Apparently, when Todd "Black and" White sent messages to members of command concerning his resistance, no one paid much attention. When he ordered President Hughes to surrender the club to him, everyone laughed. Well, they're laughing all the way to the Dangerous Underground Plutonium Mines. That's right; Todd White has succeeded in overthrowing the government. Along with a band of resistance, he charged Starfleet Command with his army and successfully took the President hostage. Hughes, under threat of banana creme pie, handed over control of STF to White and his band of rapscallions. Thereupon, he disbanded all cabinet departments and decreed that correct spelling should be a crime.

Members may remember that not too long ago, White was a disgruntled STFian that was fed up with the lackluster organization of the club (and his own lack of promotions, we believe). Problems began when White wrote to FComm-4 Larry "Bird" Garfield asking about the progress of his to-be-graded engineering exam. After a rough exchange of words, White stated that he would inform the President of Garfield's and security class teacher Elana "Paul" Rubin's behavior. At the same time, he wrote to several cabinet departments (including AEDir) and claimed that since he was a commander who had passed several academy exams, he should be removed from the USS Challenger. When it was discovered that this was, of course, a malicious lie, he began then to start taking control of and blowing up ships, beginning with Fleet 1's USS Ogawa and progressing to Fleet 3's USS Athena. In a series of emails to the Command Mailing List, White threatened to lead a resistance that would destroy the club, and demanded that he be given control of STF. His threat was that he would write Paramount about the use of the term "star-fleet," as well as other evidence gained from his short tenure here, and force STF to be shut down. Banning him would be useless, he claimed, because his rebellion allegedly had so many members (two to date) that it could bring down STF from the inside. Command was instead content to get a jolly chuckle over this, and proceeded to ban White and his co-conspirator, known STF troublemaker Jose "Viva la revolucion!" Cortiatos. When White then proceeded to email-bomb the server, WeBB coder Mike "Viva la ID!" Bourdaa took action to ban messages from him to star-fleet.com.

We laughed a little, but now we're not laughing anymore. Just yesterday, Todd White was installed as STF Dictator-for-Life, with Jose Cortiatos to be his Vice-Dictator-for-Life. When asked by WeBBsights what he would do with the club, White disbanded all STF media organizations and imposed a gag on all speech not regulated by his henchmen, who were in reality a pair of duck-billed platupi with serious eating disorders. [After we went to press, White brought down the mailing list, which was promptly resurrected by the Fearless Bourdaa.]

No more outdated and silly "Wyers" QuoteGags, oh no. This time, we have the pleasure of eight months of Hughes QuoteGags. In an election that proved to be as close as it was precedent-setting, Fleet 6's favorite FComm became the next Commander-in-Cheese, outselling his competitor, Greg "I pray at the" Hertzsch [it only works if you pronounce 'Hertzsch' correctly]. The election, which originally had five participants, included such STF firsts as five candidates, primary elections, and a candidate dropping out. Stuart "Smalley" Coll and Mark "Wahlberg" Longanbach were eliminated during the primaries, James "II (you know: Glorious Revolution James)" Speck dropped out after the debates, and most recently, Greg "Sean Connery says, 'Give 'till it' " Hertzsch was ousted in the final round of voting. SNN Headline News would like to thank all those who participated in the election. We set a record, kids!

Hughes's first Edict was the standard fire/hire Edict for the Cabinet. Much like the Treaty of Ghent, everything went back to the way it was before Bob "Napoleon" Spurlin (which isn't to say that he was a short Frenchman who constantly had his hand in his shirt). Larry "Nermal's nemesis is" Garfield was reappointed to FComm-4, Nathan "Greene" Miller was reappointed to the ED, Colin "Heart of Darkness" Wyers was reappointed to FComm-6, "John" Paul Jones was given the poisition of Academy Commandant (and command of STF's newest ship, the Bonhomme-Richard), and Greg "Sean Connery says, 'One thousand cycles per second is equal to one'" Hertzsch was reappointed to the office of the PDir. Some major "shakeups" occured when Butch "Anthony" Carter was appointed to IDir, but that is all explained in a later story which is very cleverly titled.

Dare we extend this story to a galling three paragraphs? It must be made so to incorporate the President's 2nd Edict, which officially made the NMC a Presidential Advisory Council. Jim Fixx, SNN Director of Irony, noted that the acronym for "President's Advisory Council" is the same as that for "Political Action Committee." Eyebrows were raised, and soon Hughes was being questioned about the NMC. "Relax," assured Hughes to members of the press and Legion of Decency, "it's not like I'm taking bribes from Krystelle Bromilow!" Hughes's eyes darted back and forth, then he threw a fog capsule on the ground, ascending through a skylight and out into the night.

STF President "If you'd had said Smurfs, there'd have been trouble" Hughes shocked STFians today by releasing all cabinet members and replacing them with, of all things, Knights of the Round Table. The GM Department is now headed by Sir Mordred, the Personnel Department by Sir Gawain, the Engineering Department by Sir Gaheris, the Internet Department by Sir Gareth, and the Academy by Sir Agravaine. Even more mind-boggling are the changes in Fleet commands. FComm-1 Mark "Funky Bunch" Wilson has been replaced by Sir Ector, and Mike "I wish my garbage can had 'Holy Cross' on it" Ballway has given way to King Pellinore. James "A minute amount is a" Speck has had his fleet relegated to Sir Galahad, Larry "Flynt" Garfield has been pushed aside in favor of Sir Grummore, Nikolle "I'd have called 'em 'chazwazzers' " Burchette has been replaced by Sir Bedivere, and Seamus "Arthur" Hughes has appointed Sir Lancelot to commmand his old fleet. Many STFians weren't surprised. Noted former FComm-2 Mike "I like Ike" Ballway, "Now I can finally devote my time to catching that insipid Questing Beast!"

