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| REPASO |
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Headline News Takes Really Long Vacation
In a move that has rivaled even the vacation of Mike "The Spike" Cathcart, Headline News has taken a very, very long sabbatical. You are correct, sir! From 7 April until 5 May (Cinco de Mayo for the Hispanic of you) we took the WeBBSights way out and put a month between publications. Quite a bit happened over that period of time, and we'll do our darnedest to fill you in on the carnage.
Oed V Becomes Reality; Oxford English Dictionary Sues for Infringement
With Owen "Metropolises are much larger than" Townes complaining at your front doorstep, it's hard to ignore him. So, like so many others before him, STF Mike "Viva la revolution!" Bob I gave in to the grovelling of Mr. Townes and approved Oed V, dubbed by innocent bystanders as "the colony sim." SNN correspondent Fleetwood Mac has been flying Rumours about, and Headline News has learned that the GMs are the Aforementioned Townes and AFComm-6 Alan "Kevlars" Felts.
Jell-O War Becomes 'War Between the Technology Shops'
Larry Garfield was the proprietor of the original Technology Shop™ many years ago, and until recently he has remained the sole Clerk. It was a dreary day in the Beta Quadrant, however, when local STF pariah Jason "Y am I doing this?" Lee arrived in town, Garfield fled, leaving his Technology Shop™ at the mercy of Lee.
Since Garfield left, Lee transformed the ragtag shack into a place where one needn't be ashamed to bring their family. Many very interesting things loomed about, including Ego Class MkIII destroyers (courtesy of Orange Jell-O, operated by IDir Mike "I-a hammer-a nails-a into a" Bourdaa. Utopia was shattered, though, after unprovoked attacks by fellow pariahs (pariae?) Israel "Sudan" Harris and Jeremy "Nathan" Miller. Both destroyed the Technology Shop™ at various points along the way, and both times Lee (and sometimes Harris) claimed that the Shop was never destroyed.
Like the American Revolution, no one knows who fired the first shot. Someone, though, arrived at the ingenious idea that the Shop was an isomorphic projection. The projection, allegedly, has mass but is made of energy and cannot be destroyed. It was about this time that the Technology Shop™ allied itself with Blue Jello [sic] and its coalitions. Currently, the most devout enemies of the Technology Shop™ are Red, Black, and a new flavor entitled "Blackberry-Lime." A horse was polled on what he thought about the dwindling Jell-O War and commented, "No sir, I don't like it."
Aye on the WeBB Returneth
Coincidentally, the day after Headline News published II.34, Aye on the WeBB, the apple of STF's eye, the non-dairy creamer in its coffee (that's the third time we've used that line) rose from the dead to publish issue number 8. You might recall that a small scandal arose around Christmastime last year, and Aye was stricken from electronic newsstands everywhere. FComm-6 Seamus "Fuse" Hughes (with a little help from Headline News publisher Mark "Wahlberg" Wilson) succeeded, however, in getting out an eighth edition which includes full Jell-O coverage, an interview with Microsoft trillionaire Bill "Iron" Gates and some very funny jokes from FComm-4 Larry "James A." Garfield (ask to be placed on Larry's joke-forwarding list -- you'll be glad you did). As such, there are no plans for a ninth edition of the original Pariah paper that spawned many very lazy imitators. Publisher Hughes was quoted as saying, "Down with homework! Down with homework!"
Phillips Launches Campaign Against Fleet 5
Former FComm-5 B.J. "The original WeBB member" Phillips launched a campaign after recently winning the Fleet 5 Name-a-Fleet Contest (his winning entry was "The Meridian Fleet." In 2nd was Mike Ballway's "The Quintessential Fleet" and Mark Wilson's "The Fleet That's Run By a Girl.") to re-instate the USS Olympic as the flagship of the fleet. FComm-5 Nikolle "Why yes, I am a girl" Burchette shot down his notion, and to date has not given in to his tantrums. Phillips countered by launching an assault on Starbase 227, with the aid of Red Jell-O. It is unknown whether or not Cappy the Leprechaun was injured in the ensuing marathon.
Constellation Ends Sim; Da Davorsha!
