Former President has relapse resulting in massive Edict hemorrhage

All was going well for STF Coder Mike "O'Brien" Bourdaa during his tenure as aaPrez while both Seamus "Aamin Marritza" Hughes and Butch "Kai" Carter were away. Suddenly, in the early hours of 24 June, Bourdaa had a massive hemorrhage in what Starfleet doctors called the "Edictulum," the portion of one's brain that exists after holding an STF Presidency. Though under normal circumstances the Edictulum remains inactive, sometimes it can rupture, as it did in this case. On that fateful day, Bourdaa published a startling ten edicts in one post, using up five pages and severely mutilating several hobos who had camped nearby. For the most part, the Edicts dealt with esoteric government issues, such as Edict Numbering (30-A), IDept powers and STF web pages (30-B - 30-F), email addresses (30-G), IRC (30-H), WeBB MOTDs (30-I), and elections (30-J).

Most startling about what SNN Update once called a "Omnibus Edict Valu-Pak" (when Bourdaa had a similar hemorrhage back in his own presidency) was that it actually defined the duties of the Internet Department and classified STF web pages. In the future, web pages will be classified into three groups, depending on how much the IDept is involved in their maintenance. The Election Edict was pretty standard, containing the usual "don't spam, don't disparage, don't hit with a bus" warning. Doctors at Starfleet Medical's secret underground laboratory have told SNN Headline News that Bourdaa will be fine; however, he must stay away from Command for six weeks while his brain is in a cast.

STF seeks new web server; Prophets reveal which ones are best value

In what can only be called a complete disregard for common sense, STF's web host, pair.com, doesn't seem to have enough juice to keep the WeBB going. For the past several weeks, members have experienced brief "outages" of service when the hard drives at pair.com which contain the data that make up the WeBB became full, even though STF had not exceeded its allotment of hard drive space. STF Personnel Director Greg "Garak" Hertzsch, who owns the STF-WeBB account, wrote a nasty letter to pair.com where he threatened an internal uprising if things didn't stop (that's my kind of guy). Internet junkies Randy "Odo" McCullick and Mike "O'Brien" Bourdaa offered their opinions on what new hosts to choose in the wake of this problem. Currently, the WeBB is not completely incapacitated, just a little incapacitated.

Radio Free Star-Fleet

To anyone who thought that STF was nothing more than a bunch of bulletin boards, think again, you numbskulls. "Radio Free Star-Fleet" is the new, audio solution to the same old STF rigor. Spearheaded by Scott Dale "Rom" Robison, Radio Free STF sports a dizzying array of content that rivals even the Fleet 2 homepage in terms of clarity and confusion. The channel primarily dabbles in Star Trek and Star Wars music, something the average STFian won't find on Total Request Live (plans to launch an STF-based show, Partial Request Pre-Recorded, met with scorn at a recent SNN programmers' meeting). Aside from station identifications where Robison identifies RFSTF in a Darth Vader-style voice (suspected by many to be his real voice), the saving grace of RFSTF is a skit where Patrick Stewart goes to McDonald's. In fact, one of the great lines of the parody, "For the sake of the future of all mankind, I will have a small Sprite," was recently awarded a space on the Command MOTD. Despite its occasional connection problems, this writer/guerilla fighter gives RFSTF two earrings up.

STF-Pachisi freaks become moreso

In a move that brings new meaning to the words "Get a life," several STF Pachisians have begun a club for their activity, called STFPP (STF Pachisi Promenade). The organization, which is currently under investigation by the ED Subcommittee on Un-STFian Activities, ranks players according to their scores in games. First-place finishers receive 3 points; second-place receives 1 point; third place gets -1 points, and fourth place nets -3 points. The scoring system, as confusing as it may be, was not developed by some Cardassian mathematician bent on controlling the universe. It was developed by a UCLA student bent on controlling the universe; specifically, STF Coder Mike "O'Brien" Bourdaa. The scoring system was designed this way, said Bourdaa, so that players cannot play incessantly and improve their standings. The group is chaired by noted Fleet Three vigilante B.J. "Nog" Phillips, who keeps track of the scores. Currently, those STFians in the coveted Top Four position are: Philips himself, Bourdaa, Nikolle "Ezri" Burchette, and Mohamed "Jake Sisko" Younis. The group participates in its twisted fetish every night, and all STFians are welcome. [Also, STFPP does not permit the highly communistic "3 block" rule, whereby players can only keep a block in place for three turns. Woo hoo! --Ed.]

