"If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all."

<|| OUR TOP STORY
Happy Birthday to U.S.S. Victorious XO Owen "Beam me down, Scooty!" Townes! A party began on Feb. 2 in Townes' quarters that involved barn animals (the non-explosive kind), and of course Mr. Hankey. Townes' party is expected to be unbelievably violent.

<|| LAWSUIT AHEAD!
In a strange and fantastic move, the Comedy Central cable network is suing all those involved with the Jell-o wars for copyright infringement. STF President Greg "Phonetically speaking, I'm fine" Hertzsch had little or no comment, saying only "You killed Kenny! You bastards!" STF lawyer Mark "It's alive!" Wilson is expected to take the case, and will be charging, like all lawyers, two extremities.

<|| BACK ON TRACK
That would be the term used to describe the mission of the U.S.S. Victorious, which, after many delays and cattle mutilations, is headed in the right directon. In a stern but fair lecture, STF President Greg "Are we obsessed yet?" Hertzsch told the crew of the Victorious that their fun was over, and that the mission had better get going. Several cats were polled about the decision, and none of them had anything nice to say.

<|| MORE WAR TO REPORT
In the Antimatter Cafe, currently owned and operated by SNN's own Mike "I'll go when I'm good and ready" Ballway, another brand of war is going on--soft drink war. Coke vs. Pepsi is the hot topic this week, and there has been more than enough violence (even more than usual in most STF missions) to suit us. Even so, the soft drink wars will continue.

<|| OUR APOLOGIES
To Phillip Bishop. Not only did we not mention his name as being a member of the Jell-O wars two weeks ago, but we spelled his name wrong. Phillip "Damn Straight!" Bishop wrote an editorial comment to SNN Headline News, stating that he was "very angry" and "mad enough to spit styrofoam." We regret our error and don't want any more comments from the peanut gallery.

SNN HEADLINE NEWS
is copyright © 1998 Zaphod Beeblebrox Productions, Ltd.

<|| SNN HEADLINE NEWS
maintains its standards of "Fast, Cheap, and Out of Control" reporting of STF events. Please remember us on your Christmas card list--won't you?

(C) 1998 Zaphod Beeblebrox Productions, Ltd.