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| FROM THE COCONUT RADIO |
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Gilligan's Island Theme Edition
Welcome, fellow castaways (what else can you be if you're reading this?) to Headline News's first-ever theme edition. Rather than choose a show or book with creditbility, we opted for the easy laugh: Gilligan's Island. Not many people know this, but the story of Gilligan's Island is a true story; it took place in 1922 off the coast of Norway . . . this just in . . . the above information is false. Strap on your lifeboats, passengers, this boat can only go one way from here.
Den Hannigan Escapes Island
He's been called the Plumber, the Captain, and the Southern Dandy. There are several other names that he has been called behind his back, as well. In any case, this man is Dennis "G. Gordon Liddy" Hannigan, FComm-1 and S.S. Ark Angel skipper. For months now, he has been plagued by constant computers problems, coupled by extensive law school training that will enable him to become the bloodsucking lawyer he's always wanted to be. Two weeks ago, Dennis Hannigan handed in his resignation.
Hannigan joined STF in 1993 (I'm guessing on this one) and has been immortalized for his recently resurrected periodical, "Plumber's United News (PUN)." It is unknown to this reporter how the title of Plumber was thrust upon him, probably by slaying one of the beasts that plagued the Ark Angel's hot water pipes (and for a brief moment of terror, the cold water pipes). Only six months ago, Hannigan was promoted to Commodore by then STF Skipper Mike "Lots of sheets of particle board make a plywood-a" Bourdaa. Curiously, this was about the same time (exactly the same) that the Victorious was moved to Fleet 1 after a stay in the GWF. Now that he is gone, we'll miss him even more since he isn't here to say he won't be here. Goodbye, Plumber Hannigan, keeper of the Golden Plunger. We'll call when the monster acts up again.
Spurlin Calls for New F1 Ship
Responding to a need for more ships in STF, STF Skipper Bob "Brave and what?" Spurlin has ordered that another ship (to be named in the future, which is to say, after the present time) is to be commissioned in Fleet 1. "You know, where it says TBA!" he told our reporter. Currently, Fleet 1 Skipper Dennis "The plumber, too" Hannigan and his First Mate Mark "These coconuts are going to lobotomize me" Wilson are drafting plans for a coconut radio to be outfitted to this ship as well as a class specification. Wilson originally delved into the mind of Fleet 6 Skipper Colin "So you're saying Mary Anne isn't 'attactched'?" Wyers for the new Independence specs, but both Wyers and Spurlin remained confident that a resort can be successfully built on the Island. The jury is still out on the Independence idea.
Dessert War '99 Comes to a Close
After several months of unnecessary and sometimes eclectic warfare, the so-called Dessert War '99 has come to a grinding halt. "That's okay," notes STF Dean of Students Laurence O. Howell IV. "Blue Jello [sic] won this time and they'll do it again next time. Do you have any butter?" This particular war was famed because of the introduction of non-Jell-O foodstuffs into the match. Such abberations as milk, cookies, and cheesecake turned the conflict from a "Jell-O" war to a "Dessert" war. Jason "I swam to shore" Brocklesby, noted STF personality, commented, "WeBB? What WeBB? Are you doing this lame joke AGAIN? It's not funny! Ballway learned that; why can't you?!" He disappeared shortly thereafter and could not be reached for comment. Persons lejos del Dessert War tell us that Blue Jello [sic] won the conflict . . . but Red Jell-O will win someday.
The new challenge to Red Jell-O comes in the form of a lawsuit from Blue Jello [sic]. They contest that Red's "La Tienda de Tecnologia" is a cheap imitation (in Spanish) of Blue's "Technology Shop." Scott Jones is the presiding justice in the case, with FComm-4 Larry "There's no 'w' in Laurence!" Garfield representing Blue, and aFComm-1 Mark "There's no 'w' in Mark!" Wilson representing Red. Rent-a-Experts hired by Headline News have noted that most Jell-O wars these days end in some kind of trial. This allusion is to the '98 IRC wars, where a trial as to the fairness of Blue's win was held. It was later determined that the so-called Sisko used his powers fairly. "I can't imagine what it would have been like if he hadn't pushed Edith Keeler out of the way," stammered a senile old man (obviously PDir Greg "Lurch" Hertzsch). "The whole timeline would have changed!"
