<|| SNN HEADLINE NEWS ||>
Vol. I             No. 01

Hosted by Tom Fracturedaw

"THIS is SNN."

<|| OUR TOP STORY
Rumors circulating that Jeff "Worship Me!" Field dating religious zealot Ernest Angley have been falsified. Says a representative of Field: "He thought Angley would heal his pain . . . he was wrong."

<|| MAY THE JELLO BE WITH YOU
The Jello Wars (previously thought ended with the Treaty of Cosby) began last week, following a lightsaber incident on the USS Victorious. Fortunately, no one was seriously injured following the ordeal lead by STF President Greg "Ahhh!!" Hertzsch.

<|| SNN UPDATE ANNIVERSARY
Mike "Vosotros estais demente" Ballway this week celebrated the 50th edition of SNN Update with a gala parade at SNN Center in Chicago. The mummified corpses of 20th century film critics Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert were on hand for the event (despite the fact that they had no hands). Casualites were low, and ticker-tape was kept to a minimum.

<|| OUR MESSAGE FOR YOU
We hope you enjoyed this first edition of SNN Headline News, and continue to watch for future editions. Questions can be sent to:

SNN Headline News
Capt. Mark Wilson
SNN Center
Chicago, Earth

"May the schwartz be with you"

(C) 1998 Zaphod Beeblebrox Productions, Ltd.

<|| SNN HEADLINE NEWS ||>
Vol. II             No. 1

<|| THEY'RE HEEERE
It was bound to happen sooner or later, and instead of either one, it's happened now. SNN Headline News, another one of the Starfleet News Network's attempts to turn lead into gold gone horribly awry, has found its niche in the WeBB. No more pithy Prodigy(R)-style complaining. Now, we can reach an audience at least .75 times as big!

<|| HOW ABOUT THAT FLEET TWO
And how about its being disbanded? Ever since the announcement by Fleet 2 commander Commodore Mike "Lassie! Come home!" Ballway, STF has been madly trying to come to grips with the loss of the fleet - then realized it's moving to Fleet 1. Among those now taking Prozac by the bagful to cope with this is USS Victorious CO Captain Mark "There's no place like home, there's no place like home" Wilson, who fears his job as commander of the once-powerful travelling sideshow may be at risk.

<|| SNN HEADLINE NEWS WeBB EDITION NO. 1
was first published on the WeBB stardate 9817.08. Animal-rights advocates were quick to point out that the WeBB edition of "SNN Headline News" is 100% gopher-skin. What this means for vegetarians is unknown at this time.

(C) 1998 Zaphod Beeblebrox Productions, Ltd.

The gold anniversary

50 years is a long time to be in publication.  Quite frankly, we can't fathom it, which is good, since we aren't celebrating 50 years, but rather 50 issues.

The text above represents the first-ever issue of the periodical known as SNN Headline News, in both its WeBB and Prodigy forms.  Looking back, we found some interesting tidbits of information.  For one, issue 50 of SNN Update is chronicled in our first edition.  And here we are, looking through two mirrors, celebrating our own 50th issue.  Kind of spooky, in a way.  Also above, you will note that "Jell-O" is spelled "Jello [sic]," a nefarious scheme that could only be the result of Fleet 2 meddling.  And Zaphod Beeblebrox Productions?  It became defunct in issue 14, when it was bought out by The Ford Prefect Co.  And we forgot the "Fracturedaw" pun; it is especially irritating.

Times have changed since Headline News began low these many years ago.  It was during the Hertzsch presidency, in fact, that we first debuted.  The WeBB edition (essentially what is being celebrated here, but we don't care) started after that, leaning into the Bourdaa administration.  And it is now, at the beginning of the Hughes administration, that we start a new set of fifty issues, perpetuating ourselves for a long time.  Humor us now by reading SNN Headline News issue 50, the anniversary issue (which means no new news, so get over it).

Times, they were a-changin'

Jeff Field was in the final months of his membership when Headline News started. Field was noted far and not so far for his intrepid invention, the Fleet 4 Fleetwide Sim.  The RPG eventually ended with the self-RPG Crell becoming a permanent part of Fleet 4. He was perhaps less well-known for the religion named for him, Fieldism. Reports indicate that Fieldism dealt with the worship of exploding farm animals. Field is currently, believe it or not, STF's EDir -- the person that stifles creativity like nobody's business.

