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FORSOOTH! THOU ART HEADLINES! |
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Skeletons in STF's Closet Moderate This Week's Issue
Though they have left STF, and haven't come back for awhile, the sick minds at SNN thought it would be humorous to resurrect the ghosts of Former STF President Jim "Go Bruins!" Midyette and Former STF Dictator Benito "David" Platt. Together these two, firmly separated from one another, will go about talking about events of the week. Current members of STF will be interjected as needed, and of course, it will not be them who speaks, but we at SNN, as though this were some bizarre marionette show. Enjoy!
USS Asimov Sends Flying Monkeys Out; Kidnaps Crew Members
In this case, the Wicked Witch would have to be USS Asimov CO Andy "Zibbster" Zbikowski. Running rampant and screaming through the Fleetwide OOC, he annoyed countless dozens with his messages prasing the Asimov and asking people to join. The new ship, a friend of Fleet 4 (or 3) was commissioned not too long ago, and was long for crewmembers. Among those that DID respond to the hypnosis, er, recruiting, were XO Pierre "Gary" Trudeau, CE Lt. jg Sazik (with no last name, we're powerless! Augh!) and CSO Lt. Kirsten "Now, let's move the bridge to my bathroom" Lee.
COMMENTARY FROM THE COMMENTATORS:
Happy Birthday, Mr. Felts
An STFer from way back when we didn't have cool Fleet pages, Mr. Felts will be celebrating the day of his birth (hence "birthday") with his enemies on the USS Kestrel. We'd like to wish him well on this, his 353rd. Though the shortness of this article would seem to construe its placement below, we thought we'd put it up here just for fun. Are we having fun yet?
FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY:
IT'S NOT
"MICRONEWS"
Once Again, We Have to Whip the Copy Editor
Unfortunately, Headline News has made a grievous error that may result in it gaining credibility (our worst nightmare). In our last issue (II22 for the memory-impaired), we referred to FComm-5 Larry "This is my brother Spock, this is my other brother Spock" Garfield as an Associate Editor at SNN Headline News. What the hell were we thinking? Mr. Garfield is an Associate Editor with SNN, not SNNHN. We're sorry for any inconvenience this might have caused, and pay our sincerest apologies to Professor Johann Hatzenschweiler, who first discovered this mistake. Now you're saying, "The length of this article would construe that it belongs in headlines!" Wrong again, bucko; we do things OUR way around here.
AND NOW, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS:
Hughes Finds Nirvana, Discovers He'd Rather Be With Nine Inch Nails
He's not fighting a psychological war between the late Kurt Cobain and the on-time Trent Reznor for control of his mind (though we'd pay to see that), but rather publishing Aye no. 6. The Trinitron CO has made numerous references to the fact that "Headlines" section writer Andrew "Andy" Zbikowski could be ousted from the staff if his headlines didn't shape up.
ONCE AGAIN, FROM THE COMMENTATORS:
www.star-fleet.com: This Week's Puzzler
The Number One Sign You Spend Too Much Time in #star-fleet:
You say "www.star-fleet.com" when you begin sentences!
But that's not the puzzler, that's us losing track of our little gray cells. This week's puzzler comes to us from Gul Radek of the Obsidian Order (ooh, shouldn't have said that). He writes, "Dear Starfleet Slime Publication [that's us]: Could your pithy readers answer the following riddle, knowing full well that they as humans haven't the cranial capacity nor the reptillian make-up to do it? BAH! I think not."
Mr. Radek ranted and raved for thirteen more paragraphs, but never did mention the puzzler. Sources far from Headline News tell us he ran out of isolinear optical chips, went to his local Best Buy, but forgot the mail-in rebate and to go back home to get it. Upon returning home, he found some spare optical chips, but they were Macintosh formatted. His computer core crashed, and apparently he never got around to the riddle. Oh well.
AND NOW, BACK TO OUR SHOW:
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WARNING: Software must be registered within 30 days of purchase, or else system will crash and warp core will breach. Quite an incentive to send in the card, eh?
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EGRESS |
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There's a Sucker Born Every Minute
That figure must be greatly inflated if one is to count SNNHN readership. Thanks once again to the spirits of Former STF Limburger David "Hyde Pierce" Platt and Nine-Time USS Ares Golden Gloves Champ Jim "Armstrong" Midyette. As a side note, sure we could've been more clever with the political satire, but we weren't here to see either of them, so there.
Aquí is where we mention offhand that our partially digested Journalistic Motto is "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events.
Join us next time when we promise we'll have Nathan Miller, FComm-5 and expert drink-mixer, on hand (like you'll ever trust us again), and maybe we can squeeze a column out of someone from STF Cent...er, "Starfleet Command." Good luck, and don't view that Star Wars trailer with RealPlayer. Blech!
