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| THE NEWS OF OUR LIVES |
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Spurlin Inaugurated; Bourdaa Uses Washroom One Last Time
IT'S OFFICIAL NOW. At 1952 hrs. EST (0052 hrs. GMT) on SD 9902.03 (99030.2), Election Coordinator Seamus "This gravy is awfully lumpy" Hughes officially inaugurated Bob "Sasquatch" Spurlin as STF's 15th (legitimate) President. Yes, from this point forward Spurlin will be addressed by one of the many clever sobriquets we give to him.
At the same time (which is to say, simultaneously) former FComm-6 Colin "But I wanted the red one!" Wyers was inducted into the much shabbier Vice-President's Hall of Fame, joining the likes of...hmm...well, there were quite a few Vice Presidents and we're sure they were lovely people. To quote Sideshow Bob, "Your conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!" We couldn't agree more (expect letters about this).
Edict no. 1 Begins Long String of Pain
IN WHAT SOME WOULD CALL HIS FIRST EDICT (AND OTHERS WOULD CALL HIS SECOND-TO-ZERO EDICT),.newly elected STF Chief Lolligagger Bob "Whirlin'" Spurlin announced his new cabinet for the 1999 croquet season. Among those kept on Team Spurlin were Greg "No brakes! No brakes!" Hertzsch as PDir, and Deanne "Smorgas" Morgan as temporary GMDir. Newly replaced cabinet positions were the Department of the Co-Consul (that's Colin "Make mine a quadruple" Wyers), as well as EDir (that's Wyers, too). Former STF President Mike "Cast off your boats...er, chains" Bourdaa was named IDir (like anyone was surprised), and soon-to-be Mr. Deanne Morgan (Steve "Who needs a foot when I've got a meter" Ashton) replaced Jim "Humerus-Dense" Armstrong as Academy Comendant.
Regarding Fleet positions, only one change was made: Seamus "Lexicographer to the stars" Hughes was enstated as FComm-6. At first, we at SNN Headline News were outraged; soon, though, we learned to live with this choice (but not before we realized that we couldn't disarm the bomb under Hughes's car). Dennis "Cellar" Hannigan was kept as FComm-1 and Water Boy, Mike "Arcway" Ballway made the team as FComm-2 and Equipment Manager, James "Particle" Speck kept his office as FComm-3 and Chimney Sweep, Larry Garfield was retained as FComm-4 and Officiator of Larry Garfield, and the soon-to-be Mrs. Deanne Morgan (Deanne "Blood gutter" Morgan) was retained as FComm-5. If you find part or all of this offensive, see the Edict at Command Area: Starfleet Command: Presidents [sic] Office, n103.
McCullick Appears; Disappears; Appears Again
FORMER STF VICE-PREMSIDENT RANDY "THE CEREBRUM" McCULLICK WAS SUPPOSED TO PUBLISH THE LATEST ISSUE OF FNN THIS WEEK. His plans were, however, shot down. Horribly. McCullick, who has been AWOL on-and-off for many months, and was replaced as Veep by FComm-2 Mike "Admiral Mike" Ballway, intended to broadcast another old trade name, the "official" news network of STF, the Federation News Network. His plans never quite reached fruition, as advertisements for his periodical were stricken from MOTDs around and near STF.
McCullick said that FNN was not merely another WeBBpaper like Tangled WeBB or...well, there's another one, but the point is it wasn't another WeBBpaper. He claimed that hidden deep within it was an apology for his AWOLness--an apology he hoped people would read. No one read it, though, because all links to FNN were removed from MOTDs. These actions have inspired the new "Media MOTD" on the front page.
| IN THE BRIEFS |
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Headline News Apologizes Yet Again
IN THE MEDIA BUSINESS, which we are most definitely not a part of, you're bound to hurt some feelings, and we did just that in a recent edition of WeBBSights. Masquerading as Crell inhabitant (and SNN correspondent) Lance Eddington, we saw fit to write about Mark "This soup has tentacles" Longanbach's winning the election. Longanbach saw it as an insult and wrote us several very nasty letters where he said, ". . . and I think you should . . . be Executive Editor because . . . you're a nice . . . guy . . ." We would like to take the time here to apologize to Mr. Longanbach and his running mate, Bill "I didn't know Vodka could be so painful" Gunty. Neither WeBBSights nor myself intended it to be an insult.