The Infamous Prodigy Jell-O War was raging full, thanks to help from Mike "Apoplexic" Ballway and Randy "Apocolyptic" McCullick. RoboCosby and self Blue Jello [sic] destroyers fought the battle against Red Jell-O, who had help from the Almighty Cosby. Greg "Apocryphic" Hertzsch joined in with his low-brow sidekick, Mr. Hankey. Thankfully, Hankey has not been seen since.

The WeBB was now the home to the majority of the membership, and things were beginning to happen more over there than on Prodigy. Gradually, the home of STF changed to the WeBB, effectively making Prodigy the colony (what a reversal of fortune). In the beginning, the WeBB was a primitive piece of Perl software authored by the Busboy of the Underworld, Mike "The male Persephone" Bourdaa. Fortunately, much has changed; the WeBB has become more user-friendly and has a dazzling array of new features. Bourdaa remains a busboy.

USS Victorious was still a Fleet 2 property; it would stay that way until I.13, when FComm-2 Mike "Hallway" Ballway sold it to Fleet 1 for a slice of sweet, sweet Fleet One Chocolate Mousse.

Greg "Give 'till it" Hertzsch was the STF President. For years, SNN Update had punned his name in a way similar to what we've just done, until he informed them that his name was pronounced "Hurch." It rhymes with "church," but we still like to pretend (just like we pretend that people find this pun funny. When asked what he thought about jokes that have long since seen their time, the Ghost of Jason Brocklesby responded, "Can't you leave me alone?!").

So, when Alan Felts remarked that his resignation had better be in the next Headline News, we decided it should be, too. Then we got to thinking: if we put his resignation in here, why not throw some more news in, as well? Even though we promised no new news, we're going to have to rescind that. It's just the way it has to be.

Dynamic Duo returns to STF to fight crime, hum theme song

You thought you had seen the last of Mark "The other Mark" Longanbach and Bill "Clinton" Gunty. Well, you were wrong. Last week, the Dynamic Duo of Longanbach and Gunty, who not only proposed the Daily Ship idea together, but ran for President twice together. Robert Dinwittie, Headline News correspondent and former Royal Governor of Virginia, asked Longanbach what the pair's plans were now that they had returned to STF. "Well, we'll dress up in strange costumes, buy a funny-looking car, build some gadgets, and fight crime as Captain Freedom and his sidekick, P.J. O'Rourke, the Capitalistic Wonder. We'll seek out communism wherever it rears its ugly head. In our spare time we'll be bartenders in a major metropolitan tavern." Dinwittie attempted to consult a pharmacist to check Longanbach and Gunty's medication, but none could be reached at press time.

Fleet 2 command gets overhaul, oil change

For the past four months, FComm-2 Mike "Hallway" Ballway has been on LOA or AWOL. When faced with a situation like that, what's a President to do? For those four months, STF Mike Seamus I allowed Ballway to be incommunicado; starting last week, though, the party came to an end. In his much-ballyhooed Edict #23, Mike Seamus I, with the sanction of Ballway himself, removed the latter from his two longest-held positions: FComm-2 and Constellation CO. Replacing him as FComm-2 is former President, IDir, and Brooklyn CO Mike "Go for the gusto" Bourdaa, a person that we hope is zany enough to continue the legacy of Fleet 2 (Bourdaa has already ordered ship sim reports. The horror!). [After this article was written, SNN Headline News was horrified to learn that Bourdaa removed GWF 2.0 from the Fleet 2 MOTD and the Fleet 2 Home Page. He informs us that ID3 standard will be the new style for the Home Page. Headline News sighs as it realizes that the Golden Age of Fleet 2 has come to a close (there was a Golden Age?). --Ed.]

