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| BEFORE THE DAY |
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Colin Wyers Special Edition (Head for the Hills)
ACCORDING TO VICE-CONSUL COLIN "I ONLY HAVE ONE WING. YEP, IT'S THE RIGHT ONE" WYERS, Headline News didn't mention him at all in our last issue. Thusly, in every article of this issue the gist will in some way be traced back to the Vice-Dictator of the Proletariat. Enjoy, sir!
AT Approved; War for Power Begins
SINCE LAST YEAR, members of STF had been assembled in a committee (tentatively titled "state department") designed to seek out dying RPGs and boldly bring them to the WeBB. Two of these were chosen from Prodigy, GAMM and AT. GAMM decided to merge with another club and we decided to point our noses up at them while at the same time welcoming AT from Prodigy, as well. In Edict no. 10, STF Mike Bob I approved the "AT ship" and gave several ground regulations that both AT and STF have accepted. At an undetermined date (to be determined in the future), AT will become a ship in STF Fleet 1. The president of AT, FAdm. Charles "Mozzarela" Molluzzo will be given control of this ship and several crew members will be determined in the future, as well.
In Edict 10, Spurlin sung of the brave and heroic deeds of the warrior IDir Mike "Plywood" Bourdaa and his victory over the Titans. The Lord Protector failed to mention, though, the deeds of the lesser peons that were instrumental in the AT negotiations and in finding AT and opening negotiations when the club was listed as an unknown on a list of RP clubs. These valiant heroes were FComm-4 Larry "Flynt" Garfield, FComm-2 Mike "Ooh, recognition!" Ballway and AFComm-1 Mark "It's true, I am an ugly duckling" Wilson. EDir Colin "Crossed" Wyers played no part in this operation, but is being mentioned for mentioning's sake.
Wyers and Garfield Meet; Bloodshed Kept to Minimum
CHICAGO, IL -- THOUGH IT SOUNDS LIKE MATTER AND ANTIMATTER COLLIDING, the meeting of Colin "Barbed" Wyers and Larry "Paint the town orange" Garfield resulted in little more than assault and battery. In Chicago last week, Garfield accompanied the Wyerses on a tour of that quaint little crime-filled burg (though Wyers later admitted he didn't see any crime). The two found something to agree on: they don't like Libertarians. Following this mutual hatred, the two booked a red-eye to California where they took pot-shots at IDir Mike "Honk if you like the Michigan Militia" Bourdaa with BBs. Bourdaa later found some of his communist friends, and they went out to find Wyers and Garfield.
After swimming out of San Francisco Bay (in cement shoes, no doubt) the two high-tailed it back to Chicago in time to leave with their families. Bourdaa remains at large, as well as Communist party members Jeremy "Baked guy" Friedman and Brandon "I'll just nap the day off" Goodin. A reward of $50,000 (=/89,653) has been offered for their capture, dead or unconcious.
Carter Begins Fighter Spec Proceedings; Holsteins Overjoyed
USS SERAPH CO ANTHONY "BUTCH" CARTER HAS BEGUN THE PROCESS OF WHAT WILL SURELY BE THE MOST UNIQUE OF STF'S SHIPS. The project, begun by the request of an STFer in Command, is designed around a fighter wing, housed inside a huge mother-ship, the USS Unity. Currently, EDir Colin "Fiber-optic" Wyers is in the process of reviewing this proposed addition to Fleet 5. Full specs are available at the ED or http://members.tripod.com/enovus/unity.html. It is believed that the ship will have full milking facilities.
Jell-O Action Winds Down
ACTION ON THE JELL-O FRONT HAS SLOWED DOWN THIS WEEK WITH NONE OF THE USUAL PARTICIPANTS JOINING IN. Most of the happenings have become centered around Jason "Y." Lee and James "It's a kick in a glass" Tang's Technology Shop, reborn from the ashes from whence it was destroyed. Recently, Blackberry-Lime Jell-O destroyed the building and its accompanying Think Tank, but the mayhem was nullified by James "Who died and made me GM?" Tang. Correspondents in the dark, feculent world of the OOC told Headline News that Owen "Don't you point that EM conduit at me" Townes's Black Jell-O has become an integral player in recent Jell-O events. Currently, STF Associate Meunster Colin "20-gauge" Wyers remains entangled with Blue Jello [sic].
