As an Official Coors Beer Taster, I feel that I am qualified to tell you which beers are the best. Here are the top five:

1. Coors

Not the sissy Coors Light that you bought by the case for your jerky fraternity's jerky party, but Adolph Coors' original-recipe 1874 lager. Lighter than many beers, but delicious, nonetheless.

2. Guinness

What list would be complete without the dense, meaty taste of Guinness? The darkest of all beers, Guinness is also one of the tastiest. Again, this is not for mass-consumption at your sorority's "get drunk as fast as you can so you can do the first fratboy you see" party. Guinness is meant to be enjoyed in a gentleman's atmosphere, like the study or in a hotel room before a night on the town. Best if not served frozen.

3. Moosehead

Moosehead is lighter than Coors, but it has just as much flavor. Brought to you by Canada's oldest independent brewery, Moosehead is good to top off your evening. It's a great just-before-bed beer or a beer for those times when you're just after a beer.

4. J.W. Dundee's Honey Brown Ale

Made with the power of real honey, Honey Brown is a great beer for any occasion. Dark and tasty. But not in bulk. Too many or too much too soon can prove nauseating, since it does have a little more sweetness than other beers.

5. Barman

Guess what, kids? You can't get Barman anywhere! Coors brews Barman for only about a dozen bars and restaurants in Golden, Co., so you'd have to come here to get it. It's a dark beer and it's very good.

Well, we've seen the top five; now, let's look at the bottom five.

1. Miller High Life

The champagne of beers? More like the bathtub gin of beers. Like all the Miller products, this one was designed to be consumed by the truckload by jerky fratboys. Avoid at all costs.

2. Eliot Ness

This beer is made by Cleveland's Great Lakes Brewing Company to honor Eliot Ness, who, after he was an Untouchable in Chicago (and helped put Al Capone in the slammer), was Cleveland's Director of Public Safety (police chief). Unfortunately, they went the extra step of filtering the beer through Eliot Ness's corpse. This beer is abominable.

3. Aspen Edge

Introduced in 2004 as Coors' "low-carb" beer, Aspen Edge tastes like nothing. Seriously, it tastes like water that's turned. Good thing I got some for free instead of buying a case and finding out it sucks.

4. Milwaukee's Best

Derided by most as "Beast" and by myself as "Milwaukee's Worst," this is truly the worst of all beers. I can handle Natural (Natty) Light and Keystone, but Milwaukee's Worst makes me blind for a short amount of time.

5. Natural Light

Usually called "Natty Light," it's one of the cheapest beers you can buy. Every major beer company has its low-end, crappy brand. For Coors, it's Keystone. For Anheuser-Busch (Budweiser), it's Natty Light. The boon of, yes, fratboys, Natty Light costs about 25 cents per can. And when you need seven thousand cans for Fall Rush, your choice will be the cheap, crappy beer. (Note: Keystone, however, is cheaper than Natty Light but tastes better.)

And those are your beers. I find that Coors beers are better in general than other companies' beers. Did you know that Coors makes Blue Moon and Killian's Irish Red? And that it owns the trademark on Grolsch? I'd set my watch by a frosty glass of Coors [not Coors Light]. Man, that stuff's good!