NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND PART DEUX

I apologize for shouting. Attention parents who lauded the NCLB Act. We in Congress have enacted a second amendment to this act. You see the teacher's unions weaseled their way into our pockets and so we've decided to tack on a second set of criteria. If your child is doing poorly in a class, the teacher will be disciplined. But from now on, so will you. If your child is failing math, clearly the teacher is not doing enough to reach your child. But this also shows that you have made your child difficult to reach. So instead of blaming the teacher and only the teacher (and of course we dare not blame the child) we'll blame you as well. If your child is failing one class, your property taxes will increase by one percent. 2 classes nets a 2 percent raise. And so on. This is to offset the extra time and effort expended by our schools to reach your child. If you would only spend a little more time with them, help them study, teach them to pay a little more attention in class. For you see, not all of our failing grades come from poor teaching. Your son/daughter happens to spend most of their time in class reading a magazine, listening to headphones, sleeping or playing a portable gaming system. Thusly we've decided to share the extra burden that they're placing on our schools with you. Our school budgets are tight enough as it is without your lump of clay hanging around. Oh sure, when they get to college you'll be fine, free ride for them in some sport or other, or else they'll drop out and go into porno, either way you'll be getting paid back the debt they accrue while failing basic english. Perhaps, and this is just a thought, instead of saying that all bad grades come from bad teaching you could quit using the school as a babysitter and do some goddamn parenting! We could drop sex education from our curriculum if you could promise to have a talk with your children that involves neither birds nor bees (unless of course you're freaky like that). Then you won't have to worry whether or not we're teaching abstinence only education (which works great, explaining why so many high school kids believe that oral is not a form of "real sex" and totally safe ... for sure). NCLB II is sure to turn a few heads. What about children with learning disabilities you may ask? Well I'm not here to mock anyone, but I'm sure your son or daughter will have no trouble paying attention at McDonald's/Hooters, where they'll have to work a few doubles to pay you back the bills they rack up while failing basic geography. A big part of No Child Left Behind claims that minority students often suffered the most in their schooling. Speaking on a grand scale, minority students are more likely to grow up in poverty than their white counterparts, and there parents are likely more concerned with getting food on the table than with their child's grade in math. Thusly the money collected will follow state welfare guidelines. If you're below the poverty level you will receive money to ease your burden allowing you to spend more time with your children. Yes, this is unfair. But screw you. You wanted accountability did you not? Then sell your damn SUV, get a car with some decent gas mileage (you Hummer/Rover fucks) hell, get a truck with decent gas mileage and save some damn money. Then you'll be able to work less, pay attention to your kids and .. you know, be a parent. You brought them here, they're your responsibility not ours. Do this and we won't cut out your goddamn eyes.