Closing Remarks

At 9:00 PM EDT, STF Presidential Debates (or what more cynical types like to call "the Skewer") took place. Many in #star-fleet complained that all of the candidates were answering the questions the same way, until a question from a handsome, talented reporter put things in perspective (you got it; Matt Rauch asked thw question). "As President, what will you give to STF that none of the other candidates can give, or say that they will give?" was the inquiry, and replies varied from Hertzsch's explanation of his experience (something that he can give, yes, but in a positive way?) to Hughes's reply of "fun" (but then again, fun is a given. No one wants STF not to be fun) to Speck's insistence that all of the candidates are good people (a complete disregard of the question). From there, it seemed to be Hughes's debate, except during the end when he asked Hertzsch how his experience on Prodigy could translate into experience on the WeBB (our panel of fashion experts thought this was a cheap shot). Likewise, Hertzsch had a faux pas of the evening when, in response to the first thing he would do as President, Hertzsch said that "[his] first such action will be to review all previous presidential edicts and either reaffirm each one or modify any that need modifying." In short, he would toss the decisions he doesn't like and keep the ones he does. All of the candidates had their moments of destruction, but Headline News felt that the questions from the STFians were rather dull, and the questions from the candidates were nothing more than attempts to discredit opponents (but isn't that what debates are all about?).

By the end of the debates, candidate "Sesquipidalious" Speck had given up hope, saying that his first act as President would be to "throw a party. But it looks like it will take a [miracle] for me to win this thing." What had started out as a strong, assertive stance gradually dwindled to the point where Speck was passing on questions. When it came time to ask a question of the other candidates, Speck denied the opportunity to do so, and at the end, he again noted that it would require a miracle for him to win the election. After the debates, during the impromptu press conference, Speck made the announcement that he was dropping out of the race. In our opinion, Speck was too wishy-washy to be a President. He seemed to get too easily discouraged when he realized that he had given a bad response, something that must never happen to a President (getting easily discouraged, anyway).

It had to be more than a coincidence that STF Elections fell within the time period of Halloween; indeed, Elections are inherently frightening. Have no fear, though, as SNN Headline News is here to make sense out of the Elections and all of the demonic forces they encompass. First off, Elections this year will be jazzercised with the addition of a Primary ballot, as well as an Election program incorporated into the WeBB software (no more manual counting on lonely nights). Very few reprimands have been issued with regards to contraband posting (nothing election-related on ships of #star-fleet, please), and this has all the earmarks of a good election so far.

The results of this week's primaries are in, and the results don't look good for "Limey" Longanbach and "Cuprous" Coll (the latter having a valence of +1, to anyone who cares). The winners of the primaries were "Hessian" Hughes, "Heretical" Hertzsch, and "Sonambullic" Speck, carrying 49%, 15.6%, and 12.9% of the vote, respectively. And, thanks to the spiffy election program, statistics can be tabulated for the elections, producing such usless numbers as 147, 6, and 58.1%. Of course, any fool knows that the first number is how many STFians voted (out of a population of 253), the second represents abstentions, and the third is the percentage of STF that voted. What interests many historians (and number-crunchers) is that Speck edged out Coll by only one vote. This means, then, that the candidates for STF President have dwindled to "Hurtful" Hughes (who, in our opinion, has the best chance of winning; he had as much of STF voting for them as the other four put together), "Hemiplegic" Hertzsch, and "Soporific" Speck.

How appropriate that on Halloween we should talk about the new STF Yearbook. Yes, it's true. Yearbook operator Randy "Dr. Von Helsing" McCullick updated the yearbook, making it larger, more comprehensive, and more difficult to download. What is particularly fascinating is the addition of an "STF Meets" section, one that contains pictures of meetings between STFians. Coming up soon is a part cryptically titled "The STF Connection." Details are sketchy on this one, and it will be difficult to make a rendering from these sketches. The Yearbok can be found at www.star-fleet.com/yearbook.html. Of particular interest are photographs of an STFian who calls himself "William Shatner." The only thing that could be discerned in the photo was a shabby-looking toupee surrounded by an unemployed actor. Commander-in-Chief Colin "Trent Lott (that's really scary)" Wyers has apppointed a special committee to investigate.

