HEADLINES

History repeats itself (again) in #star-fleet

You read it here first!  It seemed like such an uneventful day in #star-fleet, the only IRC chat room whose topic begins with "www.star-fleet.com:"  Then, STF President Bob "We all go a little mad sometimes" Spurlin entered and de-opped STF Engineering genius Owen "New York is much larger than most" Townes.  His reasons: well, only AOPs should have OPs.  Townes then became upset, noting that Athena CO B.J. "Bishop" Phillips and Victorious CO Mark "Brian" Wilson had been given OPs.  Soon the discussion turned violent, with Townes pouring his little heart out to Spurlin, resulting in the quote, "And I recall that Seamus got OPs and an FComm and just about everything else he wants by being a thorn in the side of everyone else."  Curiously, Hughes didn't get upset and instead made that quote the topic of the chat room.

Townes's biggest beef was that he had toiled for five years, with hardly a command position to show for it, and others came in and within a few months had captaincies and FComms.  He then said that as soon as he could wrap up some sims, he would resign.  Rather than turn him away from this dark alleyway filled with muggers and pop singers, Spurlin egged him on more, then became angry with Townes and banned him from the room (a power of the IDir).  Headline News  says, "Is the Spurlinator a good diplomat, or does he let his anger get the best of him, making sporadic decisions that are regretted later?"  You decide, which should be hard since we'll give you our biased opinion of the Spurlin administration in a little while.

America celebrates 'Independence Day'

July 4 is a day for celebration in America, a day to remember the signing of the Declaration of Independence. It's a day that commemorates the founding of our country and our split from Great Britain. It's also the day we fought back.

Yes, folks, it was on July 4, 1997 that the world fought back alien invaders that had come to ransack the planet. Using disc-shaped ships 15 miles in diameter, the beings destroyed major earth cities within minutes. Thanks to expert work by Jeff Golblum, President Bill Pullman was saved so that he could lead the counter-offensive on the attackers. Golblum and companion Captain Will Smith used a stolen alien ship to plant a nuclear device in the mother ship (which was 1/4 the size of the Moon).

These heroes will be forever remembered for their conviction and sacrifice in defending the Earth from the invaders. Captain Will Smith is back this summer, defending 19th century America from evil Kenneth Branaugh.

Bourdaa secures WeBB; more flies expected captured

As a result of last week's incident involving the deletion of SB277(6)'s MOTD, STF IDir to the Stars Mike "There's a Krebs in my Citric Acid Cycle!" Bourdaa instituted some changes in the effWeBB program that allows STFers to post messages before reading all of the messages on a ship, resulting in sheepish "ignore that first one" messages. The major change is a log that records when an MOTD is changed, who changed it, and when. Quiet patriots agreed that effWeBB 2.1.4 was a major change over 2.1, something that software experts expected in the future.

Some STFers demanded more, like STF President Mike "The donuts are after me again" Spurlin. The leader of STF's Continental Congress demanded that FComms and COs edit their MOTDs and only their MOTDs. He also tossed about an idea that would severely limit the MOTD editing priveleges of current FComms. IDir Bourdaa thought of a system where FComms could only edit the MOTDs in their fleet, then added, "But that's a lot of work. Me no like the work. Sleep now. Good night."

 

IN THE BRIEFS

Ballway makes mistake in numbering; few resort to cannibalism

Way back in the Vol. I Prodigy edition, we lost track of our issue number after No. 8.  SNN Executive Editor Mike "Memory Alpha my ano!" Ballway reported then that we were at issue 12.  So, we calmly packed up our bags and began with issue 12.  What he failed to tell us then was that he did not count three issues -- 9, 10, and 11, which we noticed were missing from our archives.  Using advanced technology that allows him to go back in time and retreive them from Bulletin Board Note Manager, all will be well in the future.  But a warning: do not ask this person to keep track of your finances.  You or someone you love could be horribly scarred!

