OUR TOP STORY

STF Marines created; new motto is 'semper fudge'

After many months of speculation and more speculation, the marines have landed in STF, thanks in no large part to Owen Townes and Mike Bourdaa.  The idea was first proposed a few months ago and needed only a fleet to be put in.  A fleet was found once FComm-1 Mark "Harmon" Wilson accepted the invitation.  At his approval, Charley Marschall was made CO.  The history of the Marines goes back about a year, when Townes dreamed the idea up.  "It was during one of my many LSD trips," said Townes in a rare interview with Headline News.  "While in a land of many colors and yellow-tinged underwater vehicles, I thought to myself, 'Wouldn't it be nice to have a Marine ship?'  And so here it is." Headline News later obtained information from a sober Townes about the real purpose of the Marines.  It turns out that it was originally intended for people who failed the Academy's security exam.  Townes's reasoning was, "We've got a bunch of idiot gunslingers who want to just shoot stuff, why don't we give them a Marines ship?  Then if the cream rises to the top, they can be security officers."  Unfortunately, as word of the Marines spread, more and more experienced members wanted to be a part of it -- to the point where Townes requested in Command that the Marines accept only experienced RPGers.

Right now, the Marines "ship" is on a 90-day money-back guarantee.  If the President and FComm-1 don't like it, they can send it back for a full refund.  In 90 days, Seamus "O'Seamus" Hughes and Wilson will review the progress of the Marines and decide whether or not they want to keep it or trade it in for a nice '93 Nissan Maxima.  "Personally, I'd like the Maxima," said Hughes.  "It's much better than the sporty hatchback I have now."

New AO revision called 'frightening', 'evil', 'spoon!'

Last week, SNN Headline News counted eight articles in the Articles of Organization.  All of them were essentially finished, and voting was slated to start soon.  AO co-producer Larry "Wary" Garfield, though, decided at the last minute to change some of the articles.  Article I, for example, has been altered significantly.  A new section, code-named "Section D" and also referred to internally as "Requiem," has been added that deals with characters who inhabit parallel dimensions.  "We felt this was absolutely necessary," said Garfield in an involuntary interview with Headline News.  "Parallel dimensions are becoming more and more prevalent in today's STF, and we felt we had to address the issue."  Another change occurred in Article II, where "Command staff" has been modified to include a person with the rank of "Sorceress of Grayskull (SOG)."  Garfield explained that that particular position was added after he began receiving phone calls every ten minutes from FComm-5 Brian "Pete" Moss.

The most startling change, though, is the manner in which promotions will be handed out.  "The old system was too wussy," said Garfield.  "Now, it is required that everyone joust with the captain, or if he is not available, the XO.  If the promotee-elect wins the joust, he gets the position he wants.  If not, he is roasted alive in a sacrificial ceremony to the god Vaal.  We got the idea after ten hours of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the Star Trek episode "The Apple [TOS]," and the Food Network's Iron Chef.

 

BOXERS OR BRIEFS

Command bustles with talk of DH lists and a magical man of happiness who lives in the land of make-believe in a gingerbread house on Lollipop Lane

Command has been aflutter this past week in a series of posts about everyone's favorite DH list. The string that began the implication of NMC Chairman Barret "Suffrage-man" Vogtman was posted by Robert Anderson on 18 February at 5:37 AM EST.  In it, it was asked how the DH list worked, as he had several DH positions but was on the list.  In an exclusive interview, he asked, "So what's the deal?  I thought the DH list was for people who didn't have DH positions!"  Vogtman replied that its original purpose was to function as a place where COs could go to find possible DHs without having to conduct lengthy searches.  Vogtman also stated that it was designed so that COs would not have to decrypt Fleet Reports when wondering about people recommended for things.  He noted that he does not "have the time to track down every person recommended and ask them if they have a DH slot, nor should [he] have to. [His] job is to maintain the list, not research the recommendations," and that "it will be the responsibility of the recommender to make sure that the recommendee does not have any DH slots."  Headline News remind readers that we sifted through all 100+ notes to find the origin and evolution of a string that went from a DH cap to the DH list.  We feel that for this we deserve some cookies.