The fact remains that Jell-O action has taken a downward spin since it began a month ago in the OOC. Rebel desserts cheesecake, cookies, and milk have not been seen lately, nor have perennial favorites Green and Purple Jell-O. Chlorinated walruses from this side of the beach to the other side of the opposite side of the same beach agree that Dessert War '99 may be over before May. Currently, the bloodiest Jell-O war on record remains IRC Jell-O War '99, begun when Randy "McCutlet" McCullick flung Jell-O at AFComm-1 Mark "George" Wilson.
Mass Promotions
YOU HEARD IT HERE AFTER YOU HEARD IT SOMEWHERE ELSE. Following the resignation of former ACmdt Steve "The Bicycle Thief" Ashton, AFComm-6 Alan "Nylons" Felts was named ACmdt. It is believed that Colin "Copper" Wyers had no part in getting this Edict no. 10 across. The new commandant later added to a presidential Edict by promoting Sinead "Charlotte" Doyle to the rank of Commander, as per Challenger rules stipulated in Edict MBourd32.
Fair Fighting Produces Results
WHILE MUCH OF STF WAS CONSUMED WITH THE '99 COMMAND SCANDAL, Owen "Corning" Townes was getting some work done. Faced with nothing but ships, ships, and by golly, more ships, Townes made a decision that could impact STF for a very long time: he did something about it. With the same efficiency and lack of fighting that brought the Daily Ship (Titania) into being, an alternate-sim environment (colony), much like Crell in Fleet 4, will pop up in Fleet 6. Those of you searching through Command to find the latest dish on the Command Scandal may happen upon a long list of names; this is a list compiled by Townes and fellow accomplice Jim "Physcial Education" Armstrong as to who would be interested in this kind of alternate sim. Many ideas have been given in the past, some for an RPG based on original Trek, and some based on Babylon 5 (the latter was no doubt the perpetration of PDir Greg "Search" Hertzsch). Yes-men were quick to point out that STF Vice-President Colin "Electrical" Wyers was rendered stupified by an episode of Babylon Five. Says Wyers, "I've seen it [Babylon 5] once [in a single instance] and I [Colin Wyers] was lost [unable to comprehend] [Babylon 5]."
| IN THE BRIEFS |
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FComm-1 Visits WeBB; Gets New Account
AFTER A WEEK OF FLEET 1 ON THE WEBB, FComm-1 and future partner Dennis "the Nuisance" Hannigan has come to the WeBB with a new America Online account. While it is not known exactly how active Hannigan will be, it is known that he has created integral characters on both Starbase 223 and the USS Ark Angel. It was unknown whether or not Hannigan would be moving with Fleet 1, as he is a law student and is prone to bouts of rhetoric and coffee (though he claims to be a fan of Surge). Also, it should be noted that Colin "Frayed" Wyers likes Surge (and rhetoric) as well.
Fleet 2 Relocates to Arizona; Comes Back with Sunburn
FOLLOWING THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF AN LOA BY FCOMM-2 MIKE "THE BALLSTER" BALLWAY, Headline News soon realized that the only reason he left was to consolidate his power. Now, the fine, dry state of Arizona is home to Fleet 2 commanders Ballway and AFComm-2 Mark "Largo and Schoenburg" Longanbach. The two are plotting as we speak (or if you're a Bible person, spake) to move STF to Arizona and dry it up, keeping the Colorado River for themselves. While all this was happening, STF Co-Cheeseman Colin "Tungsten" Wyers was in Chicago dodging punches thrown by Larry "Nermal" Garfield.
Colin Wyers
THAT'S RIGHT, an entire section devoted to STF Vice-Narcissist Colin "Stripped" Wyers. He's got music, he's got rhythm, he's got his girl, who could ask for anything more? [I suppose he could ask for a larger ego. --Ed.].
