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| UP FRONT |
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Command Squabble Ends in Controversial Edict no. 6
WHEN STF KAISER MIKE BOB I TERMINATED FORMER GMDIR DEANNE "GOOD" MORGAN, she retaliated with a lengthy essay on why shouldn't have been terminated, among her reasons that she hadn't finished doing good for the people of Metropolis. Morgan criticized the Czar for his choice of Owen "Life is like a bag of cream cheese" Ashcroft as GMDir, when she specified that she wanted now-AGMDir Stuart "Little" Coll to be GMDir when she resigned--a choice that she made from the beginning. In her short story, Morgan mentioned that she had only intended her tenure to be temporary, a necessity to fix up the broken and defenseless GMD.
Spurlin took the offensive in Edict no. 6, where he dressed up as David Platt to deliver the stirring announcement: Deanne Morgan was effectively banned from Command for the rest of Spurlin's term. To make amends for that last dictatorial proclamation, Spurlin added a final gunshot when he decreed that Morgan could not hold a cabinet position -- even an assistant position -- for the rest of his term. Some have accused the Premier of abusing power, and others have kept quiet because they would like to keep their positions. With this in mind, we return you to our regularly scheduled doubleplusgood programming.
Editor's Note: Deanne Morgan recently resigned completely from STF, and Steve Ashton after her. Also, Spurlin rescinded some parts of Edict 6 in Edicts 7 and 9.
Fleet One to Join WeBB Counterparts
THOUGH IT WAS SLATED TO HAPPEN IN OCTOBER, STF Fleet 1 (aka "The Foremost Fleet") will make the jump from Prodigy to the WeBB as soon as next week. In a candid yet poignant interview, FComm-6 Seamus "Mmm...64 slices of American cheese" Hughes described the situation as "dire," and noted that "all hands [should] brace for impact." Sources al lado de SNN Headline News have pointed out that they don't know if an Outpost or some other such structure will be erected [Greg Hertzsch, behave yourself. --Ed.] where STF1 now stands.
In a story that is as much related as it is corresponding with the one above, the rag-tag club AT will join STF, thanks to the help of the advisory council formed by former president Gerald "Mike Bourdaa" Ford. Consisting of FComm-4 Larry "Barry" Garfield, FComm-2 Mike "Spike" Ballway and FC...er, AFComm-1 Mark "Shark" Wilson, the bunch debated the fine points of an AT merger, and who was more attractive: Mel Gibson or Tom Cruise. No word on the group's latter decision as of yet. However, it has been worked out that AT will join STF as a separate fleet, and the bunch may even have their own PREMsident. More on this story as it becomes a solid without first going through a liquid phase.
Editor's Note: This article was written before the actual merger occurred, and our best scientoliologists believed that this edition would come out on 20 March, the day of the F1 merger. [Guess what? It didn't! --Ed.].
Edict no. 4 Cleans Up Fuzzy Lines
IN THE FOURTH EDICT OF HIS TERM, STF Mike Bob I ordered the GMD to get itself some rules and regulations. He gave the Department and its Director, the GMDir (GM Director), a job to do in writing, rather than the nebulous "tradition" that had governed it before. The Edict also, at last, put the jobs of the XOs and COs into perspective, as well. According to the document, GMs, COs, and XOs all have the same job -- to guide the sim along. GMDir Owen "Craftsman" Ashcroft was quoted as saying, "Sim? We're supposed to manage a sim?" Ashcroft later cursed the many different gods that inhabit this sector and ran off shouting the Battle Hymn of the Republic.
Edict no. 2 Causes Holy War
IN THE SECOND EDICT OF HIS TERM, STF Mike Bob I pondered the meaning of life as he amended former STF Mike Mike II's Edict 32 by limited the size of the training ship USS Challenger to the dash-3 level. The Edict was sparked by a discussion in Command where everyone actually agreed with everyone else, and after the Edict was passed, everyone still agreed. Psychologists at the Syntax VIII Institute of Speech concluded that STF was infested with parasites. What they could not conclude, however, is whether or not Owen "Townships are smaller than" Townes and Alan "All new materials" Felts are the same person.
| IN THE BRIEFS |
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Healey Gets in Last Word
WHEN FORMER IDIR CHRIS "ARCHEY" HEALEY RESIGNED LAST YEAR, STF thought it had seen the last of him. STF, however, was painfully mistaken. On 22 March, the audiologist who lives near Prince Charles returned, thanks to an infrequent login that evaded STF's Marshals and autosweeper. In Command, he posted a note that was received by few before AIDir Randy "McCoy" McCullick deleted 4 kb of nonsense. While the staff of Headline News never saw the message, McCullick said that it was slanderous and full of naughty, naughty words. Healey's account is expected to be deleted when IDir Mike "Coder" Bourdaa returns from Tahiti.