'Cardshark Captains' begin summer with agonizing game of spades

It seems like this sort of thing happens every year -- four STFians gather together in the wee hours of the morning to play Hoyle online card games. They used to be aIDir Mike "Coder" Bourdaa, B.J. "Lou Diamond" Philips, Mark "Brian" Wilson, and Alan "Cashmeres" Felts. Sadly, Felts left earlier this year, so a new friend was found in Taliyah "Soup" Campbell, who quickly learned the ins and outs of spades. The game began with the team of Philips and Campbell on the plus side, Wilson & Bourdaa on the negative side. Over time, however, that quickly changed, and soon Bourdaa was positive, and Philips was negative. Late in the game, Campbell left, only to be replaced by the Hoyle computer (which plays a mean game). At that point, it was all over for Philips, who was deep into negative numbers while Bourdaa and Wilson continued to gain victory (it didn't help that Philips bet "blind nil" and subsequently lost 200 points). Finally, after three hours and twenty-five hands, the game was over: Bourdaa and Wilson, 553; Philips, 112. I interviewed Philips after the game. He said, "It doesn't matter who won. I can still beat all of them in anything else. Muahahahahaha!" I wonder what he meant by that.

Scientists create smarter mice; STF connection made quickly

In Evanston, Ill. this week, scientists at Northwestern University successfully created so-called "Mensa Mice" which could perform tasks that normal mice could not. Now, I think ... that is to say, well, there's an STF connection in there. The scientists at Northwestern said that they couldn't have completed their research without the help of four local students of Evanston High School, whom they code-named "M. Ballway," "L. Garfield," "C. Ashley," and "J. Friedman." I'm pretty sure that the head of the project, Dr. Rupert O'Flannegan, told Headline News that "we couldn't have done it without these four brave souls who volunteered to be fed untested drugs for eight hours a day at thirty cents an hour. After the testing period of three months was over, the four boys showed no side-effects." He later added, "That were immediately visible."

Prophets aren't all they're cracked up to be
By Capt. Benjamin Sisko

Dear Jake, Miles, Worf, Kira, Odo, Dax, and Quark:

It was hard being the Emissary of the Bajoran people and the commander of a strategically-placed space station separating the Gamma Quadrant from total annihilation of the Federation. Up until last year, it was awfully difficult.

Then I ran straight at Gul Dukat and flung him into a pit of horrible despair.

Now, things are better. I'm living with the Prophets in the Celestial Temple. They've given me a nice apartment near the negative CTL region of the wormhole. I finally got a chance to do all the things I never could before, like inspire people with my words, use my baseball as a metaphor for my determination, and lament the death of my wife. Whoops! I've done all that already.

The Prophets are nice to me: they feed me nice food and give me stuff to do. Now that I have joined the Prophets, I have strange, supernatural powers. One time, for kicks, I created a tornado in one of Bajor's southern provinces. I think it was near the Kai's house; I never liked her, and neither have the Prophets. Sometimes we all go fishing together in the wormhole's verteron membrane. Lots of celestial fish there. One time, I caught a celestial catfish, but none of the Prophets saw, so they didn't believe me. I told them that they were omnipotent and could go back in time to see me catch the catfish, but they created an alternate past where I didn't catch the catfish, so they still didn't believe me.

The Prophets aren't all they're cracked up to be.