Ashton/Wyers crisis marks 5th in two years

In what will be known forever into the future by STF legal scholars as Ashton v. GM Department of STF, a crisis has erupted in STF that could shake the very foundations of the GMD. A week ago, Nathan "Reeve" Miller resigned from STF, and along with that went his status as XO of the Ogawa. CO Deanne "Morgan" Ashton, seeing an opportunity to implement a plan long in the making, requested approval for the Ogawa ("Owie," or "Yogi") to be a self-sim ship. While the approval awaited the signature of GMDir Colin "Mochrie" Wyers, Ashton appointed herself guest GM aboard the Yogi while an XO replacement was found and a new sim could begin (she knew that Miller would resign, but it wasn't supposed to be so soon; the Ogawa was caught unawares).One was found: Steve "Frost" Ashton, who climbed aboard rostered as aXO. Wyers got wind of the news that Ashton had appointed herself GM, which is illegal by GMD regulations. He then appointed himself GM of the Yogi against the wishes of the crew (also illegal), and was promptly deleted from the ship by Ashton. Shortly thereafter, Wyers appointed former STF IDir Mike "2 X 4aa" Bourdaa to the Yogi's vacant GM position.

All of this activity prompted FComm-1 Mark "Woodrow" Wilson to file a protest in Command, asking that the President do something about the situation. At press time, the matter was still under investigation. The ramifications of this case, though, could prove to be staggering. "It finally proves once and for all that STF doesn't need a GM Department," noted respected nuclear physicist Dr. Felix Hoenikker. "See the cat? See the cradle?" STFians also voiced their opinions on the matter, and the general consensus in Command was that Wyers had gone too far. Even former GMDir Stuart "En mi día, no conducíamos tantos automovíles. Caminabamos a todos los lugares. Era difícil, y nos gustaba" Coll could not sanction the actions of Wyers. Some also felt that the responsibilidad could also be placed with Ashton for taking action too quickly, when she was still angry. Whatever the outcome, this crisis will join the five other crises that have befallen STF in recent years. Ah, memories.

Felts resigns; Fleets 1, 6 left to find another punching bag

In the wake of multiple resignations of high-ranking officers from STF comes another startling leave: Alan Felts. Felts, captain of the USS Draco in Fleet 6 and XO of the USS Victorious in Fleet 1, cited as his reasons last week a move from Hawaii to the US mainland, and other real-life problems. "He's no longer in danger of death by volcano," noted SNN paper-pusher and inventor of the microscope Anton von Leewenhoëk. "Unless he moves to Washington state," he added. Felts began his STF career on Prodigy years ago as a sidekick to Greg "Intel has released a processor that it is one giga" Hertzsch, and even served as Vice-President during Hertzsch's administration. Felts served aboard the Trinitron, then the Victorious in multiple capacities, becoming its XO in 1998. On the WeBB, he commanded the USS Kestrel, and later the Draco. He will be sorely missed by friends who describe him as "mean-spirited" and "a terrible old man." Felts himself predicts that he will return to STF sometime during late summer, whereupon the people who described him in ways mentioned above will drastically change their opinions. In his most recent Edict, called "Edict #29," and subtitled "Edict 29," STF Kick-da-Prez Seamus "I want a bunny for my birthday" Hughes named Apache XO Dustin "The crops is what I do with this plane" Bukowski to the coveted position of Draco CO.

AO finally given definite voting date

After years of having the Articles of Organization on the table, STF Kick-da-Cheese Seamus "Charles Evans" Hughes has set May 1st as the voting date for all STF charters. Charters? Plural? That's right; Scott Dale Robinsion has submitted his own charter, the STFC (STF Charter), to the STF populace, even though it is nowhere near as long or intricate as the AO. The Articles of Organization, as elderly readers may recall, began as a project authored by FComm-2 Mike "Oh where, oh where has my Executive Editor gone? Oh where, oh where can he be?" Ballway which attempted to codify existing STF laws into a single form. Former STF Corporate Cheese Bob "I'm a-goin'" Spurlin had made an attempt to set a date for the AO's passage, but it failed (like most other attempts to get the AO passed). Members will choose whether they want the AO, STFC, both, or neither. A 3/4 majority of the electorate will be required to pass one or the other, or both.

Who wants to be in the Headline News hot seat

For Issue 50, we realized that our interview would have to top all the others, even the Mike Ballway interview which is, to date, the only interview he has ever done. We scoured our Rolodex®, looking for people who hadn't ostracized us completely, searching for those select few who had only partially ostracized us. Then it hit us: like the other TV networks, we would capitalize on the success of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire by interviewing none other than Regis Philbin himself. After some quick, sharp blows from our hired jellyfish, Philbin was ready to talk.

