too controversial; what about pornography? Everyone loves pornography, but no one will admit to it. That would be deviant and evil.

As such, the Bush Administration is gearing up for the first major pornography operation in ten years, once again proving my point that Bush is really Ronald Reagan, but more confused. Let's see, here: budget deficit + war on terror = obvious need to preserve state-sponsored evangelical Christian morals. Yup, that equation balances out. There's stupid on both sides.

Ashcroft and his buddies at the Inquisition decided that government resources weren't being used to look for terrorists, anyway, so they should be put to good use finding the most evil people of all -- pornographers! Ashcroft doesn't smoke, drink, or dance, or have fun, and I expect that, in his mind, he is saving the world from evil. I hope he doesn't put himself on par with Jesus in his own mind. Too bad there are privacy laws preventing the government from telling consenting adults what they can do in their own homes. I bet that gets Ashcroft's goat; if it were up to him, he'd be on the Morality Watch twenty-four hours a day, spying on people, making sure they don't do anything he considers naughty.

Again, I maintain that if you don't want Bush to go, you have to want Ashcroft to go. He is imposing his crazy-Christian values (not that Christians are crazy, but that his sect is pretty crazy) on the United States. Remember when he had the statue of "Justice" covered up? Remember Oregon? This man is insane and will not stop until everyone in the country is just as smoke-less, drink-less, dance-less, and fun-less as he is.