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WILL WORK FOR HEADLINES |
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Halloween Party Begins; Theme Draws Anger from Chipmunks
As per the ongoing STF party schedule, summer begins the McParty, Fall commences with the Halloween Party, and we know the death knells of winter when the Christmas Party makes its mark. This being fall (unless you're coming to us from Australia, where it's spring) we put two and four together to come up with Halloween Party!
The theme of this year's Fear Fest is "Come as your favorite FComm, past and present." Sources al cerca de Headline News tell us that Mike B's are fashionable, as Mike "Ball? No way!" Ballway is presumed to be coming as himself, and STF President Mike "No more fleet order jokes! Woo hoo!" Bourdaa will masquerade as Mike "Barcbutt®" Barclay. Also throwing himself into the Mike Mix is Headline News' own Mark "At least it starts with 'M'" Wilson, who is invisible in his costume of Mike "Maybe you can help us solve this mystery" Cathcart.
There is some brand of contest for a best costume, but as our researchers are out to lunch, we couldn't tell you what the information is. Check WeBBSights for details.
Note: References to Mike Barclay as "Barcbutt" are ©1998 SNN Update and Zygweebil Mufasa Productions, Ltd.
Martin Luther Hughes Tacks Seven Theses to President's Head; Dad Unamused
In what can only be called a blow to history, "Aye on the WeBB" publisher and USS Constellation XO Seamus "Dollars and Incense" Hughes has published his list of seven greivances towards the nameless, pointless folks at Central HQ. Among his demands, that "Starfleet Command" be changed back to Central HQ; Command Area becomes OOC Lounge; That OOC Lounge be reinstated; That someone end Fleet 3's fleetwide sim; that all games of "kick da Seamus" are suspended until a Fleet 7 is commissioned; that the SNNHN Grand Poobah is shot (there's a letter comin' your way, Hughes!); that Mikes Ballway and Barclay change their last names.
Suffice to say, this list was not treated with any more respect than if anyone else wrote it, which means STF President Mike "Mmm...potassium dichromate..." Bourdaa wiped his nose on it and threw it away. Several platoons of angry kangaroos are looking into what made Hughes prepare this history-infringing list. More vacuum cleaner hoses as they become availiable.
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IN THE BRIEFS |
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Back on the Fleetwide OOC...forever!
In a story that some would call narcissistic, and others would call vain, SNN Headline News spotlights itself for the second time in a row. Some of you readers out there in reader-land expressed pain and suffering at the thought of Headline News leaving the Fleetwide OOC. Fear not, campers, as your faithful Grand Poobah has just signed an order requiring SNNHN to remain in the OOC as long as it (the OOC) exists. To those cynical types who would say we second-guessed ourselves, we say, "You're right!"
Riker Has a Five O'Clock Shadow (or is that 1700 hours shadow?)
If you go to see the new film Star Trek Nemesis (at least that's what they're calling it this week), you might be inclined to have a surprise. For the first time in ten years, Riker has shaved. Yes, Jonathan Frakes took it upon himself to set his phaser to "close and comfortable" thereby adding a pinch of interest to an otherwise hype-less film.
Election Has Some Stunned; Others Show Disruption Effects
In Reality News, U.S. elections on 3 November heralded a stout problem for devout Republicans throughout STF: your number's up!
People like Colin "Nixon" Wyers, Mike "Lincoln" Ballway, and Larry "Garfield" Garfield were probably disheartened at seeing democrats creep up on republicans in Congress and bash them on the heads. STF President Mike "T. Roosevelt" Bourdaa was not present during this foul beating, as he cared for neither side hitting each other and was content to knock off a 7-11. [Note: Bourdaa's nickname is a tip of the hat to Roosevelt's Bull Moose Party, a third party in the 1912 elections. Some STFers may not know that Bourdaa himself subscribes to the Libertarian party, considered to be a third party. If you don't get it by now, just walk away and have a cantaloupe.]
