<|| SNN HEADLINE NEWS ||>
Vol. II            Issue 13
"If you build it, they will sue."

<|| ROBERT SMOKESTACK'S UNRESOLVED ENIGMAS
Randy "Veep" McCullick was your average STFer -- except that he was the Vice-President. That all changed long ago, when McCullick was elected Assistant Cheese and then promptly disappeared. Investigators blame a jealous Owen "The EDir Man" Townes for his possible kidnapping and murder. Townes then brainwashed "SNNHN" staff into thinking that HE was the Co-Dictator, prompting them to write it in one of their editions. This didn't hold up in court, though, and FComm-1 counsel Dennis "Rumpus Room" Hannigan forced Townes into admitting his own lie -- that he committed foul play, knocked McCullick unconcious, threw the body somewhere and forgot all about it. Townes doesn't remember where he stashed the confused Cabinet head. If you or anyone you know has any information on the whereabouts of Veep Randy "I like bananas because they have no bones" McCullick, send your info to:

SNN Headline News
515 SNN Center
Chicago, EA

You must give your name. Our, call our toll-full number, 1-900-987-6464.

<|| SOCKO-BOFFO!
That is the only word that can describe things that have happened at SNN Headline News. Since our TRIPLE, count 'em, TRIPLE feature came out on Sunday, we haven't had a chance to report the news of the SNN Headline News 10th Edition Party (but that was 3 editions ago!) Since that time, STFers like Larry "Since when did I start publishing 'WeBBSights'?" Garfield and Jason "Smells like libel" Lee have thrown their pence into the ring. Israel "Call me Izzy...then again, don't" Harris questioned the Associate Editor (not yours truly) about the nature of Blue Jell-O. "SNNHN" dares to be different by PUBLICLY ENDORSING RED JELL-O for all of its Jell-O yumminess. How this affects the mating patterns of alligators is yet to be discovered.

Currently, SNN Executive Editor Mike "XEM" Ballway is holding a lecture in front of our building at 515 SNN Center to explain the nature of Jell-O and its important role in STF. See marked boxes for details.

<|| BALLWAY'S QUESTION ANSWERED
The company that makes Jell-O(R) is the General Foods Corporation.

<|| SNN HEADLINE NEWS HERTZSCH -- WE STUBBED OUR TOE
If you don't understand the above headline, you're not alone. All headline writers are on strike, demanding better hours and better pay. They don't realize yet that they're volunteer workers.

Meanwhile, SNN Headline News stood up for an interview with STF Personnel Director Greg "One more outburst like that and you're grounded!" Hertzsch. Here he tells us about communism, antidisestablishmentarianism, and Bobby Knight! The interview is only 9 questions because we couldn't count correctly. (1...3...8...14!)

