OUR TOP STORY

Spurlin declares open decomm season

With the announcement of the decommissioning of the USS Ares, and the crushing of his Central HQ Rebellion, FComm-6 Seamus "Blue's Clues" Hughes felt left out of Command.  Therefore, he did the only thing he could: decommision something!  That is the basis of an announcement that the current incarnation of the USS Futura will be removed from service rather soon.  "Decommissioning is the cool thing now, and I was being beat up by the cool kids because my ship was still in service," noted a bruised Hughes, who had covered a black eye with a juicy pot roast.  According to Athena CO B.J. "Straight-head" Phillips, the Futura will be taken to spacedock when a major flaw is discovered somewhere on board.  Phillips refused to accede to hollers by STFians that the Futura be blown to smithereens, and decided it would be best to throw cherry bombs at the crowd.

Hughes does, however, have a sneaky, communistic alterior motive for this decomissioning.  As it is, the Futura has no ship specs, since they were going to be completed but as time wore on they remained incomplete.  Hughes decided to decommission this spec-less ship and recommission a spec-full ship (that will not contain FComm-3 James "Someone had better laugh at this" Speck).

Engineers scramble like so many eggs

Now that two ships will be decommissioned, someone has to find two ships to replace them.  But wait, there's more!  A recommendation was made by PDir Greg "If my last name were pronounced 'hertz' then we would have a much funnier periodical" Hertzsch requested that another ship be added to Fleet 1, thereby increasing its ship count to an astounding three.  FComm-1 Mark "How's that science exam?  Muahahahaha!" Wilson has already given the thumbs-at-an-87°-angle for the use of Alan Felt's Visigoth class.  "Fleet 1 needs a medium-sized ship," he said.  "And some pudding.  I wonder if that Felts fellow can build me some pudding."

The hard part is not building the ships, but rather finding people to staff them.  It is a known fact that Cordell "This doesn't present much of a Challenge" Garrett will have command of one of the next ships, and that Seamus "How much more assonance can a guy take?" Hughes will probably demand the ship that takes the Futura's place.  But, ask STF's most intelligent Civil War-reenacting monkeys, who will command the new F1 ship?  Are there enough qualified personnel to take DH positions on the two other ships (assuming the New Futura keeps its old crew)?  These are questions that only the Personnel Deaprtment can answer, and certainly Jaret "Spinning jenny" Hargreaves's DH list can help in the fight for new department heads.

 

IN THE BRIEFS

Edict no. 17 creates Indian Reservation

STF will now be the home of a group of Apache Indians, according to latest reports. Edict no. 17, released last . . . this just in -- Edict 17 did not deal with Indians at all, but rather the newest Fleet 1 ship, USS Apache. This vessel, the third in STF1, is from the new Visigoth class, designed by Academy Commendant Alan "What moron approved this idea anyway?" Felts (for a review of the new, mediocre Visigoth class, see WeBBsights no. 27). Felts spoke about the new class at a gala unveiling at Abraxas Shipworks' main facility. "This class not only allows for the latest enhancements," he said, "but the glaring flaws in the design cancel out these enhancements, making it a truly second-class cruiser."

Edict no. 18 recasts for 'Randy's Angels'

STF President Bob "Warren Littlefield" Spurlin made an executive decision in Edict 18, when he fired members of the popular STF1 comedy-drama "Randy's Angels." The show's star, which revolved around Capt. Randy McCullick on the USS Ark Angel, has been fired and replaced with Hollywood veteran Greg "Another cheesy cartoon cross-over" Hertzsch. His performance as the Babylon 5 freak on STF6's "Three's Kestrel" earned him an Emmy, and STF1 was happy to receive him. In addition to this, STF3's "The Man from D.R.E.S.D.E.N." has had its captain recast, also, with the part going to former STF star Adam "West" St. Clair. In a press conference, St. Clair said, "I enjoy the chance to work with new people, and receive top billing once again."

USS Pict to replace Ares; Constantine leaves STF

In an action that shows just how much everyone likes a medium-class ship, STF6 will be replacing the delapidated USS Ares with the newer, hipper USS Pict. Reports show that resident Oed V troublemaker Elana "Did you know your last name's a sandwich?" Rubin will command the newest STF6 ship. In a related story, STFer Constantine "Not Istanbul" the Great will leave the club, saying, "This invasion of Germanic tribes is really scary. I don't want to have to go through it again." He says that he will found another club, called "Eastern STF," that will soon be renamed to "The Constantine STF." Its chief religion? The Eastern Picard Unorthodoxy, created when the First Church of Picard splits from the Church of Sisko.