While we were away, what can safely be dubbed the longest ever WeBB sim ended. The Constellation sim, which was the ship's inaugural web sim, wrapped up shortly before our last edition, and our copy boys fell down on their way to deliver the stories, resulting in a barrage of pink slips and a missed story. The sim, however, involved a missing admiral's son on the planet Calmore, and a Charlie-Xish child on the SS New Vegas. The sim outlasted two presidents, two XOs, countless DHs and innumerable NEs. After the event was over, the crew adjourned to Calmore for a game of Ultimate Frisbee. That was where the trouble started.
A petty squabble began over the appropriate name for a Frisbee -- "Frisbee" or "disk." Soon, a riot between Americans and Canadians ensued, with XO Nigel "God save the Prime Minister" Fitzburn and Lt. Douglas "The cookies are ripe today" Van Ness attacking neighbours to the north Jaret "Not the inventor of the spinning jenny" Hargreaves and Lt. Cmdr. Ken "Hockey isn't just football [rugby] with sticks, it's . . . um . . ." Leigh-Smith. Soon, an analysis of spelling and the metric system was called into question, and CO Jon "R." Stevenson (Michael J. Ballway) made several references to the spelling of "tire" as "tyre," which is a strictly British thing.
All Canadian bashing stopped when Larry "Jerry" Garfield signed on as the GM, a Russian robot named GORBI. Soon, an analysis of Marxism ensued, but not before the crew tried as hard as it could to ridicule GORBI for a great many things. In any case, the crew now faces the USS Westley as well as the formidable anti-communist propaganda of Lt. Douglas "T" Van Ness. Come back regularly for sim updates, tovarisch.
What the Hell Kind of Name is That?
SNN scientists are still trying to figure this one out -- USS Arleigh Burke. Now in its first month of service, the Burke was the most recent addition to Fleet 2 after AFComm Mark "Largo y Bach" Longanbach and mascot Bob the Blob. The ship is commanded by a former STF member who, coincidentally, commanded a ship called Arleigh Burke back in his STF-Prodigy days. The man is Mike Bowman, known affectionately as STF Mike VII (or maybe not, the jury's still sequestered on that one). Onlookers have called into question not only the mental stability of the CO, but also the name of the ship. "Arleigh Burke?" said one, who actually spoke, in italics, the name of the ship. "I thought it was some kind of goo in a pastry crust." This goo, as described by the anonymous respondant, is no doubt part of B.J. "Flathead" Phillips's plot to overtake STF (quote: "I shall cover the entire club in a thick chocolate sauce and devour it." Unquote).
| CURRENT NEWS |
|
Larry Garfield Mass-Mails; Parents Mortified
For the past month now, FComm-4 and Constellation GM Larry "Schwitzer" Garfield has mass-mailed obscure (yet hysterical) jokes to many a person on his significant mailing list. Such topics of hilarity include (but are not limited to): ways to "thank" the IRS as you send in your tax return, funny computer help stories, and Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road (appearing in Aye no. 8). Researchers at the Los Alamos National Laboratory have begun investigating probable reasons why and how Garfield gets these jokes; these investigations come between leaking information to the Chinese and STF Mike "I'm doing this for my country" Bob I. More on this story as it becomes relevant.
STF Representatives Meet at Yalta
In an attempt to sort out the dealings of Dessert War '99, parties from all sides have met to discuss terms at Yalta IV in the Gamma Balkan system. The Church of Sisko and Blue Jello [sic], which are essentially the same (making them co-incident), sent Prime Minister Larry "The Churchinator" Garfield; Red Jell-O sent noted stenographer Seamus "Charles Evans" Hughes; and Orange Jell-O could send its only follower, Michael "Kill my enemies with secret police and famine?" Bourdaa. After many stolid hours of quiet deliberation, the three emerged wearing not only each other's clothes, but looks of closure and completion, indicating that a settlement had been reached.
Under the terms of the agreement, Blue Jello [sic] would remove its forces from the Europe system, leaving Red and Orange Jell-Os to maintain power. Orange would take over several countries as it defeated the evil Cookies & Milk Reich, no doubt leading to a micromilled duranium foam curtain that would divide the planet Germania into north and south sides. Expect a Lukewarm War between Orange and Red for the next forty years.
