<|| SNN HEADLINE NEWS ||>
Vol. II             No. 9


"That'll never heal if you don't stop picking."

<|| OUR TOP STORY
It seems as though things have picked up on the P$ front. People re-emerging from their cocoons to become less ugly butterflies include STF Personnel Director Greg "Everyone's a kidder. But why am I the kiddee?" Hertzsch, and FComm-1 Dennis "Parlor" Hannigan. The crew of the allegedly-defunct USS Victorious remains to be seen; it is believed they have been sucked into an obscure spacial rift. Authorities are questioning STFer Seamus "Take that, Pac-Man!" Hughes.

<|| BACK TO KINDERGARTEN
Childish name-calling has risen to new heights in the ongoing dispute between STFers Willy "Urgh!" Davis and Israel "Augh!" Harris. For 40+ replies at the McParty (note 23) they have gone back and forth, with people like Seamus "Smells like profanity" Hughes, STF President Mike "I'll sit this one out" Bourdaa, and Jason "Carl who?" Lee. It seemed like Davis, with his keen and downright scary knowledge, had the drop on Harris. All seemed lost until FComm-4 Larry "Jim Davis draws" Garfield entered the ring. Not only is he FComm-4, but an Ass. Editor at SNN. He has an office down the hall from mine. He's never there though, due to his fleet demands. I steal his paper clips when he's not here. Harassment is never funny, though, and we brought this up to mention the fact that we steal Garfield's paper clips when he's not looking. (And, to a lesser, degree, binder clips. Ohh!) Willy Davis, the finger of guilt is looking you in the face right now! But, thanks to Jason "I'm a hostage negotiator at heart" Lee, the bloody and gooey conflict has come to a grinding halt, like so many freight cars. Thanks to his model U.N. work, a treaty has been formed. Whether or not the treaty will stand is open for debate. Expect to see STF President Mike "It's not freedom that's the problem -- it's alcohol!" Bourdaa fighting for the Republican party.

<|| WE'RE SORRY (WE TOLD YOU IT WOULDN'T BE THE LAST TIME)
Many moons ago, we misspelled the name of STFer Phillip "Next to the knight goes a" Bishop. More recently, we referred to Owen "Refried peanut butter" Townes as the current Vice-Cheese, when in reality he is the former Veep. Today (and obviously long before today) we made a greivous error, referring to Jason "Y" Lee as Jason "insertVariable" Lee! Apparently we were scrolling through the WeBB pages, and the two letters must have transposed themselves. Mr. Lee wrote an angry letter to "SNN Headline News," but we lost it and can't seem to find it anymore. Things like that happen around here...all too often (and conveiniently).

Keep in mind that "SNN Headline News" assumes no responsibility for our mistakes, as we here at SNN have no proofreaders or editors other than Mike "Chairman of the Bored" Ballway, Larry "Department of Redundancy department" Garfield and myself, Mark "All's the world's a farce" Wilson.

<|| GREGORY'S CORNER
By H. Simon Gregory

You know what's really interesting? You have the word "friend," right? If you take the "r" out, then you have "fiend." Is that a coincidence? Are you friends your fiends at the same time? Is the enemy of your enemy your friend? Maybe -- unless the enemy of your enemy has his (or her) (or its) own agenda. In that case, I suppose your enemy would become your friend. Unless you've all got seperate agendas. In that case, I guess there's no one you can trust. Can I trust you?

<|| THE MORE THINGS CHANGE, THE MORE THEY STAY THE SAME
Like the end here, where we inform our Die-Hard(R)-brand readers that this is SNN HEADLINE NEWS issue no. 9. That means we're one issue away from the 10th issue party. Expect to see a gala festival going on at our building at 1 SNN Center. Or, expect to see me waving a small, worthless flag. Your choice, of course. And as soon as I can get the permits from the President's Office, we'll be parteeing. By the way, we adhere vicariously to our credo of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF events. Check us out in issue 11 (10 will be all fun and games) when Greg Hertzsch steps up to the plate -- and strikes out. Also, why does everyone dislike Seamus Hughes? He's furry, he's cuddly, he foams at the mouth. I mean, what's not to like? Until then, the sky's the limit (and so is -459°F/-273°C/O°K).

(C) 1998 The Ford Prefect Co, Chicago

Back to the Archives