EXTRA!  EXTRA!  AFComm Alan Felts demands surrender

This just in from our affiliate WKRP in Cinncinatti -- the war is over!  Early on SD 9901.07 (99070.1), an unnamed party (henceforward "unnamed") sabotaged the SB 277 MOTD, leaving nothing.  Like the Borg, the masked assailant deleted the entire MOTD, effectively scooping SB 277 off the map without a trace.  Incidentally, the character of AFComm-6 Alan "Latexes" Felts was also deleted.

Due to this wild and "uncalled for" (thanks, Seamus) action, Felts has demanded the surrender of Fleet 5 and the release of his favorite gerbil, Captain America.  Onlookers said they weren't surprised this happened; the Wars gradually got more forceful and less "fun" as members of the warring Fleets (5 & 3 vs. 1 & 6) stooped to new lows in modifying MOTDs and altering characters' stats.  "I told him [Seamus "Blue's Clues" Hughes] to use the Force," said the disembodied voice of the Ghost of Jason Brocklesby.  "It just goes to show you, the more things change, the more SNN uses this outdated joke that makes no sense to WeBBers."

New FComm-1, Ark Angel CO named

After a two-week delay later explained by his living on the west coast, STF President Bob "I am not a cook" Spurlin published the names of the newest FComm-1 and Ark Angel commanding officer in Edict no. 15.  The latter turned out to be STF mainstay and fashion critic Randy "It's the end of the world" McCullick.  The former was none other than Headline News poobah Mark "I don't dare ask what those teeth are for, Grandmother" Wilson, AFComm-1 and heir apparent to the Throne (yes, kids, a joke on the nom de plume of former FComm-1 Dennis "Hastert" Hannigan).  In an interview with Headline News, McCullick noted how overjoyed he was at being named the new CO.  "I won both showcases!  I can't believe it!" he exclaimed.  McCullick was less enthusiastic when he was informed he merely won the captaincy of a ship and not . . . a new car!

This shuffling of command officers is (hopefully) the end of a long journey for Fleet 1 -- one that began when it came to the WeBB.  Since then, FComms and AFComms and COs in the Fleet have shuffled and re-shuffled the once-familiar rosters, containing the names of STF greats like former Ark Angel XO Kevin "I'm terrific at hide-and-seek!" Blomseth and former Victorious CSO Seamus "Diffuse" Hughes.

Headline News gets massive overhaul

We asked ourselves one day, "Selves, why exactly is it that children are frightened by Headline News?"  The answers varied from our smell to how frequently we take out the garbage at 515 SNN Center.  The most surprising answer came from ourself, who noted that our web page was absolutely hideous.  Bearing this in mind, we took a hint from the Ark Angel's excellently designed MOTD (designed by XO Ken "We don't need no stinkin' queen!" Leigh-Smith) and revamped the look of this periodical.

We asked ourselves another question.  "Selves," we said, "what is it that all the other electronic periodicals have?"  Again, the answers varied and somehow the garbage issue was resurrected, but it was later unanimously decided that the starfield background ("starfield.gif" to you, "imgStarbkg.gif" to me) was the most common thread.  We took ourselves to the printer's shop and demanded a look that was decidedly different from the rest of the so-called "WeBBpapers" out there.  The printer, John Jacob Atkins, came up with this little number -- black on white, much easier to read than yellow on black.  In fact, Headline News is the first STF electronic periodical to deviate from the black-background norm.  Tell us what you think of this new design, or we'll be forced to hold another meeting to discuss garbage and newspaper design (which quite often go together).

War between the Fleets

It seems tha during the last Post War, the USS Seraph was never formally awarded with a trophy or plaque or whatever it was to receive for winning the war.  Rather than do anything even remotely sensible, Fleet 5 has decided to go to war over its status as most-posting ship in STF.  Its prey?  The docile "Fleet 6th," named this peculiar way by FComm-6 Seamus "The View" Hughes.  The attack on Nikolle "A female Matt Burch is a" Burchette should come as no surprise, since the Seraph became the property of F5 only months after it was inaugurated into F6.  Not to be outdone, the GM department has declared its ally to be Fleet 5, while Fleet 1 has joined the conflict on the side of Fleet 6.  The war has been confined to screwing with other Fleets' MOTDs and putting silly characters on the Rosters.  Recently, it was discovered the the USS Ares was sympathetic to Fleet 5.  Today, the Ares is as well-known a traitor as Benedict Arnold or Mata Hari.