Last week, the Internet department surprised and horrified many STFians with the news that STF had created its official room, #star-fleet, on a network called SandNet. For many months now, former IDir Mike "El Presidente of all Cuba" Bourdaa had been looking for a replacement to STF's current network, DALnet. The network had a tendency to attract illicit bots and lots of advertisements, as well as hostile people in general. The final blow was struck recently, when DALnet banned connections originating from AOL. After a move to SandNet that was relatively "pretty," as described by IDir Butch "Jimmy" Carter, the room was found deleted and had to be re-formed. So far, nothing conclusive has come from the IDir (something that shouldn't surprise most STFians; how many times does something conclusive come from the Cabinet?) concerning chat rooms. For now, #star-fleet can be found on both networks.

In the beginning, it seemed like a good thing. AO co-author Cdre. Larry "The GORBInator" Garfield asked members of STF to preview the newly revised articles of the Articles of Organization and give him their feedback. The exercise began rather blandly (as all things like this are apt to do), but turned downright wicked when off-topic posts began surfacing in the AO subjects. Most recently, a terrifying thread concerning ranks and positions acheived new peaks of irrelevance when MOTGR maintenance director Mike "I . . . I can't move my arms" Ballway announced that posts concerning that issue would be voided. The question on the floor was, "Should the President and Vice-President be given the honorary ranks of Fleet Admiral and Vice Fleet Admiral, respectively?" Many answers came from all sides, climaxing in the postage of a blatantly incorrect table of ranks and positions by STF troublemaker Israel "Of course I like cheese" Harris.

With nothing to do these days but sit in his tower (nicknamed "Orthanc" by the locals), STF coding necromancer Mike "Only my friends call me Sauruman" Bourdaa used his power for good this time. The potion he has concoted is effWeBB 3.0, the latest version of the software that allows captains to delete AWOL crewers and occasionally post a note. Instead of a meager timestamp changer, effWeBB 3.0 will allow users to backtrack from a certain date they choose, among other enhancements. "It's becoming more and more like Prodigy," noted son Seamus "Hughes the Force, Luke" Hughes. "Dad has this rabid desire to make the WeBB better and better. I wish he would just stick to conquering Middle-Earth." In a rare interview, Bourdaa told Headline News that the new WeBB could be expected by February, about the same time when EDir Colin "I am the last one!" Wyers is expected to launch his opposing forces from the Engineering Department, where the shadows lie.

If you thought that pun was awful, then you might as well stop reading right now. Aside from that, WeBB coder and disputed father of Seamus Hughes Mike "Yes, but can you grill it?" Bourdaa will no longer be the familiar face that once graced the office of the Internet Director. Earlier this year (about August), Bourdaa mentioned that once Spurlin's term was over, he would leave the Department. When asked if he would continue his domineering control of WeBB coding, Bourdaa's reply was a sincere, "No, you fool! I'm going to leave it up to several ninnies who couldn't BASIC their way out of a paper bag!" Once our reporter was informed that Bourdaa was being sarcastic, the questions continued. The primary function of the new IDir will be maintenance of the various pages and of the official IRC chat room, #star-fleet. Said Bourdaa, "Now I can finally spend more time with my son. Playing catch, hiding skunks in his bed -- you know, fatherly stuff."

SNN's second-most popular nonsensical columnist is off for the week. He will return for the Holiday Issue of Festivity & Joy (II.46), so don't fret. Until then, well, go read some WeBBsights back-issues.

Fortunately, several weeks of relentless tyranny, Wyers-style, has given way to eight months of terror, thanks in part to our new Lord Protector Seamus "Robspierre" Hughes. We have seen Mr. Hughes run Fleet 6 with a precision matched only by partially-oiled machines. The question on everyone's mind now is: "Can they invent a better carpet than burbur?" After that question, of course, is: "If the little black box survives the crash, why not make the whole plane out of the same stuff?" Well, definitely in the top 25 questions is: "Can Hughes run STF effectively?" And, like John Quincy Adams, Hughes will have to live up to his father's legacy. John Adams had his Declaration, whereas Mike Bourdaa has his WeBB. Will Seamus be able to rebuild the nation after the War of 1812? Time can only tell (which is to say, time can only offer an account).

As always, we swear upon the shocking red hair of Thomas Jefferson that SNN Headline News will remain patriotic to its rebellious motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF events. This motto applies only to STFians that are card-carrying members of the Democratic-Republican party. Void where prohibited. California residents must pay 9% sales tax.

Featured prominently in what has become known as the "what's next" paragraph (the very one you are reading) is Headline News's Holiday Issue of Festivity & Joy. Everyone will be treated to spectacular stories, excellent paragraphs, and marvelous sentences, all filled to the brim with good cheer. This includes a link to last year's Christmas hit, An SNN Christmas Carol, as well as an interview with a holiday figure yet to be mentioned. Plus, readers will be forcibly endowed with more of the off-color observations of H. Simon Gregory. And need you be reminded that we are a mere five issues from the 50th Issue Extravaganza? The party starts . . . but not right now.

Send questions, comments, or concerns (no critcisms, please, they force us to use Might for Right) to the News Chief.