Upperclassmen LOAs Have STF Wondering
"STF is experiencing AWOLs and LOAs up the [wazoo]," noted PD skipper Greg "I'll kill for that hammock" Hertzsch. "They need to be given a [blank] up their [blank]." Hertzsch never spoke truer (or more vulgar) words. Many of STF's integral commanders, como former USS Olympic skipper Jim "Can I be the movie star?" Armstrong, Brandon "I swam to shore with Brocklesby" Goodin, and Victorious First Mate Alan "Mighty sailor what?" Felts. Skipper Spurlin's recent edict tried to repair AWOL damage, but STF wants to know why such AWOLs are happening.
Professor Seamus R. Hughes of the Desert Isle Institute of Technology (DIIT) explains the phenomeon, saying, "What we have here are a combination of end-of-school or college-type work that is due that causes people to be AWOL. In some instances, it is competely unexpected, like Mr. Goodin's computer malfunctions. Whatever the case, I advise all of you to listen to the coconut radio for further details."
| UNQUESTIONED ANSWERS |
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H. Simon Gregory
This IS the Gilligan's Island edition, so I might as well ask the question: "How did they get off the island?" Obviously if there was a follow-up film, titled "Return to Gilligan's Island," they made if off of their somehow; in that film they built a resort there! I have asked the opinions of several leading scientists (living and dead). Here are their answers.
PROFESSOR STEVEN HAWKING
"It is my belief that everyone on the island ended up there through a phenomenon that caused space and time to distort briefly, propelling the castaways onto the island. How they returned from the island can be easily explained; the island itself was a black hole. Due to radio (and possibly gamma) waves given off by the Professor's coconut radio, the black hole remained inactive; when it was shut off, the black hole sucked in -- for lack of a better word -- the castaways and deposited them in a different time and place; namely, time had advanced thirty-four hours and the castaways were on the shore."
DR. SIGMUND FREUD"In asking this question, you show the world your own sexual aberrations. Your opening sentence phraseology of 'pronoun - verb - article - possessive noun - noun - noun' shows that you have a strong desire for women with brown hair. Using this piece of information, we can discern that it was YOU who rescued the Castaways, seeing as how you had a lust for Mary Anne and believed that the Professor was invading your space."
ALBERT EINSTEIN
"My theory of special relativity clearly shows that because time and space are curved, the castaways were in fact closer to home on the island than they were when they were home. The equation E = mc^2 indicates that energy is equal to mass times the speed of light squared. Let us assume that the total mass of the castaways was 1,500 pounds. Multiplying this by the speed of light squared, we arrive at the answer of 5.1894 X 10^13. For simplicity's sake, we'll round it to 5.2 X 10^13. This means that the energy generated collectively by the castaways was enough to propel them home. What was the question again?"
| JOIN US HERE EACH WEEK MY FRIEND |
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You're Sure to Get a Smile
There's not enough dignity left here at SNN Center in Chicago (or our branch office in Cleveland) to make us finish the song. In any event, it's been totally tubular coming up with Gilligan's Island-themed things for you (it's also been mind-numbing. We're down to the last carton of Prozac). In lieu of anything more to say, we prevent the unabridged lyrics to Gilligan's Island, entitled "The Ballad of Gilligan's Isle." Mothers, send the kids out of the room.
Just sit right
back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of
a fateful trip,
That started
from this tropic port
Aboard this
tiny ship.
The mate was
a mighty sailor-man,
the Skipper
brave and true;
Five passengers
set sail that day for a three-hour tour.
A three-hour
tour.
The weather
started getting rough,
The tiny ship
was tossed.
If not for
the courage of the fearless crew, the Minnow would be lost.
The Minnow
would be lost.
The ship ran
aground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle,
With Gilligan,
The Skipper
too.
The Millionaire,
and his wife.
The movie
star,
The Professor
and Mary Anne, here on Gilligan's Isle!
The First Mate
and his skipper, too, will do their very best
To keep the
others comfortable in their tropic island nest.
No lights!
No phones!
No motor cars!
Not a single
luxury.
Like Robinson
Ca-rusoe, it's primitive as can be.
So join us
here each week my friend,
You're sure
to get a smile;
From seven
stranded castaways,
Here on Gilligan's
Isle!
As always, we must adhere like barnacles to our desert-isle grounded Journalistic Motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF events. Coming up next week (or possibly the week after this one), more news and a regular edition that will give you a break from listening to the rantings and ravings of lunatics such as us. Speaking of lunatics, why do we refer to ourselves in the first person plural? There's only one person writing this, us! I mean . . . us! Which is to say . . . us! We'll figure this out next week, or kill each other trying.
Published SD 9917.06 (99061.7)
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Dry-cleaned by