 

IN THE HOT SEAT

Jason Lee: the truth comes out at last

Whether he's Albert Quarm, sneaky Federation Science guy, or Jason Lee, sneaky head of The Technology Shop, he's still very sneaky.  Unfortunately, we caught him just after his morphine, so this interview is way out there -- even farther out than anything we could come up with before.  Sit back and enjoy the rantings and ravings of the lunatical Jason "Bruce" Lee.  [Why are these answers so long?  Make it stop, make it stop! --Ed.]

1. In twenty words or less, offer a brief summary of the 19th century.
Impossible.  Such a brief summary wouldn't be so 'brief.'  However, the briefest I can give you is 'it was technologically advancing.'

2. I like cantaloupe.  How about you?
I like all types of fruit.  But the question is are you a fruit?  (Yeah, yeah, I know.  Your doing the interview and asking the questions.  It's been done.)

3. Do you value your life?
Yes, I do.  I would say it is priceless.  However the issue if we are all actually 'living' in a state of reality is not known.  As Picard once said, "All of this might just be an elaborate simulation running inside a little device, sitting on someone's table."  Whether if we are in the "Matrix" is also unknown.  However, how each defines "life" may clearly tell their value.

4. I paid for a collossal donut, and I'm gonna get a collossal donut!
So you paid for a large donut.  Exactly what are you going to do with it?  I must say that I must ask you this question: where's your large coffee?  Well, I also can comment that what Greg posts as a topic in the STF chatroom, "There is a hole in your mind."  Like that big donut of yours.  Do-nut.  It should be more like Go-nuts.  I don't drink alcohol? - don't even ask that.

5. In a no-holds-barred cage match, who would win: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart or Ludwig van Beethoven?
Well, I would bet on Beethoven, however it truely depends on what exactly they are fighting with.  Are they fighting with music?  Are they fighting with music instruments?  Are they fighting in a dark area with no lights?  Are they fighting with hands only?  Are they conducting their orchestra to fight for them?  Shall I continue on?  Beethoven because he's the madder one.  Dark area refers to Beethoven's deafness.

6. Admit it.  You're a puppet of Larry Garfield.  He put you up to this lawsuit business.  Every school boy knows that "La Tienda de Tecnologia" is not a direct translation.  What's the real story?
Ooo... aren't you asking for it?  Well, the Technology Shop is owned and run by me.  There was no record of Larry owning such a shop either.  It was purely my idea.  I am not Larry's puppet, however my character on SB202 has been locked up by GM Larry.  So was the court idea.  That was my idea as well.  Larry, if you read the OOC WeBB notes more carefully, writes, "I can't believe I am doing this."  I don't even LIVE next to Larry Garfield.

7. The better paper -- yellow ruled or white ruled?
There is no better paper.  It's just paper!  Now, if you imply it to humans, that is racist!  How dare you!  [Do you mean to imply that we're racist?  How dare you! --Ed.]

8. Are we in agreement that "The Family Circus" should be hit by a bus?
"The Family Circus?"  Never heard of it.  Must be in the black and white section of the newspaper comics.  I only see the wonderful colored version of the Sunday's newspaper.

9. Offer a witty and thoughtful quote to our readers.
2 Witty Quotes: EMH Mark 1: "Stop breathing my neck!" EMH Mark 2: "My breathing is only a simulation." EMH Mark 1: "So is MY NECK!  STOP IT anyway!"  VOY: Message in a bottle.  Scotty: "N-C-C 1-7-0-1.  No bloody A, B, C, or D."  TNG: Relics.  2 Thoughtful Quotes: "Is necessary to read this newspaper when you know that Mark Wilson writes in most of the other newspapers?"  "Be nice to your superiors, they can give you lots of wonderful things . . . except for jerks."

10. Who is your favorite SuperFriend and why?
Consistency answer: Gene Roddenberry because he's the creator of Star Trek.  He made Science Fiction on Television a successful thing when the network producers knew Science Fiction series didn't work.  He was a man with a vision who succeeded and created Star Trek.  The Universe of Star Trek that STF roleplays in.

Inconsistency: Hmm... that is tough one.  However I'll go with Wonder Woman, after she is a wonder.  Not only that, she is cartoons.  Green Lantern has an inconsistancy of history between the original and the new series that was displayed on the WB (5 in L.A.).  The Wonder Twins don't seem useful as much.  Nor does Wendy, Marvin, or Wonder dog (however, I think Wonder dog is a funny character).  She seems the person next to Superman in leadership.  Hey Mark, don't you even turn this thing around and say something that I did not intended.

