<|| SNN HEADLINE NEWS ||>
Vol. II            No. 19


"I vant to suck your blood!"

<|| OUR TOP STORY
In keeping vith a tradition set by STNG so many years ago, STF vill host a Halloween Party on the VeBB -- the first of its kind on the VeBB. Vhile the McParty may have been spectacular, expect this to be tvice that! And now, the Halloveen-oriented News:

<|| CHRIS HEALEY BARES ALL (IS THAT SCARY ENOUGH?)
SNN Headline News delves where no one dares -- or wants -- to go; into the mind of IRC co-founder Chris "I'll put a Band-Aid on that, then it will" Healey. As Mr. Healey is a native of the right side of the Atlantic (assuming you're looking at a Robinson or Mercator projection), SNNHN tried three times to start an interview. Here, we decided to ask nagging questions we had about everyone's favorite European island -- and we're not talking about Sicily.

1. What's with the metric system, anyway?
CH: That is the British way of giving up the outmoded imerial system that we sold to the Americans and allowing ourselves to be assimilated by the rest of Europe. We are kind of half and half in Britain: We drink pints, travel miles, but get hot in Celsius.

2. Do you despise Prince William?
CH: Prince William is a really nice guy who has everything, looks, charm, being a prince, money. Yes he is annoying, but I don't dispise him.

3. Have you ever been to a tavern with a one-eyed barman?
CH: I have been to many taverns, bars, pubs, and clubs. But I have never seen a one-eyed barman. Then again I have been too drunk to notice...

4. We call you "Brits." What do you call us?
CH: We call you BASTARDS... Nah just kidding, we call you 'Yanks.'

5. How do you play cricket?
CH: Hmm, you throw a really hard ball at someone and try and knock over some wooden sticks. I think it is a bit like baseball, only the people run back and forth instead of round a circle. It is a tedious and pointless game.

6. In a no-holds-barred cage match, who would win: Winston Churchill or Margaret Thatcher?
CH: Well I think I would have to award the match to Mrs Thatcher, on the basis she is no longer sound of mind, and also, she is still alive.
[Let's pretend (we like to pretend!) that Churchill is alive and in the shape he was in...about 1940's.]
CH: OK... Then in that case Churchill is a big fat man and I dare say he was capable of kicking ten kinds of crap out of people. Then again, I think they would really like one another and go for a nice cup of tea. We don't have cage matches here ;)

7. Do you think Prince Charles could fly away with his ears?
CH: As an audiologist I would have to advise against such action. Altough I do live and work near his house in Tetbury, Gloucestershire.

8. Could Oasis take over the country?
CH: Oasis are a bunch of annoying talentless em... people. I hate them and hate their music and I think they should be sent to Iraq and blown up. (Was that a bit strong?!? Okay some of their songs are okay. It is a shame about their attitude.)

9. Do you want Robin Leech back?
CH: Well I have no clue who that is, so I don't know if he could be back or not.

10. Who is your favorite Super Friend and why?
[You've probably never seen "Super Friends" -- it's based on a variety of comic book characters -- a really badly made 70's cartoon, where superheroes like Batman, Superman, Flash, etc. get together to solve crime as the "Super Friends"]
CH: Sorry no
[So pick a superhero, and tell me why (surely you know the superheroes availible)]
CH: Sorry I don't have one. Super heros get on my nerves.
[Superman? Batman? Wonder Woman? Guy Gardener?]
CH: No I hate them all
[Green Lantern? The Wonder Twins? Robin? Hawk Man? Aqua Man? Radioactive Man?]
CH: Still hating them all...
[He-Man? Nightwing? (scraping the bottom of the barrel)]
CH: And still hating them...
[How about villains?]
CH: Nah, they always lose
[So who is your hero?]
CH: I have no hero, at least I can't think of one right now
[So, who do you want to be when you grow up?]
CH: Oh I know, we'll say James Bond. Just for the American audience!
I want to be me, but taller, much richer, and better looking...like maybe Mathew Perry

<|| IT VAS A GRAVEYARD SMASH!
Thanks to all of the strange and spooky characters that chose to enter the deep, dark world of SNN Headline News no. 19! Next time on the SNNHN, ve vill examine the likes of another STFer that out-and-out refuses our calls for an interview. For those of you who couldn't understand most of the edition, phoenetic w's were replaced by v's, in the tradition of everyone's favorite Romanian prince-turned-living dead. And, as vith every edition, ve are true to our (school?) reconstituted Journalistic Motto of "Q[v]ick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF events. Goodnight, and good blood!

(C) 1998 The Ford Prefect Co, Chicago

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