Fleet 5 ("The 5th Fleet") Changes Command
FOLLOWING IN THE TRADITION OF SUCH GREATS AS NATHAN "DENNIS" MILLER AND DEANNE "ASHTON" MORGAN, Nikolle "I've now got control of the most boring MOTD in the club" Burchette was named FComm-5 this week, following rumors that Nikolle "That last one was a cheap shot" Burchette was to be named FComm-5. The change in position was fraught with scandal, though (see "Command Squabble..." in Headlines section)
Hughes Fights Fire with Pizza
TAKING A LESSON FROM SMOKEY THE BEAR, FComm-6 and winner of the Trinitron CO-For-a-Week contest, Seamus "Only I can prevent forest fires . . . well, there goes the forest" Hughes quickly averted disaster after sucessfully putting out a smoldering pizza burning in his toaster oven. The famed Hughes began his fiasco with water, which, though the toaster oven was plugged in at the time, worked. The most startling part of the ordeal came when Hughes destroyed a valuable family smoke detector, valued at $20 (=/39.95). Since then, all of Hughes's engineering characters have been put on mandatory leave.
President Gains New Title
WHEN SNN HEADLINE NEWS SUBMITTED THE WEBBSIGHTS SUGGESTION OF TITLING THE STF PRESIDENT "MIKE," IT WAS TURNED DOWN. Now is the time of our discontent, and also our revenge. Starting now, SNN Headline News will refer to the President of STF as the "Mike" of STF, along with the President's first name. In its last issue, WS thought of titling the President "Mike" because so many historical STF figures were Mikes (Mike Bertsch, Mike Barclay, Mike Cathcart, Mike Bourdaa, Mike Ballway, et al.). The following is the Mike Table of Roman Numerals. Parents, you may wish to shield your children.
Mike I - Mike
Bertsch
Mike II -
Mike Bourdaa
Mike III -
Mike Cathcart
Mike IV -
Mike Ballway
Mike V - Mike
Barclay
The curiosity in the above table is that 4/5 (80% or 0.8) of the Mikes are Mike B's, hinting that something wicked this way comes. President Mike Bob I has requested that the title "Mike" not be used on official documents, only ones that will burned, like this one. D'oh!
Joe DiMaggio: 1914 - 1999
TWICE A WEEK, fresh red roses showed up at Marilyn Monroe's grave. Now, he can finally join his beloved Marilyn along with his other friends from the world of baseball before it became corrupt (that's 1989). Joe DiMaggio, the baseball legend, also died two weeks ago at the age of 84, after surgery for lung cancer.
Stanley Kubrick: 1928 - 1999
THE CREATOR OF A THOUSAND STARTLING IMAGES, from the manifest destiny of 2001: A Space Odysey to the psychological horror of A Clockwork Orange died two weeks ago Hedfordshire, England. From 1950 on, he brought the world his own brand of filmmaking, becoming most famous with his adaptation The Shining. Despite being notorious for doing hundreds of takes of a shot, he was a modern legend. No more.
| LET'S TALK ABOUT "RPG" |
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Mark Wilson
THIS IS ONE INSTANCE WHERE I DECIDED THAT H. SIMON GREGORY SHOULD TAKE SOME TIME OFF. In doing so, I want you to examine the headline. "RPG." It's an acronym, short for "Role-Playing Game," the type of amusement that STF is. Those words -- amusement, game -- they indicate that STF is not reality. One more time for the hearing-impaired: STF is not reality.
The very beginning of STF was a foundation of turmoil, presided over by the Platt scandal. Throughout its history, people have taken things very seriously, and though it is painful to dredge up the past, it's the only way we'll learn. Yes, I'm talking about the friction between Deanne Morgan and Bob Spurlin. What is the point, exactly, of going behind one's back to replace one? This must serve a purpose, and I've got experts working around the clock to figure it out.
Why go to such lengthy circumstances in an RPG? Look, there's that acronym again: Role-Playing Game. The key idea, since there are a whole slew of people out there that can't grasp it, is that STF is pretend -- make-believe, not reality. It is amusement, distraction, allegedly fun. Why a person becomes so personally offended, or worse -- why another personally offends the former person, I'll never know.
