Four years ago, Amazon.com patented "One-Click Shopping." At about the same time, a British company patented the "hyperlink." Companies routinely patent ridiculous inventions or processes so they can use those patents as leverage in the future. Junk technology patents are so common that Slashdot even has a category just for junk patent stories. The patent system is broken, as a recent study revealed that there are mistakes in 98% of U.S. patents that might affect that patent's enforceability; but beyond those mistakes, patents are issued for things at are either clearly prior art (one of the things that is un-patentable is an invention that has already been widely used before you tried to patent it; this is called "prior art")

Here are some things that have been patented in the last year:

• Microsoft: "Pausing television programming in response to selection of hypertext link"
• Amazon: A system for allowing users to post reviews of products they have purchased
• Nintendo: A system that causes a video game character to hallucinate and became temporarily "insane"
• Amazon: "Contextual presentation of information about related orders during browsing of an electronic catalog"
• Amazon: "Using customer viewing histories to generate recommendations"

And, today, Cingular was awarded a patent for the emoticon:

The method and system described in the patent allows a user of a mobile phone (or other device) to select a displayable icon, such as an emoticon, that indicates the mood or emotion of the user or conveys other information independent of text. In some embodiments, the selected displayable icon is inserted into a text message or screen, such as an instant message, chat screen, or user text field.

Realistically, Cingular is not going to sue everyone who uses a smiley face in an IM conversation without paying them first, although that is now their right. Patents are used as leverage, but they can also be used to stifle innovation and create collusion. A sample conversation between an executive at Cingular and an executive at Yahoo:

Cingular: Hey, what's going on?

Yahoo: Oh, nothing much. There's a lot of problems with our software, but I decided to take the morning off. I'm playing Yahtzee now. Man, it's so hard to get a Yahtzee! It's like, I get four of a kind and then I can't get a fifth one, and I already have four of a kind, so I have to take a 0 for the Yahtzee.

Cingular: That's great. Listen: you heard that we got the patent for emoticons, right?

Yahoo: What? They actually awarded you that patent? I thought it was ridiculous when Amazon got the patent for customer reviews, but I guess anything's possible. Are you guys still spending lots of money defeating patent reform?

Cingular: Hells, yes! Innovation is expensive, and it costs me valuable time that I could be spending at the golf course or watching Desperate Housewives on my video iPod.

Yahoo: Desperate Housewives?

Cingular: Okay, so it was a screener copy of King Kong that I got from BitTorrent.

Yahoo: Wait a second -- isn't that illegal?

[Laughter.]

Cingular: Oh, man, you crack me up. Seriously, though: we've got the patent on emoticons and we were wondering something.

Yahoo: Yeah?

Cingular: We don't want you offering VoIP or anything like that Google Talk. If people start making phone calls over the Internet, then they won't pay us exorbitant cell phone fees on an archaic rate structure with Draconian penalties for doing anything we don't like.

Yahoo: Okay, but what's in it for us?

Cingular: Well, when we start our litigation against instant messaging companies for using emoticons without paying us, maybe . . . well, all I'm saying is that maybe Yahoo will be accidentally left off the list.

Yahoo: Ohh, I see. So, if we kill voice over the Internet so that you can retain your outdated business model, you won't sue us for using a technology that was dubiously patented by you?

Cingular: I wish you could see me touching my nose with my finger.

Yahoo: Well, since there's no voice calls over the Internet, there won't be any video calls over the Internet, so it looks like I'll never see it!

[Laughter.]

Cingular: Hey, you want to come over to my mansion in Sunnyvale tonight? We're going to invite Nokia over, ply him with whiskey, and then convince him to disable all the cool technology in his new phone unless the customer pays us an outrageous subscription fee.

Yahoo: Dude, that sounds awesome! But I can't; Microsoft, Google, and me are getting together to talk about how we can get a market foothold in Iran. We figure we'll just censor everything but the "death to Israel" websites.

Cingular: Oh, man, dude. I don't know; that sounds like more fun than beating up on Nokia.

Yahoo: Well, there's tons of totalitarian regimes that need Internet access. I'll call you next time we talk with one. Hey, we're going to visit Saudi Arabia next week. Wanna come?

Cingular: Awesome! I'll be there. Okay, I have to go write up a patent for using a non-Roman font to insert the letters of my sorority into my instant messenger profile. I'll talk to you later.

Yahoo: Okay, dude. Later.