Good debate, but flaws are evident
By H. Simon Gregory

Okay, so I arrived late. Twenty minutes late. I could have arrived an hour late and still been able to see the vagueness that has plagued this election from start to, presumably, finish. My personal favorite was the comment made only by candidate "Hobbit" Hobday, who noted that he "was a fan of consensus." Consensus? Consensus! One presumes that he enjoys it when people agree with each other, but consensus also has a more sinister meaning. It was during the Age of Consensus (covering most of Eisenhower's presidential term) that people agreed with each other; but people also didn't dare challenge anything. Nothing new or different got done; it could just as easily be termed the "Age of Status Quo." But again, I hope Mr. Hobday means it in the good sense, not the bad one.

Another questionable response from "Hemidemisemiquaver" Hobday (a free ticket to SNN on Ice to anyone who can figure out what a hemidemisemiquaver is) concerned the debate in Command about various things (no, I'm not sneakily alluding to something; there are just a lot of things discussed in Command). Hobday responded, saying:

The nature of discussions in Command [are one thing that is wrong with STF]. There's been a lot of tension and - even - hostility evident in certain recent discussions. This puts people off from posting, and makes attempts to get real discussion of real issues a tad more difficult. The answer: a listening, open, accessible Presidency, which sets an example in its posting in Command, as courteous, civil and offering others the chance to comment on issues/themes raised. Hopefully, more people will then participate more fully in helping resolve the issues raised in Command.

Certainly, our Presidency is already open and accessible (which partially leads to the "tension"), and I fail to see how people are not courteous and civil. People are given the chance to comment on the issues. These issues are resolved. This "hostility" has helped get the STF charters in a popular sovereignty election -- finally -- has passed the Kansas-class ship for a trial, has passed the new dash-X-less WeBB style, and countless other acheivements, all thanks to discussion. There have been few instances where people have acted without civility, and even fewer instances where STFians have been downright rude. What is more pressing is the overwhelming proliferation of OOC junk within Command. That is more a pressing matter than supposed hostility.

This debate also saw lots of "cut and paste" action. Candidates attempted to predict questions (quite easy, considering that all of these questions had been asked previously in the Elections ship) and then pasted pre-authored responses. While this is not illegal, it is somewhat contrary to the debate tradition of thinking on one's feet. Then again, everyone knew the candidates' standpoints due to the execessive question-and-answer action on the Election ship, so it's a moot point (but we'll argue it anyway. It's fun!).

Fleet 7 was a major topic of discussion, especially among Randy "Power once again!" McCullick, who seems excited about the prospect, seeing as how he was promised AFComm-7 under Fleet Commander Isaac Hayes. While "Ludicrous" Lackie and "Horrific" Hobday agreed that Fleet 7 should come when retention had increased, "Barnum & Bailey" Bromilow felt that if Fleet 7 was built, then people would come to it, even though the most recent census shows that STF population has remained virtually unchanged -- unchanged enough so as not to merit a seventh fleet. It would be a fallacy to assume that just because something is there, people will flock to it. (The Marines were there, and it was built because a few people requested it and a lot more undersigned it. Yet, on "opening day" as Mike "The Shark" Ballway calls it, those few people stayed and posted while the undersignees -- half the ship -- became infrequent posters.)

So, the analysis is that overall, the debates were okay. There wasn't any opportunity for spontaneity, since all of these questions had already been asked in the Election Ship.

Bromilow reveals secret of Canadian citizenship

In a scandal as mediocre as it is average, Krystelle "Ayuh" Bromilow revealed last week the shocking story of her Canadianism. "I thought it would go over well with the crowd here," she told SNN Headline News. "Apparently, I was misinformed." The rest of STF had assumed that she was a United Statesian who lived and worked legally here. STF Election Coordinator Mike "One more word out of you, Seamus, and I'll hit you with a" Bourdaa was reportedly very upset. "I'm very upset," noted Bourdaa. "We had performed extensive background checks on all the candidates. Well, more properly, someone else performed these checks. Obviously, they were not thorough enough. That someone will have to be dealt with." As we left the Election Coordinator's office, we noticed Bourdaa threw a large burlap sack out of his 33rd story window and into a waiting TrashCo-brand Dumpster. Election analysts' personal trainers believe that Bromilow's new-found citizenship will not have an adverse effect on her campaign, since so many other STFians, such as AFComm-2 Jaret "Gary Trudeau? Isn't he the prime Minister?" Hargreaves, are Canadian themselves.

