AO, STFC fail; Command breathes two month-long sigh of relief

In a surprise turn of events that had our newsmen on SNN Center's 13th floor shaking their heads in disbelief, both proposed STF constitutions failed. As per Edict 19, which created rules for the vote, one of the documents had to garner 75% of the vote in order to pass; the Articles of Organization received 66.03% of the 156 votes, while 58.33% of the votes went to the Starfleet Charter. Neither document can be re-submitted until August. SNN political correspondent Ted Koppel's Toupet noted that the option to pass both of the documents -- one of four possible options -- earned 57 votes, more than the options to pass one, the other, or neither. The documents, authored chiefly by Larry "The other half of Bil Gates" Garfield and Scott Dale "Swiss Family" Robison respectively, were to be a codification of STF traditions and precedents into written law. Ted Koppel's Toupet noted that "this response would seem to indicate that STF's populace does not prefer one document over another, which could create a mess if and when the next election puts both documents into effect." Ted Koppel's Toupet then jumped from the 13th floor of SNN Center, shouted, "Sic semper tyranis!" and hobbled away. His split ends were later repaired by one Dr. Samuel Mudd, a noted area hairstylist.

Carter proves that Veeps don't just sit around and look pretty

May 23 was certainly a big day for ardent readers of STF's Command ship. For the first time in a long time, it appeared that progress was being made (to some extent). Responding to inquiries about proposals for STF, Vice President Butch "Don't tip that cow unless the service was good" Carter coughed up two ideas that illicited cheers from STFians around the world. In his first proposal, Carter theorized that there should be some sort of ship that exists between Command and the OOC to discuss important topics of the day -- but not topics that pertain to the daily operation of the club, and not topics that are completely ludicrous, either. In his proposal, entitled A Modest Proposal (Not the One Where We Eat Children), Carter noted that a good number of Command-readers avoid the OOC because of its scruffy and "meaningless" image, and thus they would not be privy to election information and other important matters. The idea was sconded and even thirded by some members.

Second in Carter's hit list was a plan for a Kansas class heavy cruiser, named perhaps because of Carter's love for popular sovereignty, something for which Kansas is famous. This ship is the same one that was proposed last year as essentially a giant aircraft carrier; the ship would offer such ranks as "squadron commander" or "fighter pilot" that do not exist in normal ships, with the exception of the USS Alliance, which functions at the whim of its plutocratic dictator, General Fulgencia "Larry" Batista. Carter proposed that the Kansas carrier function on a trial basis in Fleet 5 for 45 days as a second-character only ship. The proposal was undersigned by at least a dozen STFians, including STF Vice President Butch Carter, prompting some STFians to believe that Carter was somehow involved in the proposal.

Does the future lie in 'slow ships'?

Speaking of Mike "Wallace" Ballway, the former FComm-2 looked out of his lurkem on top of his store for the first time in several weeks to offer his own opinion about the idea of Klingon ships and slow ships. The speech was prompted by the idea that many STFians have about Fleet 7: that it's a long time in the making and should be happening now. Ballway valiantly assuaged fears of a Fleet 7 by pointing observers in the direction of the big, empty spot in Fleet 3 that could be filled by a ship. [After this story was written, the Visigoth class USS Aztec was commissioned, filling in that big, empty spot in Fleet 3. --Ed.] He also reminded STFians that each Fleet has the ability to hold up to eight ships, a theory that some STFians want and others don't (the others are usually FComms themselves).

Ballway also took the time to give his several cents' worth of advice on the topic of 'slow ships': there should be more. Ever since Fleet 2 was overtaken by former IDir Mike "DeWine" Bourdaa, it has become a "normal" fleet: one that operates at normal speed. Only the Constellation and the Trinitron remain characteristic of STF2 slow ships, while the Nautilus, Outpost 45, and new baby sister Curie have been moved up to normal speed. The Constellation CO-emeritus argued the plight of the junior officers: on the Trinitron and the Constellation, departments are being staffed to dash-4, which, in Ballway's opinion, "is to be deplored." If there were more slow ships, argued Ballway, then the existing slow ships wouldn't be so crunched; he even offered a solution: to turn either OP45 or the Nauty into a slow ship again. Responses from the populace on this idea seem favorable, except when they are not.

Mentor System resurrected; returns to NMC after forty days on Earth

Several months ago, STF Fromage Seamus "Quí a coupe le fromage?" Hughes became extremely angry at the New Members Council, citing its lack of productivity. Last week, NMC chairman Philip "Friday" Hobday proved that the NMC does have a purpose, after all. Hobday's proof of the NMC's activity was a revision of the STF Mentor System, a device by which new members learn the ropes and seemy back alleys of STF. In the introduction to the propsal, which was immediately followed by the preface and then the foreword, Hobday thanked NMC copy editor Taliyah "Neve" Campbell for the revisions to the Mentor System. As for the proposal itself, there was not much to be too excited about: new STFians will be able to sign up, on their "join" form, for the Mentor System. This very topic was the subject of much controversy in Command last week as STFians debated the pros and cons, and whether or not new members are "afraid" of the power of older, higher-ranking members. The Goold Old Boys Network plans to release a statement urging new members not to be afraid of their immense and earth-shattering powers.

