Vol. II	"All play and no work makes Jack a member of Fleet 2"	No. 27

 

HEADLINES...SNN HEADLINES

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News from the Front!

In a revalation as shocking as it is expected, Prodigy announced this week that its Classic service (the one that houses STF Fleet 1) will be discontinued in October 1999.  This means, fellow WeBBers, that in ten months' time, STF will be found exclusively on the WeBB, and there will finally be six fleets on the WeBB (maybe seven, by then.)
STF Carbunckle Mike "Jump 'n' jivin'" Bourdaa announced at the same time a possible merger with AT and GAMM, flailing Star Trek RPGs found on the Star Trek BB.  The PreMHBsident is calling together a "temporary State department" to advise him on matters concerning mergers with other clubs.
In the meantime, Yellow Wonder Bourdaa and STF Director of Personality Greg "Yes, I do enjoy meatloaf!" Hertzsch do not think, despite our opinion to the contrary, that the issue of handling mergers will be an important one in the upcoming elections.  The specifics of the agreement are still being hammered out by our crack team of goldsmiths into a nice, flat sheet.  Headline News will keep you (yes, you!) posted on this story as it condenses.

Newest Presidential Edict Will Make You Cringe and Be Merry!

In what can only be the second or third edict of his entire administration, STF Kaiser Mike "That's 'Sanitary Engineer'" Bourdaa announced some dusting changes to STF's command, none of which were the least bit understandable (figure out that sentence!)
Among the things stated by alleged President Bourdaa were: former GMDir Deanne "Cole" Morgan would take an LOA until 30 January, and has resigned her GMDir obligations.  Our competitor in crime, Colin "Cutter" Wyers was appointed the new GMDir effective right now!
Former VPREM Randy "Where oh where has the Cabinet-head gone?" McCullick was declared AWOL and the job of EDir was remanded to FComm-4 Larry "Down with homework!" Garfield.  Much to the chagrin of several people (now mysteriously disappeared), FComm-2 and former Mr. Illinois Mike "I am the otter, er, walrus" Ballway was appointed to the position of Vice Co-Chairman.
But wait, there's more!  Former FComm-5 B.J. "P&BJ" Phillips came back from a long LOA to find that he had been handed COship of the USS Andorian.  Says Bourdaa, "I believe that covers everything, for now."  His comment seemed both mysterious and ambiguous at the same time...experts say it heralds doom for STF.

Jell-O: Insurrection

The stage has been set.  The Dramatis Personæ prepared for their entrance.  The third Jell-O Crusade is now at hand.  As usual, SNN Executive Editor Mike "Allegorically speaking, I'm the Catholic Pope" Ballway will, futilely, man his station as leader of the so-called "Blue Jello [sic]" while yours truly (Mark "Allegorically speaking, I'm Martin Luther" Wilson) battles it out with his boss (ooh...this'll hurt the paycheck).
We aren't alone, though.  This time, Israel "Izzy" Harris has devised a new Purple Jell-O order (correct spelling and everything!) and seems to want his name and accomplishment in print.  In fact, Harris is leading the way to a new Jell-O where Purple is the king (but no single Jell-O can control all of STF).
I, though, have called for a massive merge of resources to battle the deadly Red onslaught.  It cannot be done alone, and the Mutlijellular future we seek depends on a collaboration.  To arms! in the fleetwide OOC!

Bob Spurlin Calls For Public Stoning of WeBBSights

Reponding to a WeBBSights article where STF's only serious WeBB-news-electro-zine shook its finger in rage at Aye on the WeBB.  The story, written in blood (or Red Jell-O) by WeBBSights Executive Editor Mike "Thank you, Governor Evidence" Ballway, told the story of one man's attempt at humor -- and another's admitted overreaction.  Even though it isn't policy to promote the competition, we think those of you left in the dark about it should beam in to WeBBSights 19 and see what all the fuss is about.  But, incidentally, it is believed that no copies of the infamous Aye on the WeBB #7 exist...and all copies on this reporter's hard drive have myteriously vanished.

Voyager To Lose Captain; Dignity (Ooh, lost the latter already...)

Expect to see less and less of Captain Janeway on the ever-flailing Star Trek Voyager.  Sources in the vicinity of SNN Headline News tell us that Kate "Mulgrows" Mulgrew is expected to bow out of the show at  the end of the fifth season.  Mulgew cited several factors that contributed to her decision, among them a loss of quality time with the kids, and an allusion to the fact that she thought she was being upstaged by Jeri "I shop at Troi-R-Us" Ryan's Seven of Nine.  Paramount Pictures (remember them?) reassured die-hard Trekkers that Mulgrew was bound by a contract through the sixth season, and that they would see what they could do -- but can you really trust TV executives?

 

< MACRONEWS

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Mike Ballway Returns Home; Rearranges Furniture

After several months of absence from his old kicking-grounds at SNN Center, FComm-2 and Executive Editor Mike "Watch me run STF like so many Phelps wannabes!  Muwahahaha!" Ballway returned this week with a new mission: to write for us.
In an email as startling as it is electronic, the Chief Propagandist announced privately that he would write for SNN Headline News -- specifically, interviews!  Ballway says he feels left out, having never done an interview, and rather than devote an entirely new publication to interviews, he decided to leech off of us!
[Note: By the time this issue was completed and delivered involuntarily to STF newsstands, FComm-2 and Constellation CO Mike "Always a bridesmaid, never an ensign" Ballway was back at Holy Cross College with his friends Netscape Communicator and LAN.]

Mike Barclay Dares to Show His Face

Former AFcomm-2 and ratings booster for SNN Update Mike "Barcbutt™" Barclay appeared this week in the #star-fleet "official" IRC chat room.  He stayed briefly, though, to let us know that he was alive and well (though won't be able to boast as much when Mike Ballway is through with him).

