<|| SNN HEADLINE NEWS ||>
Vol. II No. 17
After a long and merciless hiatus, we're back, with more news than you can shake a 10 meter stick at--
"You're only late if you show up."
<|| DARWIN'S THEORY PROVEN; MISSING LINK FOUND
Not surprisingly, STFer Willy "Does 'SNN' have one 'Z' or two?" Davis is that link between the savages of yesterday and the semi-modern folk you bump into on a thrice-weekly basis. Yes, Davis proved this point after writing an odd letter to us at SNNHN. In it, he appeared to be addressing what Israel "Sexual" Harris meant. (Write to us if you can't figure out the joke; we'll guide you through it).
<|| "AYE ON THE WEBB" PUBLISHES NO. 5, ONLOOKERS "SPOON!"ED
In what can only be called another rip-off of that famous The Tick catchphrase (also used by XEM Ballway, much to our dismay), "Aye on the WeBB" Dictator-for-Life Seamus "Where have all the potatoes gone?" Hughes has introduced into the world his fifth "Aye." We bring this up not because we're engaged in healthy competition (we want to buy out his company) but rather, because SNNHN's own H. Simon Gregory has written a column for the pariah of the Starfleet News Network (no, that's not SNNHN...or is it?).
<|| SURELY NO GOOD CAN COME OF THIS
We've made another error (get used to it, STF). In out last edition we referred to Greg "Sounds like 'church'" Hertzsch (a repeat, we know, but it's the answer to number 3 below!) as the STF President. Obviously the previous owners of the Key to the Executive Washroom have flipped our brians inside-out (from their previous orientation of wrong-side in), because we recall naming Owen "Villages aren't as large as" Townes as the Associate Cheese! Oddly enough, we saw Mr. Townes tampering with the large water tank on the top of our building. He left behind canisters marked "Brainwash Serum 101," which, though ambiguously, implicates him! The joke is on Sir Owen, though, as that particular tower leads into the President's office (which explains a lot).
<|| WE'VE GOT THE ONE...THE BIG ONE
In an unprecedented use of bribery, the likes of which have not been seen since current STF President Mike "Good thing my screenname is booby-traPped" Bourdaa entered office, SNNHN was able to schedule an interview with the founding father of the Starfleet News Network, Genesun "Call me Skippy" Han. Here, he takes the time to talk about matters important to him...like when he eats out.
1. Can I call you "Dadoo"?
Sure, I suppose so. What exactly is a Dadoo anyway? Is it some swing related term?
2. You're on a desert island, surrounded by savages, with no weapons and a paper straw wrapper. What do you do, what do you do?
Throw the paper straw wrapper into the ocean. I'm not going to give those bastards kindling for the me-stew.
3. I say STF Personnel Director Greg "Mmm..bacon..." Hertzsch. You say...
How DO you pronounce "Hertzsch"?
4. What's with "Larimda ME"?
When I joined STF (before it became STF) everybody started as Captain, and by next Friday were Fleet Captain. So I chose "Larimda" as a way to satirize the rank inflation. Plus, I when I became Admiral Larimda ME, it looked pretty cool.
5. How often do you...you know...go out to eat?
Every tuesday, at 8PM.
6. Think of as many acronyms as you can that begin with "Y".
Y2K, YMCA, YM/WHA (Young Men's/Women's Hebrew Association ... I grew up in NYC)
7. A gaggle of geese. A crash of rhinos. A pride of lions. What's a good collective name for SNN staff members?
I'd suppose "corps" would be my suggestion, although "jets" or "sharks" are close runner-ups.
8. If you could be any kind of aircraft, what would it be?
I think it's a DC-11 ... whatever that twin engine turboprop plane you see them using so much on the A-Team is ... you know, the one that always has engine trouble, they have to bail out, build a tank from a lawnmower and some toothbrushes, and save the kid and his young mother, all before the MP's arrive.
9. Is it beginning to look a lot like Christmas?
Too much so.
10.Who is your favorite Super Friend, and why?
Gleek. Because he could mop the floor with Wendy, Martin, and WonderDog (quite literally, he's always carrying a mop somehow).
<|| PLEASE REMAIN STANDING UNTIL THE RIDE HAS COME TO A GRINDING HALT
Or is that sitting? Well, if anyone IS killed, at least it won't be our fault. SNN Headline News No. II17 isn't held liable for anything that happens on its grounds! Keep in mind that our attacks on people aren't personal, and if you are offended, you can take it up with the Editor-in-Chief Mike "That In-Box is as high as an elephant's eye!" Cathcart. Our attacks on people are based completely on how they present themselves on the WeBB or P$, or even IRC. Keep your guard on, people, or prepare to become fodder for ridicule.
By the way, we stand true (false?) to our secondhand Journalistic Motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF events. Set your phasers to disruption next week when SNN Associate Editor and WeBBSights Contestant Coordinator Larry "The 19th president was" Garfield enters the ring, only to have his ear bitten off by a hungry Mike "Tastes like...orange juice?" Ballway. The fight of the century, right here in the next "SNN Headline News"!
(C) 1998 The Ford Prefect Co, Chicago
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