1. Do you really want to be a millionaire?
What do you think? I'm making a killing between this and Live! I'm already a millionaire.

2. How old are you?
They've come up with an equation for my age. It's f(Regis) = (Dick Clark)(0.95 + Jonathan Winters).

3. For one million dollars, did Kathie Lee know about the sweat shops?
Of course she did! On more than one occasion, she told Cody to shape up or he'd be making Mommy's dresses for 10 cents an hour!

4. What don't these Millionaire knock-offs have that you do?
Jedi mind-control powers. That's why so many people tune into our show each week. "This isn't the show you're looking for. Move along, move along."

5. In a no-holds-barred cage match, who would win: Bob Barker (The Price is Right), or Monty Hall (Let's Make a Deal)?
That's a tough one. Both could bargain their way out of a fight, but in the end, Bob Barker would have Monty Hall spayed or neutered. I try not to think about it.

6. I never catch your show in the morning. What am I missing?
Have you ever been to a Martha Stewart look-alike contest? It's that annoying!

7. What do you really use to control your cholesterol?
A triple-bypass. Not only can I eat whatever I like, but I get to meet all sorts of interesting doctors and anesthesiologists.

8. What kind of a name is "Regis," anyway?
Maybe I should ask you what kind of a name SNN Headline News is! You're one letter away from having Ted Turner biting your head off!

9. Put the following holy cities in order from east to west: Mecca, Jerusalem, Vatican City, Salt Lake City.
You think I know this stuff? I can barely find my way down the driveway without a map! I need a Global Positioning System to get to the corner drugstore!

10. Who is your favorite SuperFriend and why?
He-Man! Remember how he "had the power"? Well, guess who has all the power at ABC! Then again, I don't have the sword. But I have a dangerous letter-opener.

We decided that the staff at SNN Center in Chicago didn't have enough to do, so we asked them to write some articles about Headline News. We asked that it be funny and punctuated correctly. At least they delivered on one "of" the; (criterion)?/

Ode to Headline News
By Mark Wilson, News Chief

I find that when I contemplate the news,
My head becomes quite stricken with disease;
So many things appear in neutral hues.
Why is there not a simpler way -- with ease
With which I can obtain the things I need?
Certainly, the news is fine, but now and
Then there come occasions when what people read
Must lend itself to being not as bland.
Here then comes Headline News, a beacon in
The world: a thing that satirizes all which
People hold most dear, and takes a presenation
That is biased, and fills a comic niche.
Headline News, I pray thee, do not resignate,
Or else I'll lose the art of printing late.

Presidential Box of Power: What Headline News means to me
By Seamus Hughes, Associate Editor and Miss America finalist

When Mark asked me to write an article on what Headlines News meant to me I went through a number of emotions. First I was angry, then scared, then happy, then I watched TV and when I got back I started to write it. The first thing to come to mind was . . . "which one of those papers was Headline News?" I did some research and found out. Apparently this paper has been publishing for a long time. It's almost as old as the Rolling Stones. I backdated a little, read a few of the issues from years past. It turns out I actually like this paper.

It's the only STF paper to find humor in everything. From an STF crisis to a [SNN] Christmas Carol, there's always some sort of punchline. (Which is surprising considering it *is* SNN.) Some like to compare Editor Mark Wilson to the anti-Christ or Joan Rivers. (There's a difference?) Not I, it's a breath of fresh air when SNNHN publishes every 7 years or so. No matter what is happening in Command, Mr. Wilson can find way to exploit it for his own jokes.

Out all of SNNHN's jokes, my favorite is the running quote gag. There's the Mark "Dennis, get away from Mr." Wilson, Owen "Hilary says it takes a village. The only thing I have is a" Townes, Colin "Cut the red" Wyers, and the infamous Greg "If ya get run over by a tractor it will" Hertzsch.

So like a Fox sitcom that never gets cancelled, here's to SNN Headline News. May it continue to give us Quick, Informative, and Totally Biased Reporting for another 50 issues.

