OUR TOP STORY

Mass LOAs cause rebellion among proletarian class

The latest GMD report said it all: ". . . and what's with these LOAs?  I mean, they're not AWOL, and they're not here, so they're on vacation!"  It may not have said it in quite that way, but the gist was clear: this barn-animal guessing-game is tearing us apart!  Oops, we mean, the LOAs are doing the tearing, yes.  Cited as examples of how LOAs have destroyed ship RPGs were the USS Ark Angel and the USS Constellation, whose senior officers have been on vacation so long that the sims have begun to stop altogether.  At one point on the Constellation, there were two people actively posting!  Astronomers along STF's glitzy Sunrise Strip expected low activity out of Fleet 2 anyway, but not to this degree.  "I just can't fathom it," said chief astronomer and part-time paleontologist Marlon Brando.  "These sims are STALLING!  STALLING!"  A quick trip to Burger King for several dozen Whoppers™ cooled down the Godfather of Astronomy, but the problem of LOAs remained.  It appears that no one can solve this problem that will ultimately lead to the end of life as we know it.  Stay tuned as we bring you more on Marlon Brando and his burger-spree.

WeBBsights borrows our style; socks

WeBBsights no. 29 was an interesting issue, one that bodily stole the style of SNN Headline News.  Prompted by an idea from FComm-4 Larry "Bonnie" Garfield, Executive Editor Mike "Clyde" Ballway read, in order, all 33 of our WeBB editions to gain the knowledge and style of everyone's least favorite periodical (not PUN).  The issue not only used our QuoteGags™ (a device not invented by us, nor by the aforementioned "Dillinger" Ballway) but it made fun of our hard-to-read-text background.  Fortunately, what it lost in these categories it made up for in its use of semicolons and beginning sentences with prepositions or present-participle verbs.

The funniest part of all, though, was a suspiciously familiar interview with FComm-6 and winner of the Trinitron CO-for-a-week contest Seamus "The rubberbands continue to tighten" Hughes, where the questions asked were "favorite SuperFriend" and the infamous "no-holds-barred cage match winner" (among others).  They also claimed that they had beaten us to the punch by listing the favorite SuperFriend of all our interviewees and offering an analysis of the results.  Not true!  In this issue, The 39th Issue Spectacular, we look at winners of cage matches, instead.  Take that, WeBBsights!

McParty VIII proves that violence solves everything

STF's annual birthday slaughter, known affectionately as the "McParty," began last week with FComm-2 Mike "I wish I were a package of Blue Jello [sic] . . . that is what I'd really like to be" Ballway in charge of the festivities.  The theme this year centers around some sort of ballroom party that looks to spew Jell-O from all corners of existence.  Early on Ballway made several decrees, not the least of which limited guests to hand-to-hand combat and prohibited the use of flash photography, video recording, and interstellar vehicles.

Curiously, this year's party seems to be more of the traditional Coke vs. Pepsi variety.  Huguenots Laurence "O." Garfield, Stuart "X." Coll and Seamus "R." Hughes began an archaeological dig for a long-lost Coke machine.  Veteran STFers (from many years back) might see this as a reference to Mike "I think I was here before they invented the Internet" Ballway's contraband Pepsi machine on Mike "Where are they now?" Cathcart's Constellation.  In the meantime, Jason "Y" Lee continues to make a mockery of himself by using The Technology Shop to try and destroy FComm-1 Mark "It's difficult to work in a group when you're omnipotent" Wilson.  It's true what they say: Christmas comes but once a year . . . and STF is greatful that the McParty does, too.

 

IN THE BRIEFS

USS Ares to be decommed; ghost of Jason Brocklesby furious

In what can only be described as a routine ship decomissioning, STF Queso-en-Caudillo Bob "Big ball of squishy fun" Spurlin has decided the time is near for the USS Ares to make way for a newer, more profitable starship.  This comes in the wake of CO Owen "In Chicago, I suppose townships are actually larger than" Townes's announcement that he would resign his characters once he leaves for college.  The Ghost of Jason Brocklesby was reportedly seen picketing outside the President's Office late yesterday, shouting obscenities at, among others, Spurlin, Brian "Not this again" Misamore, and Mike "I agree with Misamore" Ballway.

