Vol. II	"¡Feliz año nuevo!"	No. 26

LAS BUENAS TITULARES

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Hughes Está en Agua Caliente, Garfield Gestiona la Estufa

After Aye on the WeBB published its issue no. 7, which stole its format from WeBBSights, certain people were humored [humoured], and others were not.  FComm-6 and WeBBSights editor Larry "Odie and" Garfield gave Hughes a lengthy lecture and asked for his resignation.  Responses to this shocking request ranged from "WTF?" (Chris "I always swear in acronyms" Poyner) to "Spoon!" (The "What kind of first name is 'The'?" Tick).  Hughes summarily dismissed himself, but we have high apple-pie-in-the-sky hopes that he returns to the club whence he came.
[Headline News has generally deviated from the spelling of WeBBSights as WeBBSights, as the editors claim.  Note that since this message is italicized, this mean the italicization of WeBBSights is different than it would normally be.  Normally, now, the "WeBB" would be unitalicized and the "Sights" would be italicized.  Note to self: never, ever write these editor's notes ever again. --Ed.]

Cosas Qué Nos Decimos Son Incorectos

It would appear that, despite rumors to the contrary, AFComm-6 and inventor of croquet Seamus "The Next Dukakais" Hughes has not retired from STF.  Even if he has, he's rejoined.  Why is this worthy of headline status?  Stop badging us, you insipid fools!

Nuevo Periódico Nos Conturba

FComm-6 and purported co-designer of the Combine Harvester Colin "I guess that makes us 'Consumer Reports'" Wyers recently violated a precedent followed by MOST members of STF.  This being, "Don't mess with SNN."  But since he is a radical (and a Republican, too!  Zowie!) Wyers has forcefully forced upon STF that which is "IveSTFiya," a periodical with a name so bizarre that even our best employees (coincidentally, also our worst employees) couldn't crack the code.  Currently, FComm-5 Nathan "Mmm...fresh AWOLs" Miller is working on the case because we felt he deserved mention in this issue.

Ashton y Morgan a Atar Udos

Her Majesty's Subject Steve "Good thing I bought a last name, I was gettin' scared, there" Ashton and GMDir Deanne "Fine, I'll run on the republican ticket for 2000!" Morgan have recently announced that they are going to tie knots.  Yes, the two have been hired at a local factory where their sole job will...what?  Like I said, tie knots.  Huh?  Tie the knot?  Why didn't someone say so?  Now I sound like a total moron!

Ashton y Morgan a Atar el Udo

In a completely unrelated story, yada yada Ashton and dum dee dum Morgan are engaged to be married.  A ceremony for the two took place on Crell earlier this week, presided over by Larry "Cardinal" Garfield of the Church of Sisko.  Garfield later admitted that a contract required the couple to practice Siskoism for the rest of their lives or burn in the depths of Hell for ever and ever.  At last check, Garfield wasn't completely out of the water, either...

Las Noticias de Flota Uno

Fleet 1, Prodigy's "Displaced Fleet," has recieved little or no acknowledgement from its WeBB cousins.  This could be due in part to its alienated nature, or the fact that the WeBB uses a brand of stardate unknown to us (YYMMD.D).
Currently, the USS Ark Angel is, it seems, is stalled right now, in the middle of a Borg encounter as CO and FComm-1 Cdre. Dennis "Master bedroom" Hannigan and newly appointed XO Kevin "Pardon my zinger" Blomseth order things neatly and tidily (new word!  Woo hoo!)
The USS Victorious remains the most active ship in the fleet, as its very witty and handsome CO (we forget his name at this time) and his kind-of-witty, handsome-in-a-manly-way XO Owen "Sure, now I'll take a promotion to XO!" Townes lead the ship to Starbase 212 for Fleet Transfer (months ago) and try to stop former CE Townes' peasant uprising in engineering.

LAS NOTICIAS PEQUEÑAS

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Colin Wyers No Es Muy Popular (¿Fue Él Alguna Vez?)

The USS Montgomery sim seemed like it was going well, until GM Colin "If Q can do it, why can't I?" Wyers professed his omnipotence.  The former Mr. Sol System tore the Monty in two, and has now been plagued by some brand of uprising (not dissimilar to the Vicky's recent one).

STF Tiene Aprensiones Sobre la Problema de Y2K

As far as Headline News is concerned, STF is just fine with this Y2K problem.  If STF Personnel Director Greg "Amanda Hugginkiss!" Hertzsch can afford to maintain www.star-fleet.com, surely he can get SimCity 2000 for each member of...what?  Like I said, Y2K.  Hmm?  SC2K!  Then what's Y2K?  The last digit is 00?  Oh my God, we're all gonna die!  Form an enraged mob!  Augh!

