"None of the news you need, when you really don't need it"

<|| OUR TOP STORY
Currently, the wherabouts of the USS Ark Angel are unknown. Residents claim that the Ark Angel just vanished out of the known universe. The Ark Angel was last seen at a dead standstill as it battled an as-yet-unidentified creature looming within the plumbing. If you or anyone you don't know has seen the USS Ark Angel, call our toll-full number, 1-600-223-4578.

<|| CRAP ABOUNDS
And we mean it! In the Jell-O wars, it seems that Mr. Hankey (Greg "Step on it! Ow my foot! Not my foot you imbecile!" Hertzsch) has taken control of the entire scene and brought in MTV's Beavis and Butthead to keep the peace. Crisis was averted, though, after USS Cherry captain Mark "Me gustaria ir al cine para ver la pornografia!" Wilson called on the powers of Bill Cosby to save the day. The connection between the Jell-O wars and 1997 presidential hopeful Steve Forbes is still being determined.

<|| AGAIN WITH THE THING?
In a surprise announcement the day before tomorrow, STF President Greg ". . . and you smell like one too" Hertzsch announced that he did NOT have an alleged affair with Klingon ambassador K'Ehleyr while she was an intern with the Klingon High Council. Quotes Hertzsch, "I did NOT under any circumstances undergo Pon Farr with Ms. K'Ehleyr," unquote. Hertzsch declined further accusations, and referred all questions to a nearby chicken. Reportedly, the chicken stiffly denied the allegations.

<|| SNN HEADLINE NEWS
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-Mark Wilson, in his one and only starring role as Hezikiel Brown in "Cowardspleen"

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