Okay, so you expected a Headline News quite a bit earlier than this, but you can understand that it's the beginning of a new school year for many STFians, including yours truly.  That's why SNN Headline News is a month late.  What?  You expected bi-weekly service year-round?  In any case, we know that the news presented here is a month old, but take it with a milligram of sodium chloride.

STF on LOA; President blames illegal immigrants

Reading Command last week was more like being at a travel agent than inside STF's control center.  LOAs were declared by no fewer than three COs: Ogawa CO Deanne "Do you really think that's going to work on me?" Ashton, Aries CO Cordell "Please return to your homes and places of barbecuing" Garrett, and Constellation CO Mike "Why won't this lousy hamburger start?" Ballway.  Of the LOAs, Ashton's and Ballway's were moving-related (the former moving to Florida, the latter moving back to his college, located near Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute) while Garrett's was declared an emergency, since he would be having limited computer use for some reason or another.

The LOAs were rather brief, but that doesn't change one point: these people cannot devote time to role-playing because of illegal immigrants.  As such, STF Queso mojoso Bob "We're going to keep Checkers whether they like it or not" Spurlin passed an edict called "Proposition 24," which requires all illegal immigrants to be deported from STF.  One STFian noted, "At least we'll have more money for the Bear Patrol."

STFians fight for their rights, dinner

Command last week was the scene of an extended finger-wagging session by STF Queso mojoso Bob "God'll get you for that, Walter" Spurlin.  The charge was excessive swearing, including use of the taboo "F word."  No parties were named, but some were planned, several of them the surprise variety.  Spurlin noted that STF will not tolerate such language, a prudent statement, continuing a long tradition of allowing minor swearing where necessary, but overall keeping the boards PG-13.  Now, though, STFians seem to want to fight for their right to swear.  Others want to see STF put under the hold of a fanatical dictator, whose name will be released at a later date.

Izzy "I'm sorry, but does this Bill of Rights include gratuity?" Harris was the most outspoken advocate for a right to swear and use foul language in general.  He noted that our forefathers fought the British from 1775-1781 so that Americans everwhere would have a right to swear, no matter where they lived.  "He's right, you know," stated Columbiana professor Gaylord C. Berkowitz.  "The mercantilism of England put a damper on the ability of the Americans to swear.  In fact, the entire Declaration of Independence is an elaborate parody of their inability to swear.  The long words and sentences of the document make fun of the need for the colonists to use their brains to come up with insults, in lieu of firing four-letter words at their opponents."  Harris further maintained that it was the outlawing of swearing that began the Holocaust.  "He's right again," noted Berkowitz.  "The Nazis refused to allow the Jews to swear.  That was the proverbial goose that layed the golden egg.  Or do I have the wrong idiom?  I'll get back to you."  Whatever the truth about swearing, Newspeak advocates are applauding Harris for his misuse of history and may vote him to be the Party President.

Wyers, Burchette promoted; slated to host 'Starfleet Awards'

In what can only be called another instance of STF Queso mojoso Bob "I do not, nor have I ever known, anyone named 'Colin Wyers' " Spurlin taking a fast from alcoholic beverages (and then starting again), Vice President Colin "12-gauge" Wyers and FComm-5 Nikolle "You call that a knife?" Burchette have been promoted.  The news was broken last week, with Wyers being promoted to Admiral and Burchette to Commodore.  Skeptics pointed out that the soup reeked of rank inflation, but STF Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan was able to quell the inflation with a hike in interest rates.  Noted Wyers, "Finally I can deal with that pesky Larry Garfield.  I'll get you, you wasciwy wabbit!"  Burchette was more upbeat with her commments, saying, "You'll pay . . . every last one of you!"

On another topic, the newly-promoted team of "Burchette and Wyers" will host the 201st annual Starfleet Awards, live from the Boothby Theatre at Starfleet Command in San Francisco.  Favorites for "Best Captain" include Seamus Hughes, B.J. Phillips, and Jaret Hargreaves.  The award for "Best Ship," however, is a strong Fleet 5 - Fleet 6 rivalry.  The nominees are: USS Titania, USS Revalation, USS Merlin, and USS Pict.  Guards will be present at the event and will be carrying Blammo® brand vaporizers, should trouble arise.

 

IN THE BRIEFS

Illinois Smith and the Vending Machine

While the Coke Response Team fumbled about looking for its lost leader, FComm-Coke Larry "Scary" Garfield, the mysterious Vending Machine remained unfound.  Enter Illinois Smith, archaeologist for the CRT and afficionado of Coca-Cola.  Along with friend Sallah, his job was to find the Vending Machine and save the day before the forces of evil could descend upon our fair city.  Unfortunately, he met his father on the way.  Enter Dr. Heinrich Smith, Sr., a Pepsi-sided historian and father to Illinois Smith.  He is noted for his ability to drink Pepsi and annoy Illinois by calling him "junior."  Will they find the Vending Machine?  When they find it, will they be able to choose the right Coca-Cola product?  Tune in next time for the next exciting eadventure of Illinois Smith to find out!