Garfield Sets Media MOTD
FOR QUITE SOME TIME NOW, the rules regarding advertisements on MOTDs haven't been all that clear, not that it was necessary, since the people who had access to them were a select bunch that knew each other and bent the rules like Superman. All that has changed now, with FComm-4 Larry "I Can't Believe it's Not an Edict" Garfield pulling on the President's pants and making so Presidential decisions (that are normally reserved for STF President Bob "I guess I was gone for a while" Spurlin). The new MOTD format, as seen in the Login screen, will consist of WeBBSights on the bottom, Headline News after that, and then a string of apocalypse in ascending order. This has been organized due to erradicate confusion and make Fleet MOTDs shorter. Funny, we always thought that important news should go on top, then advertisements in descending order of age.
The Big Cheese Visits #star-fleet
FORMER STF PRESIDENT JIM "THE BIG CHEESE" MIDYETTE, known far and wide as the King of Kings among STFers, visited #star-fleet on 1 March when election information was divulged, and we missed a huge media cicrus due to a nap. Midyette made allusions to his "lurking" around STF as of late, and took time to congratulate the winners of the election. Midyette would not coment on the whereabouts of a 1974 Ford Pinto with Massachusetts plates, saying, "What the hell are you talking about?" Forensic experts and Robocop™ believed he was lying.
Ballway Claims Ownership of RoboCosby™
FCOMM-2 AND BLUE JELLO [SIC] COMMANDER MIKE "ADMIRAL MIKE" BALLWAY NOTED THIS WEEK THAT ROBOCOSBY, the huge Transformer or Voltron-like robot that responds to the whims of Randy "MER" McCullick, was the brainchild of Blue Jello [sic] and its co-horts. McCullick denied this, saying that RoboCosby™ was the spawn of Turquoise Jell-O, a faction of the Blue consortium but by no means a part of Blue's central organization. Both parties are now suing for custody of RoboCosby™. Judge Judy has been called in to arbitrate the matter. No trial date has been set.
| BACK IN THE DAY |
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H. Simon Gregory
WHEN GENESUN HAN TOOK THE NAME "LARIMDA ME," it was to satire a rank inflation that was going on at the time. Today there is also a kind of rank inflation permeating STF. It's WeBB inflation, a disease that began to bubble and brew within STF's arteries from day one of the WeBB. The first members were given high ranks, since there was no one at the time to command anything, except for veterans who the crossed that Bering Strait to get to the WeBB. In under a year, folks had CO-ships (and were the COs of ships), sometimes outranking veterans who had been in STF twice as long. The top brass in San Francisco should keep in mind just who it is they have in charge; they should be seasoned, not accepted because they ask and beg and plead, although that is just as effective here.
| PERSONALITY OUT-OF-FOUCUS |
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Alan Felts, the King of Kongs
DESPITE LOSING A BID IN THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS, former Victorious XO Alan "Cottons" Felts isn't without a source of income. Before the election process began, he asked us if we could find him a job, in case things didn't go as planned. Lacking a copy boy, we gave Felts the job and promised him a <tr> all to himself on the bottom banner. As if that wasn't enough, Felts asked to do an interview (that makes only two that have asked so far), and we relented, knowing that STF President Bob "Spaghetti is a crime" Spurlin was probably interviewed out. Here it is, the interview that Alan Felts has been waiting for, the interview with Alan Felts!
1. Explain, in complete sentences and with a thesis statement, the Pythagorean theorem.
BAH!
2. Why won't this darn car start?
It most likely isn't running on the AWESOME power of apples (see no. 9 below).
3. "All's fair in love and war." Has this been true in your experience?