The lousy devils still talk to me in riddles! I say, "Hey, I'm going to the store. Anyone want anything?" One of them says, "The Sisko must go ... must go to the store. The Sisko must obtain food for the Prophets. It is his time." Then I say to them, "Confound it! I'm sick and tired of you games! Just tell me you need pasta sauce! I've put up with your riddles for seven seasons; now I'm dead and I still can't get away from them!" I don't do the shopping anymore.

Anyway, tell everyone else on the station that I'm fine, and I posthumously won the Heisman Trophy for my rush at Gul Dukat. Even though the Prophets still irritate me, it's nice to live with them in eternal paradise. Tell Kira to keep my baseball on the desk as a reminder that someday I'll be back, in some form. You've got to keep the metaphor alive. Everyone: now that I'm omnipresent, I can see all of you, so don't talk about me while I'm dead! Just wanted to say "Hi," and let you all know that I'm watching over you.

Except Ezri; maybe I'll hit her with some lightning.

Sincerely,
The Ghost of Capt. Benjamin Sisko

Kent's Corner: What's wrong in Fleet One?
By Michael J. Ballway, Executive Editor

It was the first time I'd ever seen him weeping. Weeping, nothing ... he was crying. Gushing. Waterworks-on, full-bore bawling. "Oh, the agony," he kept on repeating as tears fell into his Coca-Cola product. "Oh, the pain. My superior officers feel nothing for my plight. They plot their moves without concern for me. They fail utterly in any way to aid me in making my STF career an enjoyable one."

These might be the lamentations of a new recruit, un-Mentored, whose flag-rank CO was "intimidating" him. Or they might be the protestations of a would-be STF ship designer receiving the cold shoulder from the imperial ED. But they're not -- no, they are the words of Fleet Captain Adam Kent, fame-seeking hanger-on at Fleet One, addressing an STF injustice greater than anything being discussed in Command today.

"Six ships!" says the Fleet Captain, remarking on the recent additions of the Curie and Lexington to Fleet Two. "Six frickin' ships. It's an abomination. Two to one, three to three, five to three -- that works. Five to six, though."

It's like the Cleveland Indians losing to the Chicago Cubs, I suggested. "Oh, don't get me started on the Indians," Kent replied, muttering something that sounded like "White Sux" under his breath. FCpt. Kent cannot remember those pre-1996 days in which the GWF had more ships than its Foremost neighbor, nor can he remember those pre-1994 days in which the Tribe dwelt in the cellar of the AL East. "You just wait until September, when Bartolo and Manny and Omar and Robbie Alomar will show those upstarts who's boss. 'Big Hurt.' What kind of a nickname is that, anyway?" I answered that I didn't know, all I knew was that it was batting .332 and leading a team that was two games ahead of Cleveland in the standings.

"Bah!" my companion shouted, "intimidating" a nearby ensign, who scurried off to find his Mentor, which is conveniently located on Ohio Route 306, in beautiful Lake County. [Come for the home of James A. Garfield, but stay for the pie (and the mall). --Ed.] "Hey, you're not even a White Sox fan yourself!" he said after thinking for a bit. "You're a Cubs fan. Say, what place are they in again? Can you count that high?" I ignored his jabs. "And that Sammy Sosa thing," he continued. "He needs to stop bellyaching about the manager and start playing solid defense. That's what he's paid to do, to play ball." This, from the fan who has rooted for Albert Belle, Wil Cordero, and Roberto Alomar. "Good thing we got rid of him and his stupid Pepsi Challenge out here in Fleet One."

I was only visiting Fleet One for the day, and hadn't been keeping up on local events in Cathcart's Realm. Upon my prompting, FCpt. Kent elaborated: "Oh yeah, that Sammy Sosa of yours came through here with his Pepsi Challenge, trying to turn us all into Cultists like yourself."

I refused to rise to his bait.