USS Lexington resurrected from F2 graveyard; Concord feels slighted

Last week, Fleet Two shocked and amazed bystanders by, in one fell swoop, becoming the single largest fleet in STF, where before it was the smallest. On June 1, STF Presidente Valeriano "Seamus 'Butcher' Hughes" Wyler commissioned the Trafalgar class USS Lexington in Fleet 2. The Lexington used to be one of the staple ships of STF2, commanded by Churlsan "The lesser-known half-brother" Han before it was decommissioned in 1993. At the helm for this incarnation of the "Lexy" is Constellation CMO Robert "Thanning Drake" Anderson, accompanied by such new faces as Daniel "Karl" Marx, Steve "Logic" Gate, and Jeff "Bill" Nye. The Lexington was commissioned following FComm-2 emeritus Mike "I can't believe it's not gwfcomm" Ballway's argument in favor of a third slow-posting ship in STF2 (see article below). Noted Headline News Grand Poobah Mark "Go Tribe!" Wilson, "I never thought that one ship would be such a rich source of QuoteGags™."

'Bring back my IKC ChunDab to me', laments Harris

Noted STF pariah and author of My Warp Core, My Friend Israel "Izzy" Harris this week introduced an interesting proposal to Command. In it, he wondered whether or not it would be possible to resurrect the ChunDab, a Klingon ship that once existed in Fleet 4. In response, noted STF historian and author of How to Succeed at Journalism Without Really Trying Mike "Mikey" Ballway reflected upon the feasibility of a Klingon-based ship. "If I had a nickel for every time" someone proposed a TOS or Klingon ship, noted Ballway, "I'd have at least three nickels." Ballway went on to say -- perhaps a little more sensically -- that "five people saying 'yeah, it's a good idea' in Command doesn't necessarily translate into a fully-staffed ship on Opening Day." Debate continues in Command about the merits of a Klingon-based ship, and it appears that Harris himself will spearhead the project, assisted by eight tons of gagh that will act as his secretarial staff.

Nick Lackie: he's our friend -- ow -- he's our friend

If there's any one person in STF that reminds us of ourself, it's Seamus Hughes. If there were two people that remind us of ourself, it would be Hughes and Mike Ballway. But if there were three people in STF that remind us of ourself (and fortunately, there are), they would be Hughes, Ballway, and Nick Lackie. Lackie, who assumed command of the USS Brandywine last year during the Fleet 6 Fleetwide Sim, is a fan of placing Simpsons quotes on his MOTD. Sound familiar? (Actually, yes; practically everyone in STF does it.) All of that aside, though, we thought Lackie was a pretty funny guy, so we challenged him to a game of riddles. After that failed, we decided on an interview, instead (I still can't find that ring; where did I put it?).

1. Would you agree or disagree that "cheese" and "cake" don't belong together in the same foodstuff?
I would disagree with anyone who tells me that cheese is a foodstuff in the first place.

2. New Coke. What went wrong?
It was the secret ingredient, which I'll gladly tell you all about for a ten-spot and a full Presidential pardon for any crimes
committed while I served in the New Coke division of the CIA.

3. In twenty words or less, give us the Nick Lackie story.
The Nick Lackie Story, by Nick Lackie. Disclaimer: This story may not be published without express written consent of Guatemala.

4. Are you 2 legit to quit?
I really am glad you asked that question, actually. I really am.

5. In a no-holds-barred cage match, who would win: Albert Einstein or Sir Isaac Newton?
I think that if Einstein could somehow approach the speed of light, his mass would get darned close to infinite. That's a darned good attack. But Newton would win because he invented those little grooves on the sides of coins, and that's much cooler.

6. Who was your favorite Star Trek captain?
Definitely Picard. Not only was he much more authoritative than those other weenies, but he had the best catch phrases and
was played by the best actor of the set.

7. Who's buried in Grant's Tomb, anyway?
Truthfully, we all are in a way. I mean, think about it. No, really . . . let's all just think about it for a moment.

8. If you could speak to stuffed quail in a white wine sauce, what would you say to it?
I would first apologize to it for my past infidelities, and then urge it to reconsider.

9. It has been said that "all the world's a stage." Is this true, or a fallacy protracted by alleged Elizabethan author William Shakespeare?
The world is more of a crockpot, in which we all stew together until such time as we're inevitably plucked out and devoured.

10. Who is your favorite SuperFriend and why?
My absolute favorite SuperFriend would have to be Napoleon III, because he had such pure pathos that you're bound to feel sorry for him and invite him out for a drink. It's just something that happens.