SNNHN Pierde a "La Cebolla: La Venera de Noticias Más Excelente en el Mundo"

After eight months of the Hertzsch administration, Mike "Schlemiel" Bourdaa, founder of STC and father of Seamus Hughes, was named Chancellor of STF.  When asked whether or not he was seeking re-election, Bourdaa slugged our reporter and made off with his Ray-Ban sunglasses.

¿PUEDO TOMAR PRESTADO UN SENTIMIENTO?

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H. Simon Gregory

I find that the holidays are a very stressful time of year, especially for my family.  My brother-in-law, Terrance, escaped from prison recently and came to live with us.  It was hard every time the cops came around, trying to hide him from justice while we stood around like frightened chickadees.  He's moved on, though, so we don't have to worry anymore.
I recieved a new computer for Christmas.  A Cray XMP, I believe.  My sister (she splurges on everything) asked what kind I might want.  I said, "Just something I can use to predict weather and calculate variables in the space shuttle launch."  I was joking, but she probably didn't understand.  She's completely immune to sarcasm.  I think I'll keep it, just to predict the weather.
My son-in-law bought for me a Red Ryder 200-shot carbine action range-model air rifle.  I said I had only wanted that when I was 9, and had grown up.  I didn't tell him to take it back, though.
So, this is why I detest Christmas!  Getting presents I don't want, more presents I want, and a couple I don't want!  Call me greedy, do you?  Well, buster, you have no idea how right you are.

EN LA SILLA CALIENTE

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Brandon Goodin, Nuevo Hombre a STF

Nice.  Cool.  Human.
Two of those three words describe one of STF's newest IRC faces (you pick the two <g>), among a sea of newcomers like Froston "Not the snowman, you moron!" Back and Jason "Chagrin" Hills. Headline News got a chance to talk with Mr. G...er, Brandon, about many things, but mostly we bantered and chatted.

1.  Are you, or have you ever been, a socialist?
No, I like to talk, but I enjoy peace and quiet

2.  Can I call you "dadoo"?
What does it mean?

3.  If you could be any kind of waterfowl, what would you be?
Mallard?

4.  You're alone and your wallet is stolen.  All your cash is gone.  What do you do, what DO you do?
Where am I at?  Report it missing to the police.

5.  Which is the better weapon -- a spoon or a coffee mug?
Coffee mug - you can throw it at another person.

6.  Say, those are nice shoes.
What shoes, I don't have any - I'm barefooted

7.  In a no-holds barred battle to the death, who would win -- Mr. Spock or Cmdr. Riker?
Spock...the death grip or whatever it's called.

8.  Does your bologna have a first name, too?
No
[A last name?]
How about Oscar Meyer??

9.  Are you good enough?  Smart enough?  Dogonnit, do people like you?
I'm not the best; I pretty smart; people LOVE me!

10. Who is your favorite SuperFriend and why?
Batman. He is an ordinary guy.

LA PARTE DE ANUNCIANDO

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¡Ser una Persona Importante en Flota Dos!

Looking for more money?  Sure, we all are!  But if you feel you're an important person and deserve a chance to become a dash-1 or counselor, then head on over to the pariah of Fleet 2 (which, by Fleet 2 standards is pretty good), the USS Constellation.  A Trafalgar-class tactical destroyer, the Connie boasts an assortment of rather standard features.  Its biggest claim to fame is having 80% of the Starfleet News Network on board!  Yessir, with CO Mike "Es mi nombre favorito" Ballway, XO Nigel "Es realmente Mark Wilson en aquí" Fitzburn, CE Larry "¿Quién dice que estoy en este buque?" Garfield, and GM Deanne "Siempre estoy al término" Morgan.
This letter is in fact addressed to Genesun "¡Saben quién soy!  Es tiempo para la píldora de cianuro!" Han.  Join the Connie.  Please!  Then we'll be able to boast the first ship in STF that is patronized (don't patronize me!) by all 100% of SNN writers!  C'mon, we'll give you a shiny new nickel!

ALUBIAS, ALUBIAS, LA FRUTA MUSICAL

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Abandonaremos Solo Esa Canta

We at SNN Headline News hope you thought highly of this, our Spanish Headline and QuoteGag™ edition.  And if you didn't, we really don't care.  In fact, we don't even want to hear from you.  So just stay quiet and read the rest of this.  It's only a few more paragraphs.  We remain the positive form of "false" to our rejuvinated and revitalized credo of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events.
It was the first one of '99, and we're proud of it, but this coffee is leaving a bitter taste in our mouths, so we'll be brief (yes, all eight of us).  SNN Headline News resolves, in 1999, to be even faster, more informative, and biased the likes of which have not been seen since SNN Update!  (Or possibly WeBBSights no. 11).