WASHINGTON -- President George W. Bush held a press conference today to announce the beginning of a massive new initiative that he hopes will prevent disasters like Hurricane Katrina from ever happening again.

"Today, the United States embarks on a bold new initiative in order to make the homeland more secure. Today, the United States declares a war on nature. It is evident from the recent destruction in the Gulf region that nature cannot be trusted to keep the United States secure," Bush said. "We were lax in our duties, relying on nature to protect us from hurricanes and floods. Clearly, the forces of evil -- led by Muslim extremists who hate freedom -- have usurped nature, causing it to turn against the United States, resulting in the deaths of thousands of innocent men, women, and children."

The president's plan is perhaps his boldest yet. An elite team of Nature Warriors, drawn from the ranks of the Army's Special Forces, will be dispatched to areas affected or about to be affected by natural disasters. Once there, they will fire their weapons into the natural disaster, hoping to kill it or drive it off. "Of course, nature is very strong," said Army Chief of Staff Peter J. Schoomaker. "Shooting at nature may not be enough to force it into retreat. This is why we are also prepared to use bombs, mines, and missiles to damage nature enough that it will leave."

The new Nature Warriors team is currently being assembled to prepare for the landfall of Hurricane Rita. "We expect relatively few casualties as a result of Operation Dispatch Rita," said Schoomaker. "Those who do die will have died in a noble cause for their country. Jesus will grant them fifty virgins in heaven."

Some critics observe that this is merely the public face of what has been a continuous war on nature since the beginning of the Bush administration. "The Clear Skies initiative, the Healthy Forests Act, these were all the beginnings of the war on nature," said environmental activist Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. "The Bush administration had, since the very beginnings of its tenure, been trying to eliminate nature altogether. The 'war on nature' project confirms this fact, but it confirms that Bush was not anti-nature because of his big business connections; rather, it suggests that he was merely looking out for the country's best interests. Nature can't be trusted to work on the side of the United States."

Justice Department attorneys were engaged in high-level meetings today, wondering whether or not they could indefinitely imprison nature without filing any charges. "We have not yet made any determinations," said Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. "But we believe that the recent ruling against Jose Padilla's request for habeas corpus will strengthen our case for indefinitely imprisoning nature." Gonzales conceded that he was unsure of where nature would be detained, but he suggested, "Somewhere out west. You know, in one of those states where nobody lives. Wyoming, for example, could be converted into a maximum-security nature detention facility."

The president suggested that a war on nature would cost taxpayers $100 billion, but Congressional Budget Office analysts said the figure was closer to $500 billion. The president then had the analysts arrested and imprisoned as "enemy combatants" for supporting nature.