Wyers returns to old stomping grounds; Lackie no longer Wyers' lackey

In what can only be called yet another Command Shuffle, expert card player and STF Kick-da-Cheese Seamus "The Great Tortellini" Hughes has moved the cabinet around in such a way that the ugly, unpainted spot on the wall in the President's Office is finally covered up. In Edict no. 12, Hughes promoted former FComm-6 Adm. Colin "in sick today" Wyers to his old position of EDir, though he did remain with Team Fleet 6 as AFComm. Former AFComm-6 and Brandywine CO Capt. Nick "elodeon" Lackie was then promoted to Wyers's old position of FComm-6. Said Wyers, "I've become used to living out of a suitcase. First it's FComm-6, then it's Vice-President, then it's FComm-6, then it's EDir. My résumé is forty pages of 'FComm-6,' for crying out loud!" Currently, Phil's Bookie Services, on the corner of West 9th and Superior, has Wyers pencilled in as EDir for two months at 3:1 odds. Meanwhile, Lackie will occupy the fabulous FComm-6 estate in Iowa. "I've decided on a Democratic motif. A splash of Gore here, some Bradley there, and possibly some G.W. Bush to water things down. I don't want to get too decisive," he said.

STF census confirms worst fears: fewer weirdos this time

STF's latest Census, conducted in December 1999, shows an interesting trend: STF is shrinking. The preserved head of 20th-century Professor Stephen Hawking only nodded (as much as a preserved head can nod) in agreement. "Of course it's shrinking," he told SNN reporter Bink Winklebunny, "I've been saying that for three hundred years, but no one wanted to listen to me. You could have read my book, but noooo, it was too big for you! Ha ha!" Experts pointed out that Hawking's own theory dictates that STF will, after exponentional contraction, explode and become huge once more. Hawking's head then bit the experts. While this was happening, though, FComm-4 Larry "Eat this, Winfield Hancock!" Garfield performed complex analyses and played tricks with AWOL filters to deduce that, while we are in no danger, we are not growing. He also published a list of questionable characters, all of whom had such sobriquets as "the Snake," "the Rat," or "the Squid."

 

MIT DEM HOT SEAT

Seamus Hughes: After this anger

When he became President, Seamus Hughes vowed that he would never change.  Okay, maybe he never said that, but let's pretend that he did.  SNN Headline News decided to see just how much the Presidency changed him, so we asked him the same interview questions that we asked in issue II.11.  All of our staff, except Roddy, the guy that scrubs the toilets, thinks that readers will enjoy this.
 