Phantom Menace Uncovered
Researchers from planet Tatooine this week uncovered the identity of the so-called Phantom Menace, using a variety of very complicated and boring procedures. After fingerprinting every sentient being in the known galaxy (this means you, Data!) they have arrived at the conclusion that the Phantom Menace is STF Vice-President Colin "Mussoilini" Wyers.
"Of course he is," says Tatooine Ecological Testing And Nautical Underwriting Systematics (TETANUS) President Werner Palpatine, "our facilities are the best in the galaxy for finding evil, and they have confirmed that Mr. Wyers is indeed the 'phantom menace' so described by ancient texts. You don't believe me? So be it. Now, young Reporter, you will die." Mr. Palpatine then electrocuted our reporter and cackled manically.
What isn't funny, though, is why exactly this Wyers person is the Phantom Menace. USS Montgomery NE Ensign (j.g.) Kenny said, "He's mad, mad I tell you! Mad!" Kenny continued like this for four hours until the space station Mir fell on him. Experts can only assume that Colin Wyers had something to do with that. For the rest of us, however, we must be warned and not elect this Wyers to any high positions, or he might take control of the galaxy.
| KILOQUAD CODE CRACKED |
|
H. Simon Gregory
Binary code. 1s and 0s. 0s and 1s. And, or, not? Binary code is for losers, however. STF now has the quadernary code, developed by Titania CO Nathan "Steve" Miller, IDir Mike "Who says I like Berkley?" Bourdaa, and AFComm-1 Mark "I certainly don't like Berkley" Wilson.
The quadernary code is the key to understanding the kiloquad, the Star Trek method of computer calculation. Sure, I know that your good friend Mike Okuda designed the kQ so that it wouldn't be equatable to anything modern. He failed, though -- the quad is what gave it away. And if you pay attention, I'll tell you just how 63 mB is equal to one kQ.
Listen: there are four operations in the quadernary code. This is the part of the theory that comes from Mr. Bourdaa. We're not sure what the four operations are, but there are four of them.
The number of calculations in the system times two times that number equals the number of "bits" in one "byte." It works in the binary system like this: 2(4) = 8 bits in one byte. In quadernary, it looks like this: 4(8) = 32 bits in one byte. Now, the number of bits in one byte times two times that number equals the largest bit in a byte. In our system, this largest bit is 128, obtained as such: 8(16) = 128. In quadernary: 32(64) = 2048. And finally, multiplying the largest bit in the byte by the number of bits in the byte equals the size of the kilobyte. For us: 128(8) = 1024. For them: 2048(32) = 65536. So, dividing 65,536 by 1024 equals 64,000 even. So, the kiloquad is 64000 times larger than the kilobyte. This means, conversely, that 1 kilobyte is 0.0064 kiloquads. Multiplying both sides by 1000, we realize that 1 megabyte is equal to 64 kiloquads.
There. The answer you've been waiting for. If you feel that some of the logic is flawed (which it is, trust us), write to mwilson32@hotmail.com or mhb@delta.fullerton.edu or
Poo-tee-weet?
| A LOOK INSIDE |
|
Joseph Stalin
Soviet dictator and Communist leader Joseph "I popped the clutch; my car is" Stalin was a bit peeved that he is remembered as . . . well, a Communist dictator and Soviet leader. He came to us [read: intimidated us] and asked us to do an interview with him. We think he's made amends. You should [read: will] too.
1. How is
Russia this time of year?
Cold, like
the corpses of my enemies that I had killed.
2. Do you
like bread?
Da!
I also like Peace and Land to go with that bread, but we both know that
none of it will happen, Tovarisch.
3. Trotsky.
What went wrong?
He cheated
at poker, I cheated at poker. He wanted power, I wanted power.
I forced him into exile, and continued cheating at poker and wanting power.
4. In a
no-holds-barred cage match, who would win: Karl Marx or John Locke?
A tough question,
Comrade. They both advocate revolution in the face of oppression
. . . but Marx is a much bigger person. Merely sitting on Locke would
do the job.
5. What's
the best think about living in Russia?
Let me think
. . . the power, the fear instilled in the hearts of the citizens, the
alliances that grant me more power . . . da, all of those.
6. "Power
corrupts. And absolute power corrupts absolutely." Has this
been true in your experience?
Open a history
book, Tovarisch.
7. Do you
think Cruschev did a good job?
He was a lonely
child, but he was okay. It's Gorbachev I have the problem with.