A brief history of Headline News
By H. Simon Gregory

Most readers don't know the real story of SNN Headline News. They're content to believe what the Establishment tells them, like some sort of crazy robot that only believes what the Establishment tells it. Headline News was originally supposed to be a horror film directed by Wes Craven entitled House on SNN Hill, but the executives at Abraxis Filmworks just didn't think the idea would make it past the preliminary phases. In truth, House on SNN Hill made it into production, but when he got to the editing room, the director felt that the film was so awful it should be destroyed. He set fire to the editing room and left while the blaze spread to other parts of the studio. In all, twelve executives and a stubborn mongoose perished in the flames that warm winter morning. It was a lesson that should not have been repeated.

Which is good, because it wasn't. The director, James Fenimore Wainwright, who sometimes made barrels in addition to wagons, re-wrote the script and decided to turn the film into a weekly newspaper. No one knew how he arrived at this, and no one asked, for fear of what the answer would be. Wainwright thought it would be best to continue working with the Starfleet News Network, so he kept the SNN name, but called the paper SNN Newspaper. Marketing vampires thought that the name "Newspaper" just wasn't creative enough, so they renamed the periodical SNN Headline News after their late uncle, Thomas "Headline News" Jackson.

The first issue was slated to be about the changing faces of mailboxes in modern-day America. The paper's editor, Perry White, quit after his first day, citing "mismanagement and a general sense of apathy on the part of the writers." The writers -- both of them -- took offense at this and promptly quit. They soon found work at a nearby Radio Shack. As for Headline News, director James Fenimore Wainwright petitioned SNN Executive Editor Mike "Iron fist of doom" Ballway for an extension on the first issue. Ballway agreed, but stipulated that someone new would be hired to direct the project. Having not read the contract that would guarantee his removal from Headline News, Wainwright impulsively signed, and soon new-comer Mark "The convert from STNG" Wilson was directing Headline News.

Wilson, with his own troubled mind, scrapped the Headline News name and decided upon Inside Edition. The newly-christened periodical would cover various aspects of STF gossip, including Mike "Three rings for the coders under the sky" Bourdaa's liason with Romulan subcommander N'Vek. Sadly, that issue was a colossal failure. Wilson was severely beaten by SNN's team of "obedience protectors" and sent to do another, better issue. He received no lashings for SNN Headline News no. 1. Having taken the name his predecessor left behind, Wilson utilized juvenilian inside jokes and gags to appeal to the larger part of STF. Sadly, Headline News has degraded into a periodical with jokes that only a select few, if any, will understand. Still, the tradition set by James Fenimore Wainwright continues to this day, unheeded by journalistic integrity or a sense of honor. We salute Headline News for being all things we knew it could be . . .and so much more.

This is merely the beginning

Sure, we could be profound and make a very poignant statement about how this is merely "the end of the beginning," but we know you've all seen the movie Millennium starring Kris Kristofferson, so we'll let you remember that for yourselves. At the end of 50 issues, we find ourself struggling more and more for jokes that used to come a lot easier. We feel like Captain Picard in Star Trek: Generations; there are more days ahead than there are behind. But who are we kidding? Who'll be the beacon upon the hill of STF, shining the news upon the people? WeBBsights? Certainly not; their beacon is encrusted with dirt and exploded farm animal parts. Never fear, readers -- Headline News will be around for 50 more issues; at least, that's what he hope (we plan on breaking the 65-issue record set by Update sometime this year or next).

And even though we are in a moment of shining triumph, we are not too far gone to remember the humble motto that got us here. It was originally "Fast, Cheap, and Out of Control" reporting of STF Events, but we scrapped that one and bought a slightly used motto that has become the mission statement of SNN: "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events. We hope that in our 50+ issues that we have adhered to this motto (though the Quick part is being pushed aside for this issue which lingers at 35.5K, beating the 34K record achieved by II.40) and given you, the reader, information that is so propagandized that it makes you want to throw away the shackles of capitalism and come work for us.

Coming up next time on SNN Headline News: a reprieve from the constant party that we expect to befall us on our 13th floor offices at SNN Center in Chicago. Also, we'll have a complete breakdown on the Articles of Organization so that you, Smokin' Joe Taxpayer, can more easily understand the law that you will most likely pass in May. If it isn't passed, we'll find something to fill up the space. Maybe a nice exposé on the hazards of seaweed-based ink.