	Hughes after crazed power trip	Hughes before crazed power trip
1. I say Colin Wyers.  You say . . .	Mark Wilson.	AYE: Farmer Joe. SNN: Anything Else? AYE: Well yes: A right wing [extremist] who runs by the code name Farmer Joe which in Seamuism  translates to "One with big Pitchfork."
2. Where's the love?	The love has been taken out of the RPG in a hopes that it will help retent new members. We apologize for the inconvience.	AYE: Probably hiding out in a third world country with "Heart", "Kindness", "Understanding" and  Elvis. SNN: I was referring to the song by the psuedopopular group "Hanson."  Do you think the older one  looks like a horse? AYE: I think Him and Courtney Love should get married and mate but keep Courtney's last name, not  only would the child "find the love" it would BE the love. And I'm sure the child would look  like a horse.
3. If you could be any kitchen utensil, what would you be?	Spoon! Because Tick is my ideal. But Spork is good. It's not quite a Spoon and it's not quite a Fork. It's like Vanilla Ice, it's confused.	AYE: A spork of course. SNN: And why is that? AYE: First, the name is just so cool, and it got so many purposes, the [exact] opposite of me.  Because it can get the soup and peas in one try AND sometimes I even get the cook's hair.  Oh Happy Day!
4. What would you do for a Klondike bar?	I don't have to sit here and listen to these allegations! But I'd probably watch anything on Fox on Tuesdays for a Klondike bar.	I would quit my job as the [circus] freak and work [at] Sam Goody to pay for the  Klondike Bar.
5. What do all acids have in common?	Hydrogen. The source of all the world's problems.	AYE: They begin with the letter A and end with the letter S and the middle letters are CID. SNN: Incorrect. AYE: BAH! SNN: All acids contain H+ ions. AYE: Wrong! I was right! SNN: Scientifically speaking you were wrong.
6. Can you say "I've got a hot date" in Spanish?	Yo Tengo calor Jennifer Lopez.	AYE: Soy Have a date with senoir Seamus. SNN: Incorrect.  "Tengo un datil caliente" AYE: Wrong, [you] need to add Seamus in there. SNN: I don't have a date with you.  Wait...let me check my calendar.
7. In a battle to the death, who would win: Bob Dole, or Ross Perot?	Ross Perot because Elizabeth wouldn't let Bob fight.	AYE: The Republicans or the [Indepdendent] party would celebrate, whatever the outcome, so they  win. SNN: When you say "win", what do you mean? AYE: If Bob dole wins, the [Independent] party would celebrate Perot's death and vice [versa].
8. Have you ever read "A Separate Peace"?	No. I don't read anything that has more than one word in the title.	AYE: No I do have a seperate piece of whup ass I can use whenever I want. SNN: What does that mean? AYE: Just trying to confuse the hell out of you.
9. Who is Mike Ballway?	Mike Ballway is a figment of the SNN Media. If he was real, wouldn't we have a new WS every month instead of every 7 months?	AYE: My father. SNN: No, I mean -- he's so mysterious.  Where did he come from? AYE: If I had to take a guess I would have to say from Iowa, all the [wierdos] come from Iowa,  Colin Wyers for example.... SNN: You must not understand.  When did he join STF?  Who is he, etc? AYE: I'm guessing 1992, on Prodigy, he became the FComm of 2nd and the CO of the Connie and the  second most annoying person in STF. (guess the first). SNN: Greg Hertzsch?  Larry Garfield?  Owen Townes? AYE: Me. SNN: Oh.  So the GWF was always there. AYE: Yeah I [think].
10. Who is your favorite Super Friend and why?	Batman. Because he could "pow!" and "wham!" like nobody's business.	My favorite super friend? Bill Clinton, no one can take a "licking" and keep on ticking  like he does, not even [Superman].

We hired professional stuntman Edgar Newbauer (who, even in death, votes Republican) to analyze the results.  He noted that in question number 5, Seamus came up with the right answer this time.  Other than that, he noted that the interview was far longer the first time, probably because we coaxed Seamus along.  So, in response to the question, "Does the Presidency change people?" the answer is "Yes . . . and no."

Krystelle Bromilow: NMC good buddy

They call her "the founder of the NMC" and also "Chairman Krys."  She's Krystelle Bromilow, most known for her executive committee that tries to assimilate new members into the coll . . . er, STF, a little bit easier.

1. Are you, or have you ever been, known to eat whole apple pies at a time?
Ummmm on occasion <BG>

2. I like pretty birdies.
That's a question?  <G> But I do like pretty birds... I own a cockatiel and use to raise budgies:)

3. Can I borrow your car?  Pleeease?
Not until [you're] 16!

4. If you knew I was coming, would you have baked a cake?
Yes definately:)  Probably two <G>

5. Hired a band?  Would you have hired a band?
Hmm probably not:) I have a good CD player:)

6. In a no-holds-barred cage match, who would win: Mohandas Gandhi, or Henry David Thoreau?
Ghandi . . . personally I think Gandhi was more insightful and estoric:)

7. Human flesh - the other white meat?
I disagree, Human flesh is like pork which is a red meat

8. You're surrounded by rabid, hungry bowling pins.  All you have with you is a piece of orange construction paper.  What do you do?
Cut them up into the shapes of little mice and scatter them in front of the pins then run like hades while the pins are distracted

9. Adhering to strict essay format and using proper grammar and spelling, compare and contrast yourself with Barbara Walters.
Are you serious?

