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Vol. II |
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No. 7 |
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Vol. II |
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No. 7 |
Our Top Story
After a battle of wits that went into overtime, STFer Colin "Frayed" Wyers has been crowned the new sociological Court Jester of STF. This position holds no responsibility and no rewards, but people passing Central HQ can hurl rotten oranges and nectarines at him as he dances to Polka music. In a related story, "Aye on the WeBB" publisher Seamus "Nod, nod, nod" Hughes has acquired a large orange-producing firm. Could the two be related? We'll tell you only if you say please -- next week!
If I go back into the past and meet my grandfather, and say to him, "Hey Gramps, think about what she'll look like in forty years," and I make him not marry my grandmother, I would never be born. A few questions arise: if I was never born, that means I can't discuss dating with Gramps, which means, thus, that I will be born, and go on to uncreate myself. That's the Time-Travel Paradox.
Second, would I disappear gradually, like Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future, or would I just cease to exist like that one episode of Super Friends?
If you've ever played The Journeyman Project, then you'll versed in the ways of time-travel. For the uninnitiated, a temporal disruption appears at the point of the historical change and ripples, like a wave, forward through time, changing events and "uncreating" people in its path. Depending on how far back in time the rip was, it can take hours or minutes to reach the present.
I like this theory. It makes interesting conversation when I'm trying to pick up women at the Antimatter Cafe.
But I always come Home Alone, anyway.
Aaauggh!
We Scoop "Aye on the WeBB" Like So Many Ice Cream Sundaes
In what will most definitely result as a drive-by pudding, we at SNN Headline News have gotten the impossible (if not incoherent) interview with SNN Executive Editor Mike Ballway. Here now, is the unrehearsed, unedited, unscripted exchange between two great minds (and Associate Editor Mark Wilson was there, too.)
1. Great. White. Fleet. These three words strike terror into the hearts of STFers everywhere. How do you do it?
MB: A combination of deceit, trickery, manipulation, and Blue Jello.
2: In a no-holds-barred battle to the death, who would win: President Clinton, or "President" Xiang Zemin of China?
MB: This depends on whether or not Clinton retains the line-item veto.
3: If you could be any type of waterfowl, what would you be?
MB: Is this a multiple choice question?
4: Cheese has feelings, too. What other dairy products have feelings?
MB: Yogurt -- only feelings can produce an active culture like that.
5: If a train leaves Orlando for Chicago at 50 mph, and a train departing for Minneapolis leaves from Augusta, Maine at the same time, travelling at 60 mph, and they were both Amtrak trains, which one would crash first?
MB: You misspelled "traveling."
6: You invented the "Funny Quote" name device (purportedly). What are some funny names for Seamus Hughes?
MB: Seamus "Kick da Seamus" Hughes; Seamus "The color red has many" Hughes; Seamus "SNN Headline" Hughes; Seamus "The XO Files" Hughes.
7: Have you ever tried to put all your eggs in one basket?
MB: Once, when I was little. The investment paid off.
8: How about those Cubs?
MB: SOSA HIT #62!
9: Who is your favorite Super Friend?
MB: Hmm. This is the first question that is making me think. Not Batman or Superman -- too mainstream. Not Robin or Marvin or the Wonder Twins -- too childish. Not Aquaman -- too useless. Green Lantern, I think.
10: Does fighting fire with fire really work?
MB: Only on the WeBB.
We'll Be Seeing You
Due to even-lower-than-usual activity on P$ (that may rival Black July, or was it August?) SNN Headline News Vol. I (that's the P$ edition) will be on an indefinite lunch break. When activity picks up, or when we finish that last spoonful of soup, we'll begin again with SNNHN I,19. Good thing we're keeping track.
Visit Us On the WeBB
If you'd like to see "SNN Headline News" with super-cool graphics, head on over to [www.geocities.com/Area51/1519/SNNHN.html] for archives and current editions of everyone's least-favorite electronic periodical.
Jim Armstrong!
Due to popular demand by his publicists, Jim "I'm the funny one" Armstrong will have his name prominently displayed in this edition.
More Powerful Than a Hair Dryer
It's SNN Headline News no. 7! Should we do a horrifying thing and combine the numbers of Vols. I and II to come up with a staggering 25 issues? Nah...we'll wait 'till the Vol. II 10th edition party, to be held at SNN Center in Chicago. Until then we're content to entertain ourselves with our motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF events. Big issue this week...and we scooped Aye on the WeBB!