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I LIKE POPCORN |
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H. Simon Gregory
As the fall season draws to a midpoint, I'd like to reminisce about the fun-fun silly-willy things that have happened over the past couple of months. For starters, I found my pants. I took awhile, but eventually I discovered that they had been left in my water heater by an uncaring sales representative. And to think that for three whole weeks I came to work with no pants! Not like anyone would notice, since the Starfleet News Network prohibits the wearing of pants; I manage to sneak them in every now and then, though.
Cars run on gasoline. It's a fact, even though I ran mine with liquid nitrogen for an entire month. It's a good thing I remembered the clutch, or I would have had shattered engine pieces all over the freeway! Boy, would I have looked silly then! As I recall, it was Larry "OK, so the 20th president was" Garfield who told me to fill my tank with liquid nitrogen. I'll have to have a word with him.
Donuts are a valuable tool, even when you least suspect it. Why, just yesterday I fended off a mugger outside my house with a glazed donut. Sprinkles are equally deadly, if used incorrectly -- they have the potential to destroy lives, and in the process make things yummy and delicious. Did I bring up the subject of cream filling? It's like mace, the stuff is! Throw it at someone and they become completely helpless! You can bet I'll be going to Dunkin' Donuts instead of the local gunshop for my lethal firearms.
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ONE OF THE PRESIDENT'S MEN |
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A Visit from the Associate Consul
If you're like me, you want to know more about STF's Vice-President. He's a shadowy character that doesn't get much press, and his name is Owen...what? Randy who? You can't be serious! And we've been saying that this whole time? Anyway, valued customers, sit down while we try and find out who the Co-Cheddar is. Have some ham!
1. Got change for a dollar?
RM: Actually, yes.
2. Got a place I can bury a body -- no questions asked?
RM: Nope. Fraid not. They're already occupied.
3. I say "Willy Davis," you say...
RM: Kill Izzy.
4. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. What if the Romans come to you?
RM: If the Romans came to me, then I'd get them to join STF.....on second thought...maybe not...
5. Let's say the Romans are in Greece on a vacation. Then what happens?
RM: Well, off hand, I'd say you'd corner the Greek food and olive oil market and make a killing.
6. In a no-holds barred cage match, who would win: Dear Abby or Ann Landers?
RM: Dear Abby via a folding chair. No doubt.
7. You once served as President of STF. Describe the type of carpeting in the Prez's office.
RM: Originally, the carpeting was leftover shag from the 60s. After my administation, however it was replaced due to Maalox stains.
8. "He who laughs last laughs best." Has this been true in your experience?
RM: No, "He who laughs last winds up with fist in mouth." has been my experience. I think Confucious said that.
9. Did you ever wonder whose job it is to make sure all the bristles on a toothbrush aren't bent?
RM: No, not really. Now that you mention it, however, I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight. D'OH!
10.Who is your favorite Super Friend?
RM: Marvin. I always voted for the wimpy types.
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ADVERT SECTION |
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We're Still Waiting
Over the course of several seconds, we recieved no ADVERTS from absolutely anyone. Don't you people like capitalism? Or do you want to resort to communism, instead? We'll turn this into a "Letter to the Editor" section, and don't think we won't do it, either.
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ENTER THE ENDING |
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No, say "Good journey." Ah, screw it, say "Goodbye"
If you recognized the former quote from the movie Masters of the Universe, you're in the same sad, sorry boat we are. Not only do we not have any life, we collected He-Man action figures long ago, and have lost them all since. On a high note (which is relatively low), you might recognize Friends' Courtney Cox and Voyager's Robert Duncan McNeill in starring roles in Masters of the Universe. Frank Langella and Dolph Lundgren starred as Skeletor and He-Man, respectively.
By now you're wondering where this is all going. It's heading in the direction that "we have the power!" to say that our proxied Journalistic Motto is still "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events. A helpful reminder to all of you: don't switch the alarm off after you wake up and decide you'll lie there for a little while, because you won't -- you'll wake up an hour later only to discover you missed the bus.
Next week on SNN Headline News: fun with H. Simon Gregory, and a tennis lesson from FComm-5 and Titania CO Nathan "If you call it 'Elite' I'll rip your holographic lungs out!" Miller. This is Mark Wilson, Grand Poobah, saying "Good fight, good night!"