SNN: Question 1: Are you, or have you ever been, or will you be...a communist?
GRG: Never! I am opposed to communism and socialism. I am a pure capitalist all the way. I believe in the freedoms and liberty provided by the US Constitution and its restraints on the role of government. In communism and socialism you depend and rely on government to take care of you in return for a sacrifice of some of your basic freedoms. Communism and freedom don't mix. I'll take freedom anytime.
SNN: That's very good.
Question 2: Finish this statement. "If I had a hammer, I'd..."
GRG: hammer in the morning, I'd hammer in the evening... Sorry, an old song popped into my head with that phrase. If I had a hammer, I'd pound something.
SNN: Any particular...thing you'd hammer?
GRG: Let me think.... I'd hammer the head of the first possum I saw into a bloody pulp.
SNN: Question 3: Can you confirm that too many cooks spoil the broth?
GRG: Yes. Each cook feels he must add his own part into the broth. Even when the broth is perfect, any additional cooks will still want to contribute. Their additional contributions to an already perfect broth will logically spoil it.
SNN: And to think you stayed away from law school.
GRG: I'm a doctor, not a lawyer! Wait... I'm no doctor. Scrap that.
SNN: Exactly what are you? You're not a mad scientist, I hope.
GRG: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm not a mad scientist. I'm just mad.
SNN: Is that a "yes" or a "no"? Or is it a "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"?
GRG: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA means yes. But the question is, do I really mean yes? Or does my yes mean no?
SNN: Is this a multiple-choice question?
GRG: Yes
SNN: A? B? None of the above?
GRG: A
SNN: Perfect score! Hey, I'll ask the questions around here.
Question 4: How about those Cardinals?
GRG: Fuck the Cardinals. Fuck the Wildcats. Greg is a native Hoosier at heart. Go Bobby Knight! Wait, we ain't talking college basketball yet. Never mind, hehehe.
SNN: So tell me about Bobby Knight, then.
GRG: Bobby Knight is the man! He is the perfect basketball coach with the proper attitude. He speaks his mind and tells it (and shows it) like it is. What other coach would hurl a chair across the arena floor when pissed off at the refs.
SNN: Like Larry King?
GRG: Yes
SNN: Larry King gets angry sometimes. He doesn't throw chairs, though. Too old.
GRG: Of course he does. Well Bobby Knight is in his upper 50's at least.
SNN: Larry King has had seven wives.
GRG: I guess Larry King couldn't satisfy his wives sexually, so each one dumped him.
SNN: Question 5: Can you spell "antidisestablishmentarianism"?
GRG: No I can't. Too long.
SNN: Question 6: Who is your favorite Super Friend?
GRG: That's a good question. I'd have to say Wonder Woman. She could please a man in ways never before conceived.
SNN: Is that why you didn't say Aqua Man?
GRG: I'm sure a woman would answer Aqua Man.
SNN: Why do you suppose Robin hangs out with Batman?
GRG: To get free Bat cookies and milk.
SNN: So Batman isn't a pedophile?
GRG: No. Because Robin is over 18. Even if they were gay lovers, it wouldn't be pedophilic by definition.
SNN: Does Robin really sound like Casey Kasem?
GRG: No. Batman sounds like Casey Kasem.
SNN: I don't think so.
GRG: hehehe
SNN: Question 7: If you could be any kind of waterfowl, what would you be?
GRG: A seagull. Seagulls have ambition. Read "Jonathan Livingston Seagull."
SNN: But aren't seagulls prejudiced in much the same way as pigeons?
GRG: Very much so. They have lots of self-pride.
SNN: If you scavenged for garbage, would you have self-pride?
GRG: Not as a human I wouldn't. Animals know no better. They have no respect nor knowledge of property.
SNN: It's not their fault.
GRG: I know. They are animals.
SNN: Question 8: How do I do those end quotes [on IRC]? It's not /quit.
GRG: To make a permanent end quote, click on the General Options toolbar icon (3rd from left) and choose Perform. For a temporary one, I thought it was /quit then you type your message after
SNN: Thanks.
Question 9: rare, medium rare, well done? (Or in-between)
GRG: Medium rare
SNN: Aren't you worried about e-coli?
GRG: No. Steak, no e-coli threat. Chicken and burgers must be cooked all the way through to be safe.
SNN: Mad cow disease then.
SNN: Thank you for the interview. Look for it in an upcoming edition of "SNNHN"
GRG: I surely will.

Readers of SNNHN will be glad to know that this will be the last chat room interview...until we find Colin "Split" Wyers' interview.

<|| LARRY GARFIELD SPELZ WRONG
SNN Associate Editor Larry "Please don't squeeze the 'WeBBSights'" Garfield doesn't know how to spell "bastard," replacing the second "a" with an "e." This is here to take up space. You can rent this space by flying to our building at SNN Center in Chicago.

<|| SNOOPING AROUND THE NON-DAIRY CREAMER'S OFFICE
FComm-4 and SNN Associate Editor Larry "Award for most times mentioned in a single issue" Garfield has recently proposed an idea to the Commander-in-Cheese: CO Review. Beginning with Fleet 4, the crew would review the GM, CO, and XO of the ship. Garfield would have complete and unquestionable control over Fleet 4 this way, then he and FComm-2 Mike "The modem goes OUT the window" Ballway will consolidate their fleets to make the omnipotent Fleet 8. Editor's Note: only the first part of this is true, at least according to Garp-field.

<|| AND THAT'S FINAL!
SNN Headline News no. 13 was sent to its room for misbehaving. Editors Larry "And baby makes 6" Garfield and Mike "Maroon Tide" Ballway were sent home. Everyone was sent to bed without any supper, but reports have it that STF President Mike "Edict no. 1: Change my socks!" Bourdaa will be along next time to bail them all out. This is not the end. This is not the beginning of the end. This is the end...of SNN Headline News no. 13.

(C) 1998 The Ford Prefect Co, Chicago

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