Yes, friends, it's that time again -- the time for what SNN Update called a "periodic massive social upheaval," or something to that extent. It's election season, which just happens to fall in the month of October for this latter part of the year. We at SNN Headline News have decided that it is our duty as a publication to inform the public about the candidates. To begin, STF Premier Vladmir Ilych Wyers pulled Edict no. 4 out of his carpet-bag. The Edict officially began the election process on October 4 and appointed IDir Mike "Squealer" Bourdaa to the office of EC.

After accepting a second by Izzy "Ed" Harris, "Horticulture" Hughes has announced that his running mate will be none other than Seraph CO "Cretaceous" Carter. The former, a current FComm-6 and Revalation CO, has not run for President before, but hinted over the summer that he would run with various running mates. The latter, a Seraph CO and noted dairy farmer, has not run for president before, either. Experts deliberated for several days before coming to the conclusion that neither of them had as yet made a move for the Key to the Washroom.

This is the third election bid for the team of "Loathsome" Longanbach and "Gratuitous" Gunty, after having tried unsuccessfully last year and the year before. Longanbach is CO of Fleet 2's USS Nautilus, while Gunty is the GM of Fleet 5's USS Merlin. Both Longanbach and Gunty contributed, along with former President Bob "Reagan" Spurlin, to the development of the "daily ship" which we now know as Titania.

As with Longanbach/Gunty, the team of "Homespun" Hertzsch and "Fictional" Felts have tried three times before to become President. However, unlike the previous team, this duo has (partially) had experience in the driver's seat. In 1997, Hertzsch/Townes was a dominating force in STF that was credited with the creation of the WeBB (however, Hertzsch should be blamed for the induction of a certain SNN Associate Editor into STF).

Another bunch of rookies, "Surreptitious" Speck and "Philanthropical" Phillips are going up against some stiff competition. Fleet Captain Speck is the CO of the Athena in Fleet 3, and Captain Phillips is the COS of the Athena, also in Fleet 3. Onlookers suspect that if this duo is elected, the Athena will be adopted as the Flagship of STF.

What's with all these rookies? The team of "Catalytic" Coll and "Arbitrary" Ashton has not a single Presidential run betwixt them. However, both have had administrative experience. Coll is the current GMDir, and Ashton was, once upon a time, the Academy Commendant. It should be taken into account, however, that both Coll and Ashton are natives of the United Kingdom, which means that we shall call this campaign "The Island Duo."

Spurned by what he later called "demonic voices that only I [could] hear," STF Engineer-to-the-Stars Owen "Areas with small populations are called" Townes announced a write-in campaign for STF President. Townes urged all devout STFians to place his name on the ballot instead of the candidates who took the time to set up campaigns. Electee "Herbivorous" Hertzsch noted that "if I ever get my hands on him, you can consider him as good as throttled!"

Odds are much more favorable for STFians that have run for the office in the past. This puts "Hereditary" Hertzsch and "Lycanthropy" Longanbach in the first place position right now. Don't discount "Hymenoptera" Hughes, either -- he's popular with all the ladies and most of the gentlemen (although he has developed several enemies in Fleets 4 and 5). As for "Serendipity" Speck and "Cumbersome" Coll, they'll have to do a lot of convincing to make STF believe that they're the right person for the job. Conventional Wisdom says that STFians will want an old-timer (meaning people from both Prodigy and the beginning of the WeBB) in the driver's seat after the Spurlin Administration. The most recent polls indicate that 74% of STFians would like to see Bill Gates made STF President, and . . . oh, you know where this joke is going. We won't expend unnecessary energy.

SNN Headline News is quite aware that many STFians don't read MOTDs at all; rather, they rely on information gained from nefarious periodicals such as this one. As such, we present to those types who dare not to read MOTDs the rules for elections (which can be found, you scoundrels, at www.s-f.com/oec/). The letter here was originally issued by IDir Adm. Mike "Ike" Bourdaa.