Public service announcement

A warning to those STFers running V O R T E X as their IRC program: the file "winnuke.exe" in the vortex\tools\ directory is infected with the Trojan Horse virus.  Do whatever you wish -- delete it or quarantine it, I don't care.  Just letting you know, that's all.  Please return to your homes and places of business.

Challenger graduates new captain

One of STF's better ideas has finally proven its worth.  Last week, Challenger CO Cordell "Rachel" Garrett was told that he will be promoted to Captain and become CO of one of two ships available after the death of the famed USS Ares.  The Challenger (called a training ship by some left-wing radicals) was designed to be a ship where persons who wanted actual RPG experience in a field could train and then be promoted directly to that field on another ship.  Garrett was quoted as saying, "This is the happiest . . . USS Olympic?  I'll go back to CE, thank you very much."  Next up on the list: Ensign's Court Judge Scott "Paula" Jones is slated (shaled?) to be the next Challenger CO-in-training.  Says GM Seamus "Elizabeth" Hughes, "At least it isn't Larry Garfield.  Imagine the destruction!"

The Big Cheese makes his whey back to STF

Resident STF Ghost and former Cheese-in-Chief Jim "You only live twice" Midyette was sighted on the OOC last week, proving rumors that he had indeed been sighted in the OOC last week.  The Queso grande apparently couldn't resist falling into the sordid ballet that is the McParty, and ordered a drink before he entered the festivities.  STF analsysts worry about his ability to drive himself home.  "Isn't it obvious?  Jerry Lewis was much funnier than Dean Martin!" they said.  In any event, it's good to see STF's version of George Washington (or at the very very least, John Jay) back in the swing of things.  With any luck he'll be knocking NEs out left and right in no time.

Inspector Gadget fails on multiple levels

In yet another attempt to entice the much-sought 12-24 age group, Disney (formerly known as "Globex") has released Inspector Gadget, a film loosely based on the late 80s-early 90s cartoon of the same name. Other film companies have made attempts before to cater to the nostalgia of the 12-24 group by releasing film versions of its favorite childhood television shows.  Most have failed, as does Gadget.  Among its many failings are major discrepencies that take away from the credibility of the movie.

1.    Gadget says "Wowser" as an exclamation rather than the correct "Wowsers."  Artistic license, indeed!
2.    Instead of saying "Go go gadget copter" [emphasis mine], Gadget says "Go go gadget chopper."  Are we to believe that the movie Gadget is armed to the teeth with anti-aircraft missiles?  (Submitted by Mike Ballway)
3.    In the TV series, Dr. Claw's face was never seen; here it is shown many times (enough to identify Claw as Rupert Everett).  Also, Disney's Claw has a claw for a hand while the cartoon Claw had a metal glove for a hand, instead.

I urge patriotic and sanity-loving STFers not to view this blasphemy.  As My Favorite Martian spoiled Christopher Lloyd, Inspector Gadget spoils Matthew Broderick.  Bring back Don Adams!

 

RETROSPECTICUS

Looking back on 39 issues of pain

Only one other SNN periodical -- Update -- has gone on to acheive the status of issue no. 39.  Today, we too will join its ranks as Headline News closes out the first 40 issues, wondering what lies ahead for the next 40.  That's right, kids, we plan on staying here for a while (unless we are knocked out a window).  In any case, let the Retrospecticus begin!

Headline News was born out of a cheap imitation of SNN Update, something claiming to be SNN's first "gossip column," entitled Inside Edition.  The name was infringed and the newsletter was terrible, but it was something of a beginning, albeit a lowly and slimy one. Inside Edition itself came from a column written by yours truly called My Two Cents (another infringement).  That column concerned then-President Greg "And here I thought the AA was in Fleet 2" Hertzsch's favortism of the WeBB over STF-Prodigy.  It wasn't a good column, but it was a start.

The title of the first issue of this periodical was SNN Headline News (still more infringement; it's part of our heritage) and it lasted about three screens on the old Prodigy software (it would fit into today's "Headlines" section).  That was known as Vol. I, the Prodigy edition, until its demise in issue I.26 -- the last of the Prodigy issues.  Vol. II came into play shortly after then-Victorious CO Mark "The very same" Wilson joined the WeBB.  The first issue was about the movement of the Victorious into Fleet 1 and also fit into today's "Headlines" section.

