<|| SNN HEADLINE NEWS ||>
Vol. II No. 18
"Now who's got the Trix?"
<|| OUR TOP STORY
Since news is scarce in STF these days (and we were out for a while), we decided to update viewers about some current situations.
Seamus "McFly" Hughes was sighted on P$ earlier this week. STF agents were alerted to his presence after the USS Victorious was reported afflicted with low, nagging backache.
Greg "Hertzsch's Revenge" Hertzsch returned from being AWOL in Florida earlier this week. He is rumored to have met with Fidel Castro to devise a plan for building a better Cheeri-o(R).
<|| "AYE ON THE WEBB" SCOOPS US LIKE A BOX OF RAISIN BRAN
We were warned by Larry "'WeBBSights' helmsman" Garfield that if we didn't publish his interview before Seamus did, we'd be sorry.
Well, we're sorry.
Not heeding the warning of Professor Garfield, we were mortified when Larry's interview with *the competition* appeared in "Aye" 5 [members.tripod.com/ayewebb/5.html]. Needless to say, we were stunned, and so now we've decided to check our files for the Garfield interview...and publish it now, before Seamus can do any more damage.
1. Is it acid into water or water into acid?
Depends. Do you want to get high? Then it's acid into water, becuase it will blow you up.
2. That answered, how does one treat acid burns, then?
If I like ther person, I call a doctor and let them do it. If I hate the person, lots of hydrogen peroxide. <eg>
3. If you could be any dictator from history, who would you be?
Napoleon. If he had stayed in France, he would be remembered as the greatest leader in European history. He rebuilt France into a power without killing half his population.
4. If I said, "There's a huge leech on your head," you'd say...
"That's OK, I'm charging him $100 an ounce."
5. Has it been true in your experience that "it ain't over 'till the fat lady sings"?
No, it ain't over until the well fed female sings. Even then it keeps going for a few hours.
6. If you could get Seamus into a room with stabbing weapons, what would you do?
Tie him up and tickle him to death with a katana.
7. In a no-holds-barred cage match, who would win, Gerald Ford or Jimmy Carter?
Draw. Ford would fall down on his own and Carter would negotiate his way out over night.
8. Would you, could in a house? Would you, could you with a mouse?
I will not eat green eggs and ham. They're probably mouldy.
9. Have you driven a Ford...lately?
I've never driven a Ford... ever!
10. Who is your favorite Super Friend and why?
I... Don't know. There are... So many of... Them. I would have to say... Superman. Two words: Laser vision.
<|| ESTE ES EL TERMINO
Try and say THAT in the #star-fleet chat room and you'll find yourself kicked out by a certain IRC co-founder (kidding!) [Note: after this edition was complete, the co-founder was made IDir and head of the IRC division.]
Try and say that in SNN Headline News II18, and we'll pat you on the back and strap a bomb to your head. Say that in the next edition, where by the way we'll have a prelude to the super-hip ultra-cool Halloween Issue, a new interview, and an explanation of the election laws: how does one suck up properly to the election coordinator?, and we'll inform you that the preceeding chunk of text is called an "appositive" -- additional information added between two commas.
Lest we forget, we're legally obligated to inform viewers (readers?) of our partially hydrogenated Journalistic Motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF events. Now that our legal obligations have been fulfilled, we'll see you next week.
(C) 1998 The Ford Prefect Co, Chicago
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