| ||
|
|
|
|
|
| ||
|
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
SURPLUS! SURPLUS! STF SCANDAL! |
|
Scandal Discovered in Higher Levels of STF; English Language Blamed, Flogged
Dateline, 9 November 1998. STF President Mike "Call me Owen" Bourdaa uses his power to sniff at the #star-fleet AOP list. He discovers that all is not right, that there are quite a few names on the list. "Look here," he says to Former IDir Chris "Sit! Stay!" Healey, "this Autokick list is getting quite large. Let's limit the number of SOPs in here to you, me, and the Vice PREMsident."
Acting on this advice, our ever-faithful IDir typed a message to Mr. McCullick, but forgot what Bourdaa said. So, he made up his own decree -- that Bourdaa didn't want him (Randy) to be an SOP (SuperOp) but that he (Chris) would make him (Randy) one (SOP) anyway.
GMDir Deanne "And so it begins" Morgan woke up one morning later on, and discovered that her name was wrenched from the SOP list. Contacting Healey, she discovered, to her horror, that she was now a lowly AOP, and that, according to Hoyle (or Healey?), the Vice PREMsident retained his SOP (and his water) because of his rank.
Steaming like a vegetable, Morgan slapped President Bourdaa several times, insisting that this was wrong, wrong, wrong! In a fit of partially hydrogenated witlessness, Bourdaa told Morgan that the Cheese and Co-Dictator should have OP status in the aforementioned room.
Morgan calls Healey. Healey feels threatened, as though the decision as to whether or not to give the Associate Colby Jack unquestionable authority could be the difference between his staying IDir or becoming...gasp...AIDir! Though in reality (what is reality?...) there was no threat.
Then, the aforementioned Morgan rang up McCullick on the E-mail-O-phone and discovered that he wouldn't return her calls. McCullick did the same, and as the line between them had been cut by a gremlin, (Seamus? JOKE!) neither could contact the other and both assumed they were seeing other Veeps and GMDirs.
So Morgan arbitrarily brought in SNN Associate Editor Larry "Flynt" Garfield to arbitrate the matter. Larry managed to get the Feuding Family of Morgan and McCullick to discover that neither one was at fault, and that they had misinterpreted Bourdaa's order for an order and not the order that it really was; also misinterpreting Healey's suggestion of McCullick for SOP. Generally, it was as though everyone but Morgan and McCullick were speaking Spanish (but of course, that's forbidden in #star-fleet. We all know that!)
Crisis Continues, Someone Found Playing with the E-mail Servers
The stage was set for an all-out war in STF's Patrician class "Who's Who" E-mail list, commonly called the "Command List". Healey wrote, in a letter (no, in a number!), that he was going to resign his many posts in STF due to the immaturity that was afflicting it (is this a new thing?). Morgan and "Aye on the WeBB" handy-man Seamus "I'll have a little more, thank you" Hughes threatened to throw down their commbadges and walk out the self-opening doors if something wasn't done.
Fearing a peasant revolt, Garfield (remember him?) organized an emergency meeting (or, shall we call it, "secret society seance") in the invisible IRC chat room #STF-IRC. The issues were: Issue 1) whether or not Healey was in error when giving his stories to Morgan and McCullick, Issue 2) whether or not he lied, and
Issue 3) whether or not to allot $1.3 million to local public schools.
All members in attendance (except Hughes) voted to pass the school levy. Hughes complained, "Damn those kids and their consumable spelling books!"
But we digress (and we digress often!) -- Healey was discovered, in the deep jungles of Elbonia, and made aware of the situation. He read the logs of the first meeting of the Midnight Society and guffawed as no one has guffawed before! Another consp...er, meeting was called, and the folks there discussed Healey's rebuttal to the first Conference. Garfield made a faux paux and allowed Healey to write an angry, spiteful, non-punctuated letter to everyone in The Loop. The "WeBBSights" Man discovered his General Protection Fault too late...Healey's letter was up, and it wasn't pretty. Reportedly, McCullick and Morgan were mad enough to spit gamma-welded titanium frame members.
Others tried to right the wrongs that had been made, but Morgan was once again nearing the "Send" button of her letter of resignation. Eventually, she was coaxed down from the roof of Central HQ (we Mean "Command") and decided to stay. Bourdaa, too, made the jump from his transport at the last minute to keep with STF for the rest of his term, but His Royal Highness' Matched Luggage was lost.