(Notes for Question 10: Consistancy Answer is the incorrect answers that were given by previous interviews by the other STF newspaper.  Inconsistancy answer is the correct answer to the question asked.)

Interview Bonus: righting a wrong

WeBBsights 26 forced us to believe that Vice-Queso mojoso Colin "Don't play near those" Wyers had not been asked the all-important, all-encompassing, all-star break SuperFriends question.  For days we lay in a sick bed, anguishing over this greivous error.  Then we took some Prozac and, after replacing our car's entire exhaust system, decided to ask Mr. Wyers this question, to try and wrap things up.  So here it is, folks, the SuperFriends question, as answered by Colin Wyers.

11. Who's your favorite SuperFriend and why?
Lex Luthor.<G> . . . But come on, I have to be with the Legion of Doom, don't I?<G>  I have an evil reputation to maintain!

12. In a no-holds-barred cage match, who would win: Pat Buchanan or William F. Buckley?
William F. Buckley, because people actually read his column; and 'conservatism of the heart' is about as useful as that other attempt at making convservatism look like liberalism, though I can't get the name of it...

 

KENT'S CORNER

Adam Kent was the premier non-sensical columnist for SNN, perhaps an inspiration for H. Simon Gregory. Mr. Kent was recently found wandering through the alleyway behind SNN Center. After a sandwich and nap, the former Update personality was ready to write columns again, but decided on our periodical due to the "serious" nature of WeBBsights, and the fact that Larry Garfield threw him out of a 22nd story window.  "It happens," said Kent.

Unlikely ship names, can they live in peace?

STF Mike Bob "Robert" Nigel Andrew Garak Xavier Sebastian Artist-Formerly-Known-As-Prince Theodore Aaron Tommy . . . excuse me.

STF Mike Bob "Robert" Spurlin commissioned two new ships recently, the Pict and the Apache, of the Visigoth class.  Now, it's not that these ship names bother me (oh, far from it, they have gone out of their way not to bother me), but I can't help but wonder:  What was Alan "Please fasten your safety" Felts drinking?  Every time I look at the new F1 ship I wonder if its dedication plaque is going to read "Inek-chok!"

Take a long look at the Visigoth class.  The class' ships are named for tribes of pre-urban Europe and pre-columbian America.  Here we have a class that itself is named after one of the tribes that brought down the Roman Empire, heralding nearly a full millennium of "dark ages" in Europe. The more cultured ships, such as the yet-uncommissioned USS Maya, can lay claim to a proud heritage of ritual human sacrifice.  Ah, to pine for the good ol' days.

Which is not to say that the ship names in the rest of STF are any better. Some bigshot of old managed to slip the name of his television set intothe F2 roster without anyone noticing until it was too late.  The Ark Angel, despite being miscalled "Arc Angel" and "Arkangel" by some, is a mistake itself ("Archangel" is the correct form).  Then you have names like Brandywine.  For once we don't have to ask what the guys who came up with this one were drinking.  And whose idea was it to name the training ship after a space shuttle that blew up in mid-liftoff, killing seven astronauts?  Oh, yeah, THAT'LL inspire confidence in the cadets.

Good thing we haven't approved the White-Star-Line-influenced Olympic class; we might have to face up to a USS Titanic in the future.  As it is,we're stuck with Titania.  But I digress.  Is there any specific reason we have a ship named after a German city that was blown back into the Stone Age by Allied bombers?  I speak of Dresden, of course, a ship that can trace its history back to the early days of STF*Prodigy -- so there really is no answer to the origin question.  Owen "Thought Police" Townes has proposed a support vessel called the Panzer.  Oppression, anyone? Whuzzat? Blitzkrieg?  Don't think twice, it's all Reich.

What does this informal sampling tell you?  First of all, that STF has a lot of ships named after odd things, like World War II Commodore Arleigh Burke (Ask the GWFComm about this one.  He just loves explaining it 43 times a day).  It also tells us that in this crazy, mixed-up world of Cola Wars, IRC crises, Jason Brocklesby sightings, and other vaguely disturbing events, ships named after heathen savages and ships named after the holiest of holy messengers of God can co-exist peacefully in the same Fleet under the iron fist of SNN Associate Editor Mark Wilson.  Maybe that's the moral of the day.  I hope it is, becuase I need to visit F2 now to continue my Trin-bashing.