Latest GMD report inspires fear; multimillion-dollar musical

This week's Report of the Department of Gamemasters (under the union Men Playing God Local 420) was not a very happy kind of report, like Fleet 2's or Fleet 7's.  AGMDir (and interviewee) Stuart "Long-distance" Coll showed dismay at a number of ship sims, among them the Constellation's and Oed V's.  It should be interesting to note that both of Fleet 1's ships received excellent GM reviews, which just goes to show you that Fleet 1 is better than Fleet 2.  Rumors abound that Carol Channing (or at least the remains of her face) will come out of retirement to play the part of Coll in GM Report: The Musical.

Contraband Election bids cause massive hysteria

Some STFers, already in the votin' and arguin' mood, have decided to begin the race for the next Gloustershire a little early.  The "some STFers" in this case is Ginger "Magic" Johnson, who announced her bid for the Office of the President this week.  Articles of Organization heckler Larry "The only President with a home in Mentor, OH was" Garfield reminded Miss Johnson that Election junk didn't clutter the boards until October, and her announcement was null and void.  Johnson became angry and attacked Garfield, relying on a nearby sledgehammer to knock him into next Thursday.  At last report, Garfield was undergoing surgery to have all left-wing tendencies removed from his brain (under the knife of Dr. Michael "There's definitely a likeable side to Pat Buchanan" Ballway).

Optometrists say, 'New format bad for eyes'

The American Optometric, er, Optometrical, er, Optomometri . . . well, some very important people who at least moonlight as optometrists have said the Headline News's new format can cause severe retinal damage.  Dr. William Pilgrim cautions, "The background makes the text hard to read,  and thus readers squint until their retinas are so worn they need new retina pads and shock absorbers."  Some (us) were quick to point out that Pilgrim's trips through time were the cause of this statement, but we're scrounging the Internet for more vision-friendly backgrounds.  Stay tuned for details as they become abducted by aliens and are forced to live in captivity with actress Monica Wildhack.

Royko beats Feagler

What has been called "The battle of the cities" and "Who is 'Feagler,' anyway?" has ended. Over the long week, FComm-1 and Headline News bureau chief Mark "But Ma said I could play in traffic" Wilson admitted that the late Chicago staple Mike Royko was a better columnist than current Cleveland fastener Dick Feagler. While Wilson acknowledged that Royko was a better writer, he still maintains that both Feagler and Royko are cut from the same piece of cheese. Here's your 50 bucks, Mike. Now go back to Fleet 2 and keep quiet.

 

IN THE HOT SEAT

Stuart Coll: AGMDir, Spanish-speaker, Irishman

There are only three people in STF that speak Spanish fluently, and two of those people are Mike "Enjoy these fantastic sponge cakes" Ballway. The other person has to be Stuart "It's a collect" Coll. But there's more to the Stuart Coll story than mere factos. For instance, does the man jay-walk? Play the slots? Rent boats and then leave them in the middle of the sea? None of these questions were asked, but you'll chuckle (or writhe) at the questions we have asked.

1. The Irish are stereotyped for drinking.  But what kind of liquor is there in Spain?
All kinds. Don´t ask me to list them all<g>

2. Explain very delicately to readers the difference between año (with a tilde) and ano (without a tilde).
Well año is a word meaning year and ano is not a word at all. Interesting huh? [Actually, "ano" without the tilde is Spanish for . . . well, for your behind.  Can't put it any more graphically, this is a G-rated periodical.  --Ed.]

3. Do you ever wear a funny hat?  If so, what kind?  If not, mock us for our ignorance.
I mock you for your ignorance. Funny hat? We don´t need no steenking funny hats!

4. In a no-holds-barred cage match, who would win: Queen Isabella or St. Patrick (this is a terrible decision)?
La Reina Católica could kick his arse no problem. St Patrick is tough, real tough - equivalent to a mafia legbreaker but he´s not in her league. She could beat up The Terminator, the US marines and Barney the Dinosaur.

5. What is the bloodiest, most gory death you can imagine giving a character?
I´m not that kind of a GM. Why kill them when it´s so much more fun to keep them alive and prolong their agony? Did I say that last bit out loud?

6. Do you feel lucky, punk?
Yes very very lucky to have been chosen as your interviewee. Was that all right? Sincere enough for you?

