Presidential Debates Held; Later Dropped

#STF-DEBATE-- Normally, it isn't the policy of Headline News to throw a dateline into the mix.  This, we feel, deserves--nay-- demands a dateline!  It was 12 February 1999 at 2100 hrs. EST (0400 hrs. GMT) that the debates were held, and held they were!  Despite our usual cynicism about everything, Headline News congratulates the father-and-son team of Mike "Blemished" Bourdaa and Seamus "Fuse" Hughes for maintaining professionalism and preventing the candidates from killing each other (most of the time).
Much of the Q&A debate was spent squabbling over matters of the past, such as AOPs in #star-fleet, and why Alan "Cottons" Felts is too young to be Vice-Co-Chaircheese.  Other questions concerned former President Gerald "Greg Hertzsch" Ford's term; having been the only candidate to have served before, Greg opened himself to criticism (we remind you that at least one-quarter of the verbs in this sentence have been in the perfect tense).
The real fun occurred when the candidates were given lances and armor, and placed on hors...no, that is completely wrong.  Sorry, folks.  They were not given armor as previously stated.  They were also endowed with the mighty +v which allowed them to hurl insults like mudballs at the other candidates during the free-debate session.  To summarize this mind-numbing paragraph, the free-debate session began.  Next paragraph.
"Sarsparilla" Spurlin, without a dictionary, queried the candidates on the word "leadership." All gave definitions that allowed Spurlin to continue writing his manifesto. "Lawrecnium" Longanbach, upset after nearly being gunned down as he dropped a package off at a Starfleet post office, asked what Prezzez-to-be would do about disgruntled members. Both "Heretical" Hertzsch and "Saucy" Spurlin agreed that the employee, er, member, should be given a fair judgement before he is committed to Fleet 2.

All in all, this reporter was disappointed with the debates. The questions, such as they were, were typical of questions that have been asked of the candidates in #star-fleet, before the debates. The president's job is mainly one of keeping things running, and each President cannot drastically alter the way he (or she) does things. Indeed, the most a president can do is alphabetize his stack of papers differently.

In regards to attacks on the candidates themselves (ah, the reason for my being a journalist ), they all seemed wishy-washy. All were willing to do the liberal thing and talk problems out, even in the wake of disgruntled members. Not one wanted to be harsh, demanding, conservative ("Whiskey" Wyers was not present -- mystery explained). These candidates need to be tougher...every one of them. We don't mean that they should fight each other to the death (though that would be entertaining), we mean that they should take a definite stance on an issue. With that, I alienate everyone in the election.

Longanbach indicates change in IDir; Current IDir Frightened

While commenting on other canidates' comments in the #star-fleet room (the anteroom to the #stf-debate fest of fun), Longanbach made a cryptic comment about changing the IDir if he was elected. An anonymous donation in the amount of one million space-bucks was sent to Longanbach-Gunty campaign headquarters. The check was signed "Mr. X," but the address in the upper left bore the name "Jeremy Friedman." Investigators are wondering what exactly this means, and a cackle of crows has been called in to analyze hair samples found on the check.

Seamus Hughes Resurrected; Scientists Find Out He Was Only Asleep

Since December of 1998 (the 10th month to those of you operating under the Gregorian calendar) STF has been without irrelevant and poorly spelled news, the Day the Seamus Quit.  Certain conflicts occurred between Hughes and other members of STF (though we won't hit the gory details; this is a fun story), and AFComm-6 Seamus "The best part of being EC...is doctoring the election results! [Sung to the tune of the Folgers coffee theme -- Ed.]" Hughes gave up the periodical business.
Recently, and still more recently (therefore, recently, still) the AFComm-6 has popped his beady little eyes into the so-called "WeBBpaper" arena, dominated by WeBBSights, SNN Headline News, and various other titles.  Suffice to say, PUN (Plumber's United Network) is one of the worst periodicals reviewed to date by Headline News culture correspondent Lawrence MacPherson Riles, who describes it as "...shameful to the eyes of those who behold it.  Indeed, one may very well need to cleanse his eyes out with a plentiful helping of lye."  When asked what "lye" was, Riles refused to comment, and instead smoked a pipe.  It was clear that his contempt for PUN was there, and to a greater extent, did indeed exist.

Another Renegade Periodical Pops Up; Begs Question "W.W.B.D?"

Since the closing of SNN Update's doors low these many six months, several noteable STFers have taken the opportunity to throw their quarter into the STF media ring.  Suffice to say, none have been very sucessful...yet.
The first and most obvious challenger to Update was a quaint, almost frugal, nearly shabby publication known in media parallelograms as Aye on the WeBB (onlookers were quick to discern the difference between media parallelograms and media trapezoids).  Aye, published and spell-checked (or not?) by AFComm-6 Seamus "EC" Hughes,  folded in December 1998, due to complications in its last edition.  The second person to dare challenge reigning media giant SNN was FComm-6 Colin "That's my hair, don't wear it out" Wyers.  His device, IveSTFiya, was believed by protégés and observant carpoolers to be a one-time-only event (much to the despair of us at SNN Center).  The next-most recent challenger was a revival of an old trade name, Plumber's United Network.  One of the three "official" STF media companies, PUN no. 1 was refabricated by former Aye publisher Seamus "The beard says it all" Hughes.
And the latest, most complete, and treasonous example of treason in STF to date is the recently released The Tangled WeBB We Weave, which obviously stole a good 20% of its name from WeBBSights and the aforementioned Aye on the WeBB.  Published by renegade Aye writer and Academy comendant Jim "Gnortsmra" Armstrong, the periodical advertises itself as the first Candian-published STF WeBBpaper.  We'll see about that.
Yes, the acronym in the headline stands for "What Would Ballway Do?" not meaning to imply that the Executive Editor is the Savior of the Christian religion, though he has been known to resurrect the dead.

Is Knowing That There's a Headline News Right Around the Corner!

Yes, here it is, the second in our series of election editions, specially formulated by political analysts everywhere to make sure you get your maximum daily allowance of political nonsense, with a little news thrown in for fun.  Tune in next week for Part 3 of the continuing saga of "A Midwinter Day's Nightmare: STF Elections '99."  We might also like to add that the election process begins in two days.  SNN Headline News will provide you with the election results first (or at the very worst, second).  Now, we need only get a sizeable bribe, er, contribution together.
As always, we swear on the Cask of Amontillado that SNN Headline News will remain true to its buried alive motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events.  And if you hear knocking in the walls, that's the motto too.  (What Fortunado?) In our next edition: an interview with both "Lilliputian" Longanbach and "Gory" Gunty, who will explain why they are running and where their socks are. Good night, and good fishing.

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