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<|| OUR TOP STORY
Rumors circulating that Jeff "Worship Me!" Field dating religious zealot Ernest Angley have been falsified. Says a representative of Field: "He thought Angley would heal his pain . . . he was wrong."

<|| MAY THE JELLO BE WITH YOU
The Jello Wars (previously thought ended with the Treaty of Cosby) began last week, following a lightsaber incident on the USS Victorious. Fortunately, no one was seriously injured following the ordeal lead by STF President Greg "Ahhh!!" Hertzsch.

<|| SNN UPDATE ANNIVERSARY
Mike "Vosotros estais demente" Ballway this week celebrated the 50th edition of SNN Update with a gala parade at SNN Center in Chicago. The mummified corpses of 20th century film critics Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert were on hand for the event (despite the fact that they had no hands).
Casualites were low, and ticker-tape was kept to a minimum.

<|| OUR MESSAGE FOR YOU
We hope you enjoyed this first edition of SNN Headline News, and continue to watch for future editions. Questions can be sent to:

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"May the schwartz be with you"

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