"... but Fearless Leader Wilson would have none of it. May Sisko preserve him! We sure did a number on those Pepsiites. First we incapacitated that racketeer Sosa, whom by the way I've heard Fearless Leader Seamus dislikes, then we replaced him (Sosa, not Seamus) with Jim Thome and turned it into the Coke Challenge!"

I looked out the window. Indeed, some guy with a wide-grinning Native American on his cap was offering passers-by drinks out of two white mugs, devoid of logo. These aforementioned passers-by would drink from the two, select their favorite, and react in pure Madison Avenue amazement as their favorite first-baseman revealed to them that their drink of choice was Coca-Cola. As I watched this spectacle unfold (how differently it would turn out in my native land of Fleet Two!), I noticed that as the mugs were drained by each successive try, Mr. Thome would shout out something sensational, like "Look! Over there! Randy McCullick engaged in a complex engineering spec debate with an Anime character!" and while his audience was scanning the horizon (well, not really; this is a space station, after all), he would refill the mugs. Except ... he was filling one with Coke, and the other with Coke II, which, as you may or may not know, is also made by the Coca-Cola Company. When I pointed this out to FCpt. Kent, he looked at me with the intensity of fugitive on the run, affixing two dark, deep, and desperate eyes on me. A look of shame and duplicity then crossed his face, after which he said, "No, you're wrong."

And the more I insisted that this so-called Coca-Cola Challenge was nothing more than a sham, played out by STF's evilest, most sinister forces upon a brainwashed Fleet One multitude, the more my buddy Adam insisted that I was wrong. Well, one thing led to another and, boys being boys, it all escalated into a completely unrelated argument.

"Well, our starbase can kick your starbase's butt!" I found myself exclaiming. Julie Larsen is rolling in her RPG character's grave. He retorted that the Ark Angel was a finer ship than my beloved Constellation, to which I replied that Trinitron trumped its old fleetmate, Victorious.

He came back with a detailed schematic showing the superiority of the McCoy class "Yogi" to the Darwin class Curie, at which I scoffed and on which I spilled coffee, before responding with facts to prove that our Andromeda (the Nautilus) can beat the pants off of his backup Andromeda (the Aries). His trump card was the supposed "boffo-socko-ness" of the Apache as compared to the new Lexington.

Say, Adam, I then pointed out, but can your roleplaying outpost beat our- oh, wait, you don't have one, do you? You seem to be shorthanded one.

"Auggh!" he cried out, with much wailing and gnashing of teeth, much to the "intimidation" of a nearby Ensign. I took this opportunity to leave the table and stick him with the bill.

SNN Headline News -- a warrior's electronic periodical!

Despite what pre-conceived notions people might have about Klingons, we do enjoy a hearty chuckle every now and then. That is why we read back-issues of SNN Update. But SNN Headline News deals with the hard-hitting issues that we care about the most. This issue, in case some cowards had not guessed, is a Deep Space Nine-themed issue. Each section was written by a different character from the show, except for Michael J. "Grand Nagus" Ballway, who is not a Deep Space Nine character. I hope this issue has been as invigorating for you as it has been for me.

As always, SNN Headline News remains true to its honorable motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events. Failure to remain true to this motto will result in all SNN writers being flung to the depths of Gre'thor and tormented for eternity to write mindless copy about cats being stuck in trees.

Next time, SNN Headline News will entertain you with its many jokes and QuoteGags™, as it usually does. I have been informed that there will be a column from H. Simon Gregory, as well as many more jokes that may or may not be funny. It is a dishonor to one's family not to laugh at such jokes, so I highly recommend that you laugh at them.

Send questions, comments, or concerns (no critcisms, please; they make us create plotlines several seasons long) to the Grand Poobah.

Grand Poobah: Mark "I'm not being Defiant; I just don't want to do what you say" Wilson
Staff Columnist: H. Simon Gregory
Contributing Columnist: Mike "Now that we've had a lot of sugar, we'll want to Runabout" Ballway
33rd Rule of Acquisition: "It never hurts to suck up to the boss"

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