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| EL NUEVO PRESIDENTE |
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Spurlin Voted In; It's a Dark Day for the Libertarians
ONCE AGAIN, democracy has been put to the test, and it has worked, startlingly. In a close race that pitted "Sinnead O" Spurlin, "Hiawatha" Hertzsch and "Lucrative" Longanbach against each other in a circus of doublethink and very long OOC messages, only one has come out on top.
That's right folks, say hello to the Spurlin administration. Thanks to many an endorsement by such noted celebrities as FComm-4 Larry "Genghis Khan" Garfield, Admiral Mike "Admiral Mike" Ballway, and STF President Mike "Yes, take the china and the silverware" Bourdaa. Behind Spurlin (47.2%) in the polls were PDir Greg "I'll swear when I damn well please" Hertzsch (38.9%), and AFComm-2 Mark "It wouldn't be ethical to go on a homidical rampage" Longanbach (13.9%).
It's only a matter of time before Cheese-elect Spurlin will be officially crowned Winsleydale of STF at a ceremony in Westminster Abbey. Come one, come all! And, incidentally, SNN Crell correspondent Lance Eddington has written a lovely election piece in our cousin publication, WeBBSights. Just head to http://www.star-fleet.com/snn/ws/latest.html and you can have your fill of election know-how from our least favorite journalist.
Eight, Eight, Eight Months of Bourdaa
AH, THEY GROW UP SO FAST. One minute they're FComm-3, the next they're President of STF. That's the Mike Bourdaa story, from rags to riches -- his term has been called by many as one of the most prosperous in the history of STF. And who could blame him? Membership jumped from dozens to 200 during his eight months in the Executive Washroom, and some have put him up there with former President Jim "The Big Cheese" Midyette as the most prolific in history. Bourdaa's policies were much more organizational, versus Greg "The Ripe Cheese" Hertzsch's policies of expansion into the WeBB. Only those with the ability to see into the future know what the future holds; the rest of us will have to rely on the past.
| POST-ELECTION ANALYSIS |
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H. Simon Gregory
STARFLEET ASYLUM DELTA-5, RIGEL IV -- NOW THAT ELECTION SEASON IS OVER (FOR THIS EIGHT MONTHS, ANYWAY), let's all compare this election to the last one. Certainly the entire election was WeBB-based; perhaps the only STFer that was not on the WeBB was law student and FComm-1 Dennis "Dining Room" Hannigan. This makes this election unlike last year's, where the balance was semi-equal, though much more favorable towards the Prodigy side. In fact, I'll bet that a sizeable portion of Prodigy members (there were enough back then to have a sizable portion) did not vote for Longanbach for the simple reason that he did not advertise on Prodigy, and many of the Proprietites (yes, even Associate Editor Mark "Why are you so obsessed with my intriguing closet of mystery?" Wilson) had no idea Longanbach was running. He made himself known this time, though. Ooh, I have to leave now, warden's coming by...checking for anything that's not allowed here. That includes computers ("we're not allowed to read newspapers; they angry up the blood"), so I'll join all of you in my next column (or when I escape. If the latter is the case, I'm heading to Colin Wyers's house).
| 3...2...1...HEADLINES! |
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Temporary Treaty Declared in Jell-O War '99
YES, IT'S OFFICIAL. The newest phase of the formerly gelatin-only battle was begun last week (officially) by AFComm-1 Mark "Not the iodine!" Wilson, though it was truly begun, which is to say it was begun in earnest, by such notable figures as Israel "Oman" Harris, FComm-4 Larry "This is my brother Daryl, this is my other brother Daryl" Garfield, and FComm-2 and Blue Jello [sic] pontiff Mike "Admiral Mike" Ballway.
There was quite a bit of disturbance, though, created by non-gelatin desserts in the OOC. Yes, what was formerly a gelatin-only battle has been turned into a travesty, a hideous shadow of a Jell-O War, due to such factions as those of Cheesecake, Lemon Creme Cookies, and Milk. The Cheescake faction split off from Jell-O several months ago when Bob "The present participle of 'to spurl' is" Spurlin[g] announced that he didn't care for Jell-O. Fine enough. Then, though, Ginger "Don" Johnson and a batallion of previously unknown females organized a haphazard sect known as Lemon Creme Cookies. To add injury to insult, Anthony "Butch" Carter, known far and not so far as the greatest dairy farmer since Anthony "Butch" Carter [Sentence taken from WeBBSights. --Ed.], completed the twisting of the rusty nail in the open wound when he too chartered the "Milk" league of foodstuffs.
