OUR TOP STORY

Owen Townes, we hardly knew ye

Old soldiers never die, they just fade away.  The same can be said for engineers, although they're most likely vaporized in a warp core breach.  This is one case, though, where the engineer has survived long enough to resign on his own.  This is the story of Engineer-to-the-Stars Owen "Pueblos is Spanish for" Townes.  On Aug. 16 Townes will have left STF (that's future perfect because we're writing this before Aug. 16 and have no idea when it will come out) to go on to college, one of man's noblest occupations.  Here now, we present The Owen Townes Story (in stereo where available).  To our readers we add that Townes himself wrote the retrospective (crazy types might call it a "manifesto"), so it may be a tad biased in some cases.  He would like it to be called Many Regrets.

Um... Way back in 1992, a wee little... geez... eleven year old named Owen Townes joined STF.  He was assigned to the Sec-1 post on the Victorious, then under the directorship of Captain Tobias Hoy.  In the sim, which nobody bothered to explain to him, the Victorious received damage, and Owen wrote that he returned to his quarters to find all of his belongings had been spaced via a hull breach in said quarters.  Mr. Hoy thought this was over-stepping Owen's boundaries, but instead of being nice about it, he promptly laid into our hero.

This prompted Owen to eventually quit.

Three (or was it four?) years later, Owen came back to find STF significantly smaller.  He was made a Lewey and given the CE spot on the Vicky (a position he has held to this day, with only a few minor usurpations by that scoundrel Alan "Wool" Felts).  In the capacity of CE, he met Greg Hertzsch, who said one day "Gee, wouldn't it be funny if we..."  We did, and it was.
While Greg was guiding STF into its first true presence on the WWW, I was busy... um... playing chess with the engineers on the Vicky (I applied the Spurlin method of leadership to the Vice Presidency.  Nobody complained).  Greg had to spend two months to actually convince me that the WeBB existed, at which time I visited, and soon after took command of the newly commissioned USS Ares (my ship!).  As Veep I got my pick of cabinet spots.  I'd been an engineer ever since my ill-fated first tour in STF.  I'd seen what Star Trek technology could allow, and what little was actually done with it, and compiled a list of my ideas.  And thought that, as EDir, I could actually move STF into the future that Star Trek allows, yet ignores.

Sadly, like the inventor of the fuel-less car, I was mistaken.

I admit I was too much of an idealist, and lacked any comprehension of how the machinations of Aaron Holland, Randy McCullick, and Colin Wyers would chew me up and spit me out.  It was painful, and while I did learn from it, that knowledge has pretty much been useless (except for the occasional instance when I tell whichever EDir is AWOL at the time what to do).
But I shirked the VP spot because of the "abuse of power" accusations, seeking to prove that I could be just as abusive without any power.  Unfortunately the fools in the STF electorate didn't re-elect Hertzsch, and so started my gradual fade into the background (or, not so gradual, come to think of it).

Oh, my pioneering work in a whole new school of CO.  For the first year or two, being CO of the Ares was great.  The atmosphere of Prodigy still held sway (said atmosphere being parties, women, arguments, and a sim if you have time for it).  The people were cool, enjoyable.  Those that liked it liked it, those that didn't, left.  Zibby's post-sim parties (I think we averaged one, maybe two a year on those, because the Ares was notorious for its painfully long sims) were great, always a great chance to hit on the latest female addition to the crew.

The sims were... well... long, but only because we'd get ourselves into quote wars, post wars, Jell-O wars, and anything else that availed itself to our distraction.  In the past year or so, with the demise of Prodigy, that quality of STF which made it so enjoyable, that concept that we were here to be friends, that nobody ever signed their notes with their character's name, that we were all people hanging out and having a good time, not Starfleet Officers boldly plunging into another sim, was lost.  The kids (ugh, I'm 18 calling newbies kids) coming onto my ship had no idea what STF was about, and I certainly couldn't teach them.
And the Ares became another ship, the same old stuff being done on every other ship, and the crew had no idea what the ship was about.

