<|| SNN HEADLINE NEWS ||>
Vol. II            No. 15


"Ah, cheese -- the nectar of the Gods."

<|| OUR TOP STORY
All seems quiet on the STF front as ships go about their daily business and government maintains its integrity. This sort of calm is not felt often within STF, and leads us to believe that STF President Mike "Welcome to my nightmare" Bourdaa is planning a complete takeover of STF's government. A nearby sedimentary rock spoke for Bourdaa by saying, "It's not like he didn't have it coming."

<|| A WORD FROM EDIR RANDY "I'M NOT JUST THE EDIR, I'M ALSO THE VEEP" MCCULLICK
The STF Engineering Department is currently looking for Technically minded frequent posters (at least once a week) to work as Engineering Aides in the ED. Interested parties may e-mail Engineering Director R.E. McCullick (edir@star-fleet.com) with a resume and 5 reasons why they'd be a good EA.

<|| JASON "SPIKE" LEE COMPLAINS, WE LOSE HIS LETTER AGAIN
STFer Jason "Bruce" Lee was sighted outside our building at 515 SNN Center again. Disguised as a well-meaning, normal person, Lee made his way into the Associate Editor's office and began to complain like it was 2399. Unfortunately, he had the wrong Associate Editor. Larry "Mediator Man" Garfield then directed Lee to our office. He got lost, and was found ranting and raving at our Xerox(R) Document Center.

After a long and painful bus ride, he found our office (next door to Garfield's) and proceeded to complain again. This time, Lee was visibly (and auditorially) upset about our telling him to kindly stay away from us. He wrote, once again, an angry letter to "Headline News," but it somehow made its way to the PADD shredder before we could look at it. It is assumed that none of his subjects agreed with any of his verbs.

<|| MIKE BOURDAA TELLS ALL, THEREFORE TELLS NOTHING
Long ago we sent a memo to the Prez asking him for some frank opinions on certain issues. Instead we recieved what appeared to be answers to interview questions. Seeing as how we don't know any better, we published it anyway, much to the dismay of FComm-1 Dennis "Garage" Hannigan.

1) How do you pronounce your last name?
BOARd-ah (the d is a little softer than if it were the word board)

2) Do you get tired of us making fun of you?
Nah.

3) How about those Indians?
How about those Angels? Commit to lose. I'm rooting for the Cubbies now - they're the biggest underdogs left. Of course, the only way the Cubs could win the Series would be if they were playing the aforementioned Angels (the only team in baseball which is more cursed than they are.) Actually, I take that back.. The Cubs could take it from the Red Sox too, I suppose.

4) Got milk?
No, I'm not lactating currently. Try again later ;-)

5) Tell us about Mike Ballway. He's so mysterious, like the Phantom of the Opera or David Lee Roth. Who is he? What is he?
I think him more as resembling Nessie.

6) In the event of an emergency, where are the exits?
In the event of an emergency, put your head between your legs and kiss your ass good bye. My father's a genius...his plan now is to store 40 gallons of gasoline in a plastic trash can underneath a Eucalyptus tree. (KABOOM!)

7) Can you verify the fact that all roads lead to Rome?
I think that's true.. but considering traffic...

8) Boeing, Northrop, Lockheed-Martin, or McDonnell-Douglas?
Airbus.

9) In a no-holds-barred cage match, who would win -- Thomas Jefferson or John Adams?
Neither.. gotta go with Aaron Burr.. the only American executive ever to resign over a murder charge. Not that he's my hero or anything...um...

10)Who is your favorite Super Friend?
I may be old, but I'm not THAT old. (although those supertwins irritate me...)

<|| GREGORY'S CORNER
By H. Simon Gregory

There are a lot of funny sayings that you might think are pretty funny, but when you stop to think, they're not funny at all. Like "kick the bucket" when someone dies. Sorry, but dead people don't kick buckets. They don't kick anything. I think it's very rude to say that someone has "kicked the bucket" when the die.

What about "break a leg"? Sure, it means good luck, but what if you take it literally? You'll end up in the hospital, and won't have the opporunity to do whatever you were going to do.

Then there's the really misleading sayings, like "burning the midnight oil." What's the difference between midnight oil and regular oil? I think they're the same thing, whether it's morning, afternoon, or midnight. Quite frankly it makes me upset that people would be so ignorant as to use these very misleading, and sometimes downright inconsiderate phrases. And if you do use one of these obscure idioms, then you're as dead as a doornail.

<|| ALL SWELL THAT ENDS SWELL
Except of course, for the rantings Jason "Way" Lee (or is it "Lee" Way?). When will this guy learn to quit? SNN has beefed up its security out front from one pygmy marmoset to a pygmy marmoset and several cockatoos. When asked what he thought, STF Personnel Director Greg "Patent pending" Hertzsch could only say, "Hee hee...cockatoo...". It is assumed that Lee has brainwashed him in his quest for galactic domination. Upon further investigation, "Headline News" concluded that Hertzsch was always that way.

If you or anyone you know would like to put an ADVERT in the next edition of SNNHN, send your advertisments to the Ass. Editor at [mwilson32@hotmail.com]. Try to make it government-oriented. SNNHN reserves the right to politely or impolitely refuse ADVERT requests.

A survey of staunch Democrats has revealed that "SNN Headline News" remains correct in its devotion to its dependent (it's a tax write-off!) Journalistic Motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting of STF events." Come back to Oz next time when IDir Nick "IDir" Oven assumes command of II16. Also, the #star-fleet language craze. What's so wrong with Spanish, anyway? Now that we've plumb run out of interviews, the random drawings take effect. Be on the lookout -- you could be next!

(C) 1998 The Ford Prefect Co, Chicago

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