Fleet 6 General Seamus Patton elaborated on why he is fighting over the Seraph: "To satisfy my urge for wild mammoth.  In my past life, I was a prehistoric warrior who battled for fresh mammoth and warred for pastures anew."  Fleet 5 General Nikolle MacArthur also offered a comment: "I shall be returning.  Which is to say, we'll all come back now, y'here?!"  In the midst of all this crisis, Fleet 6 Statesman Alan Churchill was quite calm.  "We will fight in the air and in the seas," he said, "we shall fight in the streets and in the valleys.  We shall never give up."  STF President Abraham Spurlin does not want a civil war to break out.  "C'mon, folks, it's only been two-score years ago that our fathers wrought forth onto Prodigy a new club, conceived in war an dedicated to the proposition that we should all have cherry pancakes!"

 

IN THE BRIEFS

Dessert Trial '99 put on hold

Following a lengthy question-and-answer period in which Technology Shop counsel Larry "The Liquidator" Garfield interrogated Technology Shop owner Jason "Bruce" Lee, it was learned that Mr. Lee would have to pause his time on the stand.  Sources cerca de Headline News tell us that Mr. Lee is in dire need of studying for finals and his testimony will be picked up from a later date.  It is unknown at this time who the next witness for the Technology Shop will be.

Shagadelic, baby!

It's been a while, but finally we can report on the opening of Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.  I was there.  I saw it.  So did O'Hare.  It was a hysterical movie, to say the least.  Headline News asks all true patriots to go see the movie whenever possible.  Otherwise, you'll be left out of so many inside jokes both here and in the OOC (where we are, also).

Another fine Hughes product

FComm-6 Seamus "Down" Hughes made a bold and beautiful attempt toward organization last week with his DH Recommendation List.  Found at http://members.tripod.com/aywebb/DHlist.html, this is a list of junior officers who have been recommended by COs for DH positions.  Mr. Hughes intends to take all the joy out of hunting for a new DH, as COs merely need to look to this page for their answers.  Just when searching for COs high and low and asking them about certain people was getting to be my daily exercise, too.

 

IN THE HOT SEAT

R-E-M-p-e-c-t: find out what it means to Fleet 1

Okay, we admit it.  We have no new interviews.  This is filler, boys and girls!  That said, we present the re-run of AFComm-1 Randy "The 5th Element" McCullick's interview from . . . a long time ago.  We promise to have a new, funny, and "spoon!" interview for you next time.  For now, enjoy Mr. McCullick's rantings and ravings as we pause for our naptime.  Headline News reminds readers that the "Interview" idea was originally Aye on the WeBB's.  Of course, it stole the idea from WeBBSights.  Now, who says two wrongs don't make a right?  Mathematically, it's correct.

1. Got change for a dollar?
    Actually, yes.

2. Got a place I can bury a body -- no questions asked?
    Nope. 'Fraid not. They're already occupied.

3. I say "Willy Davis," you say...
    Kill Izzy.

4. When in Rome, do as the Romans do.  What if the Romans come to you?
    If the Romans came to me, then I'd get them to join STF.....on second thought...maybe not...

5. Let's say the Romans are in Greece on a vacation.  Then what happens?
    Well, off hand, I'd say you'd corner the Greek food and olive oil market and make a killing.

6. In a no-holds barred cage match, who would win: Dear Abby or Ann Landers?
    Dear Abby via a folding chair. No doubt.

7. You once served as President of STF.  Describe the type of carpeting in the Prez's office.
    Originally, the carpeting was left overshag from the 60s. After my administation, however it was replaced due to Maalox stains.

8. "He who laughs last laughs best."  Has this been true in your experience?
    No, "He who laughs last winds up with fist in mouth." has been my experience. I think       Confucious said that.