So I drifted off, turned my attention to ships, positions that actually challenged me.  I made Oed V as my personal playground, anybody else be damned, because I wanted to play my crippled, embittered ex-engineer (geez... does that ever sound autobiographical).  And I play Verits on the Seraph, because it's fun to be able to have a character totally incongruous from the glorified Utopia of Star Trek.  And I turned my attentions to GMing.  Unfortunately, even GMing got dull.  All the players wanted personal glorification, none of them wanted to follow the rules of the Federation, much less Starfleet.  And certainly nobody wanted a delay in the sim, because nobody knew how to interact with anybody else.

Our club has become a sim, and only a sim.

Nobody knows how to exist without a sim.  If there's no sim, people go AWOL rather than sit around and chew the fat with their fellow role-players, their friends.  And we've had promises of making STF fun again, but we've gone about it all wrong.  How can a sim be fun if the people don't know how to have fun without a sim?  How can a club be fun if we have no sense of ourselves as a club?  On Prodigy, we all knew each other, we'd step into another ship's sim just to shoot off a round of Jell-O at an innocent civilian.  Now, you can't even name all of the ships in the club, much less know what they're doing.  But, college allowing, I will return to my position of Vigo on Oed, so I can be bitter and cynical, and my position as Verits on the Seraph, so I can voice my feelings of superiority over the newbies.

 

IN THE BRIEFS

USS Aries becomes newest Fleet 1 ship

From your friends at Dent Shipyards, it's the USS "No, not the Fleet 6 Ares" Aries.  The first from the new Andromeda class, also known as the "Galaxy replacement class," the ship will be commanded by recent Academy graduate Cordell "University" Garrett.  All members of the cabinet were happy for Garrett, except for a very jealous Mike "Plywood-a" Bourdaa.  He was quoted as saying, "I'll get those Trix one of these days . . . even if I have to take hostages!"  It was soon discovered that Bourdaa was not addressing Garrett, but a bowl of Trix standing just behind him.

Mysterious carpet e-mail leaves Cabinet baffled

On or about 20 August, STF Cabinet members received a strange e-mail.  The sender identified himself as Mr. Ashiq Ali, and invited the recipient to the opening of Mehreen Carpets & Novelties in Dubai, United Arab Emirates.  What made the e-mail even more inquisitory was that it referred to the recipient as "Commanding Officer of the ship."  Rent-a-Experts speculated that the mail was an advertisement that was either intentionally sent to STF's cabinet, or was sent by mistake.  They would have made further analyses, but their time had expired and they needed to take part in a newscast.

Garfield, Odie, Hughes to begin new SNN newsletter

In an attempt to deliver information about ships and their sims to the common STFian, FComm-4 Larry "Vince" Garfield, FComm-6 Seamus "McBain" Hughes, and USS Arbuckle XO Odie have conspired to create a new SNN periodical entitled Fleet Beat.  Based on the semi-popular WeBBsights column of the same name, Fleet Beat will perform the same function it does in WS, only on a larger scale.  Says co-editor Odie, "Ruff ruff <drool> ruff <pant, pant> ruff ruff!"  Hughes and Garfield said the same thing, only without the drooling and the panting.  When asked if the newsletter would replace the current Fleet reports, Hughes said, "What?  Replace fleet reports?  Silly wanna-be reporter, nothing can replace those!"

Randy McCullick on eLOA pending court appeal

In an effort to try and make the current President more angry than he is, former AFComm-1 Randy "Johnson" McCullick has gone on an extended LOA.  McCullick says, however, that he will return to active duty once STF Holy Roman Empreror Spurlinmilian I is out of office.  "I just don't jive with him," said the Nimitz creator.  "He disses me, I dis him, it's not good karma.  I'll just be chillin' until he leaves."  Jive expert Barbara Billingsley noted that McCullick's use of the language was horribly wrong.  Kids, see Airplane for details.  Others were more apt to question his use of the lowercase "e."  Noted FComm-2 Mike "Can I play the piano anymore?" Ballway, "The uppercase 'e' is the preferred way of abbreviating 'extended' as in 'extended leave of absence.'  I just don't see how he can get away with it."