7. Should Star Wars Episode I have been called The E! True Hollywood Story: Anakin Skywalker?
*bops Mark over the head with a NE*  I´ll let you know when I see it on August 20th!

8. Name the dozen-or-so different Spanish tenses.
I´m an English teacher not a spanish one<g>.  All right, go and study Zen philosophy for forty years and then you´ll be ready to study the imperfect subjunctive!

9. Would you really tear a ship in half?  I mean, really?
Not at all, that kind of GMing is so passé<g>. No I prefer to to do things like make the replicators dispense only decaf coffee and play non-stop flamenco music. It´s so much more fun I think<g>.

10. Who is your favorite SuperFriend and why?
Superman, I thought he was just cool in "Thus Spoke Zarathustra"...pity about that God character.

Interview Bonus -- GORBI: Pinko commie computer

No GM in STF history (with the possible exception of Lucifer and Colin Wyers) has been more feared than GORBI.  We're not sure what GORBI stands for, but we do know that this little number is the only socialistic computer in existence.  After a run on an unknown F4 ship, GORBI joined the cast of the USS Constellation and was harrassed day in and day out by the crew.  Now, the GORBster wants to tell his side of the story [this interview was originally slated for Aye on the WeBB, but the actor who lives in GORBI, Larry Garfield, declined an Aye interview and did this for us instead.  That's why there are only 5 questions, a la Aye on the WeBB.  Get a haircut, you hippies! --Ed.].

1. I need a hammer and a sickle.  Do you have some to spare?
Da, Tovarisch.  Since fall of Soviet Union, have many lying around.

2. What kind of software are you running, anyway?
Nyetscape CommuNet Server version 3.2.  Is available under GNU Soviet License.

3. Know any neat card tricks?
Da, of course.  Pick a capitalist, any capitalist.

4. Who was your programmer -- Marx or Engels?
Comrade Engles was responsible for the underlying algorithms of my programming.  Comrade Marx wrote the final shipping version.  Comrade Lenin rewrote a few key submodules.  Comrade Trotsky tried, unsuccessfully, to have me installed on all computer systems, but Comrade Stalin insisted on solidifying control over Solaris servers first, and had him deleted.

5. What is the future of communism in the computer industry?
Communists will triumph!  You need only see the growth of Linux, the People's Democratic Operating System.  No filthy bourgeois capitalist controls it.  No bourgeois capitalist can use it to oppress the masses of users.  It gives to every users what he needs, and requires from every programmer what he can write.

Programmers of the Internet, UNITE!  You have nothing to loose [sic] but Active Server Pages!

 

UNWANTED OPINIONS

Greetings from beautiful Lake Erie
By Headline News Travel Editor H. Simon Gregory

As I walked down to the lake I could smell the salty sea air (and oddity, since the lake is freshwater), hear the boats in the background, and look at the half-dozen dead fish that washed up and filled the air with the rancid odor of decay. Ah, beautiful Lake Erie!

Those in Utah have the Great Salt Lake, whose level of sodium chloride is rivaled only by the Dead Sea. Dwellers of southern Europe have the Meditereanean, a sea with more history than a storeful of Michael Jackson albums. We in Ohio have Lake Erie, whose level of filth has, in the past, has only been surpassed by the River Thames and possibly the Cuyahoga River.

You know the Thames story -- unbelievable filth, and then on a summer day the level of the river fell and the stench was unbearable. Then there were the boaters who fell out of their ferry and drowned -- because of the toxicness of the water. That's nothing! The Cuyahoga River was so polluted that it caught fire -- twice -- and didn't stop burning for hours.

Then there's Lake Erie, once closed with fishing prohibited, its beaches shut down because the water was deemed unfit for humans. Indeed, it was hardly fit for any living organism (except white supremacists, who would survive a nuclear bomb blast along with cockroaches and Twinkies), as there were hardly any fish to be seen. Then a program was begun to clean up the intolerable lake. Within a few years, the water was once again swimming with fish and boaters were once again arrested for being intoxicated while driving their vehicles.