Colin Wyers returns; demands hollowed-out volcano

He came back from summer camp sooner than we thought he would. Fleet Captain William "Billy Blight" Bligh and I were enjoying some Starbucks® coffee one day (mmm . . . delish!), hanging around the Unwanted Second Characters Food Court in the Seattle Space Needle, when there he was, Dr. Evi-, er, Republican himself, Colin "There isn't really much to do in Iowa except learn to debate" Wyers. We asked him questions about what it was like to take a quasi-LOA ("cool"), whether he wasgoing to participate in the McParty ("yes"), and what he thought of the Hillary Clinton candidacy for Senator ("you couldn't print it"). Eventually he grew tired of our needling and voiced a desire to retire to his Underground Lair. He said he had big things planned. We asked him what, exactly, he planned to do. He answered, "the same thing we do every night, Pinky . . . try to take over STF6!"

Wowser[s]! We worked with him day in and day out, refurbishing his Time Machine. Dr. Wyers disapproved of the way that FComm-6 Seamus "Hughes line is it anyway?" Hughes was using his office to forward the cause of Fun. Dr. Wyers is a fundamentally evil person, you must understand this [see above interview for details. -Ed.]. He has even been known to let up on the criticism of Pat Buchanan every once in a while. A dangerous, twisted mind, to be sure.

On the day before Dr. Wyers was to go back in time to when FCpt. Hughes was frozen in a mysterious vat marked "Resigned (Again)," and steal the future FComm's "jello," we announced that we had a surprise for him. After years (or, perhaps, weeks) of longing for Dr. Wyers' return to weekday posting, we had gotten impatient and engineered a son for him (or was that last movie? Yes, I think it was). Strike that . . . we'd gone and created a CLONE, that's it. A clone. "Send in the clones," I said, and FCpt. Bligh opened the door, revealing: Semi-Colin, the Wyers that fits in your pocket.

The rest, as you know, is history: How Dr. Wyers and Semi-Colin tried to steal the jello from FCpt. Hughes, how two enthused Hugheses confused the losers and brought balance to the Force, fulfilling the prophecy that Seamus "You just changed movies again, didn't you?" Hughes was meant to lead STF6 to greater things (such as a hostile takeover by STF2. Hey, it could happen!). Dr. Wyers blasted off in his Big Boy, heading vaguely in the direction of Starfleet Command, to plot his next attack on F6. FCpt. Bligh and myself were left sipping our Starbucks® coffee (mmm . . . delish!). We don't know when Dr. Wyers and Semi-Colin will strike next, but we know it won't be pretty.

 

H. SIMON GREGORY

Gamblers Anonymous opens STF branch

The sad truth is here -- STFers simply can't say "no" to poker, blackjack, and pachisi. It became most obvious that there was a problem when STF Internet Director Mike "Wallace" Bourdaa blew $2 million on blackjack. "My brother did it," stuttered Bourdaa. "He was playing blackjack! I mean, he was hitting on hard 19 with the last $600,000 when I walked in the room."

Excuses. Bourdaa obviously doesn't want STF to know about his gambling problem, so he invents a "brother" to place the blame on. Dr. Holt Rhinehart-Winston calls this phenomenon "antidisassociationism," characterized by "a morbid desire to gamble, invention of false siblings to cover one's tracks, and compulsion to write a Perl-based bulletin board system."

Mr. Bourdaa is not the only one afflicted by this, however. B.J. "It's showtime!" Phillips also has the mania. Latest reports have shown him to be in mostly poker areas, although he does go to pachisi and blackjack from time to time. Greg "I'll hit you when I'm good and ready" Hertzsch was also committed to the center, now called "The Betty Bourdaa Clinic," for excessive insanity when he would not stop repeating the phrase, "I am the GDMF Pachisi-playing MAN!"  Fortunately, FComm-6 Seamus "Don't confhughes him too much" Hughes was at the reins of the Personnel Department, so STF can continue running in its normal way.

Not to be outdone, FComm-1 Mark "McKinney" Wilson, formerly of Kids in the Hall, has been seen wasting continous intervals of $5,000 on hands that looked good, but weren't quite good enough.  "Top o' the world, ma!" said Wilson as he jumped to his injury into a TrashCo-brand dumpster.  He later commented, "These are nearly as good as Dumpster™ brand dumpsters."