Contraband election bids reach apex of confusion

While it is technically not Kosher to announce election bids before the election, there is nothing that legally prohibits STFians from doing so.  This is why several election bids have been announced, checked, re-checked, and checked again.  What began as a seemingly normal race has spiraled out of control into . . . well, into a race that isn't so normal after all.  SNN researcher Penelope M. Hossentheffer has finally come up with the names of the election tickets.  In no particular order, they are: Carter/Hughes, Hertzsch/Felts, Wyers/Phillips, Longanbach/Gunty, and Bob Hope.  Once again, it seems that three of the tickets are the old standbys that we remember from our childhood: Hertzsch, Longanbach, and Bob Hope.  Rent-a-Experts are unsure whether Hope will live long enough to make the election, or for that matter whether he is alive right now.  A team of telemarketers is investigating.

ED decides mass confusion is very funny

In yet another story that can only further prove that EDir Colin "Magnetic" Wyers is pure evil, the ED announced last week that all technology would have to be re-submitted.  Dockmaster Randy "PowerMac" McCullick explains, "You see, we at the ED don't keep records very well.  As such, we didn't know what technology was okay and which required a severe lashing.  So, we made everyone's day and announced a re-submission of technology.  So much fun!"  McCullick said that the ED toyed with the idea of requiring re-submission of ships, but admitted that the ED's Dark Tower wouldn't be able to stand a lynching of such magnitude.  EDir Wyers could not be reached for comment, as he was inside the Fortress of Doom, which in turn was inside a swamp.  An alligator in the foreground was the only clue as to the whereabouts of the EDir and his Fortress.

 

H. SIMON GREGORY

Borg have changed in recent years

Remember the good old days, when the Borg would use their funny cybernetic arm extensions to assimilate the populace?  Or when the Borg cube didn't have an eerie green glow, or when there was no color at all to the interior of said cubes?  Those days seem to be past, as today's "modern" Borg phase out the old-fashioned technologies in favor of hipper, more high-tech ideas.  SNN Headline News correspondent Arthur Treacher had the chance to interview 3rd of 5, one of the Borg who was responsible for the massive overhaul.

"We do not like simple things," said 3rd of 5.  "We enjoy complicated things, like a jet engine or the instructions for programming our VCR.  This is why we changed our designs to a more complex approach.  Simplicity is futile.  You will like John Deere instead."

Instead of long arm-extensions, the modern Borg of today use funny devices on their hands that shoot cords from the device to the victim, infusing him with "nano-probes," cell-sized machines that turn the victim into a Borg.  In the olden days, there was no explanation for how one was "Borgified."  It was just accepted that Borgification would happen, and we didn't question it.  "With the introduction of nano-probes, it is much easier to undo Borgification," noted 3rd of 5.  "This provides a nice plot element for your television shows."

The Borg Cube has also changed. What was once a very dark, grim three-dimensional form now has an eerie green glow to it.  "Martha Stewart suggested that one," said 3rd.  "She said the green accented the black and white of the cube interior, and reminded her of nearly being assimilated; a memory she holds dear to her heart."  And now, the Borg have introduced a sphere, a device that is capable of time-travel.  "Also a convenient plot device.  In our opinion, time-travel to the late 20th century isn't done nearly as much as it should be."

3rd of 5 also shared with us some plans for future ehancements to the Borg.  "In years to come, we will be outfitted with a 'cruise director' unit that will be responsible for planning activities aboard the various Cubes.  It gets boring out in space, even with billlions of voices chatting away like there was no tomorrow.  We have also ordered 'How is our assimilating?' bumper-stickers.  The Borg Queen saw those in a catalog and had to have them, along with a set of clever regeneration chamber magnets.  Hmm, let us think . . . yes, we will also retro-fit the Cubes with Primestar satellite television.  Their selection of programming is unmatched this side of the Barzan wormhole."

No matter how they redecorate, onlookers say that this is a change for the better.  "I'm glad the Borg have changed," said Enterprise Captain Jean-Luc Picard.  "Back when I was Locutus -- did I mention that I was Locutus? -- anyway, back then it was all black and white and what-not.  Then, mysteriously, somewhere around 2373, the Borg changed most of their technologies.  I still can't explain the abruptness of that one.  In any case, I'm glad they don't clash anymore."  Others aren't so optimistic.  Officer Cosgrove could only say, "Hey Freakazoid, wanna go to the Spackle Museum?"  His haunting words are perhaps a foreshadowing of things to come.

 

AND NOW, WE ADJOURN TO THE STUDY

Brandy, cigars, and closing remarks

When you put all three together, the yuppy quotient of the room increases exponentially (the sole variable is amount of brandy).  To figure the yuppy quotient (yq), use the following formula: yq = p(b)² + c, where p = amount of people, b = amount of brandy, and c = number of cigars.  Closing remarks do not figure into the equation, as they are not real numbers.  In fact, they're not numbers at all, but the final section of SNN Headline News II.42.  We hope you reveled in the glory of H. Simon Gregory and our lack of Interview and Adam Kent, as well as the audacity of our Headlines.

As with all parties, we swear on Uncle Bill's lamp-shade that SNN Headline News will remain true to its pasteurized Journalistic Motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF events (no disease for us).  This Motto is subject to change at any time.  Warning: no user servicable parts.  Help wanted; apply within.  Or, get your degree now!  You can major in Business Management or Accounting.

Next time on SNN Headline News: H. Simon Gregory feels the loss of his only stuffed animal, while columnist Mike Ballway flees from justice, framed by a mysterious figure called the "one-legged man."  The search continues for MIA Fleet Correspondent Faith Anne Bronsing, and Dom DeLuise joins us for some cuisine that will make you salivate like nobody's business.  We ga-ron-tee!