Winners of the no-holds-barred cage match

As part of our interviews, we ask two questions that are usually the same: "In a no holds-barred-cage match, who would win" and "Who is your favorite SuperFriend and why."  WeBBsights bodily stole the list for the latter question, but we still have the former question to make a big table out of.  Thus, we present, the Table of Cage Matches!
 

Issue	Person asked	Combatants	Winner
II.07	Mike Ballway	President Clinton v. President Xiang Zemin	Inconclusive
II.11	Seamus Hughes	Ross Perot v. Bob Dole	Draw
II.12	Jason Rauch
II.13	Greg Hertzsch
II.14	Colin Wyers
II.15	Mike Bourdaa	Thomas Jefferson v. John Adams	Aaron Burr
II.16	Deanne Morgan	Napoleon v. Alexander the Great	Alexander the Great
II.17	Genesun Han
II.18	Larry Garfield	Gerald Ford v. Jimmy Carter	Draw
II.19	Chris Healey	Winston Churchill v. Margaret Thatcher	Winston Churchill
II.21	Randy McCulick	Dear Abby v. Ann Landers	Dear Abby
II.24	Nathan Miller	Jack Palance v. Anthony Quinn	Jack Palance
II.26	Brandon Goodin	Mr. Spock v. Cmdr. Riker	Mr. Spock
II.27	B.J. Phillips	Barbara Walters v. Jane Pauley	Barbara Walters
II.28	st-fleet	Bill Gates v. Charles Babbage	Charles Babbage
II.30	Mark Longanbach
II.30	Bill Gunty
II.31	Adam Steiner	Mohammed v. Jesus Christ	Mohammed
II.32	Alan Felts	Eli Whitney v. Thomas Edison	Thomas Edison
II.33	Owen Townes	Leonardo da Vinci v. Michaelangelo	Michaelangelo
II.34	Steve Ashton	Christopher Columbus v. Amerigo Vespucci	Inconclusive
II.35	Joseph Stalin	Karl Marx v. John Locke	Karl Marx
II.37	Randy McCullick	(see II.21)	(see II.21)
II.38	Stuart Coll	Queen Isabella v. St. Patrick	Queen Isabella

And now the analysis.  Of the 23 interviews conducted, only 17 were asked the "cage match" question, omitting Bill Gunty, Mark Longanbach, Genesun Han, Colin Wyers, Greg Hertzsch, and Jason Rauch.  Of the 17 that were asked, 2 responded with an inconclusive answer and 2 responded with a draw.  Mike Ballway answered with, "It depends on whether or not Clinton retains the line-item veto."  Steve Ashton noted, "Whoever has bigger cannon balls."  Headline News does not know whether Columbus or Vesspucci had the larger ammunition, so that is inconclusive.  Larry Garfield's justification for a draw between Ford and Carter is that "Ford would fall down on his own and Carter would negotiate his way out over night."  Seamus Hughes believed that "the Republicans or the [Indepdendent] party would celebrate, whatever the outcome, so they [both] win."  Out of the 11 that responded with an answer, 1 answered an option that wasn't given -- Mike Bourdaa.  He believed that Aaron Burr would win over Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, saying, "the only American executive ever to resign over a murder charge.  Not that he's my hero or anything...um..."  Um, indeed.

Of the 10 that responded with a choice that was given as an answer, here are their justifications: Alexander over Napoleon because Napoleon was too busy with his hand in his shirt.  Churchill over Thatcher because Churchill was just much larger.  Dear Abby over Ann Landers due to "Dear Abby via a folding chair."  Jack Palance over Anthony Quinn because we was a mean guy in City Slickers.  Mr. Spock over Cmdr. Riker due to the Vulcan nerve pinch.  Barbara Walters over Jane Pauley . . . with really no reason given (thanks, B.J.).  Charles Babbage over Bill Gates because hardware ultimately triumphs over software.  Mohammed over Jesus Christ because he had better technology ("machine gun arrows as opposed to rgular ones").  Thomas Edison over Eli Whitney by way of Edison blinding his opponent.  Michaelangelo over Leonardo because "Michaelangelo's prowess with large chunks of rock can't be beat."  Karl Marx over John Locke due to the fact that Marx could simply sit on Locke (that's twice now that physical size has mattered to the interviewees).  Finally, Queen Isabella over St. Patrick because "she could beat up The Terminator, the US Marines, and Barney the Dinosaur."