What is happening to STF?    A good majority of the members have now become hustlers on the side.  FComm-2 Mike "I'm Kevlar™ and you're glue, anything you say bounces off me and sticks to you" Ballway has become a professional loan shark, known on the street as "Mikey the Blob."  Former FComm-5 Nathan "Detroit" Miller has become a major player now in the Vinchoscheskofonzarini crime family of Medium-sized Italy.  One by one, members of the Cabinet are succombing to a simple Internet game, a game that has become more horror and heartache than fun.  When, oh when will the hurting stop?

To participate in the hurting, go to http://www.won.net/gamerooms/hoyle/ and download the Hoyle® program.

Spurlin goes too far this time

STF Queso mojoso Bob "What I wouldn't give for a Spanish-English dictionary" Spurlin has been involved in several scandals throughout his tenure.  Among them were the Morgan IRC crisis, the Healey IRC crisis, the Townes IRC . . . gee, IRC really hasn't been good to this president.  In any case, all of these crises pale in comparison to the outrage caused by Spurlin's latest act of dictatorship.  Truly the Presiding Justice must take action to stop this matter before it escalates into total anarchy.

I refer, of course, to Spurlin's naming of ships without the authorization of the FComms.  STF Law Professor Charles S. Dutton was quoted as saying, "I thought banishing Morgan from Command was harsh . . . but, how dare he name ships without FComms' approval!"

It happened in Fleet 1 to the newly-christened USS Apache.  Spurlin, mad from power, took it upon himself to name the Visigoth-class vessel.  Never mind the feelings of the FComm or of the Visigoth's creator, AFComm-6 Alan "Canvases" Felts; it is far better to rip a name from the ship name section and slap onto a ship as though it were nothing more than a sordid, hideous game of "Pin the tail on the donkey."

Fleet 1 did not suffer alone.  Fleet 6 was also subject to the tyranny of Czar Spurlin when the good, clean USS Ares was re-dubbed, with no one's approval but Spurlin's, the USS Pict.  The name can only be called the first in a series of "extension ships," vessels whose names are really DOS image extensions.  Expect a USS Gif, USS Jpg, and USS Bmp in the future, for Spurlin cares not for anyone's feelings but his own.

We at SNN Headline News demand an immediate halt to these unfathomable abuses of power that go far beyond dismissing members -- that go into the naming of ships, the very lifeblood of this club.  Thomas Jefferson said it best (though it was really said by Thoreau in Civil Disobedience, though the quote is credited to Jefferson): "That government is best which governs least."  Truly, Jefferson [Thoreau] was familiar with the abuses of power wrought by the King of England [Andrew Jackson], prompting him to write the Declaration of Independence [Civil Disobedience].  As members of a democratic club, we urge all STFers to come forth and shout out, "We will name our own ships, in the name of truth, liberty, and justice!"  The time to act is now, while we still have rights left, before more are taken away, and before even the classes of ships for a particular fleet will be chosen solely by a tyrannical President bent on taking over the club . . . and all of our lives with it.

 

CLOSING REMARKS

Headline News is here, inside my mind

Close your eyes, start a journey . . . to a strange, new world.  Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before; close your eyes and let SNN Headline News set you free!  Only then . . . can you belong to us . . . er, me . . .

If you thought that was frightning, you obviously haven't payed attention for this whole issue.  But we really do enjoy The Phantom of the Opera.  In fact, for you die-hard Phantom phans, this is your last year to see it at the glorious Pantages Theatre in Toronto, its home for the past 10 years.  Ken, Jim -- we expect you to be there, along with Jaret "James" Hargreaves . . . or else! We must also say that we are enthused at the prospect of Adam Kent writing for us -- until his alter-ego Mike Ballway returns to college. As it is, the humor [Wyerese: humour] is better than anything we can come up with.  And to compete with this razor-sharp wit, we've asked H. Simon Gregory to churn out two of his county-famous editorials for us.  We'll be hearing it again come bonus time.

Now, please, let darkness wake and stir our horribly scarred Journalistic Motto of "Quick, informative, totally biased reporting of STF events."  Are you senses abandoning their defenses?  They're helpless to resist the electronic periodical I write, for I compose the Comedy of the Night.

Join us next time, when our guests will be: yet another STFian who doesn't want to do an interview; H. Simon Gregory; and Lon Chaney, man of a thousand faces.  The Issue 50 Countdown shows that there are only 9 more issues left until our Extravaganza, and a huge affair at SNN Center with celebrities and Coca-Cola and lots of Red Jell-O.  Just open up your eyes, let your fantasies unwind, for you are helpless to resist the electronic periodical I write, for I compose the Comedy of the Night.