Phantom member surge causes need for 3 new ships

In Command, STF PDir Greg "Sure I can spit-shine my kitchen table" Hertzsch noted a need for a new ship in STF1.  Il Duce Bobnito Spurlinini apparently multiplied the comment by three, which resulted in three new ships being added to Fleet 1.  "I'd like to know what gigantic influx of members would need three new ships," said FComm-6 Seamus Hughes.  "3 ships?  I mean, that's like . . . like having a triumvirate of new ships."  The new ships in question are the Visigoth-class USS Apache, the McCoy class USS Ogawa, and another ship whose identity is a secret and whose CO is known only by the mysterious trade name "Cordell Garrett."

Return of the Morgan . . . er, Ashton

When former GMDir Deanne "J.P." Morgan left STF a few months ago, STFers wondered if they had seen the last of her.  Not so, as the now-Deanne "This name is much harder to ridicule" Ashton has returned, ready to sim and command again.  Over the long hiatus, she found time to marry fellow STFer Steve "Our cheese is much greener" Ashton, and wrote a book entitled The Six Faces of Commodore Johannsen, an account of her dealings in the seedy underworld of Hannibal, Missouri.  Headline News would like to welcome Miss Mo . . . er, Mrs. Ashton back to STF.  Now we just need to get used to the name.

 

IN THE HOT SEAT

Owen Townes, perennial engineer

Part 2 of the Owen Townes Story begins with the Owen Townes interview, which originally ran in issue II.33.  Townes, like many other interviewees, thought he was being pretty funny by offering witty answers.  Unfortunately, we were looking for serious, in-depth answers.  So it goes.  Thus, we present Part 2 of The Owen Townes Story.  Gentlemen, please tip your waiters and waitresses.

1. I have invented "Fruit by the Yard." Do you want some?
I always want some, just, not Fruit by the Yard, and not from you :)

2. Spell "existentialist.
Ah... just like you did

3. "Anyone who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad." Has this been true in your experience?
Absolutely. I hate dogs, my friend hates babies, we're both half good.

4. Use the Force, Owen.
I'd rather just laugh at them and make them feel stupid.

5. In a no-holds-barred grudge match, who would win: Leonardo da Vinci or Michaelangelo?
Michaelangelo! While da Vinci has the Bond-esque inventions, Michaelangelo's prowess with large pieces of rock just can't be beat.

6. Can you blow bubbles with your spit?
Yes, and even make them float.

7. What was it like being the STF Vice-President?
Um... boring, really. That was back when STF was very easy to maintain, and Greg did all the maintaining. All the VP spot was good for was giving Aaron Holland a reason to accuse me of abusing my power.

8. In 30 seconds or less, give me the gist of Jacqueline Suzanne's Valley of the Dolls.
Read the Cliffs Notes.

9. How does one solve world hunger?
Kill all the hungry people. Then you'll have even more food for the non-hungry people!

10.Who is your favorite SuperFriend and why?
Batman. 'cause he's got the brains, and a stupid little boy to follow him around doing the dirty work. "Robin, go get yourself killed. I'm gonna go hang with that foxie-looking Cat Woman. Save me if she turns bad."

 

KENT'S CORNER

Kent has week off

Adam Kent is off today.  He would, however, like his readers to know that he will be back next week, once he gets himself out of the Witness Protection Program.

 

H. SIMON GREGORY

We scoop WeBBsights like so many shovelfuls of coal

Forget the old games of Kick-da-Seamus or Jell-O Wars.  Pachisi is STF's newest game.  Based on Parchessi, Sorry! and Trouble, Pachisi pits four players against each other in an effort to get all four of their pieces home.  Players can create blocks (a favorite tactic of Pachisi grandmaster Mike "Countertop-a" Bourdaa) or "jump" opponents, sending them back to home.  Much swearing and threatening is involved.

