Closing Remarks

SANTA'S WORKSHOP, NORTH POLE -- As a blanket of fog obscures the North Pole, politicians and press agencies all over the world are left to wonder whether or not Santa will be able to bring Christmas cheer to the globe. Patrick O'McLeod, of the Irish Bureau for Holiday Joy, said today, "Ach, I doubt that Santa will be able to make his rounds. Jes' look at all the fog and terrible weather. Aye, there'll be nay presents for nobody." Others, most of them unusually cheery taxi drivers, stated that were sure of Santa's ability to get through the storm unfazed. "He's got some sort of magic," stated one driver. "If I can get through the airport on Christmas Eve, then Santa can get through a little fog."

Hearts were lightened hours ago when reports surfaced that a specialist in the field of fog-management was called in. DFM, the Department of Fog Management, would not release the specialist's name, but hinted that he could blaze a trail through it. "His nose is a red light, you see," noted Agent 277, "therefore he will be able to allow Santa to get through this soup." Reports from AP wireless services say that the mystery reindeer's name is Rudolph, and that he will lead the group of eight regular reindeer. Sources close to Headline News tell us that the reindeer "loved him" and "shouted out with glee." One source, preferring to remain anonymous, went so far as to say that he would "go down in history," then added, "like Columbus."

In the wake of the Fleet 6 fleetwide, one can only wonder why STF has gone fleetwide-crazy. It has happened again, in Fleet 2, "the Great White Fleet" (and some would say, "slow" fleet). The key players in this sim are FGod-2 Larry "King" Garfield and FComm-2 Adm. Mike "For the last time, yes I've read Feagler today!" Ballway. The former is the GM for all four Fleet 2 ships; the latter is the FComm and the brains behind the storyline, which concerns an insurrection revolving around the Nautilus, Arleigh-Burke, and Yankovic Industries. Yankovic CEO John "Bermuda" Scwartz could not be reached for comment; however, his secretary did stipulate that he "[was] involved in a large [cookies] and that [he] [could not] [poultry] with several [English Channel]." (It should be noted that the secretary was under treatment for chronic interpolatitis.) Coding soothsayer Mike "The Knight" Bourdaa used his knowledge to set up a special "ship" in Fleet 2 where all the bridges of all the ships were cross-linked. "I'm so upstanding that my Tale is rather boring," he noted.

In what can only be called a surprise to most of STF, AFComm-2 Mark "Short-and-Beethoven" Longanbach has resigned from STF. In his resignation, he cited real-life constraints that have kept him from being able to post as frequently as he should have. Longanbach is perhaps most dubiously known for running for STF President three years in a row with no success. Headline News, however, gives him credit for his stamina in the face of adversity. Fleet 2, which is usually in a state of confusion, has been thrown into more of a state of confusion than before. Right now, Jaret "Spinning Jenny" Hargreaves has been named aAFComm-2. Insiders believe that Hargreaves is a sure-fire winner for the AFComm spot, partially because he was next in line anyway.

Last year, Associate Editor Mark "I lost the money, George!" Wilson decided that he didn't have enough to do over the Christmas break, so he undertook a project of massive proportions. It was called "A SNN Christmas Carol," based of course upon the classic by Charles Dickens. Within a week, he had read the full text of the story and generated the parody thereof -- just in time for the Headline News and WeBBsights holiday issues. Now, SNN is once again making available this fantastic, if not long, story. Merely go to www.star-fleet.com/snn/literature/XmasCarol98.html to find this gem of a story. We promise you that you won't be sorry.

As if his original threats weren't proof enough of his idiocity, Todd "I'm glad I can spell my name" White struck again last week when he used an alias account to create nonsensical topics in Command. WeBB slave-labor quickly removed the topics and deleted the assumed account, but one person was very incensed. Butch "Incredible Hulk" Carter showed unusual anger when he sent a message to all STFians urging them to complain to Pacbell.net, White's ISP, about his tendency to be annoying. Carter even went so far as to call White's school and complain to them (they told Carter that White was a problem for them, as well). The attacks by the White creature have left STF paranoid in the extreme, prompting the Command Mailing List to go to an approval-only system for messages.

