<|| SNN HEADLINE NEWS ||>
Vol. II            No. 11


"See participating stores for details."

<|| DAILY SHIP GETS NAME, HOT WATER HEATER
For hours now, STFers from Zanzibar to Barcalay Square have been itching at the chance to find out new information about the Daily Ship. After a careful investigation, it was discovered that STF Personnel Director Greg "Rhymes with 'church'" Hertzsch put itching powder in the uniforms of every member of STF. Suffice to say, without the itching powder they still begged, pleaded, and "spoon!"ed for more, so here is the latest deep-dish dirt on the Daily Ship.

Sources far from "SNN Headline News" tell us that the ship will be named "Titania" and be the prototype for the Titania class. Currently, specs for this ultra-cool super-neat vessel are being transmitted to STF Personnel Director Greg "Twice in the same story!" Hertzsch via e-mail. Unfortunately, Hertzsch doesn't have MS Excel, so folks are thinking of giving it to him as an Adobe Acrobat file.

According to specifications, designs for the ship's hot water heater are "frozen" (see your STNG Technical Manual for details) and the heater itself should be installed by late January. I've been informed by FComm-5 Nathan "Julius Sumner" Miller that "...it's 2nd char only, we are currently fully staffed with a command crew and 2 jr's per dept. We will not be accepting dash-3's." Miller also said, "the ship is different from most others, and we want people to know what they're getting into." This is probably why all applicants who worked at SNN were turned down. A lawsuit is in the works. If you want to see the "Titania" and other information about that neat-o ship, head on over to [http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Lair/3096/t2a.htm].

<|| SEAMUS "BAH!" HUGHES HELD HOSTAGE, FORCED TO ANSWER QUESTIONS
In our greatest interview since our last one, "Aye on the WeBB" publisher, editor, and janitor Seamus "What's with all the boot marks?" Hughes sits down with one of our boys to discuss...and ponder.

NOTE: The following interview was done in the #stf chat room. Some parts have been edited because of redundancy, but the only parts edited were those that didn't pertain to the conversation. Some things were rearranged. Punctuation was added when necessary, and words in brackets have been edited for spelling only.

SNN: Question 1: I say Colin Wyers. You say...
AYE: Farmer Joe.
SNN: Anything else?
AYE: Well yes: A right wing [extremist] who runs by the code name Farmer Joe which in Seamuism translates to "One with big Pitchfork."
SNN: Question 2: Where's the love?
AYE: Probably hiding out in a third world country with "Heart", "Kindness", "Understanding" and Elvis.
SNN: I was referring to the song by the psuedopopular group "Hanson." Do you think the older one looks like a horse?
AYE: I think Him and Courtney Love should get married and mate but keep Courtney's last name, not only would the child "find the love" it would BE the love. And I'm sure the child would look like a horse.
SNN: Question 3: If you could be any kitchen utensil, what would you be?
AYE: A spork of course.
SNN: And why is that?
AYE: First, the name is just so cool, and it got so many purposes, the [exact] opposite of me.
Because it can get the soup and peas in one try AND sometimes I even get the cook's hair. Oh Happy Day!
SNN: Question 4: What would you do for a Klondike bar?
AYE: I would quit my job as the [circus] freak and work [at] Sam Goody to pay for the Klondike Bar.
SNN: Question 5: What do all acids have in common?
AYE: They begin with the letter A and end with the letter S and the middle letters are CID.
SNN: Incorrect.
AYE: BAH!
SNN: All acids contain H+ ions.
AYE: Wrong! I was right!
SNN: Scientifically speaking you were wrong.
Question 6: Can you say "I've got a hot date" in Spanish?
AYE: Soy Have a date with senoir Seamus.
SNN: Incorrect. "Tengo un datil caliente"
AYE: Wrong, [you] need to add Seamus in there.
SNN: I don't have a date with you. Wait...let me check me calendar.
Question 7: In a battle to the death, who would win: Ross Perot or Bob Dole?
AYE: The Republicans or the [Indepdendent] party would celebrate, whatever the outcome, so they win.
SNN: When you say "win", what do you mean?
AYE: If Bob dole wins, the [Independent] party would celebrate Perot's death and vice [versa].
SNN: Question 8: Have you ever read "A Seperate Peace"?
AYE: No I do have a seperate piece of whup ass I can use whenever I want.
SNN: What does that mean?
AYE: Just trying to confuse the hell out of you.
SNN: Question 9: Who is Mike Ballway?
AYE: My father.
SNN: No, I mean -- he's so mysterious. Where did he come from?
AYE: If I had to take a guess I would have to say from Iowa, all the [wierdos] come from Iowa, Colin Wyers for example....
SNN: You must not understand. When did he join STF? Who is he, etc?
AYE: I'm guessing 1992, on Prodigy, he became the FComm of 2nd and the CO of the Connie and the second most annoying person in STF. (guess the first).
SNN: Greg Hertzsch? Larry Garfield? Owen Townes?
AYE: Me.
SNN: Oh. So the GWF was always there.
AYE: Yeah I [think].
SNN: Question 10, Seamus: Who is your favorite Super Friend and why?
AYE: My favorite super friend? Bill Clinton, no one can take a "licking" and keep on ticking like he does, not even [Superman].
SNN: Good, Seamus, the interview's over. Go to bed.

<|| IT'S THE CURE FOR WHAT AILS YOU
Down here we call it SNN Headline News no. 11, and it's still reeling from the fallout of the 10th Issue Party! We have reported several million dollars in damage here at SNN Center -- and there was some damage from the party, too! What an edition no. 11! Thanks to the chat room at #star-fleet, "Headline News" was able to get the skinny on the daily ship in our longest article ever! We'd like to thank Nathan "Radley" Miller and STF Personnel Director Greg "It's the memories that last" Hertzsch for their cooperation during this torturous questioning period. These acknowledgements should also extend to Bob "The last name must be fake" Spurlin, who was also in the room answering questions (and now I know what his chat name is!)

This block of text exists to tell you all to keep in mind that we stick to our guns -- and our motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF events. Catch us next time when FComm-6 Colin Wyers tells us about his pain...and his desire to kill Seamus "It's a simple misunderstanding" Hughes.

(C) 1998 The Ford Prefect Co, Chicago

Back to the Archives