Mike Bourdaa Returns to STF

Though it's far from news, it completes the "Mike B. cycle" that ensnares STF every now and then (and in alphabetical order, no less!).  If only club founder Mike "Pine" Bertsch would come back, we could have some real fun!  But yes, President Mike "Where did I put my hydrolase?" Bourdaa has returned from a week on LOA...not much more to report from this angle.  Go on, scroll down already!

 

I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!

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H. Simon Gregory

Space.  The final frontier.  These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.  Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations; to boldly go where no one has gone before...

Espacio.  La ultima frontera.  Estos son los viajes del buque de las estrellas Enterprise.  Su misión continuando: a explorar nuevos mundos extraños, a buscar nueva vida y nuevos civilizacións; a ir aduazamente dónde nádie ha ido antes...

Space.  The ultimate unprotected border.  These are the traversements of the interstellar vessel Enterprise.  Its perpetual journey: to quest for as-yet-unknown biological entities and undiscovered products of creativity or ingenuity as layed out by a distinct species; to daringly venture where no person has yet ventured...

Spas.  Thu finul frunteer!  Theez iz thu voiujis uv the starshpip Entirpriz.  It's cuntinyouing mishun; (to explor stranj nu wirldzes): two seek out nu lif 'n' nu civilizashuns--too bodily go wear knowbuddy's gon beefore...

As-pay.  Ee-thay inal-fay untier-fray.  Ese-thay are-ay e-thay oyages-vay of-ay e-thay arship-stay Enterprise-ay.  Its-ay ontinuing-cay ission-may: o-tay explore-ay ange-stray ew-nay orlds-way, o-tay eek-say out-ay ew-nay ife-lay and-ay ew-nay ivilizations-cay; o-tay oldly-bay o-gay ere-whay o-nay one-ay as-hay one-gay efore-bay...

 

IN THE WARM SITTING DEVICE

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B.J. Phillips -- Back in the Game

He was an original member of the WeBB.  FComm-5.  Psychic to the stars.  Now, he's Cap'n B.J. Phillips, CO of the Andorian.  What's more perplexing, he likes SNN Headline News.  We attribute it to his medication intake.  Read the interview, then decide. And yes, we are aware that two of the so-called "questions" are really statements, so don't try and write in!

1.  Do you know what a stollated tetrahedron is?
Hmmm... something in the shape of John Stoll?

2. Stop taking my pens!
But they're so decorative and flavorful!

3.  In a no-holds-barred battle to the death, who would win: Barbara Walters or Jane Pauley?
(Heh, I don't have a witty answer for this one!) Barbara Walters, I believe. *Starts to sweat*

4.  Can I borrow a feeling?
Sure... I have plenty to give...except love... you can't have that =).

5. The better weapon -- Christmas tree or curling iron?
Christmas tree... those needles can drive you nuts. The star hurts a lot too.

6.  Can you keep a secret?
Of course! unless it's a secret that demeans Seamus Hughes.

7. Seamus is...is...my father!
Gasp! have you been seeing psychiatrist regularly?

8. Fleet 7 -- dream or hallucination?
Seamus's dream, everyone else's nightmarish hallucination.

9. What is your plan to overthrow STF?
I shall coat the entire club with a thick chocolate sauce and threaten to devour everything unless I'm given ultimate control!!!

10. Who is your favorite Superfriend and why?
Ehhh...Batman, 'cause he's the only one I know of.

 

ADVERT SECTION

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From Czar Mike "I Like My Toes" Bourdaa

STF is in need of an Election Commissioner to run the February Presidental Elections (aka Massive Governmental Upheaval).
Send your application to prez@star-fleet.com.

Include a statement of what you feel the most important attributes in the EC's job are, and how you will be able to accomplish
these ends.

The Election Commissioner of STF:

1. Registers all candidates for President who have been duly nominated and seconded.
2. Empowered to sanction or (in extreme cases) disqualify a candidate for breaking the campaign rules.
3. Counts the votes, and announces the final winner.
4. Runs any public Presidental debates, either on the message board, or in other forums, and (if done in another forum, i.e.
    IRC) archives the debates so that they can be easily read by any interested voter.
5. Promotes the existence of the election, and its importance.

Campaign rules include: No mudslinging, no mass e-mail advertizing, and no personal attacks.

Attention, James Speck!

We here at SNN Headline News would like to know a little something about you.  You're FComm-3, but other than that, who is the real James Speck?  Do you exist, or are you a psuedonym for FComm-6 Colin "Downed" Wyers?  If you exist, and want to make your name public, address an email to mwilson32@hotmail.com and we'll send you an interview for issue 28.  Thank you, and make the Fleet 3 pull-down menus a teensy bit smaller. <g>

 

THERE'S NARY AN ANIMAL ALIVE

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That Can Outrun a Greased Scotsman!

And so it ends, another jolly episode of SNN Headline News 27.  And here I am, in Mentor, Ohio with a whopping six (count 'em!) six total snow days!  Despite the fact that all this snow still has to be shoveled or blown, it's still a good thing!  This issue is also a good thing, bringing to light election matters (two weeks) and the newest developments in what could be the Third Jell-O Crusade.
As always, we swear on the reputation of Bob Packwood that our motto should not, will not, and probably won't, deviate from its current slightly off-color "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events.
Join us next time, won't you? when our guests will be: from Washington, Orrin Hatch; prominent game show host Alex Trebek; the musical stylings of Frank Sinatra; and emperor of Rome from 46-44 B.C., Julius "Gaius" Caesar.
I've just been informed we can't afford any of the aforementioned names, and indeed two of them are dead!  It appears that only Alex Trebek and Julius Caesar remain living!  We'll arrive at more conclusions next time on SNN Headline News.