Resignations have been threatened left and right in the past several months, and this is a phenomenon that has occurred only as of late, beginning perhaps with the IRC scandal, #star-fleetgate. After that came the Aye on the WeBB fiasco, bringing us to the current situation between Emperor Hirohito and Deanne Morgan. It goes back to the very root of a human's being -- jealousy, revenge, and all of those dark, nasty things that Nathaniel Hawthorne was right about, after all.
Why take things personally in an imaginary environment? None of it is real, but the emotions are. Hatred lasts for a long time, beyond the death of STF, which is happening as we speak. We fail to think about the consequences of our actions, and when they are made, we realize our prescription is 20/20 hindsight. It's detrimental to you, it's detrimental to me, and it's already crumbling STF to bits.
| PERSONALITY OUT-OF-FOUCUS |
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Owen Townes: Jeepers, What the Heck Happened in Here?
WE RECEIVED AN E-MAIL NOT TOO LONG AGO FROM VICTORIOUS XO OWEN "PUBELOS ARE BASICALLY" TOWNES. Not only did it praise us for excellent managerial abilities aboard the Vicky, but it asked us where our Townes interview was.
We stopped, stuttered, bought coffee. Townes interview?
Then it hit us -- if we did do an interview, the log was lost when we re-installed V O R T E X, STF's IRC program of choice. Thus, Headline News was forced to do an old-fashioned e-mail interview. It doesn't create the liveliness or irrelevance of an IRC interview, but it does have half the calories of "Diet" IRC Interview. Check out the nutrition facts, then decide for yourself.
1. I have
invented "Fruit by the Yard." Do you want some?
I always want some, just, not Fruit
by the Yard, and not from you :)
2. Spell
"existentialist."
Ah... just like you did
3. "Anyone
who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad." Has this been true in your
experience?
Absolutely. I hate dogs, my friend
hates babies, we're both half good.
4. Use the
Force, Owen.
I'd rather just laugh at them and
make them feel stupid.
5. In a
no-holds-barred grudge match, who would win: Leonardo da Vinci or Michaelangelo?
Michaelangelo! While da Vinci has
the Bond-esque inventions, Michaelangelo's prowess with large pieces of
rock just can't be beat.
6. Can you
blow bubbles with your spit?
Yes, and even make them float.
7. What
was it like being the STF Vice-President?
Um... boring, really. That was back
when STF was very easy to maintain, and Greg did all the maintaining. All
the VP spot was good for was giving Aaron Holland a reason to accuse me
of abusing my power.
8. In 30
seconds or less, give me the gist of Jacqueline Suzanne's Valley of
the Dolls.
Read the Cliffs Notes.
9. How does
one solve world hunger?
Kill all the hungry people. Then
you'll have even more food for the non-hungry people!
10. Who
is your favorite SuperFriend and why?
Batman. 'cause he's got the brains,
and a stupid little boy to follow him around doing the dirty work. "Robin,
go get yourself killed. I'm gonna go hang with that foxie-looking Cat Woman.
Save me if she turns bad."
| UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN |
|
And the Oscar Goes to . . .
SNN HEADLINE NEWS! We're so happy that you voted for us, and we'd like to thank all of the many people that made SNN Headline News II.33 so profitable, but that's the music, so we've run out of time. So without further ado, we offer the Roberto Benigni motto of "I feel like the flower when she mixes with cement on a cloudless Venus morning." Oops, that was our motto. The Benigni motto is "The floor, she is as strong as a thousand blades of grass strung together with warm aluminum foil." Glad we got that one sorted out. We apologize for the lateness of this issue, but we had many delicious things to do in the two weeks we've been away.
In keeping with the tradition of SNN Headline News, we'll take this time to swear upon the stomach of Roger Ebert our "spoon!" Journalistic Motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events.
Note to Mike Ballway: We have seen several instances of the word "traveling" spelled "travelling," as we spelled it before. You had us believe that the latter was incorrect. Will you issue a retraction? Probably not.
In our next cavalcade of insanity, see the posthumous (humiss?) interview of former ACmdt Steve "Smashin'" Ashton, and witness the bridled power of the rest of our friends at 515 SNN Center (if they ever get anything written).
Published SD 9927.03 (99032.7)
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50% recycled jokes (15% post-consumer)
Hand-bottled and corked by