Recently, the team of IDir Mike "Cord of wood-a" Bourdaa, AFComm-3 B.J. "Magnavox" Phillips, AFComm-6 Alan "Greenspan" Felts, and FComm-1 Mark "Spalding" Wilson have begun to hold 3:00 AM games, usually ending in Bourdaa being the winner.  In some instances, Phillips has won, and Wilson has won once.  These players like to call themselves the "Bored Gamers" and when they play Spades, the "Cardshark Captains."

In one memorable game, Seamus "Yellow Wonder" Hughes confessed that he still had the ability to win, despite being 1,336 squares behind the winner.  Another close game pitted FComm-2 Mike "I can't believe it's not Trafalgar" Ballway against Phillips for control of last place.  Ballway lost, though it was reportedly close.

Group leader Bourdaa informed SNN Headline News that each player has a standard seating arrangement.  "I take green, B.J. takes blue, Mark takes red, and either Alan or our guest takes yellow."  A minor civil war broke out recently over control of the blue seat.  Felts claimed that it gave him spooky supernatural powers, but Phillips maintained that he needed to defend the honor of Blue Jello [sic].

As the "Cardshark Captains," the Phantasmic Phour tackle games like Spades and Hearts while discussing STF.  "I'd like to see all cabinet problems resolved by a game of Spades," said Phillips.  Framers of the Articles of Organization are working on that particular request as we speak.

These days, Pachisi activity has lulled in favor of a new game -- high-stakes Blackjack, baby!  In such a game, Mike "Plank-a" Bourdaa advises inept STFians on how to play Blackjack . . . and win.  Part of the process involves betting everything you've got.  The other part involves using Felts's spooky supernatural powers to get the dealer to stop cheating.  For now, we'll leave the Cardshark Captains to their money, and cards, and hope that one day their abilities will be put to good use.  But, to quote Colin "Cut the red and green" Wyers, "Not bloody likely."

 

CLOSING REMARKS

Go, go gadget closing remarks

STF is a very different place than our forefathers knew.  With the Futura being replaced by the Revelation, the Ares being replaced by the Pict, and Fleet 1 gaining three ships, it's a very different world; made all the more different with the loss of Owen "No gas stations for the next three" Townes.  Cheer up, though.  Things can only get better (until they get worse).  But it can only get better, for real this time!  Now we have a USS Apache, a USS Ogawa, and a USS Aries that we can call our own (although the joy behind getting rid of the Ares was short-lived).

We here at SNN Headline News would like to stress that only 49.542% of the above information is factual, and the other 51.947% of it is false.  The other 4.189% of the information, then, does not exist.  And as always, we swear on the gravestone of J. Strom Thurmond that Headline News maintains a Journalistic Motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF events.  This disclaimer is not ours, but rather, was borrowed from SNN Update.  We hope they don't mind . . . or intentionally jam the mail chute.

Next time, we shall endeavor to bring you more from the all-new retina-friendly background, as well as H. Simon Gregory, Adam Kent, and we might even get ourselves a new interview.  Let's have a moment of silence for Owen "Two Townes" Over, who isn't dead but merely in Colorado.  On a side note, Colorado is the setting for many Stephen King stories, so look out, Townes!  It's best that we put the Misery of his leaving behind us.  It's time to Stand up and move on, even though the ranks are Thinner now that Townes has left us in Desparation.  Had you gotten up angry, you would have Rose Madder.  You probably woke angry because you had to work the Night Shift.  What do you call someone who hits Victorious eng-1 Thomas Gleason?  A Tommyknocker!  You'll have to Stand By Me while we work out these puns, which becoming increasingly more frightening.  We should be hit by some Trucks.  Okay, that was the last one, we promise.

Children of the Corn!