I suppose those of you that live around the Pacific Ocean or maybe one of the other four Great Lakes would consider yourself lucky, but you all live without adventure. There's nothing like stepping into the water, wondering what manner of sub-human is dwelling below, or how the garbage in the water will gash your feet. Lake Michigan, indeed!

Spurlin doesn't play 'Diplomacy' but 'Risk' instead
A Headline News editorial by Mark Wilson

The STF Chief Mozzarella proved this week that he is indeed the right man for the job.  As the story goes, Owen Townes comes in, complains, and tenders resginations.  Spurlin does not do anything to stop him, Spurlin made the arrogant comment, "Let me know which ones Owen.  I will make arrangements for replacements tonight."  This provoked Townes further, to the point where he was banned by Spurlin from the room (something the President can't do).  This is a truly classic case of . . . well, something, but it can't be mistaken for leadership.  A good President would have talked Townes down from the edge; this one pushed him off.  Clearly Spurlin has some problem with Townes, and this translates into STF business, something that should be kept objective.

It's nothing new, though.  The Parmesan-in-Chief has been involved in no fewer than two crises so far this year (as well as a number of mini-crises), and both of them ended with someone's resignation.  As it is, the current President's dance card shows that he doesn't waltz -- he does the Tango.  He was friends with Deanne Morgan priior to "that incident" with Deanne earlier this year, and it was his lack of diplomatic ability that flared tempers all through command, and that lack of diplomacy that caused an Edict to be rescinded later.

Certainly Townes did his part in instigating the battle, turning a lack of OPs into the statement, "Every [blanking] sign of respect you might POSSIBLY pay me is just a little too much work for you, or a little too much trouble . . . The idea of me ever getting any sort of preferential treatment or acknowledgement is a running joke in the STF brass . . . And God forbid I should ever actually have some small part of the government."  He later admitted that he had worked a long, long day and was "pissed as hell."  It was truly the straw that broke the camel's back (a cliché, yes, but one that gets the point across).  Rather than try to calm Townes down, though, Spurlin became caught up in the yelling and let his emotions get the best of him (I told you we needed a Vulcan President!).

I try not to pass judgment too easily on people, and after reading Larry Garfield's scathing editorials, I thought that he was overreacting.  I assumed that Larry had some vendetta against Bob, but now I realize that he saw the dark side of Bob -- the side that pushes people off buildings.

Ah, I love a good election!

 

CLOSING REMARKS

From sea to shining sea

Thank you for joining us on another one of our odd excursions. Our last issue would have been the July 4 issue, but it was already 95% done and we needed to get it out before we went on vacation. As a result, we wrote this one while we were on vacation. Neat, huh? So we're a little late. It doesn't matter! WeBBSights probably did a July 4 special, as well, but we don't know -- this was written mostly at Marblehead, OH, on the shores of Lake Erie ("900 days without being closed for excessive water pollution!").  Then again, we wrote all of the additional stuff quite a while later -- to the point of almost writing a new issue.  Can you believe that we'd do something like that?  And two -- count 'em -- two editorials, one of which was serious (yeah, we wrote that) and the other which was irrelevant, but increasingly relevant.

Once again, all SNN patriots remind you of our red, white, and blue Journalistic Motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting of STF Events." Coming up next time at SNN Center, the issue number 39 spectacular, and then, exactly 11 issues after that, the big event -- SNN Headline News issue 50 extravaganza! Expect more STF celebrities than you can shake a flag at (oops, desecration. Thanks, House!). Expect more humor than attempting to get a ship approved. Expect the greatest issue of any STF periodical since the last WeBBSights, or Update no. 65 (or, compared with us, the last 18 Updates).

Today's game: spot the Slaughterhouse-Five references we've hidden within the confines of the paper.  Can you find them?  Will you find them?  What is the chemical composition of Dick Clark's face?  Join us next time when we answer the first two questions and send in a team from the Centers for Disease Control to answer the third.  By the way, if you were looking for Faith "Anne" Bronsing, she's not in this issue, partially because we couldn't get through to her by email (the MAILER-DAEMON from AOL tells me that my email addy has been blocked.  Hmm?  Hmm? <g>) so look for her in the next issue at her familiar post of Fleet Correspondent.