Though the Consumers' Union claimed to have eliminated all unsafe products in the year 2209 (with the help of the preserved head of Ralph Nader), several recent products seem to show that unsafe products are still very much a part of society, like firearms or Monty Python. Most distressingly, the products are children's toys -- things that are supposed to be safe, but in the end, turn out to be huggable deathtraps. Take, for example, "Baby Sulfuric Acid," also marketed as "Baby H₂SO₄." On the exterior, it seems to be a perfectly ordinary doll. On the inside, a steel tank holds 100 mL of 6M sulfuric acid. The maker of "Baby Sulfuric Acid" defends its product, saying, "[the doll] teaches children the consequences of bad parenting. If the doll is mishandled, the acid is released. We feel that this will breed a new generation of responsible [and horribly burned --Ed.] parents."

Even if "Baby Sulfuric Acid" can be defended, surely some problem must be seen in "The Killer Bee Happy Fun Playset." The product, which retails for =/34.95, is nothing more than a large box filled with South American Killer Bees. The only "play" being done is the running in terror once the box is opened. Mainway Toys, maker of the product, said in a statement that "the killer bees are coming, right? Our product builds immunity to their unbelievably lethal venom so that when the large swarms come in, the families that purchased Killer Bee Happy Fun Playset will survive and loot the homes of those that didn't."

Finally, and perhaps most frighteningly, the number-one seller among toys this year is "Can of Concentrated Lead Paint." The brightly-colored labels on the 2-gallon container claim that the product is "Non-Toxic" and that "you can fly off to your own magical land" once the product is used. A companion item is "The Can of Concentrated Lead Paint Snack Center." Children are encouraged to use the lead paint to make lead cookies, lead brownies, and even lead cupcakes in an EZ Bake Oven-style device. Curiously, the Federation has made no legislation barring the sale of this very dangerous toy. Federation President Werner von D'ookChak announced that "sales would proceed as long as we are being bribed. I mean, er, ah . . . what's that horrible thing behind you!" He then ran away and was last seen on Risa posing as a Ferengi call girl.

Despite concerns aroused by the deaths of thousands of children from these toys, they continue to be number one sellers. Perhaps it is best explained by the nature of kids today to be daring, even edging on stupid. More likely, though, are the advertisements that hypontize parents into buying the product and forgetting what happened. If you would like to protest the sale of these products, write to -- must buy . . . Killer Bee Fun Set . . .

Not only was he the father of the Crag War, but he was the father of the "exploding farm animal" precedent. His name is Jeff "A meadow is a" Field, and he has been diagnosed legally insane by the Starfleet Corps of Engineers. But all of that past mental anguish aside, Field has returned to STF with a vengeance, manifested by a pirate herding exploding sheep into the President's Office. So, we decided that the time was right to get some sort of interview with Field, the last of the 3rd generation STFers (a comprehensive chart will be published later detailing "generations"). Quite frankly, we now understand why the Corps of Engineers made their ruling.

2. Let's say you're walking down the street and suddenly an alien asks you for some change. What do you do?
Give it a canadian coin because they would see the similarty between themselves and Canadians, since neither are from this world.

3. Paper or plastic?
Paper, plastic sticks to your skin and doesn't really get as much off in one stroke.

4. Say, Jeff, what are you giving me for Christmas?
A perfectly aged, well ripened, Nosegoblin.

5. "Guests, like fish, begin to stink after three days." Has this been true in your experience?
Yes. I don't even know how he got under there, but he didn't last too long, and it was about 3 days when he started to get spongy and smell.

6. In a no-holds-barred cage match, who would win: Kublai Khan or Marco Polo?
Khan, if only because Marco would give away his position. "Polo!" Dumb bastard.

7. You don't really believe in the Crag, do you? I mean, do you think they're real?
Ask Chub-Narb, my mistress of pleasure. *points at bed*

8. Deflector shields: protection for the strong, or just a defense for the weak?
Protection for the strong. Even the strong get hit by a small rock some times. And hitting a rock at Warp 9 sucks. The headache lasts for weeks.