Mike B. Returns to STF
A MEMBER OF STF-PRODIGY in the glory days of Mike IV, returned to his new stomping grounds last week. Mike Bowman, known by his enemies as Mike VI, poked his head into the OOC last week. STF Veep Colin "Cutter" Wyers does not know this Mike, but will probably come to like him in the future.
| ASSORTED RANTINGS & RAVINGS |
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H. Simon Gregory
H. SIMON GREGORY IS OFF FOR THIS ISSUE. Be sure to look for Lance Eddington, though, in the next edition of WeBBSights. And don't forget to read IveSTFiya by Colin "Live" Wyers, whenever it's published.
| A LOOK INSIDE |
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Steve Ashton, Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride
FOR AN AWFULLY LONG TIME, Steve "Sootpound" Ashton was the Academy Comandant (ACmdt to those of you physiologically dependent on STF acronyms), and then he resigned following the latest Command squabble. Before he left, though, Ashton treated us to an interview that was simultaneously humourous and droll. Thus, STF's favorite Englishmen regails his friends with tales of toast, tea, and tyres (okay, we threw in the last one to please our friends on the Constellation). We might also mention that we did an interview with Veep Colin "Chicken" Wyers a while ago. Boy, we're stretching this.
1. What's
it like living so close to the Prime Meridian?
Well, it's just great, knowing we have this imaginary line that ain't going
to burns us up like the equator does.
2. Is Star-Fleet
Academy anything like "Police Academy"?
That's just the way I see it, and I'm the goofy old bloke looking after
it.
3. If Peter
Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where's the peck of pickled peppers
Peter Piper picked?
If Peter Piper pecked his pick of the pickled peppers, then I'd say he's
eaten them.
4. In a
no-holds-barred cage match, who would win: Christopher Columbus or Amerigo
Vespucci?
Ooo a toughie.... the one with the biggest cannon balls.
5. Look
out! Behind you! It's a __________ !
Man bearing my visa.
6. "All
work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." Has this been true in your
experience?
Yes. Jack is a dull boy.
7. What's
your favorite kind of tea (assuming you drink the stuff)?
Earl Grey Hot, I think NOT. PG Tips is good though.
8. Tell
us your deep dark secret.
I would, but then I'd have to kill you.
9.
Eh, what's up, doc?
Your temperature, here, take theses twice a day and rest for 24 hrs.
10.Who is
your favorite Super Friend and why?
All my friends are Super. They really look after me, everyone of them it
urging the US Embassy to grant my visa immediately.
| ADVERT SECTION |
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It's Spectacular! It's Sensational!
IT'S STF: THE MUSICAL! Watch dancers and actors dance and act the story of STF from its founding by Jose Monroy to its current presidency of Mike Bourdaa (the show was written in 1998)!
THE FORD PREFECT CO. PRESENTS
A Cameron Mackintosh Production
"STF: The Musical"
Starring ANTHONY
PERKINS as David Platt KIRK DOUGLAS as Jim Midyette
MARY-KATE
AND ASHLEY OLSEN as Grace and Julie Larsen DENNIS HOPPER as Jerry
Phelps
JAY LENO as
Mike Ballway JERRY MATHERS as Greg Hertzsch CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
as Mike Bourdaa
BILL GATES
as Larry Garfield and TRENT LOTT as Colin
Wyers
Written by Mike Ballway
Music & Lyrics by Larry Garfield
Directed by David O. Selznick
| THEY AIN'T NO MO' LAN' AHEA' |
|
I Reckon We'd Better Head Back
YESSIR, they ain't much more sto'y ahead, just a lot a talkin' from folks that don't know what they's talkin' 'bout. Load up yo' wagons for nex' time when we'll have ourselves another heapin' helpin' a the stuff you like most -- satire, int'views, an' H. Simon Gregory, back from Risa (or wherever it is he went to). SNN Headline News'll be bringin' you mo' 'bout Anthony "Butch" Carter's idea for a fighter ship an' Owen "I'll take my plasma coils to go" Townes's plot for a colony sim in Fleet 6.
As always, we swear on Ma's salted pork that our motto'll be "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events. An' if we ever stop with that motto, y'all can take us out back an' stick us, and bleed us ta the house, then kill us an' make some pork outta us.
We're all hopin' ya liked this here Colin "Downed" Wyers edition a SNN Headline News. Af'er this, we shore hope he stops his complainin' 'bout not bein' in any a our issues. He shore does complain a lot. Anyways, we're glad y'all sat through this, and always keep this in mind: wherever there's somepin' serious goin' on that's way too serious, we'll be there. Whenever Larry "Odie" Garfield isn't 'roun', we'll be there. Wherever somebody's doin' somepin' real stupid, we'll be there. We're ever'where. Big Brother's watchin' you.
Published SD 9907.04 (99040.7)
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Chilled to perfection by