Jell-O representatives, including Larry "Keep watching the skis -- I mean skies" Garfield for the Blue, Mark "Batman's a scientist" Wilson for the Red, and Israel "Qatar" Harris for the Purple, met to discuss a temporary treaty designed to skim the grime out of the war (the grime being all non-Jell-O foodstuffs). After such time as all bastardized desserts have been eliminated, says Garfield, the truce will be broken and a true Jell-O War will be fought. Later, Pope Mike "Admiral Mike" of the First Church of Sisko issued an order proclaiming a united Jell-O front against non-Jell-O sustenance. See this space for details.
Gene Siskel (1946-1999)
We'll miss you, Gene. Your thumb, too.
The John Stewart Report
EVER SINCE HE TOOK OVER THE DAILY SHOW IN 1999, fans of the popular news-satire were aghast. His delivery was all wrong, his jokes unfunny, and he excommunicated "5 Questions"! Though this seemed to be stopping short of some kind of capital crime, we patiently waited for Stewart to become funnier, perhaps as funny as his protégé, Craig Kilborn.
SNN Headline News is pleased to announce that Jon Stewart is now as funny as Craig Kilborn. In the broadcast of 24 February, Stewart was discussing the "Tinky-Winky" ordeal (nothing further, that's all you need to know). He mentioned that the Rev. Jerry Falwell endorsed the idea of "Jesusy-Weesusy," a blue Tele-Tubby that writhes in pain and agony on a cross. This of course is not true, but the joke was hysterical. Now if only he would bring back "5 Questions," we would be happy as zebra mussels.
| 11 QUESTIONS |
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Adam Steiner: Philosopher, Captain, Man of La Mancha
YOU KNOW HIM AS FORMER VICTORIOUS CO ADAM STEINER. We know him as all of the above, as well as fellow STNGian, another historian of an era long past. Enough of that, though. Even as we speak, he plots to take the Victorious away from the hands of its dashing and debonaire captain. Will you let that happen? No, the downfall of Prodigy will do that for us. In the meantime, learn the secrets of Adam Steiner the man, the millionaire playboy, the popular advertising logo.
1. You're in the middle of the Sahara desert. No, food, no water. But you do have a G.I. Joe action figure...
ADS: The old GI Joe, not the new one, right?2. We need Chinese food. Chinese food makes us strong. Can you help us be strong?SNN: Sure.
ADS: Had me scared there for a second. They always got where they wanted to go within the half hour, so I'd send him to go get me his buddies and bring food and water
ADS: No.3. Why did you come back to STF?
| THE END OF AN ERA |
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Don't Worry, the Era Begins Again With the Next Edition
STF '99 WINTER ELECTIONS HAVE COME TO A CLOSE, but you too can still enjoy the fun and excitement at [ ], where you'll find all kinds of neat election and debate information. If you're like us, though, you can't wait to see the elections end, primarily because it takes an absurd amount of time to get through the OOC with all kinds of election nonsense going on. But to answer your question, yes we do hire paperboys at the price of £6 per hour, with an 8 shilling raise for good behavior and no bomb threats within a fortnight.
Considering the paragraph above (the edition summary paragraph) is completed, we can only assume that this one is the motto paragraph, the place where we display prominently our prominent Journalistic Motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events.
Ah, finally, the third (next edition preview) paragraph, the home of unfulfilled dreams and nightmarish nightmares. Ah, well, at least the nightmares won't be as bad without an election edition in the future. The balance is made up, though, with the possibility of a theme edition as a reward for paying attention during this time of crisis that seems to come around once every 4(3 - 1) months. Be here next week (or the week immediately preceeding the week that is two weeks in the future) for the next confusing, distorted, and "spoon!" episode of SNN Headline News.
Published SD 9901.03 (99030.1)
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