This is a friendly memo to all the parents out there, concerned with their children's well being. Fuck you. Quit trying to sanitize the internet, cable and every other media that transports the real world into your living rooms. Seriously. Stop it. Here is why this is asinine, pointless and counter-productive.

Let's say your kid walks down the street one day and sees a fight. Bam. Violence. With no chance to discuss it, no chance to think about it, just the kind of senseless, pointless and brutal shit that happens in the world every day. Sanitizing the internet, making every movie meet standards of decency and eliminating porn will NOT protect your children. It will coddle them and turn them into heartless little idiots who lack the ability to function for themselves. I ask you this, which sacrifice is greater: not doing drugs because there are none available, or not doing drugs because you CHOOSE not to?

These decency advocates are attempting to make the first scenario not a reality, but the reality. No violent video games means no violent video gamers right? Instead of studying what it is that allows people such as myself to separate a Looney Tunes cartoon from a "How to Hit People With Anvils and Do No Harm" instructional video we just turn every cartoon out there into Davey and Goliath. Seriously, don't even think of producing your own content and publishing it on YouTube, they're after that now too. And this just furthers my point. The internet (and this extends to cable, CD's and DVD's) are not IN your house in the normal sense. They bring the outside world in, and here is the kicker, you have to invite them. Thusly, the internet is available to everyone. It is not only for pre-teens, nor should it be. It is there for the free exchange of ideas, across the globe. So quit trying to pawn it off on your kids as a babysitter and wonder "How on earth did they discover so much scatological porn?"

I know it is hard to be a parent. Believe me I do. I've had a ton of experience with kids, through friends and *shudders* a terrible roomie. But the thing is, the world is out there. It will find your kids when you're not looking. So stop bringing it into your house then censoring it. Look, you want to buy a painting of a nude and put up some fig leaves, knock your damn self out. But do not ask me to look at the same censorship in Cleveland because your kid in Kansas might be offended if he sees a pair of breasts bouncing around. Talk to your kid. I know it's hard, but do it. You know what, I can't tell you why it is I've never done drugs. I grew up with a lot of people who did. I've gone against a lot of what my parents told me to do. But I've been offered and turned down pot. I just didn't want to do it. And no amount of, "C'mon man this stuff is great" or other peer pressure BS could change my mind. Neither could internet cartoons, webcomics, movies, TV shows or CD's extolling the virtue of pot. So try, you know, parenting. Or have a single computer with internet access, in a central location in your house. If you catch your kid looking at something you don't want them to, explain to them why they shouldn't.

Tell your kids the difference between Looney Tunes and the real world, between Chamillionaire and the real world, hell, between the Real World and the real world. Trust me, it'll be well worth your time. I hope your kid doesn't have to see someone die while they're that young, but I know a lot of people who lost relatives, including siblings during childhood. That is the real trick with life, it comes to you. Sometimes you can't control how (sickness, death, divorce) and sometimes you can (the internet, cable, music). I will never, ever ask you to watch The Boondock Saints, listen to Nothingface or look at some of the trash that comes through the Foobies link on Fark.com. Really, I won't. So don't tell me that I can't look at it just because your kid might see it and be scarred. You don't want the real world in your house? Fine. Go Amish. But be warned, real life will find your kid. With or without your supervision.