Vol. II	"Why is everybody always pickin' on me?"	No. 30

 

JUDGEMENT WEEK CONTINUES

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Polls Open in STF; Outbreaks of Rhumatoid Arthritis Reported

IN CASE YOU'VE BEEN UNDER A ROCK FOR THE PAST MONTH, or were unable, due to hermit life, to find out, here is the scoop.  The polls have opened.  That's right, now you can finally cast your vote for the person you would most like to see become President of STF.  Follow these procedures to properly exercise your democratic duty:

1. Address the e-mail to Vote99@star-fleet.com
2. Indicate in the subject line who you would like to vote for (Hertzsch-Felts, Longanbach-Gunty, Spurlin-Wyers)
3. In the body of the message, name your highest-ranking character and their ship
4. Click the "send" button

 

INSULTING THE CANDIDATES

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Spurlin-Wyers Recieves the SNN Vote

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE AND SERAPH CO BOB SPURLIN RECIEVED STILL MORE ENDORSEMENTS THIS WEEK,.having such influential and sought-after names like SNN Executive Editor Mike "Historian to the Stars" Ballway and SNN Associate Editor Larry "Cannonized?  No, the Bible isn't a projectile weapon!" Garfield offering their votes to the Spurlin/Wyers cause.  Also plugging the aforementioned Gruesome Twosome were STF Ex-President-to-Be Mike "At last, I can write the great American ad jingle" Bourdaa, and FComm-5 Deanne "Tracy" Morgan.  Keep in mind that these endorsements may not constitute a regular cross-section of STF, as all of the above mentioned people are rather irregular.

Felts Employs Hertzsch-Felts Voters

IN WHAT CAN ONLY BE CALLED THE MOST BLATANT EXAMPLE OF ELECTION FRAUD SINCE REAGAN'S SECOND TERM, VP Candidate Alan "Rayons" Felts was found employing voters to vote on the Hertzsch ticket.  When confronted with these allegations, Felts insisted it was a typo; that he meant to say "implore."  This all came too late, though, as Felts was handcuffed and flogged in the town square by Election Coordinator Seamus "Can I borrow the car?" Hughes.  Currently, Felts is locked up at STF State Penitentiary on Apocalypse pending trial.  Bond is set at twenty-six hogs and a set of monster truck tires.

 

BACK TO REALITY

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Ginger Johnson

AT THE REQUEST OF GINGER "MAGIC" JOHNSON, her name has been placed in this edition for all to see.  Then there's the $25 advertisement fee.  How about it?

Ballway Promoted to Admiral; We Lose Our Parking Space

IT IS PERHAPS MORE OVERDUE THAN THE ARTICLES OF ORGANIZATION, something that should have happened a long time ago.  Finally, on stardate 9918.02 (99021.8), in what he called "the final edict of [his] term," STF Schlemielsident Mike "I'm going to Mexico" Bourdaa bestowed upon FComm-2, SNN Executive Editor, and Heir to the Throne of Prussia Mike "The other Mike" Ballway the rank of Admiral, with all the rights and none of the responsibilities thereof.  Congratulations, Ballway, you're SNN Headline News' Man of the Week!

Wyers Publishes Again; Shames Republican Name

WHAT ONLOOKERS ASSUMED WAS A ONE-SHOT STAB-IN-THE-VACUUM OF SPACE DEAL HAS TURNED OUT TO BE EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE.  FComm-6 and VP candidate Colin "French Fried Potadahs" Wyers has published another of his arsenal, irrationally titled IveSTFiya, and based on his and Owen Townes' rantings and ravings.  Since a copy of the periodical was not [read: was] available for review, Headline News could not [could] obtain one and chronicle it here [in this location].  Consequently, we have been forced to make blatant stereotypes about the "WeBBpaper" in question.  One of these days, we'll actually get around to reading it.

Mulgrew Will Stay; Fans, Producers Thrilled

LONG LONG AGO, in an issue pretty close to this one, Headline News reported about Star Trek Voyager's Kate Mulgrew leaving the show.  This information was not false as you suspected, but has now been superseded.  In a move that shocked Voyager crybaby Garrett Wang (Harry "This naivete is all an act, really" Kim), Mulgrew has made amends with the producers and will remain with the show. She was slated to leave as soon as the end of this season, but apparently had a change of heart after meeting with Paramount brainwashers.

 

IN THE CHAIR (THE HOT ONE)

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Longanbach-Gunty Get Interview in Time of Crisis

IF YOU'VE BEEN KEEPING UP WITH WEBBSIGHTS OR PUN, then you are aware that all of the candidates have been granted interviews with them.  We preferred to sit back in the shade, and let the interviews come to us.  It was "Lepellier" Longanbach and "Gaggle" Gunty, who, through Longanbach, requested an interview.  Were we stunned, and a little mortified, but sent out questions and recieved the answers promptly el proximo día.

First at bat, the interview with the man who has been the butt of so many jokes about composers and adjectives for size.  He's been called "Titania sympathizer" and "Spoon!", mostly by us.  He's Mark "Lloyd" Longanbach, who is now twice a candidate for STF Pepsodent.  Now, he details his plans for the presidency, and we'll tell you that we corrected the spelling of the word "definitely" no less than five times.

1. Can you drive a manual transmission?
    Well that really does depend.  Can I?  Yes.  Legally?  No.

2. Who would make a good addition to the cabinet if the "Department of the Secret Police" was organized?
    Wait, you mean it wasn't organized already?  Hmmm, I'd have to say Seamus, definitely.  Maybe Colin <g>.

3. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
    Not really.

4. Do you feel that STF is plagued by "hit-and-run" members, who join at a dash-X level and leave shortly thereafter, bored with not being an integral part of the action?  If so, how would you alleviate this?
    Okay, I don't think that is really the reason.  Its a combination of things I think, or maybe just one of these things.  First off, if a person comes onto a ship at dash...let's say 3 or even 4 nowadays, that person sees a whole bunch of members already there RPGing and not enough stuff for him to do.  But it could also be that he doesn't even know how to look at messages, or he doesn't know how to post or even RPG, I've seen that a lot.  A few ways to [alleviate] this.  One, the training ship, which I think is a great idea, and I think we'll see more on the training ship as time goes by.  Another way, more ships for a smaller crew, and more things to do.  That's where the merging of Fleet 1 and eventually Fleet 7 comes in.  That will be discussed hopefully tommorow in the HQ/OOC area in one of my speeches, for anyone interested.

5. What's your favorite flavor of candy cane?
    Those green ones.

6. Is it true that the only thing holding back Fleet 7 is a lack of qualified potential commanders?
    A. I never heard that in the first place, B. I don't have acess to the XO/CO list, and C. I can think of a few good qualified potential commanders.

7. What's your shoe size?
    17

8. Has STF become more about politics than RPGing?  Do you feel that it's always been this way?
    STF is definitely more about RPGing, and it always will be.  If it were to ever be more about politics, then what's the point of even posting on ships anymore?  I think that it's always been this way.  Even though I have exposed myself to STF politics more, I still feel that RPGing is the main aspect of STF, and always will be, otherwise what are we here for?

9. In a no-holds-barred battle to the death, who would win: King Henry VIII of England, or King Louis XIV (the Sun King) of France?
    What is this, history class?  Okay, first off Louis wasn't a very wise leader.  A capable one, but not wise, he had his advisers do all the work.  He was also very religous, and I don't think he could put up a very good fight.  Henry on the other hand, Mr. "Off with her head!" himself, would definitely win, becuase of his short temper and fond love of axes <g>.

10.Who is your favorite SuperFriend and why?
    If by superfriend you mean superhero, Superman definitely.  So what if there's kryptonite, he has a cool suit to protect him from it and he always wins anyway.  If it wasn't about superheroes, please correct me.

ALONG WITH CANDIDATES "LISTERINE" LONGANBACH AND "SUPERFLUOUS SPURLIN, V.P. Canidate Bill "William" Gunty is a Titania sympathizer.  Despite reality troubles, Gunty remains a strong Veep canidiate and sent us an interview response.  Now, here he is, with more presidential thoughts and an agreement with "Lemon-lime" Longanbach on the Henry VIII-Louis XIV grudge match.

1. Can you drive a manual transmission?
    Not yet...I'm still working on automatic.  I got my permit a month ago.

2. Who would make a good addition to the cabinet if the "Department of the Secret Police" was organized?
    That depends.  Would I be on it? <G>

3. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
    I can stick out my tongue and touch my nose, but I can't touch my nose with my tongue.

4. Do you feel that STF is plagued by "hit-and-run" members, who join at a dash-X level and leave shortly thereafter, bored with not being an integral part of the action?  If so, how would you alleviate this?
    Yes I do believe that that is a problem facing STF today.  The Academy can help to get rid of this problem, as well as expanding so that ships aren't as crowded.

5. What's your favorite flavor of candy cane?
    Peppermint.

6. Is it true that the only thing holding back Fleet 7 is a lack of qualified potential commanders?
    I don't know.  I don't believe so, but that's up to Mike Bourdaa currently.

7. What's your shoe size?
    10 mens.

8. Has STF become more about politics than RPGing?  Do you feel that it's always been this way?
    STF is more about RPGing, I have been in STF for less than a year but during that time it stayed that way, and I don't want it to change.

9. In a no-holds-barred battle to the death, who would win: King Henry VIII of England, or King Louis XIV (the Sun King) of France?
    King Louis would have to stick his neck out to even attempt to win. <g>

10.Who is your favorite SuperFriend and why?
    Q because he's omnipotent and he has an attitude.

 

SO IT GOES

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Another Edition Bites the Dust

PART 3 OF THE 4 PART ELECTION '99 SAGA HAS COME TO A CLOSE, having reminded us of the dangers of having run for public office.  Next week, we had planned on another interview with famous persons who had involved themselves with the elections, such as: Mike "Numbers" Bourdaa, Seamus "Elderly-faced" Hughes, and Alan "The Enforcer" Felts.  Because he have missed it, Headline News will have wished you a Happy Valentine's Day before the end of this sentence: Happy Valentine's Day!
Having said that, it has been our duty to have sworn on the Metamucil of Mick Jagger our desalinized motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events.  This Motto has been applicable only in the lower 48 United States, as well as all other countries of the world.  Looks like Alaska and Hawaii have been left out again (we're kidding, Alan...Alaska has been included <g>).
When we return next week, we will have brought you the latest campaigning information, as well as the numbers from the elections (we have planned to strike a deal with EC Hughes which would have granted Headline News and WeBBSights first glance at the winner).  Suffice to have said it, you will have to have read a while before deciphering the cryptic comments that will have lead you to the answer.  We have been enjoying the perfect tense, what about you?