9. Did you ever wonder whose job it is to make sure all the bristles on a toothbrush aren't bent?
    No, not really. Now that you mention it, however, I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight.  D'OH!

10. Who is your favorite Super Friend?
    Marvin. I always voted for the wimpy types.

 

H. SIMON GREGORY

Mr. Ballway goes to Mentor

Several weeks ago, my geographic position enabled me to meet the inscrutable Mike "Moran" Ballway, FComm-2 and Constellation CO.  Previous to this, the only other people who have survived a Ballway attack were his partner in crime FComm-4 Larry "Bird" Garfield, Ark Angel CO Randy "REM" McCullick, and Merlin CO Jeremy "Sauteedman" Friedman.    Judging by their current psyhcological condition, they must have been very traumatized (or else they were always that way).

I had the opportunity to talk with Mr. Ballway in the airport terminal as he was waiting for his luggage (Cleveland Heights is very far away).  He told me in detail his life story -- living on a planet light years from ours, being shot to Earth as it exploded, having powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men, and rooting for the Cubs.  I was also told about the true nature of Larry Garfield.  "That isn't his real hair," said Ballway.  "His real hair was attached to the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney."  I was also filled in on a great amount of STF history that I had previously known nothing about -- the Command Crisis, his own tenure with Fleet 2, and why Colin Wyers was a vampire.

Philosophical discussions of the nature of the designated hitter, Dick Feagler, and Barry Goldwater were also a part of the day.  We toured the finer sections Mentor -- the K-Mart, the mall, the historic section where 100 year-old buildings were torn down to make room for a Rite-Aid.  Mr. Ballway offered a comment about Mentor.  "This is ri-godamm-diculous," he said.  "There's nothing to do in this down!"  I concurred, and soon he told me about Chicago and how organized crime there is better than organized crime in Cleveland.  "We had Al Capone.  You had Art Modell."  I could only point out that the entire South Side gang put together had more morals than Modell.

Among the many things he showed me was the SNN-mobile.  What sounds like it must be a Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow is nothing more than a white Ford Escort with a mysterious dent in the side.  This isn't to say it's a bad car; it's just not a Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow (then again, neither is a Corvette).  There was also the Cubs hat.  No one in their right mind should walk into Indians country wearing a Cubs hat.  "It could have been worse," he pointed out.  "It could have been a Yankees hat."  Well said, Mr. Ballway.

The end of the column is near.  At this point I should note that none of the direct quotes are Mike Ballway's.  He did wear a Cubs hat, though, and did drive the SNN-mobile that was described.  To some, he seems elusive and phantasmic, like a ghost or an honest politican.  There is nothing mysterious about Mike Ballway, though.  He is an ordinary person that speaks ordinarily and looks ordinary and drives and ordinary car.  Be forewarned, though; Mike Ballway is as far from ordinary.  After all, he's Mike Ballway.

 

CLOSING REMARKS

The port is near, the bells I hear

. . . the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;
But O heart!  heart!  heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
    Where on the deck my Captain lies,
        Fallen cold and dead.

This is one place you won't see Abraham Lincoln dying, however.  This is SNN Headline News II.37, presenting itself to you in the "renovation" style.  If you don't like it, we don't like it (though secretly, we like it).  That means it is bodily torn apart and the old ways are re-instituted.  Our methodology is as described in the second article: it looks different!  As Arby's (the restaurant, not the F2 ship) is fond of saying, "Different is good."  Then again, Hershey's believes that "change is bad."  That's why everyone loves advertising!

As always, we swear on the sweatsocks of former heavyweight champion George Foreman that SNN Headline News will stick like athlete's foot to its odious Journalistic Motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting of STF Events," a Motto that until this time last year was the Motto of STF institution SNN Update (it really was an institution, though.  Why else, then, was it written by Mike Ballway?).

Coming up next time: hopefully a scandal will break within STF and we'll have more news to bring.  Otherwise, we'll attack the President ourself and report live from the scene (an SNN first!).  Stay tuned for our continuing coverage of Dessert Trial '99 as Jason Y. Lee studies for finals and the defense waits and waits for a chance at some of the prosecution's witnesses.  Always eat your peas -- we can see you, we have eyes in the back of our head.