<|| SNN HEADLINE NEWS ||>
Vol. II            No. 16


"The last one to leave is entitled to the ice-sculpture"

<|| OUR TOP STORY
Maintaining a journalistic standard that defies belief by anyone with an IQ above 5, "SNN Headline News" once again began publication of Vol. I (that's the P$ edition) after what seemed to be an increase in activity. This can only mean one thing: that the WeBB edition (that's Vol. II) is catching up to the P$ edition (Vol. I, or have we reviewed that?) When asked about the P$ edition, a butcher, baker, and candlestick maker jumped in a tub and sailed off.

<|| WEBB ACTIVITY INCREASES, FCOMM-4 SUSPICIOUS
A general increase in WeBB activity has also been seen on the STF WeBB, perhaps due to the miraculous reappearance of Former SNN EIC Genesun "You can't abbrev. that!" Han, or that free synthehol is availiable at the Sisko Temple. Ongoing debates have been ensuing (or were they ensued already?) about, among other things, Captain Sisko's golf game, and the correct spelling of "Jello." SNNHN formally endorses the "Jell-O" spelling of the popular gelatin dessert, despite critics' claims that we don't know what we're talking about.

One of the more popular Fleetwide OOC subjects is Seamus' Sheep Jokes, a place where people can laugh, drink, and make corny sheep jokes.

STF President Greg "Smite me, go on, I dare you" Hertzsch has given five special rings to five special young people from around the galaxy in an attempt to discover what is going on. From Vulcan, Raduk, with the power of transwarp drive. From Cardassia, Gul-Danath, with the power of plasma. From Romulus, Subcommander Nivyek, with the power of artificial gravity. From Qo'NoS, Kalar, with the power of tricordrazine; and from Earth, Seamus, with the power of "Aye on the WeBB." When their powers are combined, they summon the Milky Way's greatest champion -- the genetically recreated clone of former STF President Jim Midyette!

<|| QUESTIONS SURROUND FIRST CONTACT ATTEMPTS
By Larimda ME

Technical problems continue to delay construction of the Starfleet Inter-Galaxy Subspace Array, the half mile high spherical apparatus designed to establish first contact with intelligent life in the Andromeda galaxy. Originally planned to be operational by early November, delays have pushed back the date to late March. Even more alarming, the project continues to run overbudget, with economists warning that by completion,the array will have a cost equivalent to STF's 1998 GDP. STF President Mike Bourdaa defended the project, insisting that the scientific payoff will more then make up the cost of the array. However, recent releases from the Science Council have mired the project in even more controversy. A report to be released next week by the Starfleet Communications Commision disputes President Bourdaa's claim that the original signals, containing the blueprints for the SIGS Array, were indeed alien in origin. In a Starfleet Metallurgical Society report to be released next month, "alien" alloys used in the SIGS Array are revealed to be strikingly similer to a new class of armor under development at the Starfleet BORG Administration. Most alarming of all is a seperate report by the STF Inspector General, which hints at a conspiracy, headed by President Bourdaa, to fabricate evidence of alien contact. While the ultimate aimsof the conspiracy are not revealed, the actress Jodie Foster's name appears a conspicuous 52 times. President Bourdaa refused to comment, but his press secretary blasted critics, dismissing the episode as being "yet another example of [the media's] unquenchable thirst for scandal ...[choosing] to ignore fact over fiction. The [alien signals] are a fact, and the professional association between President Bourdaa and John Hinkley has already been well documented." When asked to explain why Jodie Foster's name appears on the first contact astronaut list, the press conference was abruptly ended. The Starfleet Exploration Council has promised to open an inquiry into the matter, and the Engineering Department has convened a full review of the SIGS Array. However, with every day of delay costing 100 million credits, the Starfleet Science Council approved continuing construction despite the controversy.

<|| GM DIRECTOR UNDER HOT LIGHT, MELTS SOON AFTER
Deanne "The other side of the garbage disposal" Morgan recently wrote to SNNHN, complaining that she was never in any issues. Thus, she made up several interview questions and answered them herself. Currently, eight Asian elephants are investigating.

1. Would you subscribe to Buddhism?
I'd rather see a sample issue first.

2. Would you subscribe to "Newsweek"?
No. I can see how bad the world is in my immediate vacinity. Why would I want to know how bad it is everywhere else?

3. Is there anything the GM does that Sylvester Stallone can't do?
Think, talk, and act

4. Who invented the traffic light?
Some guy who didn't really want to get anywhere quickly.

5. What does four score and seven years mean to you?
You can only get laid four times every seven years.

6. If you could be any piece of computer hardware, what would you be, and why?
I could be incredibly narcissistic and say the monitor, so people would haveto look at me all day. But that's just not my style. I could make some risquereferences to parallel ports and hard drives, but that's not appropriate for afamily venue. So I guess the modem, so I could help everyone stay in touch.

7. In a no-holds-barred cage match, who would win: Napoleon or Alexander the Great?
Alexander the Great simply because Napoleon would be too busy with his hand in his jacket.

8. Who are the ad wizards that came up with that one?
Probably some figments lurking in the back of your frightening mind.

9. Are you as old as you feel?
Hell no

10.Who is your favorite Super Friend and why?
Batman. He's driven by the darker forces of his nature to do good. And thosedark niches of his psyche make him more interesting than some chick with goldbracelets or a guy in long blue underwear.

<|| GREGORY'S CORNER
By H. Simon Gregory

What's in a name? Letters, as far as I'm concerned. But what do letters mean? Are they gateways to the past, hidden secrets of a long-ago civilization? Are they just a phoenetic representation of our spoken language? Who knows -- not me, I don't speak English. I speak Rigelian, which by sheer coincidence, is exactly the same as English. To pronounce my REAL name, though, I would have to rip out your tongue.

All of this is well and good, but you say to yourself, "Why aren't camels run over by cars as often as deer?" and the sad truth is, there aren't as many camels as deer. I didn't want to be the one to break it to you, but it's the truth. Camels are a dying breed, and there's only one thing you can do to stop it.

Have all camels put to death, that way they'll be a dead breed instead. Where is this going, you ask? It's going in a steadily downward spiral that doesn't stop at the end of this paragraph. It stops at about the point where the reception desk meets the floor on the 1st floor of the SNNHN building at 515 SNN Center.

<|| NATURAL SELECTION TURNS UGLY
You can see that, since SNN Headline News Vol. II has gone on long enough to hit no. 16. We are proud to have (though he may not be proud to be) Genesun "Ah, my old desk. What's this 'XEM' nameplate? I'll just toss this aside" Han on the team. In fact, Han has succeeded in writing one article that is longer than our first fifteen SNNHNs combined! Some readers (who will remain nameless) may have been discouraged by the large blocks of text. Don't be -- we'll publish a picture-issue soon with smaller words.

But we digress...

Look for the electronic periodical with the slightly used Journalistic Motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF events. Stop by the shop next computing cycle when our guest will be GM Director Deanne "I'm pretty sure it's acid into water, but you could do it the other way" Morgan. She tells us about the 80s, and why you can never find the socks you're looking for. Next time, campers, look for the electronic periodical with the smokey bacon flavor -- look for "SNN Headline News"!

(C) 1998 The Ford Prefect Co, Chicago

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