Long-gone are the days of Carmen Sandiego and MadMaze; of GUTS and NOVA; of cabbages and kings. Prodigy, the very online service that spawned STF, is gone today. On 2 October 1999, at 12:00 midnight EDT, Prodigy Interactive Personal Service ceased to exist, taking with it a bygone era in the history of STF and many of its members. It ceased thanks not only to its Y2K incompatibility, but because it had become a burden to the folks at MicroStar (or whoever bought Prodigy) who realized they were losing more and more to AOL, and more recently, MSN, the giants of the online service industry. Prodigy was never cut out for the big leagues, anyway. Its software was proprietary and confusing, its intracacies sometimes irritating, but through it all STF-Prodigy members managed to create an RPG that has survived markedly unchanged.

"Of all the words of quill or pen, the saddest are these: 'that it might have been.' " Samuel Taylor Coleridge spoke those words, and one is left wondering what indeed might have been if Prodigy had remained active, and STF with it. Would the WeBB be the melting-pot it is today? Where would Fleets 1 and 2 be? They are questions that lead one to believe that STF would be better off with all its proverbial ducks in a row on the Internet. Others, like Randy McCullick and Mike Bourdaa, aren't as happy (in fact, Bourdaa will publish on the WeBB both eulogies to Prodigy that were received in the STF area). Like the death of Boston's Liberty Tree, so too does the death of Prodigy mark the end of a landmark in STF history. Its is a story that makes Prodigy members yearn for the days gone by, and makes those who couldn't experience Prodigy yearn for that same past even more.

On 20 September, the unprecedented (well, probably precedented) announcement came in the form of Edict no. 23. Bob "Richard M." Spurlin, known widely as "El Spurlinador," "Otto von Spurlinburg," and El queso mojoso, has resigned his position as President of STF. Citing health problems, Spurlin appointed Colin "Gerald Ford" Wyers as the new Cheese-in-Chief until the elections in October. Health problems seem to have plagued Spurlin throughout his administration. Indeed, he took an extended LOA over the summer for surgery. He will be sorely missed by his friends and enemies alike.

Imagine you're a half-Q that has a bone to pick with Betazed. What do you do? Eliminate the Tak System, of course (as for the rest, that's confidential)! And if you guessed that this article dealt with Alexia Witherspoon and the Fleet 6 fleetwide, then congratulations -- you read the headline.

That is basically the plot of the sim, organized by noted Fleet 6 mobsters Adm. Colin "High" Wyers and AGMDir Brian "Wolf moss, though it may seem to be, isn't really a type of" Moss. The plot is as such: one day the inhabitants of the Tak System and nearby Starbase 277 are minding their own business when suddenly they disappear without a trace. Attribute the mass extermination to demi-Q Alexia "What kind of a last name is this for an omnipotent being?" Witherspoon. She's half-Q, half-Betazoid, all angry. To get her revenge on the Betazoids who ostracized her, she's going to do something terribly nasty to the poor empaths -- but what? Stay tuned for continuing updates on the Fleet 6 situation as it removes creases from itself.

Messrs. Michael "J" and Larry "O" have finally gotten their act together with the latest version of the STF Articles of Organization. As it has been heard time and time again, the AO are a document that would once and for all put in writing the nebulous "traditions" that have governed STF in the past. The aforementioned Ballway and Garfield began the project in 1997, and despite real-life troubles and communications difficulties, the latest version seems to be better than the old one. Said Garfield of the project, "I'm really glad that I got Steven and Bob Zemeckis in on this and . . . whoops, wrong reporter." If he had remembered where he was, surely Mr. Garfield would have commented that the AO are a good thing that will eventually make STF comprehensible to everyone.

It has become harder and harder to get elected in STF, what with five nominations and acceptances in the first week. The competition is heated, as most of the electees have about the same credentials. One wonders what it is exactly that will separate the winners from the losers. Enter The Technology Shop, Jason "Y" Lee's transdimensional one-stop shop for absolutely anything. Lee, like all devout capitalists, takes advantage of special events when they knock on his door to peddle a subscription to the Antedian Herald-Tribune. This week, the Technology Shop's owner announced a special on election technology that is sure to stifle any competition -- either by reason . . . or by force.