10. Who is your favorite SuperFriend and why?
 My favorite Superfriend is Batman played by George Clooney, he's my hero (bats her eyelashes)

 

H. SIMON GREGORY

The ultimate price of cheese

Nothing had shown me more that the world was on a steady slope downward than what I saw last week at the Fourth Annual Galactic Cheesemakers' Union meeting on Rigel XXVI. I was there to report on the new and innovative kinds of cheese that were slated to come out that day, and I was rather psyched for a rousing day of curds when I was stunned into disbelief: someone had made off with the cheese. That's right; some vagabond had absconded with the priceless prototype cheeses for the new year: the 2377 Mercury Swiss, the 2377 Buick Muenster, and perhaps the most heinous of all, the 2378 Chevy Winsleydale. The Chevy Winsleydale was the product of ten years of research and innovation in the field of cheese research technology, and now the General Roquefort company (maker of all three new cheeses) will suffer incalculable losses.

Losses where? In the competitive cheese market, that's where. Every year, consumers of cheese expect to see new innovations in cheese technology, and every year, the big companies must deliver, or else they'll fall behind and other companies will take their business. "It's all over for GR," said General Roquefort spokesman Norman W. Klepsky. "I can't begin to imagine the losses next quarter. In this era of high-tech cheeses, it's kill or be killed. We can't afford to have those priceless prototype cheeses stolen!" GR expected to begin selling the new-model cheeses next quarter, at the beginning of March, but now, experts predict that competitors will take consumers that would have been rightfully GR's.

"Consumers get tired of older, more outdated cheeses," said GR Marketing Vampire Werner von Hossentheffer. "The cheese innovations are happening so fast that when you open up a package of cheese, it's already been replaced by a cheese that has fifty times the flavor and color. Did you know that the human eye can distinguish 32 million colors? Our Buick Muenster has a maximum output of 58 million colors. The flavor factor of the competitors' cheeses are about 350 Flz with a 133 Flz savor speed. Until a few months ago, no one had this stuff; we would have dominated the market. But now . . . now, we'll just have to prey, er, pray."

Indeed, one can only hope that the thieves will be caught or else they themselves will see that they have committed a heinous act return the proto-cheeses out of their own generosity. It says something about a society's values when cheese is taken in the open, with hundreds of cheese-makers watching. The cheese-makers aren't off the hook, either. They stood idly by while valuable cheese, the product of years of labor, was stolen from under their noses. This is the fault of society, too, for creating a breed of people that seems to be bereft of any ethics. Do these cheese-bandits know that they have done something wrong? Are they so morally diluted that they can no longer distinguish between the two? Where will it end? Today, it is cheese. Tomorrow, it could be far more heinous. Tomorrow, it could be luncheon meat.

 

ICH BIN EIN CLOSING REMARKS

Habst einen regenschirm?

Maybe our headline doesn't make any sense to the non-German-speaking, or even to the German-speaking, but we don't care.  We're rebels -- rebels without a clue -- and we don't care what people say about us.  Sure, maybe we are a little late, and maybe our facts are a little wrong, and perhaps the formatting for Seamus's interview was really junky, but doggonit, at least we survived.  And you did, too, it seems.  The best way to tell is if you've made it and you're reading this sentence.  Be forewarned, though; you could be mauled by a bear before the next paragraph reveals itself.

Before we ourselves are eaten by a ferocious jungle animal, we advise our readers that are still alive that SNN Headline News adheres to a strict policy of diplomatic non-intervention and "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF events.  That will all change, though, once World War I comes around.

Coming up in the next issue, we promise loads of fun to celebrate our favorite saint, Saint Patrick.  Oh, and what a crazy missionary he is!  Plus, watch as we capture a leprechaun and, rather than make him grant us wishes like intelligent people, we force him to write a column for us.  It's no wonder we just make ends meet; those folks at the New York Times must have themselves a whole fleet of leprechauns just for wish-granting.  Then, after that, comes the 50th Anniversary Extravaganza.  We'll have a party at SNN Center, to be hosted by STF Kick-da-Cheese Seamus "I can't believe they're forcing me to write a column" Hughes, and co-starring some of your favorite celebrities.  Bring plenty of confetti and a little bit of lasagna, too; we want to please all pasta aficionados.