Well in my experience of love nothing is fair. In war fairness means jack. Whoever is better will be the victor. Who said we had to be fair?
4. In a no-holds-barred cage match, who would win: Cotton gin inventor Eli Whitney or light bulb inventor Thomas Edison?
Good old Eli would put up a mighty fight, but Thomas Edison would simply blind his opponent and easily break his neck.
5. Do you like scary movies?
Well I have had to endure the pain of watching Barney's Great Adventure (or whatever it is called) with my little cousin, so I am ready for any scary movie. I wouldn't say I like them, but that might change when the Teletubby movie comes out <G>.
6. Imagine if you will a place not only of sight and sound but of mind. Where have you crossed into?
Let's see, can't be STF related. Um, the Library of Congress <G>?
7. Excuse me, but could you tell me where I left my __________?
Well the last place I saw your Webster's Dictionary was in Colin's office.
8. Colin has an office?
Yes the Personnel Department Head Janitor's office is located in sub-basement 23 of Command.
9. How can wet plaster be modified to create an efficient fuel?
Well if we just packed it down and added apples to it, we could release the AWESOME power of apples and that would get us anywhere!
10. Who is your favorite SuperFriend and why?
I would have to say Aqua Man. Not only does he have the same name as a certain jello force that I lead, but he also has the coolest power. If I could make the sea creatures do what I wanted, the world would be under my command sooner than you could say applesauce.
| ADVERT SECTION |
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Game Show Host Wanted
WITH THE RECENT ASSASSINATION OF CELEBRITIES PAT SAJAK IX AND ALEX TREBEK X, we wonder exactly who will provide the questions to our answers. As a public service, SNN Headline News has taken upon itself the task of advertising for a game show host. The show? The New Rigelian Squares, produced by the ABCBNBC corporation. Says Executive Producer Dirk Richter, "The show is a feeble attempt at best to capture the chance pairing of great repetoire between celebrities. We'll mimic the past by holding auditions to see which grouping of modern celebrities produces the most pointless banter." Another spokesperson for the show indicated, through pantomime, that ABCBNBC Chief Operating Executive in charge of Operations Brandon Bochco expected the show to be popular with generation XX-ers and those who want to foolishly relive their youth. Industry experts expect a three-week run of the show before cancelation, a higher figure than most other new series. Auditions for game show host will be held in the Gene Rayburn Memorial Auditorium and Health Spa this Thursday. Inexperience is a must.
| UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN |
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The End of Edition no. 2(x - 32)
THAT'S AN EASY PROBLEM, much easier than the problems faced in SNN Headline News II.32(well, there's the answer). How does one top the elections? Every issue after this is an anticlimax until the pre-election summary in August (two months before the elections). Many questions nag at our brains like so many dying NEs: what will become of IveSTFiya? How about the USS Seraph? Can Seamus "Exoneration is my middle name" Hughes balance Fleet 6 with the needs of his Aye clone PUN? These and other answers will probably not be found within edition no. 33, but there will be plenty more jokes about newly elected STF Pepsodent Bob "Twirlin'" Spurlin. Did you enjoy the first non-election edition in a long time? We crammed it full of the most recycled jokes we could find.
For your pleasure, we offer a choice selection of Journalistic Mottos, but the house specialty is the lightly grilled, sauteed, seasoned, and toasted "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events. Our champagnes include Cabernet Sauveingon, Chardonnay, and Red Jell-O served with Coca-Cola.
In our next edition, we will be more than halfway to the record of 65 issues set forth by SNN Update, the holiest of electronic periodicals. Also in our next edition, a look at the person behind Steve "Tell me I'm pretty" Ashton--Deanne "Chain mail" Morgan. Or, rather, figuratively, the person "behind" Steve "Call me a cab" Ashton: Steve "You're a cab" Ashton. Can we do any better? Maybe an interview with ex-cheese Jim "The Big Cheese" Midyette. But that's doubtful.
Published SD 9907.03 (99030.7)
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50% recycled jokes (15% post-consumer)
Mined and smelted by