10. Who is your favorite SuperFriend and why?
Aquaman cause he was neglected. No kids ever say "I wanna be Aquaman". It's alway superman or batman, or even Robin. Aquaman would have totally screwed Robin in a fight though.

Not only is he a world-class GM, but he's also one of the brightest of the rising stars of STF. His name is Brian "Wolf" Moss, and no, you shouldn't call him mycophycophyta for one reason: mycophycophytae are not mosses. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is a very dirty liar. "Wolf moss" may be called a moss, but it's a lichen, and lichens are not mosses. Where were we? In any case, Brian Moss made a confession to us: he had always wanted to be interviewed. We checked our records and discovered that he had never been interviewed. Thus, here is the interview of Brian "Green" Moss.

1. Are you, or have you ever been, a member of "Furniture Upholsterer's Local 430"?
As a matter of fact, no. But I think that's because I haven't found the right sofa yet ... I'm still waiting for the right pattern to come along.

2. Say, are those 22K gold-plated connection pins in your parallel port, or are you just happy to see me?
Someone finally noticed the pins! God bless you, son.

3. Do you think Boy George is a boy at all?
You know, the more I listen to "Karma Chameleon," the more inclined I am to say 'no.' Plus, there was the whole Crying Game soundtrack thing.

4. Speaking of crying, how was Batman and Robin?
You know, that movie is so underrated. Why, Uma Thurman gave one of the best performances of her career as Poison Ivy there, and no one seemed to care.

5. Hey, your name is "Moss." Have you ever thought about being Swamp Thing for Halloween?
Actually, no ... but there's an Orko (from He-Man, years ago) costume that I'd like to dig up and wear around the house.

6. I remember Orko! He reminds me of the Invisible Man, in a way.
I only have vague memories of the little fellow. I just remember trick-or-treating wearing a red bathrobe with a big, black O painted on the front. Those are days I'd like to relive. <G>

7. In a no-holds-barred cage match, who would win: Man-at-Arms, or Prince Adam?
It's gotta be Prince Adam. I mean, he's He-Man; come on!

8. If you could be any kind of soup, what would you be and why?
Any kind of soup ... I think I'd be tomato soup with Goldfish crackers sprinkled on the top. I always feel better after a mug of tomato soup, and the crackers just make it special. :)

9. Do you really believe this nonsense about the Earth revolving around the Sun? Ah, back in the good old days we were the center of the universe. It was hard, and we liked it!
Wait a second ... who has the nerve to imply that we're NOT the center of the universe? Why wasn't I sent this memo?

10. Who is your favorite SuperFriend and why?
My favorite SuperFriend ... you know, I've always been partial to The Flash. The red suit with the lightning bolt is too cool, and he could vibrate at the subatomic level. What more can you ask for in a SuperFriend?

We're sure we don't want to know the composition of "figgy pudding." That's why we keep eating it. But enough about us. We hope that you, the readers, have had (or will have, or are having, or will have been having) a safe and happy holiday season. If Y2K strikes with all the ferocity that its proponents say it will, then this is our last issue to you. We must say that these 46 issues have been nothing but pleasure [actual composition: 61.5% pleasure, 25.8% irritation, 22.7% monosodium glutamate. These values are based on a 2,000-calorie diet; your actual mileage may vary].

It is at this point that we remind our loyal readers (all thre of you) of our Journalistic Motto, to which we adhere like sap from our Christmas Tree. We swear on Rudolph's 75-watt nose that we will never sway from our Motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF events.

Coming up for the New Year (not New Millennium, mind you): the Headline News Year-in-Review, where we dredge up the events you thought everyone had forgotten about. Then, three issues thereafter is the Headline News 50th Anniversary Spectacular, but that's probably not going to be a reality until February, so there's still time to evacuate the major cities. And now, with 1999 behind us, we close out the year with Issue no. II.46, and the following proverb to live by: "In every institution, there is someone who knows what is going on. This person must be fired."