Few could realize that as Fleet 4 celebrated its birthday (probably two years, we're not sure, and we don't want to find out), other Fleets would be lurking silently in the background, waiting to pounce on "The Forceful Fleet." Suddenly, the attack came when FComm-4 Larry "Creature from the Black Lagoon" Garfield declared Fleet 4 to be the best Fleet in STF. Dozens of onlookers heckled the Fleet 4 commander and asserted that their Fleet, not Fleet 4, was indeed truly the best Fleet. FComm-2 Mike "Myers" Ballway [the homicidal Mike Myers, not the funny one. If you have to ask which is which, it's best you stop reading right now. --Ed.] announced an alliance of STF-Prodigy Fleets against those tyrannical WeBB upstarts, all of which encompassed Fleets 1 and 2. Currently, a war is raging in the OOC to determine which Fleet is exactly the best. To quote Fleet 6 commander Seamus "The Mummy" Hughes, "This is a day that will live in infantry . . . I mean, infancy . . . er, oh never mind."

In one can only be called another one of our famous errors, SNN Headline News printed erroneous information in its last issue. The incorrect sentence read, " . . . both Coll and Ashton are natives of the United Kingdom, which means that we shall call this campaign "The Island Duo." Stuart "Jack O'Lantern" Coll, the current GMDir, alerted us to the fact that he is a native of the Republic of Ireland, a country that is decidely different from the United Kingdom's Ireland (N. Ireland). We regret our malicious disregard for geography and the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. As a side note, a recent poll indicated that 51% of STF likes cookies, and the other 52% cannot correctly do arithmetic.

STFians who frequent the master roster will note several new faces (or names, rather, since faces are not recorded on the roster). They emerged quite recently, just within the month of October. One of them calls himself "Count Dracula," but urges STFians to "call [him] Vlad." Dracula (or Vlad) maintains that he is in STF purely for the GMing. "I try to make my sims as violent as possible," said the Count with a thick Romanian accent. "That way, there is more blood at the end." Some STFians, particularly those on the USS Seraph, were wary of the new member. Noted CO Butch "Sundance Kid" Carter, "There's something about him that screams, 'I'm going to suck your blood in your sleep.'" Critics were quick to silence Carter, claiming that he was overreacting.

Members tend to come in waves, and it appears that Mr. Dracula brought some friends with him. "Madam, I'm Adam," noted the 7'0" eng-6 of the USS Ogawa. "For some reason, people are content with calling me 'Frank.' Where did they get that idea? Frank is my father's name. MY name is Adam!" When asked why he requested a medical ship, Frank said that "medical experiments are my livelihood. I had to make money after I was thrown out of my own town. I mean, you throw one little girl into . . . oh, I've said too much. Good-bye."

Only one new member refused to talk to WeBBSights -- Ensign Ramses III of the USS Trinitron. He did, however, provide us with written messages. "Sorry that I can't talk," wrote Ensign Ramses, "but my jaw has been missing for the last thousand years. You know, a lot of people don't remember what Ramses III did. They say, 'Oh, Ramses II, he's the greatest!' But little do they remember that I was the first pharaoh to devise low-income housing for the peasants. And now I'm a corpse!" Mr. Ramses finished the letter by writing, "To whatever wiseacre left some natron in my abdominal cavity -- not funny! It's been chafing me since the Pax Romana!"

