Bush refuses to spare White House turkeys
WASHINGTON -- In a move that startled both Republicans and Democrats in the nation's capital, President Bush became the first president in U.S. history to not pardon the White House turkeys.
Traditionally, the White House has been given a turkey and one alterate turkey to be killed for the White House Thanksgiving dinner. Each year, presidents "pardon" the turkeys, sparing them from being killed. This year, however, President Bush announced that he would not pardon "Marshmallow" and its alternate, "Yam."
"Killing these turkeys will send a message to turkeys everywhere: we will not bow down under pressure from animal rights groups. We will not cower in the face of challenges to our freedom. These turkeys are vicious killers, possibly carriers of the bird flu, and pardoning them would tell the animal kingdom that it is okay to infect us with diseases which threaten our American way of life," said Bush this morning on the South Lawn of the White House.
Bush also suggested that the turkeys may have links to al-Qaeda, but a senior White House official told SEDHE that the intelligence supporting that link was questionable, at best. "We heard that the turkey Marshmallow may have met with Mohammed Atta in Prague, but that information comes from a source we know to be uncredible."
Nevertheless, the White House has not mentioned that the informant's credibility was in question and chose to act as though the intelligence were sound.
Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) criticized Bush's handling of the situation. "Every president before him has pardoned the White House turkey," he said. "I have introduced a bill into the Senate that would require the president to pardon every turkey from now on."
In response, Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-TX) called McCain a "coward" and suggested that years of torture in Vietnam had driven him crazy. "He also adopted a black baby," she said in a statement on the Senate floor that drew jeers from Democrats and some Republicans.
President Bush has said that he will veto any legislation that requires him to pardon the White House turkey. "We're in a war on turkeys. We need to be able to confront the enemy any way we can." Bush said that alternate turkey Yam would not be killed immediately; rather, he would be held at an undisclosed location, without being charged for a crime, and interrogated until he told CIA officials how to cure the bird flu.

Comments
Obviously this is satire and it's fairly funny at that. However, you really need a tag or even better, a separate section for your Onionesque entries. While it's usually easy to separate the factual reporting and opinion from the cynical, cynical humor; sometimes it's not. Those of us who are occasionally humor-impaired or out of touch with the current news cycle would appreciate it.
Posted by: Scott | November 22, 2005 5:26 PM
I bet Bush will pardon Rove, eventually, plus a number of other White House turkeys.
Posted by: Rich Erlich | January 27, 2006 7:09 PM