McParty turns to thoughts of French Revolution

Once again, McParty IX has become a war of the colas, but this time, it seems to be more about Coca-Cola and Dr. Pepper than anything else. Chris "de Gaulle" Ashley, reprising his role of The French Knight, has invaded McParty Castle with one goal in mind: to rid the world of anything other than Dr. Pepper. His arch-enemy would seem to be noted archivist The Rivan Warder, who is fighting the rather large army of the Knight. (SNN notes that since the party is, the most part, intelligible, some of this information may be incorrect. Oh, who are we kidding? We don't know what's going on anymore.) Another task force, consisting of Coke archaeologist Dr. Heinrich "Illinois" Smith, Jr., and his father, Dr. Heinrich Smith, Sr. (who is described as "Pepsi-obsessed"), have embarked in search of the Golden Coca-Cola Can. Smith père, however, would rather search for the Pepsi Grail. SNN Headline News will bring you more on this story as it fizzes.

Kansas class experiment passes muster; warranty expires after 45 days

In his latest Edict, titled Edict 32 and subtitled Man in the Moon, STF Lame Cheese Seamus "I need something to do" Hughes approved the Kansas class experiment. The proposal was floated by Vice-President Butch "Jimmy" Carter a very long time ago. After debate in the Engineering Department, Command, and possibly the Command Lunchroom, the Kansas class carrier was approved for a forty-five day trial period. If, after forty-five days (or 30,000 miles, whichever comes first) the President and FComm give the carrier lousy reports, it will be scrapped in favor of a parking garage. Critics of the proposal, all of whom were FComm-4 Larry "I yam what I yam" Garfield, held that activating a ship class for a "trial period" undermined the system used by the ED now. When observers pointed out that Garfield was not the EDir, Garfield shouted, "Look over there!" The observers couldn't find anything and when they turned back around, Garfield had disappeared. A manhunt over sixteen states is currently in progress.

STF looks toward a dash-X-less future

In a move as unprecedented as it was expected, STF Kick-da-Cheese Seamus "Quack, quack" Hughes approved the new junior officers' designation system. As we reported in the last issue, the system would eliminate the "X" in dash-X, reducing assistants in a particular department to just "Eng" or "Sec." The Edict, called Edict 34: The Edict in Rue Morgue, officially revoked dash-X designations. Coder Mike "When a drill goes through the wall, a hole is" Bourdaa then quickly implemented the Edict into the WeBB software. Now, all department members are referred to as "chiefs" or "assistants." The necessary modifications have also been made to The Ensign's Guide to STF and the Articles of Organization (we hope). Owen "Cleveland is bigger than the surrounding" Townes was heard to say, "One more step toward the egalitarianism of STF! Go Engels! Go Marx!"

Cast your ballot and reel in a big-mouthed bass

If there's any one thing that could be said about this issue, it's that it is incredibly short. No interviews, no Gregory; just the required stuff. Why, you ask? Well, first of all, we need to keep election information up to date. Second, there's absolutely nothing happening in STF. We'd give our left leg for a Command Crisis! But, thus far, only the Debates have churned up enough election muck to merit a story. You'll just have to be content with this issue, or that newer, Election-based paper, MSG 2000, or something like that. It's a funny name; you'll find it.

As always, we place our hand upon the Book of Lists and solemnly swear our allegiance to our muckraking motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events. The position of the quotes in the motto may differ, depending on who you talk to (and which issues of SNN Update you've been reading).

Next time, SNN Headline News will bring you the winner of the STF Election 2000, along with commentary by everyone's favorite nonsensical columnist, H. Simon Gregory, about what lies ahead for this person. And speaking of H. Simon Gregory, we want to announce that work is in progress on a collection of Gregory's columns, tentatively titled H. Simon Gregory's STF. You'll laugh and cry, but more likely than not it will be used as a coaster when more important columnists come to the party. And now we leave you to vote for your favorite candidate. Will it be Lackie/Moss? Perhaps Bromilow/Burchett? Is Hobday/Steen in the near future? We have to get busy writing three different headline stories, only to discard two. Find out which one we choose in the next exciting installment of SNN Headline News!

Send questions, comments, or concerns (no critcisms, please; they make us merge the McParty & Seamus's party) to the Grand Poobah.

Grand Poobah: Mark "Yellow (bellied) journalism" Wilson
Staff Columnist: H. Simon Gregory
The Only Person Who Voted for Walter Mondale: Mondale's Mother

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