The future of Headline News

I wish this issue could be more spectacular, but we've got to save room for the Issue no. 50 Extravaganza, coming up in only 10 issues.  Way back in number 10, we made some promises: a theme issue, a Spanish issue, an election issue.  All of those challenges have been met, but we're thinking about another themed issue.  And where do we go from there?  Why, we've already crossed the line with the white background; I doubt there's more innovating left to do.  But there is!  And we need your help.  You can make Headline News the greatest periodical ever to be called SNN Headline News by writing to us with your questions, comments, and concerns (no criticisms; it hurts our feelings).  Consider it, won't you?

 

H. SIMON GREGORY

Douglas Adams was right

It was either Douglas Adams or Kurt Vonnegut who noted that all air and space traffic throughout the universe goes through Atlanta, GA.  If it was neither of them, I lose my remaining credibility.  In any case, someone said it and I've come to tell you that it's unbelievably true.

Don't discount Salt Lake City or Cincinnatti, either.  They process a good deal of the traffic that comes through this galaxy only.  Paris is another hub in the grand scheme of things, but it only handles the Sol System.  You'd be surprised what interesting people can be found in interstellar flight terminals -- like Ambassador Worf.  I caught a glimpse of him as was heading for a charity event on Rigel VII.  I asked him what he thought of the Galactic United Way, and he responded, "A waste of valuable space-bucks.  Wasting money is dishonorable.  Invest in the March of Silver Dollars instead."

Once I arrived at my destination (courtesy of Omega Airlines) on planet Winnebago V for a journalism convention, I actually saw Douglas Adams . . . or at least his preserved head.  It was at a promotional booth entitled "Ask Douglas Adams's Head a Question."

"Mr. Adams," I said, "how do you get 42 from 9 times 6?"

"Isn't it obvious?" his head snarled.  "Mathematics as we know it is wrong!"

"But the Vulcans' math system developed independently of our own and even they get 54 from 9 times 6."

The head of Douglas Adams thought for a moment, then sent some hired goons to rough me up and throw me out the door.  It was interesting to meet the preserved head of Douglas Adams, but something about being roughed up by hired goons spoiled the experience.  In any case, I left the journalism conference and was ready to sit back and enjoy a snack of one partially dehydrated peanut-flavored wafer when a disgruntled William Riker hijacked the plane.  "I've gained so much weight . . . I can't go on, and I'm taking all of you with me!"  Soon thereafter, some of Douglas Adams's goons roughed him up and tossed him out the airlock.  Needless to say, I arrived back at SNN Center relatively unharmed and I just wanted to point out that the hub of the universe is Atlanta, Georgia.  Strange that I didn't see Emily Braunstein . . . maybe she was roughed up and thrown out an airlock, too.

 

CLOSING REMARKS

You call that an electronic periodical?

Yes we do, and if you dispute it, we'll pump your guts full 'a lead!  But before that happens, let us treat you to the horror that is our Closing Section.  Right now we've gone with a solid white background, since nothing that is textured seems to work.  If you or anyone you know has a retina-friendly, textured white background, please email us.  If you are calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line.

Once again, Headline News reminds you (yes, you!) of its Go-go Gadget motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting of STF events."  Wowsers!  This message will self-destruct in five seconds.

If you read WeBBsights's rather shoddy (yet funny) parody of our own periodical, be forewarned!  For sometime in the near future, we shall parody them!  Yes, kids, it's a duel to the death right here in SNN Center, so bring your cameras and some Glad bags because the Kodak moments will be messy.  Rather small Closing Section, isn't it?  We had to make up for the size of that Retrospecticus somehow.  If you thought this was the Look Back to end all Looks Back, you were very wrong.  Issue 50 is the Look Back to End All Looks Back.  So much to look forward to in the future . . . even more when our paycheck arrives.