"We have nothing to fear but . . . agghh! What the hell is that! Run! Augh!"

<|| OUR TOP STORY
SNN Headline News brings you the biggest story since the renovation of our building at 1 SNN Center -- the State of STF Address.
Early this morning, a weary Greg "How do I spell relief?" Hertzsch dragged himself to the podium and gave the speech. The dreaded comment came: "STF on Prodigy has been nearly dead as of late." Indeed it has, but Hertzsch has high hopes that it will be restored. While this action seems frivolous, as though the STF President was inhaling paint thinner, he does say that he will reinstate new RPG's for the ships; the Victorious' ". . . is over two years old now."
As the fate of STF on Prodigy becomes cloudy, like so much split-pea soup, Hertzsch assures a grateful STF that things are not as bad as they seem, and he promises a new plan: "New recruits will join STF when they observe a happy and active club." Just when the club will become active and happy again remains to be seen.
According to Hertzsch, STFers Mike "Accht!" Ballway and Larry "James A." Garfield have begun the drafting of Articles of Organization. There is more talk of how STF is going to be, but this State of STF address seems more like an assurance -- "Yes! Everything's fine! Just fine!" but just how fine things are remain to be seen. SNN Headline News will have the results of a round-table discussion with "Mr. Politics" Bob Uecker, the bloodied, decaying corpse of Bob Costas, and ABC reporter Barbara Walters.
 
<|| FLEET NEWS AND SIMILAR DOINGS
More with STF President Greg "What has it got in its pocketses?" Hertzsch--he seems to have opened a Fleet 5. Yes, this new-fangled Fleet will be commanded by B.J. "Urgh, where is it, Precious?" Phillips and have the strength of eight oxen! In other Fleet News, Colin "Crossed" Wyers is the new FComm for Fleet 4, Randy "We hates it! We hates it forever!" McCullick is the new Ark Angel XO.

<|| SNIFF, SNIFF
Is the sound heard 'round STF when news of Jeff "Nine for the mortal men doomed to die" Fields' resignation was thrown, in the company of a brick, through the window of STF President Greg "In the land of Mordor, where the Shadows lie" Hertzsch's office. Fields will be sorely missed by everyone, including his 8 illegitimate Ferengi children.
 
<|| MORE SAD STORIES
It is rumoured that STF's own Mike "3 for the Elven Kings under the Sky" Ballway's membership to Prodigy will terminate this June. He will, however, stay on the Internet.
There are evil days ahead for STF. But you can help make them better by subscribing to SNN Headline News! A year-long subscription is only 248 Space-Bucks!

<||MORE INFORMATION ABOUT SNN HEADLINE NEWS

© 1998 Zaphod Beeblebrox Productions, Ltd.

This, the single-largest edition of SNN Headline News, has been brought to you by the letters "E" and "S" and by the number "434,602."
And, please, on your anniversary, give her the gift that lasts year-round -- the gift of SNN Headline News. After that mark on your head heals, we guarantee she'll love it.

Mark Wilson, Editor of SNNHN and Associate Editor at SNN.