The strangest member -- even moreso than Ramses III and Count Dracula -- is an ensign known only by the name "Billy Jekyll." Working in the medical department of the Ogawa, Ensign Jekyll has been known to experiment with chemical solutions he concocts in his laboratory. "It's scary," commented Ogawa CO Deanne Ashton. "One minute he's a strapping young man, and the next he's a thief and a killer! I think it's something in the food replicators." Food replicators were searched for strange foodstuffs (most notably fruitcake from last year's Christmas party) but none were found. Captains, Ensign Jekyll should not be trusted in the medical department. For that matter, none of these other new recruits can be trusted anywhere. The Personnel Department was quoted as saying, "Why not just stick them in a deserted, haunted mansion? Larry Garfield is selling his, anyway."

After being the product of countless films, books, and other disparaging publicity, Count Dracula (known to his friends as Prince Vlad Dracula of Romania) has decided to speak out about his image. The real Count is much more demure than one would think, but then again, how lively can the undead be?

Vell, I tink dat dey are afraid of having deir blood drunk. Ven de people from de blood bank see me hanging around, dey beef up security. I'm a customer just like everyone else!

You know, Bram and I worked on a number of projects together -- Interview with the Undead, The Blood-Drinking Chronicles -- and none of these seemed to vork. Den, he struck pay blood with Dracula, vich vas of course my memvoir. He vas just trying to make a living, dat's all.

Vell, it's a sign of de times when vooden stakes are no longer vood. Dey're vood electroplated onto formica dese days. Things just aren't the same anymore. I mean, even sunlight is portable -- dey have dose fancy "full-spectrum" lights nowadays. Sure, it does de same job, but vere's the strategy?

You know how dey say dat de rarest things in life are the best. Blood is no exception; AB is by far my favorite type. And before you ask, no, I don't like dat rancid Rh factor. It spoils de whole meal and leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

5. In a no-holds-barred cage match, who would win: the Wolfman or Frankenstein?

Dis is a qvestion dat has puzzled me for a long time now -- 300 years, to be precise. I vould have to say Volfman, because he is so qvick and Frank is so slow. I suppose ven you are made of assorted body parts, speed isn't your greatest asset.

Let me see . . . ow! Lousy fangs. No, I regretfully reply that I cannot touch my nose vith my tongue. I can, however, turn into a bat. How many people can do dat?

It's now de mash. It's now de Monster Mash. You can blame Dr. Frankenstein for dat. I don't see vat's so great about it. Vat is a "mash," anyway? It's a pie, not a dance!

I appealed to my fellow vampire friends (lawyers, of course), and dey told me dat I didn't have a case. "It's like dat Vindows and Mac problem," they said. "It's just different enough to get out of infringement." It's on de appeal, dough. And I must say dat Count Chocula looks nothing like me. I suppose dat's defamation of character, as well.

Wery dead; even more so than I. Strange ting, Bela -- his portrayal of me is von of de reasons for my being globally feared. I mean, did you know dat for three consecutive years I was on de list of "De Most Hated and Feared Persons in History"? I vas never number von, though. In fact, Richard Nixon beat me in 1974. Carter did de same in '76. Anyway, I blame Bela for dat. I'm not really a mean guy, just misunderstood.

So ends another terrifying edition of SNN Headline News, made all the more frightening by the addition of several Halloween references. We enjoy Halloween so much, in fact, that we strove to get this issue out on time just to please our readers. My, the sacrifices that we make. In any case, this issue was quite fun to write, and we must confess that we began to feel sorry for poor Dracula as we left his large, haunted mansion in Transylvania. But, life goes on (except for Dracula, who, well, isn't alive).

We should remind readers that we remain true to our brain-eating Journalistic Motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF events. And whatever you do, don't recite the Motto five and-a-half times in front of a mirror, or else the Starfleet News Network staff will appear behind you and deluge you with awful jokes and mind-numbing QuoteGags™.

Next week we shall return with the final election edition (the one that gives you the skinny on who won the election) and our normal colors. As for us, we're content to sneak into SNN Center late at night on Halloween and T.P. the WeBBsights offices (just don't tell anyone). If there's time, we'll find Fleet 2 headquarters and do the same thing there.

Send questions, comments, or concerns (no critcisms, please, they make us rise from the grave) to the News Chief.