Beyond Andromeda: a Nimitz Mk-II future

The talk these days is centered around the modular, convenient, fuel-efficient Andromeda class. Since its inception last year, no fewer than five ships -- the Victorious, Alliance, Nautilus, Draco, and Aries -- have been commissioned or re-commissioned as Andromeda class vessels. Though it was designed to replace older Aurora class ships, the Andromeda has been replacing classes left and right, from the Phoenix to the Trinitron. Experts at Starfleet's Engineering Department speculate that more ships will head the Andromeda way before the year is over.

But what about the Nimitz? Currently, STF1's Ark Angel is the only ship that remains of Randy McCullick's high-powered Dreadnought class. Ever since the loss of the Montgomery's third or fourth bridge module, a secret faction of the Engineering Department has been preparing for many months to launch a new, revised version of the Nimitz: the Nimitz Mk-II, subtitled "The Wrath of REM." This top-secret project, when complete, will have revamped the class to include eight wave-motion guns, several meters of hull plating, and a special anti-Borg mechanism whose identity is unknown at press time (speculations abound that the mechanism is a banana creme pie that rotates its frequency every 0.5 milliseconds).

STFians may wonder, "Is there really a need for ships with more firepower than the whole Borg collective?" The answer to that is: yes. In order to be competitive in today's market, a ship must not only have speed and style, but a whole slew of stuff to blow things to mithereens. As was discovered in the Jem'Hadar war, it's not enough to disable or destroy ships; they must be vaporized to the sub-atomic level, something that engineers didn't think too much about until now.

But why the Nimitz? Says Joaquin Schwartzwelder, professor of Advanced Plate Tectonics at the Starfleet Institute of Geology, "I can only assume that it's because the Nimitz has all the existing features in place; it would only be a matter of adding on to the existing specs. This would cut down on workload for designers and enable the Nimitz MkII to come out in a realtively short period of time. Then again, what do I know? Dammit, Headline News, I'm a geologist, not an engineer!"

Schwartzwelder is right about one thing, though: the new Nimitzes have a deadline of next month -- that's the time when the completed ship prototype must be delivered to the EDir's office. Outside sources speculate that the new weapons and plating will be attached to the spaceframe with duct tape and staples, which is okay in the expert opinion of STF President Seamus Hughes. "Duct tape holds together anything," he said in a press conference/psychological exam last week.

Even though all COs polled said that they don't want to be a part of the Nimitz MkII project, Schwartzwelder is certain that they'll change their minds: "It's got a meter of hull plating. Who wouldn't want that?" Despite the strong opposition, this reporter thinks that the Andromeda class will be overpowered by the Nimitz MkII just as it overpowered the Phoenix and Aurora classes. In fact, I'm so sure that this new project is the future of STF, I've put my life's savings into it. Why should I worry? 50 million tons of duranium can't be wrong!

But forever and a day

In our last issue, we incorrectly said that Alan Felts was Greg Hertzsch's vice-president during his terms in office. Hertzsch's vice-president was actually Larry Garfield. We apologize to all those who suffered through this error, and we thank Owen Townes for pointing out the problem. Aside from this note of shame, we once again close another eventful and action-packed edition of SNN Headline News, which was made possible by the letters S, E, and the number 3.1415926535 8979323846 2643383279 5028841971 6939937510 5820974944 5923078164 0628620899 8628034825 3421170679 8214808651 3282306647 0938446095 5058223172 5359408128 4811174502 8410270193 8521105559 6446229489 5493038196 4428810975 6659334461 2847564823 3786783165 2712019091 4564856692 3460348610 4543266482 1339360726 0249141273 7245870066 0631558817 4881520920 9628292540 9171536436 7892590360 0113305305 4882046652 1384146951 9415116094 . . .
4907732017 1291926040 6376175743 8560395367 3488735306 4231639108 5464251479 9030492288 5322218670 8802415782 5523609098 1192074335 7874538379 346431991 (after 1,250,000 digits). Your actual mileage may vary, of course.

As indicated by the extensive set of numbers above, SNN Headline News really shouldn't be trusted at all -- except for one thing, and you know what that is. All readers can trust that we will stick like polytetraflouroethylene to our non-stick motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events. Headline News is also staunchly opposed to the merger of the United Federation of Planets with the Holiday Inn company, but that's a different story.

Coming up next time: more interviews, more H. Simon Gregory, and the best issue divisble by 2 that Headline News has ever put out! The folks up in programming are thinking about a theme issue for II.52, so keep your eyes peeled for anything that looks like a theme issue. For now, we've got our eyes on the road so as to run over any lawyers that come our way (we kid, we kid!). Until next time, keep watching the skis -- I mean, skies!

Send questions, comments, or concerns (no critcisms, please; they make us construct superships) to the Grand Poobah.

Grand Poobah: Mark "Who loves ya, baby?" Wilson
Staff Columnist: H. Simon Gregory
Father of American Special Forces:Francis Marion