The Great Jell-O Conflict Called Bloodiest Since STF-P$
It began so innocently on 15 November, when Vice-PREMsident (we're using that joke way too much) Randy "Taylor" McCullick, quote, "[picked] up a big glob of his patented Turquoise Jello and [chucked] it at Mark[,]" unquote. From that point on, the factions formed. On the Red side was SNNHN Grand Poobah Mark "Jell-O" Wilson. On the opposite end of the dessert tray, Blue was commanded by none other than his arch rival, Mike "Jello" Ballway. Following Ballway were SNNHN Associate Editor Larry "Hagman" Garfield, Trinitron CO Seamus "McFly" Hughes, depressed aAFComm-2 Mark "Small-and-Brahms" Longanbach, and all-around lacidasical Fleet 2 wannabe Jim "Headweak" Armstrong. In the spin-off category, we have Chris "One kind of dog is a" Poyner in the so-so Crimson Fleet, and Veep Randy "In England, it's different" McCullick sporting his pithy Turquoise monicker. Not only conventional colors joined in the battle, though. STF Personnel Director Greg "Craig? Crag!" Hertzsch reprised his Mr. Hankey Brown Fleet. (It's operating on a don't-ask don't-tell policy). Bill "The Titania Man" Gunty also joined the Purple Fleet, a mutant faction greated when someone (we're looking at you, Poyner!) flung red food coloring at Blue Jell-O Commandos.
Oddly enough, part way through the battle, McCullick's "Team Teal" joined to form Robo-Cosby, a seemingly indestructible Zord that crushed the Reds.
The turning point, though, was not the destruction of Red's Death Star. It was when the Blue Fleet enlisted the help of God to destroy the Reds. Suffice to say, Red lost.
Subsequent Jell-O War Crimes Trial Finds Blue the Victor
Some members of Team Red weren't happy with the outcome of The Great STF Jell-O Conflict, so they took their battle to the legal arena. Gladiators were forced into an ampitheatre to be devoured by rabid lawyers...er, no, this isn't what happened...YET...
SNN Associate Editor Mark "R" Wilson, acted as counsel for the Red side, while SNN Executive Editor Michael "J" Ballway defended Blue's ideals. All seemed well until The Sisko was brought to the stand. It was recognized that The Sisko, revered by Ballway and founder of Siskoism, aided the Blue Jell-O faction in its win; just how Sisko helped was disputed. Wilson alleged that Sisko used his powers to MAKE Red falter, which would have been grand-scale cheating. Ballway contended that Sisko used his powers only to aid the Blue Jell-O in its rise to glory.
All this happened under the sleepy eye of Judge Linus "Whopper, er, Whopner" Lindblad. When the former left, the latter (which we will mention now, thus making him the latter by the end of the sentence) -- FComm-6 Colin "I've can't believe it's not communism" Wyers. Wyers ruled fairly and justly, even after Wilson left the proceedings to find his ham sandwich and Former STF Veal-Patty Owen "Villages are smaller than" Townes assumed the position (of counsel! Of counsel!).
|
TWO SECTIONS? AND THIS LONG? |
|
Read This Disclaimer
The far above question has to be the one you're asking yourself. Either that or "I could get the less confusing version of the scandal at "WeBBSights". True, you could, but where else in the galaxy can you find a can of Beans and Franks? Hmmm?
[This edition of SNNHN on the web was so long, we had to shrink the type -- so the issue isn't very long if you read it with the condensed type, but would be huge without it.]
Certainly those of you who were insulted above won't take it personally, as we live to insult people equally. In fact, the Starfleet News Network is an Equal Opportunity Insulter, so don't worry -- you're gettin' it as much as everyone else. Why, even SNN EIC Mike " - " Cathcart has been hurt, and he isn't even here!
Getting to the point, we'd like to mention right about HERE that we subscribe to a manually-transmitted motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events. Are the quotes in the wrong place? Tell us, we'd like to know.
Join us next time when we'll break another promise (remember how we told you we'd have FComm-5 Nate "DLYPSTR" Miller? Well, we just used "1984"-style tactics to erase any trace of the fact that we said we would! So put that in your Ministry of Truth and smoke it!