Soft Money Contribution Kit, =/299.73. This lovely Kit is a pre-assembled set of documents and pamphlets designed to get companies everywhere to contribute "soft money" to your party for the alledged purpose of "party activites." These "activities," as anyone with five-sixteenths of a grip on reality knows, are propaganda designed to promote a certain candidate. The Kit includes documents that record the transfer of money from large special interest groups (an up-to-date list of these groups and PACs is included, in case you're not sure where to start), and fill-in-the-blank pamphlets that try to sell you as a candidate. And just in case soft money becomes disputed in any major legislative houses, the Kit comes with a fourteen-hour Filibuster�-brand audio CD that explains, in the most confusing language possible by modern instruments, the pros of "soft money" contributions.

The Electee's Concise Guide to Demagoguery, =/149.12. Ever wanted to appeal to peoples' emotions like the pros? Now you can, with this handy volume from the authors of Doublethink for the Soul and How to Violate the Laws of Rhetoric Without Really Trying. Within the book's 741 pages are easy ways for beginners to exploit the feelings of society toward a particular issue. It's also a handy refresher course for career politicians who have become so incumbent that they needn't worry about campaigning at all. Chapters 1-6 deal with "Issues that the public feels strongly about," and chapters 7-57 discuss ways to use these issues to your advantage. Want to give nonexistent relavance to a meaningless discussion about Klingons and Romulans? Use the word "Khitomer" in the opening sentence -- even if out of context -- and everything you say thereafter will be given immediate importance.

10,001 Ways to Mudsling, =/89.06. Though the title may not evoke a sense of greatness, most politicians say that this handy pocket guide is their best weapon against honest campaigners. "I'll bet Goldwater wished he had one of these," noted Aldean President Lyndon Baines Daq'janab, referring to a recent election between himself and opponent Xanther Goldwater. 10,001 Ways to Mudsling includes the best tricks from history, tips from the pros, and new ideas from the authors. Several sections are devoted to "sex scandals and all-around past-dredging," as well as "taking your opponent's quotes out of context." You'll wonder how you ever won an election honestly once you implement such keen tactics as using large words to confuse an ignorant populace, "discovering" an opponent's criminal background (real police reports included -- you fill them in!), and making the most out of a seemingly innocuous expense account.

Spin Doctor-in-a-Box, =/1,999.83. While it is the most expensive item being offered by the Technology Shop, "Spin Doctor" comes with a live humanoid who is very proficient in the arts of advertising and public relations. A set of polls will allow you to track your own progress while the Spin Doctor boosts your image and promotes you ad nauseum. "Spin Doctor" includes the award-winning PsuedoPr�mium™ software that generates hundreds of major awards and credentials for you (not included: Avery Laser and InkJet Ready-Plaques). Order before November 3 and receive, at minimal charge, two "Yes-men" absolutely free! Listen as they agree with every brainheaded and stupifyingly moronic thing you have to say! The combination of "Spin Doctor" and "Yes-men" can produce a campaign that can be called, in one word, more contrived than Woodstock '99.

We can think of about three people in STF that will understand that joke, and none of them are Brandywine CO Nick "A stooge is another word for a" Lackie. If you're an avid Simpsons watcher and know anything about Bumblebee Man, you can guess where that was going. But why talk about Spanish when there are elections to be had? This time, we have a newer, more spiffy way to manage the elections. Prominent WeBB programmer Mike "The people's voting script!" Bourdaa developed a sub-pgoram of the WeBB to record and tabulate all of the election standings; the messy job of manually tabulating votes by email seems to be no more. They grow up so fast.

As siempre, we stand as firmly as Al Gore in a hurricaine that SNN Headline News will (especially during election season) remain true to its protein-enriched motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF events. Keep in mind that all proteins contain the caveat "R," where "R" is a different funny-looking chemical formula that changes depending on the protein.

Next time, we promise to have updated election news and even more recent biased standings for you, as well as the results of the primary elections. Remember, kids, that Issue no. 50 is a mere seven issues from the present date, and that we will for sure live up to all of our advertising (unlike some other things -- Episode I -- that have come out as of late). It's about right now that we can no longer feel our spines, we've been sitting for so long. As such, we are as we always are and ever shall be. Yours, yours, yours . . .

Send questions, comments, or concerns (no critcisms, please, they make us vote late and vote intermittently) to the News Chief.