<|| SNN HEADLINE NEWS ||>
Vol. II            No. 14


"I guess I did misspell 'traveling'."

<|| OUR TOP STORY
In a cameo appearance that shocked Head Cheese Mike "Tyrant" Bourdaa into fainting, Starfleet News Network founder and head cafeteria worker Genesun "Not for him, we don't" Han appeared at the STF chat room on Stdt. 9809.10 (98100.9 for you WeBB revolutionairies). Everyone reminisced about SNN, and the early, very bad days of "SNN Update." "Headline News" would like to encourage everyone to visit the archives of "SNN Update" issues 0-5 at [www.star-fleet.com/snn/]. SNN's own Executive Editor, Mike "if it's verbal, it's slander; if it's written, it's libel" Ballway would like to encourage everyone to see issue 6-7.

Mr. Han was nice enough to say to SNNHN, "facts should never get in the way of good reporting". This has been the reinforced-concrete foundation that SNN has been built on for years. Building inspectors later determined that the foundation was not safe, so SNN Center was evacuated.

Also discovered was a large buildup of Radon in the basement, near the file cabinets housing the "Articles of Organization." Experts attribute this to the fact that the Articles have been sitting there so long, they have absorbed large amounts of the deadly gas.

<|| ASSOCIATE CONSUL RETURNS
After many a month out of the loop, STF Vice-President Randy "I'm glad they got it right this time" McCullick has come out of hiding. Citing the need for a new job, McCullick is glad to be back at STF. This is the third re-appearance of seemingly long gone personnel in two weeks. Last week former FComm-5 B.J. "Are you sure I'm the former FComm-5? It could be 3 or 4" Phillips showed up, and you can read about Genesun "Where did Barclay go?" Han in the above article.

<|| WE FINALLY FIND COLIN "I LIKE POLITICS" WYERS' INTERVIEW
In what can only be called the "last chat interview" partially because it is the last chat interview, Colin Wyers, FComm-6 and sociology professor, gives us the quarter truth about Communism and Seamus Hughes. Strap on your helmets, campers, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

8 Questions? Someone's been downsizing in the question department. Only Bourdaa Rex and IDir Nick "Microwave" Oven left. Show support for interviews by writing to SNNHN at [mwilson32@hotmail.com] and requesting an interview. Or, we'll find you.

SNN: Question 1: Were you, or have you ever been, a Communist?
CLN: No.
SNN: Question 2: Is Seamus Hughes an all-around good guy?
CLN: I take issue with any assertation that he's a guy.
SNN: So, you think he's a good...person?
CLN: I take issue with any assertation that he's a person.
SNN: Is the entity known as Seamus Hughes a good carbon-based lifeform?
CLN: Let's just say he's dead if I get my hands on him.
SNN: Let's move on.
CLN: Good enough.
SNN: Question 3: When I say FComm-2 Mike Ballway, you say:
CLN: Fellow arch conservative and all around nice guy.
SNN: Conservative? As Seamus would say, "BAH!"
CLN: Despite his forign language tendancies. If you side with Seamus, you have my pity, little man. Is this going in any sort of SNN thing?
SNN: Of course.
CLN: Next question.
SNN: Question 4: What are your plans for the Sixth Fleet? Take over STF? Become a millionaire by selling those hairspray shields?
CLN: Who told you about my takeover plans?
SNN: I found it at Fleet Ops.
CLN: You do realize that you have to die now.
SNN: Um...Seamus gave them to me.
CLN: You know. Your life is forfeit. Next question.
SNN: Question 5: Have you ever counted your chickens before they were hatched (not a joke about Iowa...but it could be!)?
CLN: Yes. They made damn good scrambled eggs.
SNN: Question 6: If a=b and b=c then a=...
CLN: I 'c', I 'c', said the witty interviewee to the braindead reporter.
SNN: I am quite witty.
CLN: You just keep telling yourself that.
SNN: Telling myself what?
CLN: Never mind. Next question.
SNN: Question 7: Better, worse, or about the same?
CLN: Headline News is much worse than Update.
SNN: I wasn't talking about that (but thanks anyway)
CLN: What were you speaking of, then?
SNN: Isn't that what your eye doctor says?
CLN: Wouldn't know, I had him shot.
SNN: Was he hit between the eyes?
CLN: I know better than to ask about the details of an assasination.
SNN: What assasination?
CLN: Of my eye doctor.
SNN: No, I mean... *what assasination?*
CLN: You have problems keeping up with a conversation, don't you?
SNN: No...what assasination?
CLN: Just ask the next question.
SNN: Question 8: We know about Colin Wyers the FComm-6, Colin Wyers the philosopher, Colin Wyers the farmer, (ouch!) but tell us about Colin Wyers the person.
CLN: Um... there's not much to tell. I lifeguard, go to school, edit the school newspaper, do debate stuff, hang out in IRC, and plot the violent death of people who make farm jokes.

<|| MEMORIES, WHOA WHOA MEMORIES
Ah, reliving the past. First B.J. "Here I am!" Phillips returns to STF and now Genesun "I want my office back!" Han visits his old stomping grounds. SNN Executive Editor Mike "Tonight feels like an Arby's night" Ballway relived old "SNN Updates," and yours truly clips his toenails. Better sweep up the floor now. Hmmm...

For the past couple (count 'em, couple) issues we've neglected to mention our second-hand Journalistic Motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting of STF events." And now we've stopped not mentioning it, which means we've mentioned it.

Come back next week (week? my, we're sure of ourselves today) when we give you II15, containing an evening with the President and some more of H. Simon Gregory, who is currently working for "Aye on the WeBB" on a number of classified projects, among them how to make lemons dance. Dare we mention that elections are in February? It's time for a change - Vote Seamus Hughes.

(C) 1998 The Ford Prefect Co, Chicago

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