Argh!
8. Say "Peter
Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers" five times fast.
I hope this
"Peter Piper" fellow is picking on his own time.
9. How's
Castro these days?
He doesn't
seem too bad. In fact, the boy reminds me of myself as a dictator.
10.Who is
your favorite Super Friend and why?
Lex Luthor,
for obvious reasons, Comrade.
| FLEET TEAB™ |
|
When noted Warrior Faith "Anne" Bronsing told us about her lifelong dream of working for SNN we were curious, believing she wanted money. No, miss Bronsing only wanted to join the twisted menagerie of terror that is the Starfleet News Network. So, without further ado about something, Headline News brings you Fleet Teab™, called such because WeBBSights took the name "Fleet Beat." You can figure out the joke yourself.
Fleet
Two and Freud: GM's Utilization of the CNS Position
By Myrri Feline,
Fleet
Correspondent, USS Arleigh Burke
Each ship has a counselor or a doctor who fills the role of emotional supporter, but right now in Fleet Two they are getting their work out. On the USS Nautilus they are on the brink of insanity due to a mischieveous Jello anomaly from none other than Guru of the Blue Larry Garfield. The Jello was said to have degraded from its true blue form to red in approximately 16 hours (SNN does not say that it was actually degraded, but that it changed, and if you have a problem with the wording talk to Mark he said I could say it.). The crew has been having wild cravings for all kinds of Jello. Nora "YES! there really are ten Warriorwing sisters" Warriorwing, the operator of the Angel's Haven (a bar that appears on all ships that contain Warriorwing sisters), has recorded record-high sales of the rubberesque substance. "They are crazy over it. It is as if nothing else exists." We are hoping that the crew of the Nautilus will prevail over the madness and proceed on their mission. The Counselor Callandra "I should have been a lawyer not a Counsilor" Navagatrix has been working around the clock to assist her captain and crew. We only hope her logic prevails in time. We wish the Nautilus speed and safety.
In terms of
safety we can only hope that the crew of the USS Arleigh Burke make
it safely away from GM Colin "this will only hurt a little" Wyers.
He has captured them and is requesting command codes from the XO.
The bridge crew has been arrested, and is waiting for the captain to appear.
Appearantly the Captain, Mike "I'm finally back on the same ship" Bowman
and XO Myrri "Yes I write for SNN" Feline, chose to violate their orders
and rescue some passers by and now the USS
Lexington
has come into attack position and is threatening to open fire. The
Counselor here is going to have her hands full with recovering hostages.
Lord help her when Colin "Okay, so it hurt more than I thought it would"
Wyres is finished with them. May they not be completely scarred.
Okay, so neither
ship has anything to do with Freud, and Myrri couldn't have done the report
for the Nautilus because she has been arrested on the Burke; but
this is news, and the counselors are it. They are the second hottest
item today next to JELLO.
| HERE'S THE CHECK, SIR |
|
Augh!
Looks like we really shouldn't have indulged in that Thalian chocolate mousse. That's okay, since we can put it on the SNN account (like Larry "Sanders" Garfield doesn't). Sure it's been a long time since we last prodded your brain with assorted pitchforks and obscure jokes, like this one, but rest assured that we've returned from a vacation to wherever it is we went. And like WeBBSights, which also returned from a vacation, we have found little or no news-worthy news to put into this edition. On the plus side, we did discover the true meaning of Veteran's Day.
To quote Hamlet, " 'Tis a far better motto I give than I have ever given before, that of 'Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting' of STF events makes mine eyes sing as though they are drenched in a summer rain." Admittedly, Hamlet was plastered that particular day but his words live on in infamy (famy?). The motto of Headline News is indeed the aforementioned one (the former, not the latter).
Join us next time when we bring you up-to-date news and a very nasty sunburn. Headline News advises you to stay in the shade and use a 15+ SPF lotion when sunbathing. Before we forget, the next issue will feature the first article from Fleet 2 Correspondent Faith "Anne" Bronsing (alias Angel Warriorwing, alias Angel Doe, alias D.B. Warriorwing), an up-and-coming star in the wubbulous world of SNN. Until the next issue, we wish you all the best that Mafioso money can afford. Da Davorishka!
Published SD 9928.05 (99052.8)
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Transcripted to make protein by
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